Need Advice

[spindle]

First post on this forum, but I thought this would be the best place to join for some advice.

Basically I've been very broody recently and feel ready to have kids. I told my husband as much last night to which he basically exploded. Got really angry saying we can't afford it, he doesn't want kids, etc.

I tried talking to him, but he was too worked up so we left it.

I do really want to start having a family and only a few weeks ago he said out of the blue that he'd like to try for a baby in a few years. So I'm getting mixed signals. I don't want to wait a few years though. My husband is nearly 30, and we're at a good point in our life to have them. ie settled, happy, he's in the military and we have a lovely house, he's not moving for a long time, etc.

He has issues with affording having a baby. Now I'm not sure how much a baby costs, but we have about £500 a month left over in our account and we tend to spend quite a bit on eating out and new things for ourselves. Surely if we cut back our lifestyle a bit we could afford it? he seems to think we have to be debt free and own a house, to which I pointed out that that hardly happens for anyone and isn't a very reasonable goal.

There isn't exactly any compromise here, is there?

I'm just so totally crushed

 

[Wobbles]

I'm not sure theres many people who can honestly say we can afford baby number one. Its not been cheap preparing for our arrival but like you say really - we were living comfortable which you sound like you are and theres things that could be compromised like eatting out all the time as you say. I think if we sat down and worked out money beforehand we'd never have kids.

Although many people conceive in the first year even first couple of months not everyone does and problems can arise - I don't want to put a downer on it but it may be something you could mention too. Sometimes its not an issue sometimes it is an issue which creates a longer journey.

Welcome to BabyandBump

 

[spindle]

Thanks for your reply.

I did point out that sometimes it can take a long time to get pregnant, if ever. So with trying and pregnancy it could be a couple of years before we have a child. I'd like to try and talk to him again tonight, but I'm not too sure how to approach it.

When I mentioned that we'd be entitled to tax credits, he said he'd looked it up, and we weren't. It made me wonder why he was looking it up if he wasn't interested?

Can anyone tell me what made them decide that now was the right time to try for a baby?

 

[Wobbles]

You could look up regarding tax credits & what I did to test my entitlement was tick yes to a child already being apart of the family:
https://www.taxcredits.inlandrevenue.gov.uk/HomeNew.aspx
Its just a calculator not an application.

Make him aware softly that its important to you that he talks to you about it and hears your feelings on the subject - its easy to rise to his anger and get angry yourself but again maybe try to stay calm and softly remind him that you had just pointed out its important to you and say something like look can we just sit with a cuppa and have a chat I don't want to argue < if you get me.

Me I always had a niggle I had fertility issues but it never got to me too much then we had an ectopic pregnancy and we decided from there its what we were going to try for I then found out I was fertile & had a number of chemical pregnancies (losses) our journey was over a year but in all my life that journey was alot longer since I thought I had fertility problems having been with partners with kids and had done the 'not trying not preventing' with an ex 6 years ago whom I was with 2 years (he had a child and went onto having more after we split). So I'm one of those who know its not always easy! Could be a month could be a year .... x Again not meaning to bring panic but something to consider like you have told him and these issues you can never say 'wont happen to us'.

 

[Tilly]

Maybe he is a little nervous to be having children at this stage of his life.. women tend to be more in a rush than men (for obvious reasons). He did say in a few years, so maybe he just wants a little longer before you have all that responsibility?

When you speak to him again, maybe ask him if theres a reason other than financial worries? we just had our first baby with pretty much nothing (I had some savings and my boyfriend has always worked full time), we live with his parents (pay rent etc) but we manage to cope. We don't go out or treat ourselves as much as we used to, but we'd rather treat Bethanie. Sounds like you have enough £ to manage and even if you were short on cash some months, it's not the end of the world.

Hope it all works out for you

 

[spindle]

Thanks ladies

He said last night that it's just the issue of money, but I think it's more than that. Our combined salery is almost £60k, but we have a lot of debts. (about £25k) we're comfortable paying these off above the minimum amounts though with spare cash. I'm due for a pay increase soon too.

So I think there is more to it than that. I recieved an email from him just now after I emailed asking if we could have a chat tonight after work. It said:

"Of course we can, as long as you're happy to listen to me. I'd love to have kids with you, just not now. Maybe in 5-10 years."

So I don't think the outcome will be very good

 

[StirCrazy]

Money was the main reason I was hesitant about having kids. It's true that nobody is prepared at how much it cost but you manage. Best decision I've ever made

(I know that this post doesn't help but if you do manage to convince him then he wont regret it)

 

[spindle]

Thanks StirCrazy I do think you're right. You just sort of adjust your lifestyle based on your means, don't you? I feel like I've always had the same amount of money no matter what my income, if that makes sense!

 

[vicky]

i hope everything works out for you hun and the chat goes well.

me and my husband had our first we live in a rented apartment we had not loads but some debts we still do, but what i have found kids don't make it worse me and my husband are the reasons we don't have any money not out daughter.

 

[Wobbles]

Awww Stircrazy I'm printing that out lol

Vicky what you said makes 100% sense

Good luck Spindle I also should have said like Tilly suggested and that in short the thought of kids actually can scare some people but defo won't regret it that forst time you see your bean your heart melts. x

 

[Iwantone!!!]

aaaww good luck huuni

 

[spindle]

Aw thanks everyone!

It is hard when it's something that you feel is right, and you really want. You just wish there was some magic word to change your partners mind!

We had a talk last night and I think he's become a bit more mellow to the idea. He's gone from his comment yesterday to saying he might want to start trying within a year. I just hope he's not saying what he thinks I want to hear though!