On the road again graduates

[skyesmom]

awww Starry so sweet to hear your DD is doing better now, and sleeps and smiles more!! sounds like you're getting out of the worst post-birth tunnel!

and don't beat yourself up if you can't connect to your DD on some days. that's the "joy" of the PPD, actually the most common one. It probably strikes you more with two LOs to take care of rather than only one, plus your son was your first rainbow so maybe that's why it's getting you more than the last time.

we're back to work here but it all feels a bit more relaxed

taking vacations as a free lancer is almost impossible - it gives you a lot of flexibility BUT nobody pays you for that so... it's kinda hard to leave your computer away and detach from it. you really have to kind of draw a line of: i'm out of office until... as people are kind of used to you being available 24/7 at any cost. ahhh well!!!

so far so good

how are all of you girls doing? Topanga, Rayray, Carey..?

 

[Topanga053]

Skye, so glad to hear your vacation went well and you're more relaxed now!!

Starry, I can relate. I had a hard time bonding with LO at first. I remember carrying her up in the hospital just hours after she was born and just wanting to throw her down, i was so tired and sore. It's an awful feeling. I finally admitted that to DH for the first time a few days ago. It's tough coping with apathy or negative feelings toward your kids.

Afm, things are going well. AF came a week ago, which was nice to finally know what was going on. LO has a fever since yesterday. Poor thing. It's so heartbreaking and scary to see her so uncomfortable.

Otherwise, just same old, same old here!

How's everyone else??

 

[Starry Night]

Aw, I hope your LO feels better soon. I remember the first time DS became sick with a high fever. I had to call my mom and have a good cry. I so wished I could have traded places with him. I stayed up the whole night and watched him sleep.

I'm glad you know what's going on with your body now and I hope things regulate soon.

afm - other than it being so sticky and hot out we're all good. We have a window-box air conditioner but it really only cools the living room and sometimes the kitchen. The bedrooms are like saunas right now and I have the ceiling and room fans going all day and night. Even our basement is hot and sticky. It's not normally like that here--at least, not for this long.

 

[RedWylder]

Hi red , Skye all yup it is quiet on here . How is everyone doing . How are your red ? How is motherhood treating you ? Would love a recent pic

It's all going really well. It's not easy by any means and I miss my old life often but then I look at Piper and she grins at me and all is right in the world. Here's a new one of Pipes.

 

[skyesmom]

being overwhelmed by the broodiness and craving for the baby today :/

i just don't know what's up with me, but i literally woke up today and the first thought in my mind was "i want a baby". i actually had to bite my tongue real hard not to say it out loud in order not to freak the OH out!

and the longing for my angels then hit in full power. also it didn't help that MIL called and told OH the SIL and her OH are now trying... she didn't mean anything bad and definitely didn't mean to step on our wounds, if she didn't mention it, the SIL would have (MIL wasn't pushy and that wasn't the main reason of her call, she said it just as a side thing but still i think it has triggered me a bit).

oh well. i'll be all right.

 

[Starry Night]

Grief is a cyclical process. It doesn't tie up neatly in the end like some would imagine. You have good days and think you're moving forward and then something can trigger it and bring the emotions flooding back. And it's natural to be overwhelmed by our desires for a baby. As you said, the feelings do pass in time.

I hope you get your rainbow soon.

Red - I don't think the attachment worked but I'm sure Piper is growing to be quite the pretty lady. And I think it's normal to miss aspects of our lives before having kids. Whenever I feel that way I have to remind myself it won't be long before my kids will be "too cool" for me and eventually move away and I'll miss the days of their dependence on me. But can I please take a shower, a cup of hot coffee and have a day off from diaper duty??

afm - here is my little Hannah

 

[Left wonderin]

Awh starry she has gotten so big and even cuter simply she is beautiful and well worth the wait

Skye your feelings , all of them are 100% natural . I would be worried if you didn't have days like that . This journey to motherhood ain't easy sometimes I like starry really really hope your rainbow is not far away xxxxxxxx you will make a great mum x

Red yup there are days or moments when you think mmmmm I'd kinda like the freedom to do that lol... Like last weekend my sister heading out on the town , was a bit green !! But wouldn't change a thing

 

[RedWylder]

woops here it is. https://i466.photobucket.com/albums/rr25/lbkaiser/DSC_0015_zpsa8b3dbcc.jpg

 

[Left wonderin]

What an absolute dote

 

[Topanga053]

Aww so cute, everyone! And since we're sharing photos, here's a new one of Lauren, just a few days after turning 6 months!

https://i927.photobucket.com/albums/ad119/darcyamitchell/86D24802-95E0-412C-9B05-B32540EC43D4_zpsb8bzd70k.jpg

 

[Topanga053]

Skye, I just read up a few more posts. I am so sorry you're having a difficult time today. This journey is so heartbreaking and like Starry said, small things can bring it all back. Where are you guys now in terms of TTC? You're in my thoughts a lot.

