OH stressing me out again!

[Jennifurball]

I am getting worried at the levels of stress I am being put under right now.

OH seems to have gone on meltdown, just spent the weekend drunk, his family are on the verge of throwing him out - he can't explain why he is doing this. I have told him this is going to split us up. He said he is drinking more because he has lost his job (got made redundant last month), I told him to man up and do what other people do, get out there and make the effort.

So I have had a terrible weekend, I get home yesterday morning and get a text from him saying his dad has thrown him out, then later in the day I find out he hasn't - sick of it all. I have told him it is making me ill and if he doesn't sort himself with a job by the end of this month and stops wasting his money on booze, we are over.

He then came up with a stupid idea of buying an off road motorbike as a 'hobby' to keep him occupied and stop drinking, oh yes buying something that costs more than drink when we have a baby and a house to pay for, great idea!

So I went round this morning, I ended up crying and he said he is sorry and knows he will end up losing me, why can't that be the kick up the bum?? He said he loves me and baby but if he did he wouldn't be drinking!

I know years and years ago he had a problem when his ex cheated and they had a bad split, but I honestly thought he was over all that and was ok again. If he turns to drink at the slightest hurdle, how will he cope with a baby? Seriously?

I am worried the stress he is causing me will hurt baby. I am getting anxious symptoms like palpitations and headaches. I get more anxious when we aren't together wondering what he is up to. Just so sick of it.

What am I going to do??

 

[kat2504]

I can see that the redundancy has hit him very badly, hence the drinking and the daft idea for a hobby. But as you say, he needs to man up. It is very hard losing your job and often people do react badly. He needs to get help with his drinking. He needs to stop thinking of stupid hobby ideas and think about you and the baby.

this level of stress is not good for you when you are pregnant. you already have enough on your plate. As I have said before, you need to get yourself sorted before you can worry about him. He is a grown man after all and needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. He clearly has an alcohol problem and if I were in your shoes, I would be leaving him unless he could demonstrate he was getting proper help with the drinking.

 

[Jennifurball]

I just can't see why he won't change before it came to me leaving, I find the thought a bit scary splitting again, seeing him in the future with someone else while I bring his child up etc.

I just want him to grow up.

 

[kat2504]

You can't make someone change. Perhaps if he realises you are serious about leaving him and not just making threats that might be the wake up call that he needs. I should think it would be more scary trying to look after a baby and deal with a man with a drinking problem. You are a capable woman and you will do just fine either with or without him.

 

[Jennifurball]

I know I could cope if it came down to it, he would make things harder work.

I was going to suggest a break but I fear that will send him further down into his mess. He said I am too negative with him and he needs my support, having his parents biting his head off every two mins doesn't help him. He said he feels depressed and said if it wasn't for me and baby, he doesn't know what he would do to himself. I don't need comments like that either.

I have told him to see his GP for help but he says they are no good, he has tried before, well obviously not enough. What a mess.

Wish I could learn to switch off from it.

 

[kat2504]

He really really needs to see a GP, he sounds horrendously depressed and is not dealing with it at all well.

How are you supposed to be positive with him when he is not doing anything for you to be positive about? If you saw that he had been applying for jobs or spending the day doing something productive you would be able to be positive but how can you be positive about him pissing all that money up the wall?

That sort of comment is really not on though. He is trying to emotionally blackmail you. You are NOT responsible for his behaviour. As you say, you don't need that.

A bit of tough love might be needed. Either go to the GP and accept help with his problems or you won't be around and then he won't have to bother about you being "negative".

 

[Jennifurball]

I said that to him, I said how can I change if he doesn't?? Granted I do moan a LOT at him but can you blame me??

Most of the jobs, I have applied for because he is useless with the internet and emails etc, fair enough I don't mind helping, I really don't, I would trawl job sites all night if he would at least do something and not make me look like a mug. I did his CV for him, printed some off, put them in nice wallets for him when he gets interviews and what does he do? Spends his day drinking or seeing his mates. Grrr. He said he is going to the job centre today so fingers crossed he can find something.

