On the road again graduates

[Starry Night]

skye - I understand wanting a break from all the "what ifs" that come with TTC. Sometimes a breather helps us gather strength for the next fight.

Topanga - I both love and loathe "me time" that is far away from the family. I've never done an overnight just myself though. I'm always either with the kids or DH. Except when I've been at the hospital. And that's not "me time". That is "poor/woe is me" time. I hope you were able to enjoy the lap of luxury even as you were missing your family.

Going from 1 to 2 is certainly an adjustment but it's slowly getting better as I get used to a new routine. DS still loves his little sister and is often rather smothering in his affection but you can tell he is a little jealous and sad about not getting as much attention as before. He simply takes it out on us rather than her...which is preferable, but still annoying! I am very happy and glad to have two though. They are my life and I feel like we're a complete family. Sometimes I try to picture us with a third but then I get very afraid. I'm not ready to be outnumbered.

 

[Left wonderin]

Lol starry I love the " outnumbered " thought !! They say the biggest adjustment is from one to two !!!!! Three is a doddle lol

 

[Topanga053]

Skye, I completely hear you on the anxiety of TTC while traveling. None of this is easy!!

Afm, CD42 and still nothing. DH asked last night if I had POAS recently, so I did this morning and BFN. I'm sure my body is just figuring out what to do now that it's not pregnant or on birth control, but this is crazy! Lol thankfully now it's just a passing entertainment. A year ago this would have been driving me CRAZY and probably making me cry. At least now it's just entertaining. Anyway, still really curious to see what's going to happen and when!!! I've had a few random days of spotting and a few days of cramping, but that's it.

How's everyone doing??

 

[Starry Night]

How long have your cycles been back? I think it's fairly typical for it to take a few cycles for things to get back to normal. After my last miscarriage I had one 50 day cycle before getting pregnant next time out and my other miscarriages had multiple short cycles (about 18 days) before getting pregnant. After my son I had a few long, irregular cycles before settling to 40 day cycles.

Actually, what is odd is that before I became pregnant with DS I almost NEVER had regular cycles of any kind. When TTC#1 I tracked my cycles to be anything between 26 and 43 days with no pattern whatsoever. Even after my other miscarriages I have always returned to 40 days to the day. I wonder what my new normal will be. No AF yet as of yet. But I just stopped my post partum bleeding a week ago.

afm - doing OK. Having more and more good days but I can't let my guard down because then I relapse. Really, my anxiety is much worse than my depression and it's hard not to get paranoid about everything. It's not hard to convince me my kids are dying or we will lose all our money and be begging in the street.

I'm not used to anxiety taking the front seat. I've always dealt with panic attacks and depression but depression had always been my biggest battle and my anxiety expressed itself more along the lines of feeling nauseous or worrying about being sick and was only very occasional. This INTENSE sense of paranoia is so new to me and I have yet to develop ways to cope.

 

[skyesmom]

Starry anxiety can be quite paralyzing so i totally get you for not letting your guard down just yet. dealing both with that+depression is an extreme task, plus two babies, you are really a trooper!!

by the way, have you ever tried hypnosis for that matter? i know it sounds a bit off the wall but i know people who have quit smoking in this way (and they swear by it all of them), and two of them claim they are way less anxious since.

no big news here, except that both OH and i can't wait to head off for some vacations this weekend!

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry you have just put words on how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks !! I'm normally a very optimistic positive individual! The type that would drive ya Barmy . But lately I've been fighting a feeling in the pit of my stomach that everything will fall apart and go wrong . I can't shake it ! Its not debilitating but a new feeling for me . And before whenever I've had it there has been an identifiable reason ie lost my job etc now there is no reason !! I'm putting it down to adjusting to being a mum . Before I only ever had to worry about me and now I've this huge responsibility for another little person so if things go wrong they go wrong for him too . Writing this its helping putting words on it this being a mum thing is full of surprises

 

[Topanga053]

I started birth control as soon as my post-partum bleeding stopped and was regular for a month or two on that. I stopped and a few weeks later had a period and now I'm 40 days out from that last period. So interesting to hear how your cycles changed... I'm sure my body is just figuring things out and will settle down eventually.

