my x is going to apply for custody of my son :-((((((((( long update pg6

[leahsbabybump]

so to cut a long story short i had bad depression when i split from my x he mentally and physically abused me so by the time he left i was a shell of a person i was medicated for depression and insomnia so my son whent to stay with my grandparents all the while his dad barely bothered with him. Then when i got better i whent to live in a 1 bedroomed flat so had no room for my son so he stayed with my grandparents longer trhan anticipated he has been with them for around 3 years now were heyman sees his dad about 3 times a month he recently go a new partner and seems to be visiting son more often now.
So i got rehoused 3 weeks ago so tryimg to get son back settled in with me but having trouble with grandparents they wont give him back to me etc etc arguing a lot as they say im not bothered about him now i have a new baby (not planned as quick as she came she was meant to be a long term plan but thats another tsory lol) although i call to collect him everyday they just say oh no you cant have him im gettimng him they try to buyt his affection with a ds a psp you name it they buy it so he "wants to go ther" so i was meant to be getting ds from school today but grandad just rang said dont bothere goimng to get him from school he "wants" to come hear and by the way his dad is applying for custody cos your not bothered about him.
His dad sees him like 3 times a month for god sake and only since he meant his new partner before he he wasnt bothered whats going off like. My son staying with my grandad was never official they just took him in all those years ago.
Do i have leg to stand on or what hear if i go to court are they just going to rip me apart for letting him stay with my grandparents for so long anyway i just rang up schools to change my son to be near me (his other school is 40 mins away) no matter what my grandparents say he is coming back to live with me i had the house 3 weeks now its a lovely house so they cant pick fault with that and i love my son to death.
Ho can they just do this they know i was ill before and thats why they cared for him for me they know his dad was never bothered and that he used to beat me so why are they siding with him saying im not bothered and that they are going to send him to him.
Im so upset i know its my own fault i should have never let my grandparents care for him etc etc i just dont know what to do expect will they assume i dont deserve my daughter too if all this gets dragged up in court that my grandparents cared for my son
oooooo im in such a state rite now

please dont be horrible its hard enough as it is i know its all my own fault just friendly advice or nothing at all please

 

[Lettuce]

I don't have any advice, but maybe you could speak to CA or something? Surely they would see you were in a bad place before, you've sorted things out and want your little boy.
I take it you continued to see him often while he was at your grandparents? It must have been very difficult for you.
How does your wee boy feel about things?
Maybe your grandparents are just upset and scared about losing him, they must love him very much. X

 

[mrs_tickle]

I dont really have any experience of this, but can you get legal representation? Maybe go to citizens advice? A court will usually give custody to the mother unless there is a good reason not to do so.

 

[mrs_tickle]

Maybe try speaking to your grandparents again - let them know that if your ex was given custody they probably wouldn't see him as much? I suspect they are just worried that they wont see him if you have hime to live with you - can you reassure them that they still will?

 

[nugget80]

Personally if it were me next time you get to see your son or collect him from school i would just take him back with you and keep him there! Unless there is a legal agreement with grandparents then i don't think they could stop you! x

 

[stardust599]

Isn't he happy at settled at his grandparents now? Why not leave him there hun?

Have you ever officially tried to get him back - as in involving Social Services, courts etc.? Cos anything else you've done won't count.

Have your grandparents ever gotten official guardianship? Do you still have parental rights? Is ex FOB on the birth certificate?

 

[Tor]

Ok i have absolutely NO idea about this sort of stuff but surely you are still his legal guardian and you still have parental rights so you could just take him surely??!! He is not their son he is yours.

Good luck hun it sounds like a horrid situation but to me you should be able to just go and get him. x

 

[leahsbabybump]

they do love him very much and i understand they are worried about loosing him if he comes back to live with me but they are almost 70 :-/

unfortunatly when i was down i whent through really low points were i did nothing but stuff to block things out like drink and stuff so there were times were may not have seen him for a week or so iykwim

i just want everyone to know im settled down know i want my kids at home cos i love um dearly but no one seems to want to give give me a chance iykwim it breaks my heart thinking back over the last 5 years
when i got this new house it was like a lifeline iykwim one last chance so to speak to get it right im trying to change ds school aswell so he can be nearer home

it just seems like everytime i try to get straight they want to derail me its like between my grandparents and x they wana ruin me

grandparents complained when i never had son but now i make the biggest effort yet they side with x and say he deserves custody :-/

i know its irrelevant but if i have to get a llawer to go to court we are going to have to cancell wedding cut back at xmas and get a loan to pay we are so tight on money and dont qualify for legal aid

im aso worried going through all this is going t make me depressed again which is gping to break my allready strained relashionship with oh

 

[leahsbabybump]

Isn't he happy at settled at his grandparents now? Why not leave him there hun?

