Never the right time to be pregnant

[melissalynn]

This is my second child, and don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be pregnant but with both of my pregnancies I have felt like it is the wrong time.
Financially, we are set. Our relationship is amazing. Our son is the perfect age. But my biggest set back is that I am preparing to apply to med school. So I will be the mom with a baby in med. We CHOSE this time, we were trying for over a year. But there is still this nagging thought in the back of my head saying this is the wrong time.
We chose before med school because I knew I wouldn't want to be pregnant in med and I knew that once I start my residency I would want to focus on that.

Am I the only one who feels that there isn't really a "right time" just a "better time" to have a baby?

 

[xdxxtx]

Oh, no. There is no perfect time. There's always something. That's part of being an adult, of course. When I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, I was literally going to be wheeled into surgery but had to cancel when I couldn't pass the pregnancy test!!! Talk about timing! Ha. I was devastated... because the timing was so terrible... but it all worked out wonderfully.

For you and med school, I hope you're able to work it all out okay. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! My OB had her first baby while in med school. She's now the #1 dr where I live!!! So it obviously didn't stunt her success, and she has three awesome kids now! I hope you're just as successful in balancing your personal life and your career!

 

[Perplexed]

I understand what you mean, but I think as pp said, there is no perfect time. There's always going to be something going on and it's just going to have to fit and I'm sure you can. Funny story. When my daughter was around 6 months old (it was June) I was planning to go back to grad school in September... I found out I was expecting my second in August and postponed school for a year. I didn't have a job (still don't) and wanted to enjoy bonding with my daughter before the baby was born. It would have been very possible for me to finish 2 semesters at least before the baby was born... but I just chose not to. My plan was to finish grad school and then start working again...and I wasn't in a hurry to do either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you'll want to postpone med school or anything. I'm just saying things have a way of working out!

 

[WackyMumof2]

I see where you are coming from. I'm on the other side of the fence. I work part-time, promote my business part/full-time depending on the information available to me at the time, study full-time, have regular appointments and meetings in regards to my 2 eldest and hubby does most of what the boys need so I can do what I need to do for our future. We have our last baby on the way - a choice we sat down and talked about in depth before we went for it. Financially, it is hard but I got that 'the f**k are you doing having a forth' look from a workmate and it hurt - big time - because he's usually so darn supportive. Our choices may not fit with everyone BUT my wages support my children and not the Government. Yes, they might top me up to allow me to pay my rent etc, but my children are MY responsibility and no one else's. Every family in NZ who earn under a certain amount gets a payment from IRD for our children - something we are ALL entitled to and it helps out millions of families. I don't hold my hand out for anything and I have to be pretty darn desperate to even ask family for help - in fact, I won't. Everything I get for baby is from MY pocket which he knows I did and that's what makes his reaction hurt even more. While I am working and studying then we may as well because it means by the time baby is 6 months old I am qualified and I can ENJOY a career rather than taking time out to have a baby. And I want DS3 to have someone close in age to grow up with as DS1 and DS2 are 9 and 7.

My point is, not everyone is going to see things from your point of view. And it may have messed up your plans but it WILL work out in the end.

 

[Perplexed]

I see where you are coming from. I'm on the other side of the fence. I work part-time, promote my business part/full-time depending on the information available to me at the time, study full-time, have regular appointments and meetings in regards to my 2 eldest and hubby does most of what the boys need so I can do what I need to do for our future. We have our last baby on the way - a choice we sat down and talked about in depth before we went for it. Financially, it is hard but I got that 'the f**k are you doing having a forth' look from a workmate and it hurt - big time - because he's usually so darn supportive. Our choices may not fit with everyone BUT my wages support my children and not the Government. Yes, they might top me up to allow me to pay my rent etc, but my children are MY responsibility and no one else's. Every family in NZ who earn under a certain amount gets a payment from IRD for our children - something we are ALL entitled to and it helps out millions of families. I don't hold my hand out for anything and I have to be pretty darn desperate to even ask family for help - in fact, I won't. Everything I get for baby is from MY pocket which he knows I did and that's what makes his reaction hurt even more. While I am working and studying then we may as well because it means by the time baby is 6 months old I am qualified and I can ENJOY a career rather than taking time out to have a baby. And I want DS3 to have someone close in age to grow up with as DS1 and DS2 are 9 and 7.

My point is, not everyone is going to see things from your point of view. And it may have messed up your plans but it WILL work out in the end.

I'm sorry the comment from your work-mate hurt. I understand completely. You know your experience and how hard you work and that you didn't ask anyone for help to support your family. You and your hubby are the only ones entitled to making this decision and making choices for your family. Given how hard you work, your work-mate has no right to give an opinion. All I can say is these comments often come from ignorance and/or from their own view of what a family should look like and often doesn't have much to do with your and your abilities. Children are a blessing, enjoy them!

 

[karoolia]

I don't think there is ever a perfect time. I feel like our timing is as good as we're going to get. I only work part-time at a fairly easy job. I'm in the US on a visa and opportunities were limited for someone who has a year by year work permit. This time next year we are moving back to Canada where I will hopefully go back to work full time, hopefully in a government policy/research position or as a lawyer. So having a baby now would make a lot more sense. But our finances are more limited now and starting in September I'm starting an online master's degree. So some pros to now some cons, but after weighing both sides now seemed like the best time since I will be able to keep working after the baby comes then probably have a few months off after the move before starting work again.