As far as the anxiety, I completely understand. A few months before our wedding, DH and I had a huge fight (after a series of fights we'd been having... long story) and I went home very upset. My parents told me to call off the wedding and break up with him. We ended up working everything out and my parents like DH again, but it was really traumatic for me and I spent the next year dealing with panic attacks and severe anxiety, terrified that DH and I weren't meant to be together and that we would eventually get a divorce. I ended up going to therapy for it and finally worked through the anxiety.

Anyway, DH and I have been really snippy at each other the past several weeks. We both have very stressful jobs and we're both in a period in our jobs where there's even more pressure than normal (DH is in sales and is being pressured into working even more hours and selling even more and is worried about job security and my job is highly political right now, so there's a lot of media attention and it's very contentious and uncomfortable right now). And of course we have a newborn at home and a new house that we're still trying to finish, so money is flying out the door left and right. We're not getting a lot of relaxed time together (we usually walk every night and cuddle a lot, and recently every night has been cleaning, taking care of the baby, and trying to get things taken care of around the house ASAP so contractors can come in and finish some projects), so we've been pretty short with each other as a result. We're working on it, but it's been difficult and our relationship just isn't quite where it normally is. And so that has brought back all of that anxiety from years ago. I find myself randomly having a panic attack that we're going to get divorced or that our marriage is also going to be like this now. Of course, it's silly and we're really making a conscious effort to be nicer, now that we've realized we've been snapping at each other. But I think it's going to take awhile for these anxiety attacks to go away again.

So, I hear you girls!! Starry, have you thought about therapy? Therapy was REALLY successful for my anxiety. I learned how to identify the anxiety-provoking thoughts earlier and earlier (it's amazing how long you unconsciously ruminate before the thoughts even become fully conscious!!!) and that eventually stopped the anxiety all together.

 

[Left wonderin]

Topanga your so right therapy is amazing .i trained a a psychotherapist and had to attend therapy for full 3 years . Its wonderful and I'm thinking I could do with a top up . Having a baby brings with it so many changes ! It would be good to talk through them

I hear yo about the busyness of life these days and how it all effects our relationships . Me and the oh are rarely in bed awake at the same time now !!! Which makes b'ding a challange we need to bring back romance lol...... Its all part of the journey and nobody tells you these bits ! I feel better having acknowledged I'm feeling anxious OUTLOUD with others it takes some of the power of it away

 

[Starry Night]

I wouldn't mind therapy but only if our health care would cover it. Money is still so very tight. DH has only just gotten his first paycheck from his new job and the company won't start benefits until after a year. I am really disappointed it will take that long. Where I used to work the wait was 3 months. But the boss said he had employees quitting as soon as they were able to take advantage of the benefits.

During the day I'm mostly OK but at night it's awful. I wouldn't mind meds, but once again, the cost is a real factor. I want to go for more walks but the mosquitos are so bad. And I do mean BAD that I feel trapped inside. DS already looks like he has the measles, he is so absolutely covered in bites and mosquito nets are not effective against that many. I feel like the circumstances are just piled up against me right now.

Topanga - I hope the stressors ease up soon. I remember my friends warning me that the first year after a baby is the hardest on a relationship and I found that to be really true for us after DS and now again after DD. Even as a SAHM it's tough to find that quality time as babies take up so much time and energy. I really feel for you guys in your situation.

After my son was born I would cry every time I heard a break up song on the radio--I was that convinced our marriage was headed for divorce. I kind of feel that way again. Hormones can do a lot. They stick around longer than they should, IMO.

 

[Topanga053]

I wouldn't mind therapy but only if our health care would cover it. Money is still so very tight. DH has only just gotten his first paycheck from his new job and the company won't start benefits until after a year. I am really disappointed it will take that long. Where I used to work the wait was 3 months. But the boss said he had employees quitting as soon as they were able to take advantage of the benefits.

During the day I'm mostly OK but at night it's awful. I wouldn't mind meds, but once again, the cost is a real factor. I want to go for more walks but the mosquitos are so bad. And I do mean BAD that I feel trapped inside. DS already looks like he has the measles, he is so absolutely covered in bites and mosquito nets are not effective against that many. I feel like the circumstances are just piled up against me right now.