 

[Starry Night]

Aw, such precious little ladies. Piper and Lauren are just beautiful!

 

[skyesmom]

omg girls your little girls are amazing and they have all gotten so big! Hannah and Pipes and Lauren so sweet!

i can't believe Pipes & Lauren are already 4 and 6 months old!

afm, feeling better today. it's been just very hard hearing that there may be another baby in the family before our comes. our angel would have been the first on both sides.
i know this is stupid and silly to long for and kind of a selfish thing to think, but sometimes i can't help it. It's not that i think "i hope they don't conceive before us" - the last thing we need in our family are more losses and painful waitings and all that.
the thought is "if our angel baby were alive, they would have been the first born in the family and gotten all the extra attentions the very very first borns get."

i know it's a stupid additional thing to long for but when these moments come, they hit with full power so...

...we're not TTCing in terms of temping and stuff, we do check when my ovulation should be but we're not timing the intercourses as we both find it extremely damaging for our relationship, our sex life and us personally. I'm not temping as i'd get obsessed over it. it really helped us to step away from it.

OH shifts between being very very warm about having a baby to going again to the cold feet phase and back to the warmth again... me, well i'm constant. there are days when i am absolutely overloaded with work and think how will i ever manage it with the baby, or just think it wouldn't be possible like this if i had a baby right now, but then i also know i am working WAY too much and that taking more time for other things is actually healthy and needed.
and even with this kind of workload, the wish is still there.

oh well. but thanks so much for listening to my rants, i really really needed to vent and this is the place i feel most comfortable with. sure, i have friends in real life to whom to talk to but none of them had losses and my closest two don't even want children at all so... they do understand as much as they can. i always tell them: It's like when you are really really hungry, and both your body and your mind have only one wish that takes over and it's food. and having to wait for it is like telling to a starving man that he'll eat in the next few months.

...so thank you ladies, you have been SUCH an incredible support over these months!!

 

[Left wonderin]

Oh Skye that's so tough ! And a great comparison with the starving man . That says it all . Its an overwhelming feeling sometimes I remember after my loss having to work really hard somedays to stop it from taking over . For me throwing everything at ttc was how I got through it . It was tough and took alot of spontaneity out of our relationship but its what I needed to do . Oh got a little overwhelmed by it but let me get on with it . He didn't have a choice ! Lol...
Its great that you know what works for you and hubby , its also great that most of the time your on the same page

It also used to help me getting together with friends who didn't have children and having FUN , forgetting all about ttc and anything baby related even for a few hours . It reminded me that there is a whole wor ld out there outside of babies and ttc .

Its so hard Hun I hope with all my heart that your special rainbow is not far away . Sorry if you have said already have you had any testing done ?

 

[Starry Night]

Skye - I'm with Left, the starving man comparison is so apt. It just sort of takes over and even when you do your best to ignore that desire and need, it is still gnawing away at the back of your mind. I never temped either for the same reason: I knew I would become obsessed. And opks were just too costly for me to even bother.

And I understand wanting to be first. I had no chance at having the first grandchild (both my brother and BiL had kids before DH and I even became an item) but with last loss I was due to have a Christmas baby and then after I lost him I found out my brother and his wife were expecting a baby shortly after Christmas too. I would have loved to have my child be older and come first. Now, once again, my child would be younger (I also miscarried the last time my SiL was pregnant...fun times). Last year I twice announced pregnancies before she did but with my rainbow coming after her I felt like a "tag-a-along". It's so petty and silly and illogical but that's just how I felt. And I often wonder if she felt like I stole her thunder by having a pregnancy work out for once so everyone was so happy for me that they didn't give her as much attention. She never said anything about it though.

