On the road again graduates

[Left wonderin]

Ladies great news from the doc . No issues with ttc and meds she said such slow dose she is putting oh on he shouldn't have side effects and there is no research that proves any effect on sperm quality etc . She did say some men loose their libido but most experience an increase in sex drive ( can't wait for that lol ) . She was very positive

 

[Topanga053]

oh girls. with these post-partum stories i would have never known of if it weren't for you, well... it kinda makes the waiting for the BFP a tad easier!!!

do you really need to wear granny panties? i mean, how much do you bleed after birth? for how long. be real. don't spare me. i wanna know.

Ha! I totally agree with Red. My hospital room absolutely looked like a murder scene. I hemorrhaged right after the birth and ended up losing twice as much blood as I should have. The doctor was starting to get really concerned when the bleeding finally slowed down. I still remember the look of deep concern in her eyes.

The combination of birth, hemorrhaging, and being up for almost 48 hours with almost no sleep meant that I was very out of it right after the birth. I loved when they put LO on my chest, but honestly, after that, I wanted nothing to do with her. I know that sounds unbelievably awful, but I was so tired and in so much pain, I just wanted someone to take her away. I never got that immediate "earth shattering, the world shifted on its axis" feeling of love. For awhile, I was kind of resentful of her for all of the pain and fatigue she had caused. Bonding with LO took time for me. (I told my mom once--in tears--that I felt awful because I didn't want to be near LO most of the time in the hospital and I never felt that immediate sense of love. And my mom told me not to feel bad because she felt the same way about me when I was born. She said that she had the nurses take me to the nursery all the time because she just wanted to be alone and to sleep.)

Physically, the first few days were AWFUL. Even when the hemorrhaging stopped, I bled very heavily and I was SO. SO. SORE. Getting in and out of bed to go to the bathroom took me forever and hurt so, so much. GOING to the bathroom was excruciating. Honestly, what I remember most from our hospital stay isn't even Lauren, it's how miserable I was physically. Labor and post-labor is one of the things I dread most when I think about TTC again.

I don't remember exactly how long I bled post-birth. I know the first week or two was really heavy (yes, granny panties and yes, lots of pads). I remember DTD around week 3, so the bleeding had at least slowed down at that point, but I also remember that I was still bleeding and wearing pads at my 6 week post-partum visit. So, I want to say it was VERY heavy for a few weeks, and then off and on (some spotting, then some days of period-like bleeding) until about 8 weeks. In general, no fun. Then add a still sore vagina, sleep deprivation, post-partum depression, engorged/leaking breasts and a biting, colicy baby, and really, the first several weeks were pretty miserable.

(But I want to go on record and say I adore LO! Like I said, bonding took some time for me, but once I recovered physically and hormonally and had time to adjust to being a parent, I became obsessed with her and how unbelievably cute she is!!)

 

[Left wonderin]

I don't remember that "tv " moment either , I do remember crying gut wernching sobs with absolute relief he was here and safe . After That I seriously thought I was going to die as I went into shock , bp dropped and I got the shakes !! It wasn't very glamourous!! I kept passing out !! Like Topanga it took a while to make to make the connection . Giving birth is quite traumatic !!! But don't regret on second of it !!

 

[Topanga053]

Thanks Left! So glad to hear that I'm not alone! You always hear/see these stories (real or on TV) of women falling instantly in love with their kids, so I felt like a terrible mother when I didn't feel that way for awhile. Just one more thing I wish our culture would be honest about!!!

And that's great news about TTC! Glad to hear his meds won't interfere with things!

 

[Carybear]

One of my friends told me that when her kids were born she just kept thinking that were supposed to be cutere than that

She has beautiful children, but she said that the first few days she didn't feel that bonding feeling at all...