Oh Starry, that's rough. That's really awful that his benefits take that long to kick in... completely unfair. Are there any other options where you're from? Any public assistance or sliding scale therapists nearby that would be more affordable?? I hope you've been feeling ok the last couple of days!!

Topanga - I hope the stressors ease up soon. I remember my friends warning me that the first year after a baby is the hardest on a relationship and I found that to be really true for us after DS and now again after DD. Even as a SAHM it's tough to find that quality time as babies take up so much time and energy. I really feel for you guys in your situation.

After my son was born I would cry every time I heard a break up song on the radio--I was that convinced our marriage was headed for divorce. I kind of feel that way again. Hormones can do a lot. They stick around longer than they should, IMO.

We're doing much, much better. Both of our jobs got better in the last week, so neither one of us has been as stressed and grumpy, which has been wonderful.

In other news, today is CD52 and no sign of AF, but I got another BFN this morning, so who knows what's going on. If AF doesn't show by about CD60, I'll probably call the doctor, just to see. I don't really know what she can do, but I also want to make sure that nothing is wrong.

We're still trying to sort out TTC#2. We both go back and forth constantly. Last night, we both thought LO was enough and we were leaning against #2. DH even said he was scared to think that I could be pregnant again and if I wasn't, that he wanted to start using protection again. Then this morning I got a BFN. I was kind of sad (and getting more sad as the morning goes on, honestly). I called DH and told him. He said that last night he was terrified that I would be pregnant again, but now that it's a negative, he's actually really sad that I'm not. So we just can't make up our minds! The original plan was to NTNP/TTC for ~6 months (maybe a little more) and then stop if nothing happened. We'll have to talk tonight to see if that's still the plan. We both change our minds daily, so I really don't know what we're going to do. I know it's early, but we're both such Type A planners that it really bothers us to not know what we want!

How's everyone else doing???

 

[RedWylder]

Doing super good here. Pipes is almost 4 months old and really hitting the fun yet fussy stage. She smiles and interacts a lot more but is also really cranky at certain times of the day.

Sorry about your BFN. Those are always hard to handle and come with so much history and bad feelings that it must be hard to handle. Sort of reminds you of the time when every blank test was a kick in the gut. On another note, I heard that your period can go and come after pregnancy and not be completely regular straight away especially if you're breastfeeding? Had your cycle come back to normal already?

 

[Topanga053]

So glad to hear things are going well with Piper, Red! I know exactly what you mean. Lauren is SO interactive now, but there are times (7:45am and 7:30pm) that I KNOW she's going to be fussy! In her case, it's usually just because she's tired. How big is Piper now??

No, my cycle hadn't come back to normal yet. I started taking birth control right around the time my post-partum bleeding stopped. My cycle was normal for the 1-2 months I was on birth control and then I stopped the pills mid-cycle (~52 days ago) and nothing since. I've heard the same thing that irregular/anovulatory cycles can be common after birth. Part of the problem is that DH and I have been... *ahem* NTNP continuously, so even if I didn't ovulate last month, but I ovulated recently or will ovulate soon, I won't know what's going on until AF or a BFP shows up. It's not a big deal (and it's been nice to not bleed!), but it is getting a little bit old now. I never thought I'd say that I was ready for AF to show!

 

[Starry Night]

I'm doing better over here. A lot more good days but still keeping watch for triggers. I had a huge relapse last week which scared me but then AF started and I felt better again. I guess it was just severe PMS. Though this first AF is being really weird. It's been MUCH lighter than usual and very spotty. It starts and stops at random. I feel gross and bloated like I normally do on my period so I think it's real AF and not more post partum bleeding. Today should be the last day going by my usual 7 day flows but I've often had 10 day periods after my miscarriages so we'll see what happens.

Hannah has started to form a horrible habit of snacking. She's on the bottle so that shouldn't be happening as much. She routinely clusterfed in the evenings and I was OK with that but the past few days it's been getting worse and worse. She now wants to take 1 ounce every hour--and even then it takes her half an hour to take that ounce. I'm know I'm supposed to feed on demand but I can't revolve my life around feeding her. Not with a toddler who needs attention too and a house to care for. So today I'm cracking down and playing "mean mummy". I'm making her wait the full 2 to 2 1/2 hours for her next bottle. I've also switched to a faster flow of nipple to see if that helps. She is doing better at nights for the most part. Enough for me to feel sane at least.

