Not coping no friends & dunno how to rebuild my life

[sambucababy]

As the days have gone on I m feeling more and more down, have been back and forth to GP yet the tabs dont take the edge off how im feeling and i feel more and more withdrawn. The waiting list for counselling is 12 wks and i feel like im sinking.

He came to see our daughter on Sunday, he wasnt unpleasant but was it was awkward and left me feeling very sad, he didnt seem overly happy either he was very quiet but that was probably him feelin awkward too.

He said he hadnt been with this girl constantly for 10 yrs behind my back with his families knowledge, but over the last few years he has had a thing for her gone to her for a while then its fizzled out then rekindled at a later date and so on - he said he restarted things with her a few months back as he was unhappy but I told him he should have spoken to me then or ended "us" then.

I dont understand him nor why he upped and left at the time he did - im guessing she may well be pregnant again, i have no idea. He has made no further contact since his visit and no arrangements to see his daughter again so am not sure what will happen there.

He asked if I would carry on doing his admin/ bills etc but I said no and he showed me a text from his niece telling him to say hello to me and that she loves me, then i noticed (though he tried to hide it) a photo of him his new GF and child on his phone.

Am more confused than ever, am taking my tabs, going to docs, talking to peeps and doing anythin and everything to distract myself but my head is constantly full of thoughts - I say I feel worse now than when it all first happened, I just dread waking each day.

 

[Snowball]

As the days have gone on I m feeling more and more down, have been back and forth to GP yet the tabs dont take the edge off how im feeling and i feel more and more withdrawn. The waiting list for counselling is 12 wks and i feel like im sinking.

He came to see our daughter on Sunday, he wasnt unpleasant but was it was awkward and left me feeling very sad, he didnt seem overly happy either he was very quiet but that was probably him feelin awkward too.

He said he hadnt been with this girl constantly for 10 yrs behind my back with his families knowledge, but over the last few years he has had a thing for her gone to her for a while then its fizzled out then rekindled at a later date and so on - he said he restarted things with her a few months back as he was unhappy but I told him he should have spoken to me then or ended "us" then.

I dont understand him nor why he upped and left at the time he did - im guessing she may well be pregnant again, i have no idea. He has made no further contact since his visit and no arrangements to see his daughter again so am not sure what will happen there.

He asked if I would carry on doing his admin/ bills etc but I said no and he showed me a text from his niece telling him to say hello to me and that she loves me, then i noticed (though he tried to hide it) a photo of him his new GF and child on his phone.

Am more confused than ever, am taking my tabs, going to docs, talking to peeps and doing anythin and everything to distract myself but my head is constantly full of thoughts - I say I feel worse now than when it all first happened, I just dread waking each day.

My ex DH ran off with a woman but they don't have a child (that I know of) so I can only imagine how you're feeling

I don't understand why he's not making more arrangements to see your daughter? I swear when these men decide to run off to the greener grass they don't think to make it as easy as possible for the people they leave behind.

I know it doesn't seem it but it will get more bearable. In the early days I didn't eat or sleep hardly at all. I was so down that all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sob. Now I get more good days than bad. I still have days where I can't pick myself up or the image of him with the other woman overwhelms me but I have our children to stay happy for and luckily they have lessened. It will happen for you too. Can I also say I think you did well to meet with him... I'm not sure I could have if my ex DH's girlfriend hadn't have dumped him, let alone look at pics of them together. You are being so strong

 

[sambucababy]

thanks hun, i saw him for my daughters sake i think its set me back to be honest and the last tthing i feel is strong, although i know it would never work i wish he wud just want to come back, i cannot believe how he has blanked me from his life after all the years we had together, im shattered

 

[Snowball]

thanks hun, i saw him for my daughters sake i think its set me back to be honest and the last tthing i feel is strong, although i know it would never work i wish he wud just want to come back, i cannot believe how he has blanked me from his life after all the years we had together, im shattered

I know it's always said hun but it's totally his loss and you usually find people who can just run off and start again elsewhere will continue to do it throughout their lives... They'll never settle and never be happy.

I think the desire to want them to want to come back is the want for them to realise what they've thrown away. It may take months or even years but they will hun. You deserve better than someone who had to lead a double life to be happy

I'd start organising things. Make sure he's paying maintenance for your daughter, get everything of his out the house and make it your own. It's not going to take all the pain away but it will help refresh you from the life you've lived with him. It'll do you good

 

[miss_amy]

Awww Big big hugs. The early weeks trully are awful. I remember thinking my life is over, I'm single, been dumped and no one will ever want me again. I think I cried solidly for about a month.
Then one day the tears just dried up and I thought right I'm goingt o pick myself up. I bought some new clothes and had my hair done in a completely new style. I went on a couple of dates with men who treated me like I was a beautiful woman. I started to feel better and life was actually better.