 

[skyesmom]

ghgh ok i'll brace myself for all that, with hope that years of vegetarian food regime will help a bit with the post-partum toilet armagedons when the time comes.

and regarding bonding - i think there it really depends on many factors, of which the labor i think influences it a lot. you kind of end up losing your physical identity for a while while pregnant, and a devastating labor with physical or emotional traumas can really bring you down into the hole. i mean, it is kind of normal, isn't it, a part of our survival instinct to feel hostility to whatever almost caused our physical death, right? be it an animal, a person or even food (just remember how you cringe to something you've vomited your guts after eating it, even years later).

of course no one can show that on film as it doesn't make a nice clean politically correct and socially acceptable scene (i mean, PPD was a silent hell that women started talking about just a decade ago). and i really find it brave of all of you ladies to be so open about your own stories of slower bonding.

in real life, i've heard both versions and honestly, the TV moment kind of thing i heard of mainly from moms who were lucky to have quick and non-traumatic labors. i think no one who hasn't been through it can't allow themselves to judge anybody.

and thanks for being so sincere about the whole thing!

Left - great to hear about the meds and TTC.. and maybe even an increased sex drive lol what a nice possible side effect indeed!!

 

[Starry Night]

I was asleep for my son's section so bonding took a little time. I knew I liked him right away but it actually took a few weeks for the gushy feelings to come. With DD I felt the difference in the level of bonding when they first laid her on my chest but the moment of her arrival wasn't as magical as I had imagined. By that point I had been up for 24 hours, in active labour for 19 and was so doped up on drugs that I almost felt like I was having an outer body experience. I could feel just enough pressure so I knew when to push but with the forceps it was over so quick and everything felt so far away that I didn't believe the doctors when they said "she is coming". ha ha I didn't feel her coming until the last push and she slid out and that was more a weird feeling of a big gloop meeting flailing limbs. I was super relieved to hear her cries but I was even more relieved that horrifying labour was over.

I will say that with the forceps delivery they put your feet in the most comfortable stirrups ever. They're soft, padded boots so your feet won't slide around. They should do all labours in them. Gives you real traction versus holding onto your own legs.

Left - I'm so glad to hear the meds for your OH's depression shouldn't affect TTC. A positive doctor really helps with the optimism too.

afm - guess the PPD is still sticking around. Hannah's colic was really bad today and she's going through some growth spurt so she wanted to eat every 1 1/2 hours. My PPD is affecting my sleep too so those 45 minute windows where I can catch wink or two are ruined by my tossing and turning. I really am going off of maybe 3 hours of sleep (broken up into about 3 chunks) in 24 hour periods. Nearly had a breakdown today and had to leave her screaming in our room just so I could lie on the couch and actually go into unconscious sleep for about 15 minutes.

Thankfully, yesterday my doctor told me my only "to do" list is to make sure everyone is fed and that everyone sleeps. So that removes any guilt of spending most of the day lying on the couch. I might not be sleeping but at least I'm getting some sort of rest.

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry sounds like you have a very sensible doctor !! Its hard to have any other " to do list " without ppd let alone with it !! I thought it was a HUGE achievement when I cooked dinner in thefirst few weeks if I had it to do all over again I'd be much kinder and nicer to myself and you should bexxxxx

 

[Starry Night]

Today was better as I had a better sleep last night. Hannah still fusses in her sleep a bit so I banished myself to the couch and turned on the air conditioner (it's quite loud). I got 3 straight hours. It would have been four but I got anxious about her in my sleep and woke myself up. She was still quiet so I went back to sleep for another hour. After she fed (even with a bottle the process still takes an hour by the time she's asleep again) I got another 2 1/2 hours when DS woke up and started banging on his bedroom door. Hannah slept another 2 hours so I put in a movie for DS and got some broken sleep of about 30 minutes on the couch. It was nice. I didn't get an afternoon nap though and this time it was DS' fault. I put Hannah in our room and she fussed at first but did go quiet and I was about to konk out on the couch and was even starting to dream when DS started to bang on his bedroom door again and I'm the type that once I'm up, I'm up. So frustrating.

I'm glad the doctor gave me such a short "to do" list because it's been 3 days and I STILL haven't folded the laundry that I've been meaning to do. Yikes. ha ha

 

[Topanga053]

Starry, just wanted to check in. How are you and Hannah feeling today?