Have you ever officially tried to get him back - as in involving Social Services, courts etc.? Cos anything else you've done won't count.

Have your grandparents ever gotten official guardianship? Do you still have parental rights? Is ex FOB on the birth certificate?

grandparents are not legal guardians still me
fob on birth certificate
i havent done anything legally cos im so scared they will think im not fit to care for new baby

he is happy with his grandparents but they are 70 my nan has health problems too when ds comes hear he says he likes it better hear cos gp's are too old to play with him bless lol

 

[Tor]

I really would just pick him up and then keep him hun if your legal guardian there is absolutely nothing they can do to get him back unless they take you to court but im pretty sure even then he would stay with you until the court hearing etc as your grandparents have no rights at the moment.

I'm not saying never let your grandparents see him again but keep him with you a while and make it clear that he is living with you again permanently and set up days where they can see him regularly.

 

[jen1604]

i know its irrelevant but if i have to get a llawer to go to court we are going to have to cancell wedding cut back at xmas and get a loan to pay we are so tight on money and dont qualify for legal aid

im aso worried going through all this is going t make me depressed again which is gping to break my allready strained relashionship with oh

I'm sorry but cutting back at Christmas really wouldn't worry me in the slightest if it meant I was spending money to have my child back with me..

I think you need to speak to your health visitor and social services for the best way to go about this,I would imagine just taking your son away from what is his permanent home would be very distressing and unsettling for him and I can see how your grandparents must feel.

If he has been living with them for that long it would probably be best to sit down with them,have a long talk and see if you can arrange for him to move back in with you gradually as opposed to just moving back in with you one day and that's it.

I doubt FOB would get full time custody anyway,probably just given visitation rights.
I really think you need to speak to someone about doing this properly though. Give your HV a call and get them to put you in touch with someone. Good luck.x

 

[stardust599]

Isn't he happy at settled at his grandparents now? Why not leave him there hun?

Have you ever officially tried to get him back - as in involving Social Services, courts etc.? Cos anything else you've done won't count.

Have your grandparents ever gotten official guardianship? Do you still have parental rights? Is ex FOB on the birth certificate?

grandparents are not legal guardians still me
fob on birth certificate
i havent done anything legally cos im so scared they will think im not fit to care for new baby

he is happy with his grandparents but they are 70 my nan has health problems too when ds comes hear he says he likes it better hear cos gp's are too old to play with him bless lol

Well if they aren't his legal guardians then technically you can go and pick him up from school and bring him home.

It would be up to your grandparents whether or not to involve Social Services, courts etc. to try and get him back. SS won't just come in and say you are an unfit mother though, a full assessment would be done.

FOB has just as much parental rights as you unless you get a residency order so FOB doesn't need to apply for custody, he can go collect DS whenever he wants and keep him at home and refuse to hand him over as you could.

You need to think about what's best for DS at the minute, not what you want. Are you mentally well, you and OH stable, financially stable? This will be a huge change and shock to your DS so you want to make sure that things at home are as happy and stable as possible for him before he comes home.

You will also have to think how you will explain to court (if it comes to it) how you could have your new baby in a 1 bedroom apartment but not your DS? They are going to ask you.

Have you explained to DS that he wouldn't see grandparents as often if he moved here, that he'd have to change schools, would have to share with your LO etc. Does he fully understand and what does he want?

 

[binxyboo]

i know its irrelevant but if i have to get a llawer to go to court we are going to have to cancell wedding cut back at xmas and get a loan to pay we are so tight on money and dont qualify for legal aid

what's more important?
cancelling a wedding and cutting back on Christmas - or your son back?

 

[jen1604]

Also, does your son know your new partner well?

You might need to think about them getting to know each other before your son moves back in?

 

[XJessicaX]

I don't know anything about this but leaving a 5 year old child for 3 years with grandparents is massive chunk out of his life. Sad as it is, he probably treats his grandparents like his parents, and taking him back now could be very traumatic for him especially as he would have to leave friends too with the school change.

 

[XJessicaX]

i know its irrelevant but if i have to get a llawer to go to court we are going to have to cancell wedding cut back at xmas and get a loan to pay we are so tight on money and dont qualify for legal aid

and um...bugger the wedding!