You just have to sit out this awful time until you feel ready to say right now I'm going to face and get on with the rest of my life.

You don't want to be with a man who thinks you are second best. One day you will see this as a new start and for the best.

Take care of yourself. Please eat whatever you can. Making yourself poorly will just make you tired and feel worse.

 

[sambucababy]

Oh im feeling awful now, had txt off him earlier asking how i was and if our daughter was ok, tried to be a bit friendlier and asked he was too but he told me he was "all good" and then asked me if I know if there was a part missing from his treadmill, I replied no and then he phoned me whittering on about this treadmill as happy as larry and im sat at the other end thinkin u clearly do not give a flying **** about me do u, how insensitive can he be grrrr.

 

[Snowball]

Oh im feeling awful now, had txt off him earlier asking how i was and if our daughter was ok, tried to be a bit friendlier and asked he was too but he told me he was "all good" and then asked me if I know if there was a part missing from his treadmill, I replied no and then he phoned me whittering on about this treadmill as happy as larry and im sat at the other end thinkin u clearly do not give a flying **** about me do u, how insensitive can he be grrrr.

I think men are just programmed differently to us. My ex went all about the practicalities of his stuff and where this and that was... I just wanted to talk about our feelings.

I think you are doing so well. I'd be tempted to insert that missing part of the treadmill somewhere!

 

[sambucababy]

Lol there is no missing part, he rang a second time saying it switches on but they dont know how to do the settings, I couldnt keep it together so had to make an excuse and hang up,

I keep trying to read into things like is he really fine or is he just saying that, is he really phoning about the treadmill or is he just trying to keep contact & then I think whats the point he has gone and left me forsomeone else, he hasnt asked to come back so why am I dwelling on everything but no matter what I do my head WILL NOT stop !!

 

[Snowball]

Lol there is no missing part, he rang a second time saying it switches on but they dont know how to do the settings, I couldnt keep it together so had to make an excuse and hang up,

I keep trying to read into things like is he really fine or is he just saying that, is he really phoning about the treadmill or is he just trying to keep contact & then I think whats the point he has gone and left me forsomeone else, he hasnt asked to come back so why am I dwelling on everything but no matter what I do my head WILL NOT stop !!

Is he honestly asking for tips for a treadmill for him and his 'other woman' to use so they can play happy families like he's left nothing behind?... cheeky sod!

Have you ever actually sat and talked about the situation properly or did he kind of give you the facts and run?

 

[sambucababy]

[/QUOTE]

Is he honestly asking for tips for a treadmill for him and his 'other woman' to use so they can play happy families like he's left nothing behind?... cheeky sod!

Have you ever actually sat and talked about the situation properly or did he kind of give you the facts and run?[/QUOTE]

He reckons he has sold the treadmill to a friend - who knows whats going on. As for talking he just wont do it, he got found out and has given me that many versions of the truth Im not sure even he knows the truth anymore.

As for sitting down and talking about the future he wont be able to do this either, he is the "live for today" happy go lucky kinda guy - he talks to me now like we are best friends and he has done nothing wrong, he is clearly settled where he is at the moment and has no remorse for his actions etc. To be honest I dont think I ever really knew him, I just have to get on with it now, I just begin to dread his texts and calls now as quite frankly although its not fair on my daughter but i wish he would disapear off the face of the earth for the use that he is!

 

[Vixen_17]

OK, how about you say to him that you would like to be friends in the future for the sake of your daughter but right now you are really really hurting and would appreciate it if he only contacted you to discuss your daughter. If he continues to text random things tell him to [insert rude word here] off.

It sounds like he's still playing mind games with you hun - he's making sure you're just at the end of the phone and will respond to every text he sends you. He doesn't NEED to contact you about the sodding treadmill, its just an excuse for him. You will not be able to heal or move on whilst you are still responding to him pressing your buttons.

Refocus your energies onto yourself and your little one. Get to the park and get some fresh air. Look around at how beautiful the world is because one day you WILL be happy in it again.

 

[Snowball]

I personally think it's impossible to become 'mates' after something like this happens. My ex DH wanted to be friends and I just can't, it cuts too deep and I'm way too hurt from him to ever trust him even over so much as a simple friendship.