**TRIGGER WARNING: discusses reaction to BFNs**

Afm, I got the stomach flu/food poisoning last night, so I'm home recovering. As long as I'm on the couch I feel relatively ok, but as soon as I walk around I am immediately exhausted. I just went upstairs and had to immediately sit on the floor to get some energy back. Awful!

Also, I'm not going to lie, being nauseous/sick/miserable last night kind of made me rethink no. 2! I took a pregnancy test just in case (BFN; one week before AF due) and I was actually kind of relieved when it was negative. I think it was just fear how bad the sickness would be if it was THAT bad early on. Anyway, I'm sure I'll feel differently once I'm healthy again. But it was SO WEIRD to be relieved to see a BFN. Completely surreal after 1+ year of bawling my eyes out every time it was negative.

 

[Starry Night]

Topanga - I get you on the weird reactions to BFNs shortly after having a baby. About 3 months after DS was born DH and I got a little frisky but didn't have protection on hand and then 2 weeks later I was feeling nauseous, crampy with heartburn and a bit flushed. Then I noticed a tiny bit of a pink spot when I went to the washroom. All seemed like pregnancy signs! At first I thought that was kind of exciting but then I remembered how i was on bed rest with my son the entire pregnancy and if that happened again, I would essentially miss all of my son's first year. And nevermind I'd have a baby turning 1 and an newborn! I was never so relieved to see a bfn. AF showed up two weeks after THAT so I guess I was just getting really strong ovulation signs which usually are similar to my preggo signs...just milder.

afm - think I'm doing OK. I have some really, really good days and I'll start to think I'm past everything or that my PPD diagnosis was over the top or that I was simply milking my baby blues for attention. But then I have bad days too where I feel like everything is horrible, terrible and I just can't cope. Hannah has been switched to a gentle formula and that seems to be helping to ease the colic and reflux. It makes me see light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to her scream fests. And she smiled at me for the first time on Saturday. In fact, she was all smiles all day. DS didn't smile until 5 or 6 weeks so getting one this early was such a pleasant surprise.

 

[Starry Night]

One of my low points yesterday actually came while spending the evening with relatives in the city. One mentioned how she had just been at a funeral for a friend's baby. The baby had been miscarried at 17 weeks but because it actually lived for 10 minutes after being born it was given a birth certificate and officially classified as a stillbirth. She was sharing the story as if, while still very sad,it was neat and special that the couple got to have a funeral. I suppose it was good for the couple to have that but it made me feel like she was saying had it been a miscarriage the baby's death wouldn't have counted as much, which, in turn, made me feel like my babies didn't matter. The story also underscored that I didn't get to have funerals for my babies and that they were unceremoniously flushed down the toilet...by me....guilt, guilt, GUILT!

The rest of the evening was essentially ruined as my depression and anxiety flared up big time and everything seemed horrible....my son's coughs and DD's spit up were all sure signs that their deaths were approaching, etc, etc and I could not cope with her cries (it was a colicky day) and I was so FURIOUS with her by evening that DH had to put her to bed and of course she went straight to sleep for him.

Today is a bit better. Feeling a little more like myself and DD is having a calm day. She's actually napping in her bassinet and DS' cough is more under control

 

[Topanga053]

Colic and PPD are so, so hard. I don't know if your DS had colic or if this is your first exposure to it, but if it is, it WILL get better. I know it's hard to imagine when every day is filled with more screaming, but it DOES end. It's just plugging through one day at a time (and don't feel bad if you have to put Hannah in her crib for a bit and shut the door! Anyone who said newborns can't "cry it out" for a little bit absolutely never had a newborn with colic!!). Then one day all of a sudden you'll realize she didn't scream that day. Or the next. For us, it was around 11 weeks when it stopped (I really don't even remember exactly when). And now? People--even strangers--can't believe what a calm and happy baby she is. She only cries now if she's in pain, hungry, or tired. I can go shopping with her all day and she just watches everyone and smiles. My friend couldn't believe it and she DEFINITELY couldn't believe that for the first three months of her life Lauren would scream her head off for hours a day. Now it's hard for even us to remember that she was like that. It feels like just a vague memory at this point.