 

[leahsbabybump]

Isn't he happy at settled at his grandparents now? Why not leave him there hun?

Have you ever officially tried to get him back - as in involving Social Services, courts etc.? Cos anything else you've done won't count.

Have your grandparents ever gotten official guardianship? Do you still have parental rights? Is ex FOB on the birth certificate?

grandparents are not legal guardians still me
fob on birth certificate
i havent done anything legally cos im so scared they will think im not fit to care for new baby

he is happy with his grandparents but they are 70 my nan has health problems too when ds comes hear he says he likes it better hear cos gp's are too old to play with him bless lol

Well if they aren't his legal guardians then technically you can go and pick him up from school and bring him home.

It would be up to your grandparents whether or not to involve Social Services, courts etc. to try and get him back. SS won't just come in and say you are an unfit mother though, a full assessment would be done.

FOB has just as much parental rights as you unless you get a residency order so FOB doesn't need to apply for custody, he can go collect DS whenever he wants and keep him at home and refuse to hand him over as you could.

You need to think about what's best for DS at the minute, not what you want. Are you mentally well, you and OH stable, financially stable? This will be a huge change and shock to your DS so you want to make sure that things at home are as happy and stable as possible for him before he comes home.

You will also have to think how you will explain to court (if it comes to it) how you could have your new baby in a 1 bedroom apartment but not your DS? They are going to ask you.

Have you explained to DS that he wouldn't see grandparents as often if he moved here, that he'd have to change schools, would have to share with your LO etc. Does he fully understand and what does he want?

yeah we mentined it all to him hes ine with changing schools as he gets severely bullied at school hes in now its been reported time after time but it just gets worse
he has been stopping hear a few nights a week and settles when hes hear loves playing with lo
we are stable in all ways but wont be if i have to go to court cos will have to pay a solicitor
the part i highlighted is the cold hard truth and its things like this that will go bad against me when you put it on paper it looks really bad on me i mean i know i have been wrong the past year ive had him with me more than the othe 2 years but my grandparents are trying to say they had him from birth which is not true but like you say nothing was legal so i dont have a leg to stand on as its my word against theres and as i have done so much wrong in the first place who are they going to believe you can bet your life it wont be me
i know he is happy with g.p's he is happy when he is hear but he never wants his dad complains when he has to go etc etc his dad never actually spends time with him when he picks him up he just drops him with hisz partner and goes to football or his mates houses.

 

[leahsbabybump]

i know bugger the wedding and x-mas like i said its irrelivant but then i can bet my life on my grandparents will turn round and say oooo you never even bought him anything for xmas we bought this that and the other thats what there like. they brought me up to when i was young and they did the same to my mum she had no money and would scripm and scape to buy me summat they would go out and buy the net best thing then say to me ohh why do you wanna go to your mums house you got this that and the other hear and she doesnt care about you etc etc

 

[babyhopesxx]

i'm really sorry your going through this. I dont really have much advice or anything but i wouldn't just take your son off your grandparents. They have looked after him and he must be settled there. What does your son think about going to live with you? Sorry if you've already answered this.

Could you speak to your grandparents and see if you can share custody of your son for now. Maybe for 3-6 months, or longer, and see how that goes. It sounds like you have tried very hard and have done very well and turned things around, i.e getting a nice house, stable relationship and home. Maybe if your son stays with you for a few days a week, get into a proper weekly routine, your grandparents might feel happier about him staying with you full time, iykwim?

And as your his mother surely you have more rights than your ex and grandparents if it came to the courts?

Good luck and i hope things work out for you. xx

 

[leahsbabybump]

to cut to another point this is a scenario of what happens :-
i will arrange to pick ds up from school he knows he will be coming he gets excited about seeing his sister and everything so i go to school collect him we get home we have our tea then gp's turn up out of the blue and say come on then heyman are you coming home now you got a new toy/dvd/sweets/magazine/clothing at our house waiting for you. so i say i thought you wanted to stay with mommy he goes but grandad got me this so i wana go see it then obvs if i refuse to let him go he cries gets upset has a tantrum throws stuff cos like anyt kid ifhe has a new toy he wants to play with it now not next week
this is almost what its like everytime

another scenario is i call to speak to him to see if hes coming to me they wontr let him on the fone he is allways bathing/eating/toilet/playing/too busy sometimes they just dont amswer the fone sometimes they go out to purposely avoid me!