I sincerely hope he gets somewhere today. I have begged him to go to the GP, but I can't force him. He is affecting me and my work now and it is not fair. I care too much!

My poor little baby.

 

[kat2504]

I think you should take a back seat. You are doing too much for him. He needs to do it for himself. There is no point you doing all that job hunting when he has zero intention of getting a job at the moment.

Stay away for a bit. Let him sort it out for himself. Show him you care but also show him that you can't cope with that level of stress. He can't be that "useless" with the internet, anyone can do a Google search. And anyone can turn up at local temping agencies with a cv, and anyone can answer ads in the local paper. he is CHOOSING not to do those things at the moment. You can't make him do it, you are only stressing yourself out. Of course you are moaning at him, but you aren't achieving anything if he is not willing to do his bit.

If he goes to the Jobcentre, then be pleased with him and sound optimistic and take an interest and help him with his application forms. if he doesn't, don't go round and have a go at him. Just leave him to it. Let him know you are not happy though. Make it clear what you are expecting from a relationship with him and take a bit of a backward step until he chooses to meet your expectations.

 

[Jennifurball]

That is a good idea.

He SHOULD come back with some jobs as they usually make sure he applies for at least 2 a week so he can claim JSA. So when he does, I will go round after work and try to stay positive, not bring up the bad weekend, and will help him apply. I will try to leave on a positive note each time, as I end up winding myself up more if I have stormed off or left earlier than planned because he has upset me.

Why are some men so hard work? He is 31 FFS!

 

[Jennifurball]

I am feeling so down..

Just had a bit of an argument on the phone.

Has anyone got any ideas on how I can switch off and cheer myself up?

 

[lili_angel]

Hi honey,

It's real tough isn't it? You don't know whether you're coming or going eh? Don't you worry, you'll get through this I promise. Take a deep breath, run yourself a bath, read a crappy magazine whilst you're in there & when you get out put on your favourite film (may I recommend Sex In The City for a bit of girlie power) & curl up with a cuppa tea.

Any attention you give your OH needs to come off the back of something good that he's done. Whilst as his partner you should be there for him no matter what, you've made this quite clear already, several times over in fact & right now he had to earn your respect . It's gonna be a hard lesson fir him but you must take a step back & detach yourself a little...he'll learn soon enough that he has to do something otherwise you'll continue to keep him at arms length. It's not that you'll love him any less because clearly you do, but more so that you love him enough to know that this is the right thing to do for him.

If he makes no effort to earn your respect you'll eventually learn how strong you are & how capable you are. This realisation will see you through all this. Expect bad times when you want to cry & I say do it, but let it out & walk away from it, pretend even that you have all this stress in your hands & actually throw it in the bin. The signifcance of doing that each time will have effect.

I won't discredit anything that he's going through but he needs to help himself, & right now my main concern is you & your concern is your LO.

 

[Jennifurball]

Thank you for that. I will give that a try and see how I get on.

Just so fed up, getting cramps and worried it is my fault for letting him affect me.

I just feel like he is making a mug of me, I was so proud of him on Friday, spent all day looking for work and little did I know he was drinking before I came round, then he started an argument.

I just can't feel like I can trust him at all.

 

[Jennifurball]

Me and OH have made up. He is really sorry and couldn't stop hugging me and kissing me telling me how much he loves me and baby.

His brother and sis in law have just made him an uncle to a little boy and he is looking after their crazy dog so hopefully that will fill his time and also being an uncle may prepare him a little as to how much that little baby needs mummy and daddy. He has also applied for another job today so fingers crossed.

 

[Sew_Sweet]

He obviously needs help. I think I would give him another chance but on the condition that he stops drinking immediately and starts going to AA or a similar organization on a regular basis - oh and finds a job! He needs an ultimatum. You will have to just stick to the ultimatum though whatever that is - that will be the hardest part. Good luck hun!