So because I have no one to talk to (my husband works so much) and my parents dont care about me, I just need someone to talk to. And this is the only place I feel like people understand and wont tell me I just need to stop trying. This maybe long so I dont blame you if you dont read it. I guess I just need to write it down, so I know that this baby mattered and that someone else will know about it, (since we didnt tell anyone) I need someone to know how much this baby was wanted. How when my husband stuck his hand on my stomach I felt the love we created growing inside me. How hopeful my husband was that this baby was going to be ok, he bought that stocking for the baby because he was so sure the baby was ok. My son begging for a little brother and us laughing thinking how either would be great. How we have waited for a year and 3 months for a baby to finally stick. After having our second baby die in our arms, that everything was going to be ok. How all of are heartbreak was finally over, even if it was going to be difficult to get through, we wanted this baby more than ever. And the baby did exist, even if we never saw it, it grew inside of me and I felt that short maternal love. After the miscarriage in august I just wanted to be pregnant again, but this time I dont, I want this baby back. I dont want another baby, I want this one that for some reason I felt so much more love for (not that I didnt love the last 2 babies that ended in miscarriage) I just really felt this love, that is how I knew I needed to test, my husband stuck his hand on my stomach on 11/12/11 before he fell asleep and I felt that love, the next morning that beautiful second pink line was there. I started bleeding and my husband lost hope, but after hearing my levels went up he was sure that this was going to be ok, he wanted me to go to the ER on 11/20/11 so that he could hear that the baby was ok. More than I feel bad for me, I feel bad that my husband got excited. He is the one who asked to have another baby, and he is the one that told me his gut feeling was that this baby would be ok, and that he wanted the baby to celebrate christmas with us even though it wasnt out of my womb yet. So I just wanted to write about this baby, because it has left more of an impact on my then the previous two. I love all my babies, but this one really took a part of my heart with him or her which I will never know. I pray to god that he be tender on my heart for it is breaking more and more, and I feel like I have been pushed to a point that I may not be able to recover from. I feel so guilty for not being able to carrying this baby. When I apologized to my husband for not being able to carry our baby for him he told me I did nothing wrong, I know I didnt do anything on purpose to cause this, however there is something wrong with me, there is no doubting that, and I feel sorry that I cant give my husband what he wants, and I am sorry for the babies that have died and pray that they were never in any pain or that they dont blame me, for if I knew this would be their fait I would have never tried to create them. More than anything though I am sorry I hurt my husband, I feel like I have let him down and I hate to see him hurt because of me. He talks about the hope he still has that we can have a baby, but I never want to hurt him again like I have. I am sorry I cant give my son the little brother he begs for, I am sorry I cant feel my babies move inside of me.