And she can at least cope with CIO. It only takes her about 10ish minutes to self-soothe even from a tantrum. We could never have gotten away with that with DS. We tried once or twice and he would scream the house down for hours even after we picked him up again. But she also screams more readily so it starts to feel like "crying wolf" after awhile. DS only cried when he was really upset about something.

Topanga - it can be confusing to decide whether or not to continue TTC. DH and I had decided entering this pregnancy that this would be our last attempt whatever happened. Now that Hannah is here I feel somewhat confused too though still standing firm on my decision (for now!). I'm sorry you're feeling sad about the bfn. I don't know if that's a 'sign' you should pursue TTC#2 or not but seems to indicate enough of a desire to at least keep up with NTNP for now.

And it might be worth seeing a doctor why there hasn't been any sign of AF yet if it doesn't show in the next week or so. Everyone is different but I would find it frustrating if it took half a year for my cycles to return to normal.

Red - I'm glad that things are going well with Piper. I think the crankiness at certain times of the day kind of sticks around for awhile but it does become less pronounced. They do outgrow it eventually. Each child is different.

 

[skyesmom]

Hey lovely ladies!

so nice to read your updates! and so nice to see how both Topanga and Starry are heading on less bumpy roads now in terms of stress so nice to read the good news updates!

and Red - can't believe Piper is already 4 months old! where did the time goooooo?????

afm - OH and i are still on vacation this week and decided to go "offline" the last week too so soooooooo nice ))) just logged in briefly to check on my emails and saw there were posts here - so i had a little evening drink with you girls

and OH and i SO needed this break just for us, far from work and other people as well (no bad feelings for our friends or family, just you know, we needed some US time and we managed even to forget about the NTNP!!! unbelievable!!)... it's been a real godsend!! even just the superlazy long mornings in bed where no one wants to get up even to have breakfast. after hectic overworked days, traveling apart, missing ovulation days for that and getting paranoid about NTNP... aaaahhh. these moments are priceless.

lots of love to all of you ladies!!! and to your little rainbows too!!!

 

[Left wonderin]

Sounds wonderful Skye those times are so wonderful

 

[RedWylder]

That does sound wonderful skye. I hope you are enjoying your summer. That's how I got preggo...just stopped and enjoyed the moment.

 

[RedWylder]

It's quiet on here which is fine. But I do hope that Skye and Cari will update when their magical news finally comes. Fairy dust your way ladies!

 

[skyesmom]

of course i will!!!! you ladies will be among the first ones to know!!
no big news or surprises from our holiday love days, but it's ok!

btw, it looks like OH is going to get a little promotion in autumn which ain't too bad considering our plans maybe our angel decides to drop down from the cloud once that is done

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi red , Skye all yup it is quiet on here . How is everyone doing . How are your red ? How is motherhood treating you ? Would love a recent pic

 

[Starry Night]

skye - it's definitely important to have a little vacation just for you. DH and I spend most of our vacation days and resources to go see relatives and sometimes I just get sick of them. LOL I am desperate for a getaway that is just for us. I've been trying to look up things to do on a budget but it's tough with two little ones especially as DD is still too little for camping (next summer will be different though) and there aren't any touristy destinations where I live. The Canadian prairies are boring!!!! The only thing to do is either camping or renting a cabin. Neither are really going to work for us this year. Oh well. Last summer, after my last m/c, dh and I did the 8 hour drive to Mall of America just the two of us. That was just wonderful. This summer my parents went to the west coast to see my cousin get married and my mom was telling me about their trip to Whistler (a ski resort town in the Rockies) and I was just so jealous.

Other than that, doing OK. My PPD comes in waves but overall feels more manageable. DD is starting to STTN and is napping better than DS did at this point and it is really helping with her crying. She smiles and plays a lot more now. On my bad days I have a hard time connecting with her or feeling any interest in her. It's a bit rough especially as I don't ever have those feelings about my son. Blah. And I finally got put on iron pills and had my iron levels rechecked. They're almost at normal now. It's so nice that I stumbled across this doctor at my local clinic who has been taking an active interest in me and following up with me. The public health nurse has been doing the same. Having support for my PPD really makes all the difference, I think.