I give you lots of credit too for dealing with it as a SAHM with another kid to care for. It's tough work. One of the reasons why I was ready to go back to work is because it was so tough being in the house alone all day with a colicky baby. DH came right out and said he has no idea how I did it and that he couldn't have coped, especially if he also had to deal with post-birth hormones.

So do whatever you need to do get through and manage your PPD, which is very real and NOT in your head! Take a walk. Get a babysitter and have a date night. Take naps. Forget the housework. Journal. Take meds. Have a friend help when Hannah's screaming is too much. Talk to a therapist. Put Hannah in her crib and walk away for a bit... she will be fine and with colic there is absolutely nothing you can do to comfort her anyway. Sometimes your sanity is more important.

Also, there are some colic treatments on the market (gas drops, gripe water, etc). We tried most of them and nothing helped Lauren, but it felt good to at least try and they have worked for some women. One of our doctors also recommended swaddling her VERY tightly and saying "SHHHH!" In her ear very loudly over and over again (supposed to mimic the sound and feel of the womb). We tried a couple of times and it did help a little bit.

 

[skyesmom]

geez girls you are real troopers. i think colic + latching/BF issues are a nightmare to deal with, PPD or not... and can "help" someone who has never had issues go into PPD together with all the hormones and all.

i admire you all so so much!

still waiting for my bloods to come back (although i have a feeling it is all just fine); but my doc did tell me that due to post-mc depression i'm a candidate for the PPD, more than someone who hasn't suffered a loss+depression...
and since here they try it all before prescribing you meds (which is my approach as well, i have nothing against it if really needed, but i'm stubborn to try all the other approaches first), i got ORDERED to get a foot massage/foot reflexology treatment every day for the first three post partum weeks (!). and apparently they are covered by the insurance if prescribed as a PPD prevention treatment by a doctor.

so yeah. a foot massage is a ppd cure in switzerland, yay. i hope i won't need it but hey, can't complain about this suggestion!

 

[Starry Night]

Foot massages are awesome and true stress relievers. I make DH give them to me all the time. Even from a non-expert they feel great so I think you'll really enjoy one from one trained to massage feet. Meds are a very last resort for me too so I understand wanting to try other things first. Right now the potential side effects sound like they'd only add to my depression.

Good luck with your blood work.

Yesterday was a bit rough again with the colic but then I've been mixing in my regular formula in with the gentle stuff. I had already opened a tin of my regular formula and it's only good for a month so I really did not want to waste any of it. I thought if I put in one scoop of the regular powder with the gentle formula it wouldn't do any harm. I was wrong. What a fussy day! And when she is colicky, Hannah just wants to nibble and snack all day. She was taking an hour to eat only half of her usual bottle but then wanted to eat every 1 1/2 hours during the day and every 2 hours at night.

It had taken a few days of the gentle formula to make a difference (and it did in a BIG way) that I'm smacking myself for being cheap. I have a cupboard full of free formula samples and the gentle stuff looks like it's going to cost me nearly $50 a week. But Hannah does SO much better on it that we're stuck for the next little while at least. I'm hoping we can switch to the free samples in a few months when the colic and reflux are not so bad. The samples include a gentle formula as well but I don't want to switch back and forth especially when I'm using one that is already working so well. Seriously, once it had kicked in, I could NOT believe the difference.

My son cried A LOT as a newborn too but his cries were quieter and he did well at night so that helped. Also, I knew his crying was from a lack of sleep because he'd only nap 5 minutes at a time but the few days he would nap he became the happiest, smiliest baby in the world. But I DID forget about the cry fests and didn't remember them until Hannah started her scream fests. So it couldn't have been THAT bad if I didn't even remember. I keep telling myself that whenever she gets hard to bear.

 

[Topanga053]

still waiting for my bloods to come back (although i have a feeling it is all just fine); but my doc did tell me that due to post-mc depression i'm a candidate for the PPD, more than someone who hasn't suffered a loss+depression...
and since here they try it all before prescribing you meds (which is my approach as well, i have nothing against it if really needed, but i'm stubborn to try all the other approaches first), i got ORDERED to get a foot massage/foot reflexology treatment every day for the first three post partum weeks (!). and apparently they are covered by the insurance if prescribed as a PPD prevention treatment by a doctor.

so yeah. a foot massage is a ppd cure in switzerland, yay. i hope i won't need it but hey, can't complain about this suggestion!