How was he with your daughter when he saw her?

 

[sambucababy]

sorry im just updating this for a quick rant, he has phoned me today so I ignored it and txt him sayin im too upset for bessie mate chit chat and that i'll happly discuss our daughter but in the short term thats all i can deal with.

he txt back saying sorry saying he only wanted to know how much his car insurance direct debit was and when it was due, I wouldnt mind but he has all the paperwork and set the policy up himself but is too lazy to even look !! What is wrong with him !

 

[Snowball]

sorry im just updating this for a quick rant, he has phoned me today so I ignored it and txt him sayin im too upset for bessie mate chit chat and that i'll happly discuss our daughter but in the short term thats all i can deal with.

he txt back saying sorry saying he only wanted to know how much his car insurance direct debit was and when it was due, I wouldnt mind but he has all the paperwork and set the policy up himself but is too lazy to even look !! What is wrong with him !

Good god, tell him to go look after himself (has certainly as in everyother department!). I can't believe he has the barefaced cheek to be asking you about such mundane rubbish considering the bombshell he's just dropped!

 

[sambucababy]

OK, how about you say to him that you would like to be friends in the future for the sake of your daughter but right now you are really really hurting and would appreciate it if he only contacted you to discuss your daughter. If he continues to text random things tell him to [insert rude word here] off.

It sounds like he's still playing mind games with you hun - he's making sure you're just at the end of the phone and will respond to every text he sends you. He doesn't NEED to contact you about the sodding treadmill, its just an excuse for him. You will not be able to heal or move on whilst you are still responding to him pressing your buttons.

Refocus your energies onto yourself and your little one. Get to the park and get some fresh air. Look around at how beautiful the world is because one day you WILL be happy in it again.

Thanks hun, I did just more or less text what you suggested, I think its sheer lazyness on his part as I did all the bills and admin etc when we were together but despite what he did, I did initially explain to him what he would need to do to transfer his direct debits etc - he is just too used to bein spoonfed I think lol x

 

[sambucababy]

I personally think it's impossible to become 'mates' after something like this happens. My ex DH wanted to be friends and I just can't, it cuts too deep and I'm way too hurt from him to ever trust him even over so much as a simple friendship.

How was he with your daughter when he saw her?

He was very quiet when he came to see her and a little subdued but maybe that was awkwardness, I made him a coffee and left the room so he could have time with her on his own, but then he made an excuse and called me back into the room and played with a daughter but wasnt quite himself, hard to explain - I held it together well until after he had gone - it was hard !

 

[sambucababy]

today has been hard - i ve felt really down and upset have been trying to find ideas to move forward with my life but am stumped, i feel so very low, my friends dont know what to say to me anymore and im waiting for counselling and seeing GP frequently but Im just not managing very well at all. Im so tired of the heartache, I need answers I know i'll never get I ve just simply had as much as I can take I feel so disheartened, flat & empty just feels like its never going to get any easier each day just seems harder.

 

[miss_amy]

Its still very early days. Give yourself time. You are doing the right thing not answering his calls. Sounds to me like excuses just to talk to you and keep you there for him. Put yourself first right now. Things like treadmills or car insurance he can call up or look online even if he doesn't have the paperwork. It isn't your problem.

Friends might not know what to say but they will be there for you I'm sure.

I promise you this pain will pass.

As for the friend thing I think it is possible but only after the emotions of it have had time to move on. In my case that took about 8 years. I'm not sure you would call me and my first husband mates, we don't socialise or meet up for BBQs or anything but we can have a coffee and a civil conversation about the kids. He has helped me out a few times when I have had problems and I've looked after his dog when he's on holiday. I think that's about as good as it will get.

 

[sambucababy]

Thanks for the kind words hopefully today will be easier xx

 

[Vixen_17]

Miss Amy summed everything up perfectly. What you are going through now hun is grief. You will feel just as bad as if someoned died because they kinda did. Your relationship and the future you expected are now different to how you thought they were going to pan out and that's what you're grieving for. You're not necessarily missing "him" if that makes any sense. The new future that waits for you will be a zillion times better than the old one and one day you will come through the fog and see that.

You are hurting and that is totally natural. Like so many people have said, it WILL get better and the pain will begin to fade, it just needs time. Be patient. You are totally doing the right thing by telling him to sort his own life out! Its nice that you're still posting on here because although we've never met you we are looking out for you and thinking of you too.

Stay strong hun. Look after yourself. Your daughter needs you.