I'm having no problem today with the site, which is nice. I like stalking everyone X'D
Trigger warning perhaps?:
Anyway update here, I have been struggling mentally again. While we had always discussed a surprise baby, we never thought it would happen. I have come around to another baby, which is good, I want to be excited, but I'm more scared. Scared because with my daughter (first birth) I almost bled out. Over 2.5 liters of blood lost shortly after giving birth with her. I had been given everything they could and it wasn't seeming to work. I remember vividly what went on, I remember a nurse literally on top of me trying to get my uterus to contract. I remember starting to feel their worry (I can pick up on emotions easily). It stopped though and my hemoglobin from hours prior had gone from a 13 down to a 5.9. I should have been transfused, but since my body handled it well I wasn't. My doctor when he found out I wasn't transfused was beyond pissed. It was scary and I remember it.
With our son, second birth, I only had a very tiny hemorrhage a little while after I had him. I was able to hold him even, but his wasn't easy either. I was leaking fluid for up tot a week prior, I couldn't get in to see my normal doctor and he knows I know my body to a T and he listens to me. This new doctor, guess what, shrugged me off as the typical end of pregnancy female who just wanted to be done -_-. Later that same day my water had broken. Several hours later from that, while in the hospital I spiked a fever of over 103 F. I had an infection and they tried as long as they could to not give me anything in hopes he would be born. But they had to. He was born a few hours later then, but had to go to NICU.
I appreciate all the NICU nurses, I do, but not for my son. He was 10.5 lbs and they treated him like a 3 month old. Making him drink 3-4 oz of formula each time they fed him, on which he puked up. He's a new born he doesn't need that much right away. It was frustrating. He was there simply because he needed the antibiotics out of him. That was it. He didn't get much care there, which he didn't need, but I felt sorry for him because I couldn't be there all the time. He had a bunch of extra tests on him to see why he was puking up, but when we found out it was due to how much he was drinking and contacted his doctor (whom he didn't see yet) he was like WTF, and said his stomach is only the size of a marble don't feed him that much. Which that took care of it then but still he went through a lot of extra stuff because they where treating him like a 3 month old as that was his size. *sighs*
And then to help with that, I never bonded with him like I did our daughter. I ended up with Post patrum depression. I didn't open up on it for a long time. I kept everything to myself, my best friend (my husband) didn't see what was wrong with me, instead we just got into more arguments when we RARELY ever argued. Things where my fault, all of it was. Whether he said stuff or not, I was in a bad place mentally. I finally opened up ten months later to a friend and she realized what I had. The more i talked to her, the more I understood that this might have happened because of the antibotics, that my body didn't release the right way as it normally would have after birth as it was trying to fix me.
The more I talked with her, the more I started to open up with my husband, and the more I felt better and finally pulled myself out of it a few months later.
I have talked with my doctor and he is going to keep a closer eye on me after birth. I adore my doctor I actually feel like he cares for his patients. But I can't help but have such high anxiety of the after birth. I worry about dying, about bleeding out, about not connecting with baby again. About another infection or NICU stay.
I plan on talking to him at my apt this week as it's really been the past week or so that my anxiety has started to take over with this. I have calmed down some after talking to my husband again about it, but the fear is still there and I'm scared.
Happier note!
I put together the crib a few weeks ago and love it. We also got our bassinet and will put that up soon. We pretty much have everything except the breast pump I want to get and a bottle warmer, and of course diapers and wipes. How's everyone else doing with buying things?
I didn’t feel this sick when I did it with DS1 last year.