HAHAHAHAHAHA I live in the US and the idea of a foot massage being a covered expense (even once, let alone every day) is absolutely, unbelievably hilarious. Frankly, I'm just lucky because I HAVE insurance. That doesn't cost more than mortgage every month. Or have a $5,000 deductible. Wow, seriously amazing how different things are.

Lol with that said, I obviously had awful depression post-loss as well (as we've discussed, I was even suicidal for awhile) and I did not find my PPD that bad. I had a touch of it for a week or two and there were some days that were pretty miserable, but it was nowhere near as bad as the post-loss depression and, while a little scary because I was worried about it spiraling out of control, but it stayed relatively mild and went away fairly quickly. So, there's hope!

It had taken a few days of the gentle formula to make a difference (and it did in a BIG way)

You're so lucky! We tried every formula under the sun with LO (really not much of an exaggeration.. I think we tried 7 formulas?) and NOTHING helped. We ended up settling on a gentle formula just because it seemed to make a tiny difference and, on the off chance that it was a stomach problem, we figured it was just nicer to her. But it really didn't matter for the colic. Do you think she has a milk allergy?

 

[Starry Night]

The thought that she's lactose intolerant has crossed my mind. Right now I'm still hoping it's simply bit of a sensitive tummy and she'll grow out of it. IBS is bit a problem in my dad's side of the family.

I'm also thinking she's just bit of a fussier baby. There are times she's crying and as soon as I pick her up she is all smiles. Like this morning. She also likes to be kept well fed and she definitely eats at the upper limits of the guidelines chart my public health nurse gave me.

Just trying to establish somewhat of a routine with her but know it will be a few more months until that really happens. I feel like we're still in the experimental phase.

 

[Topanga053]

I've been so indecisive lately! I'm currently in a hotel away on business (not sure when I'll be back, but hopefully tomorrow). Part of me is loving it (a hotel! A pool! A clean room! Alone time! No chores!), but the other part of me really, really misses DH and LO and wishes I could be home with them.

Also, CD 35 and still no AF. It's my first natural cycle post-partum, so I didn't know what to expect, but this is longer than normal by several days. I just took another test and BFN. I've had 2-3 days of random spotting/cramping, but nothing else. I have no idea what's going on and I have such mixed feelings about the latest BFN. I just kept staring at it. Part of me really wanted it to be positive, but then another part of me thinks maybe it's just for the best, as caring for LO while we're both working full-time is expensive/stressful and somedays I definitely can't imagine a second one.

Really, I need to stop being so indecisive about EVERYTHING!!!!

 

[Left wonderin]

Topanga my first cycle pp was 34 days and I was Always a 28 day girl ! I didn't ov till cd 19 . So AF could show up any day now !

 

[skyesmom]

wow Topanga sounds like a great job mission there! but so hard when you actually want to share that comfort with OH and LO as well, despite the fact you're craving some "me time" too!

as for the BFN, i think it's totally normal to have mixed feelings, children are amazing but they also mean a lot of work, physical effort and time, so totally understandable. on top of all, getting a BFP on the first cycle post-partum when your body hasn't even rebooted once properly after giving birth can be a bit scary, like no break between two pregnancies sort of.

as for us - ovulating now, i can really tell, but OH is away on a trip this week so we'll miss out on this month. but considering we'll travel in a few weeks and then my GP and my OB/GYN are both away on holidays (august is such a dead month here).. i'm almost kinda happy we're skipping it.
i can kinda picture myself freaking out because of flying, not getting an early scan and the blood work the docs want me to have, because they're away, being anxious like hell during our holiday and spending those few days we'll have off work chasing docs and panicking around.

we travel a lot due to work and i already freaked out enough over the past months (anything from being really sad and disappointed for being apart during the fertile window, to panicking during the tww if my traveling, flying or carrying the suitcase might damage the baby, to feeling incredibly lonely if AF would be late while OH and i were apart)... that i kinda want a break from that. and just really go on a holiday.