Admittedly we tried to time things so baby would come during my Christmas break from my Masters, but then we got pregnant a month early then a miscarriage changed our plans and now baby is due in March. I figure things will happen and we'll make it work however life plays out.

 

[MindUtopia]

There will always be massive trade offs, especially when you are balancing a professional life with parenting, and the timing is never perfect. I had my first 4 years into a 7 year PhD program. It was very much planned that way and definitely the best possible time for us, but it did mean having to slog my way through 3 more years (after taking a year off for maternity leave) while balancing trying to finish my degree with having a toddler, never mind the financial strains of being a student and having to rely on mostly one income. I'm glad we didn't wait (I was 32 when she was born), but of course, it would have been easier if I wasn't having to balance professional obligations with my time with her, while worrying about money (of course, if that was the case, I'd be in a career I didn't really love or I'd be at home and I'd be depressed and bored out of my mind, so that would be a huge trade off too).

We'll have a 5 year age gap so this time around I've finished by PhD, started a postdoctoral research position, and am now applying for future research grants to continue work I'm doing now. It's equally challenging because I'm at a place in my career that is very financially unstable. Our contracts are all short-term, a year, maybe two to three years at most, so there's never any guarantee how much longer I'll really have a job. But there's still so much pressure to be publishing and applying for future research grants to extend your contracts. At the moment, my current salary is only guarantee up until October. After that, if I'm lucky, my university will find some money to keep me a few months longer, if not, I'm unemployed but not due until February, so it's still too early to start maternity leave if I want a full year off again (which I do). It's always going to be a trade off, especially as a woman in a professional field where there are already lots of pressures to work longer hours, produce research outputs or certain patient outcomes (I'm sure you'll find this in medicine as well), while also just keeping the house afloat. But I wouldn't have the career I enjoy and I wouldn't have had one (and soon to be two) children before I got too old (I'll be 37 when this one arrives) if I hadn't done it when I did. So I guess that's just the way it was meant to be.

You'll do it. I think the second time around should be easier anyway as you know what to expect and can at least plan for how to balance it all a little bit better.

 

[Sarahcake]

I too don't think that there is a perfect time. Unless your mega rich and things like work aren't a factor you need to consider!

I had my son in a really bad relationship when I was living miles and miles away from home. It was bad timing... But nearly 5 uears on and some bad times, im still standing

This time around, I have a wonderful supportive fiance, I'm back in my home town with incredible support from family and friends.... And it's a crap time as I just accepted a new job (before I found out I was pregnant) which is a step up the ladder for me and back in the hospital where I want to be so a step closer to my nurse training.

They don't know yet as I havnt started the job (DBS checks taking MONTHS to come back) but I'm so scared and that's tainting my whole pregnancy experience at the moment. But I know that in 5 more years time, this won't even be a thing I think about as things will be fine!

Really is no such thing as a perfect time, you take the timing your given and work with it as best you can I think, and we do because we're awesome

 

[WackyMumof2]

I'm sorry the comment from your work-mate hurt. I understand completely. You know your experience and how hard you work and that you didn't ask anyone for help to support your family. You and your hubby are the only ones entitled to making this decision and making choices for your family. Given how hard you work, your work-mate has no right to give an opinion. All I can say is these comments often come from ignorance and/or from their own view of what a family should look like and often doesn't have much to do with your and your abilities. Children are a blessing, enjoy them!

His reaction is the reaction I expect from my other sister which is why I have yet to tell her. My mother I think will worry more than anything so I have yet to break it to her. But my workmate just threw me. My boss joked around and told me I must be a sucker for punishment (I think he might be right! ) but that comment caught me off guard. I don't know if he's concerned, joking or angry. He's generally really, really easy to read. He's the only one I've had a negative reaction from. But I'm going to try not to let it bug me. He'll be fine in time but it does make working with him at the moment a little awkward to say the least.

 

[Agcam]

There never is a "perfect" time.

Before DS1, we talked about it for a very long time....not enough time, money, job security, support...there seemed to be many reasons to wait. In the end, we came to the conclusion that we just had to go for it. Otherwise, we'd simply keep talking about it for the next decade, because there never would be the perfect time.

This time around, age is a big factor. We can't afford to leave it too much longer because I'm 2 years from 40 now. DS1 is also starting school, so we don't have nursery fees any more (a big reason for us not to have a second child yet).

MelissayLynn - Good luck with medschool!

Whackymom - I'm sorry that your colleague felt that he could judge you. This decision is solely between you and your husband, and made in the best interests of your family. I know it hurts, but please ignore any such reactions. They have absolutely nothing to do with you.

MindUtopia - I'm in the same boat. I waited until I finished a 7 year PhD to have DS1 (was 33 at the time). I'm now a Research Associate, and my current funding stream runs out around the time that baby is due. I don't know what is going to happen after that. With DS1, I only took 3 months maternity leave, but plan to have close to a year this time around. I'm trying not to dwell too much on finances, because I get incredibly nervous.
I know that my boss is going to be unhappy when I tell him (which will probably have to be soon, given the nature of the work), but this is our decision. We're not going to do this again, so I plan to enjoy it as much as I can.