 

[skyesmom]

ghhhhhh OH is getting the cold feet again.

and i really really can't take it. on one hand, i understand it's been a lot we've been through and that he's tired and maybe even wants to get some stuff finished career-wise now (wasn't an option before but now the occasion is there and since we still don't have a baby on the way, he thinks why the heck not and i can't really blame him).

on one hand, i'd love to be supportive and understanding, i get the pressure takes its toll on people, and i also feel his urge to accomplish something work-wise, so at least he gets THAT satisfaction as there's no LO here yet, but...

...on the other hand it's killing me. every time we talk of postponing it again, i feel like am re-losing my angel again. like i have to say goodbye to the whole idea of motherhood again. i've been there already and it has taken a lot of emotional strength to open up to the idea and the hope again that one day i might have my baby.
saying goodbye to it would mean building that wall around me again and not wanting to get out to get hurt once more.

i am also afraid i'll become resentful to the OH and that it will damage our relationship. i also feel selfish for not being supportive of his new career goals. sure, it would do us good financially but i couldn't care less about that extra money now. sure, it would be great to have it when the baby is there. but it is his career not mine.

but i really feel as if as soon as i get anyhow close to this dream come true and to the arrival of my rainbow here, it just slips away just for those few damn steps so that i can still see it and smell it but i won't reach it.

what i also find damaging that also when we weren't NTNP, we weren't using contraception for the full length of my cycle, but only during ovulation week. for those months i always wondered what if, and secretly hoped for a miracle and wondered could i maybe, just maybe be pregnant.

i think i wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of semi-deal now. decide not to try for a while but still leave an option for it to happen by accident. i don't want my rainbow to be an accident.

does this sound selfish? it's just a bit too much to bear for me at the moment. i'd go nuts thinking what if and have we maybe conceived by accident just to lose hope every cycle that passes. and i'd be as well angry and pissed if i did get pregnant like this after all this time and waiting and longing and losses and pain.

sorry for the rant ladies but i really need to get it out somewhere.

 

[Left wonderin]

Skye does oh know how you really feel . I think its really difficult for men to understand how we feel about ttc , that it is a physical urge and not something that you can switch off or " make go away " its a biological thing ! My oh is not too on a second baby and would be quite content with one . I had to try explain to him its a pysical need ! He smokes and has tried to give up umpteen times but failed . I tried to explain to wa slide someone telling him he could never smoke again that physical yearning !

When ntnp can I ask why you used condoms the week it was most likley to happen ? That to me is preventing ( I'm sorry if im being rude or too prying ) sounds to me like its time for a big heart to heart . You are being very understanding of your oh wishes and feelings , his needs in terms of carear , does he know just how important ttc is for you or have you dampened down your feelings to him to accommodate his needs and wants right now ? I only ask this as it is what I do sometimes , oh come s first but sometimes I end up resenting him for it when it was my decision . Example oh didn't want to go to wedding as sporting event on , I was understanding said ok and then ended up taking it out on him only for him to say well if you had told me you really wanted to go I would !

Maybe you have had an honest conversation with oh but if you haven't I really think you would benifit from it , even if it allows your oh to make decisions based on all the information. Its so important to have " the conversation " . Xxxxxxx

 

[Left wonderin]

Don't forget your dreams are equally important has your oh xxxxx

 

[skyesmom]

Left, thank you so much for your understanding and your post. yes, you are right, my wishes are as important as his.

he doesn't get the whole biological urge thing, it's a remote thing to him and doens't smoke or ever smoked so the only thing i can compare it to is when he's really really hungry and no food around.

we were using condoms during the ovulation before we decided to NTNP actively, which was in february this year. we were initially obliged to wait after our loss for 3 months and then we used only protection, those few times we ever dtd, they were absolutely the hardest, mentally, emotionally, physically.

then we both decided to wait until we healed a bit, i was severely depressed for a while and despite wanting a baby so badly, i didn't want to conceive and get pregnant in that state.
so come autumn 2013 and then we agreed on NTNPing from 2014 and on.

i consciously postponed the NTNP/ttc thing until i felt better myself, and my therapist agreed it was the best thing to do for me and for my future rainbow - less risk of PPD and also less risk of being an overly panicky doting overwhelming obsessive mom (my own inner knowing).
yet it was the toughest thing to do, i longed for my lost angel and having him back every day of that year. but i needed my time to grieve and i took it. OH as well.

but now it's not a matter of old grief, now it's more like... laziness. i don't know. i'll sit him over the next few days and we'll have the talk.

i don't really think he understands my feelings but on the other hand, i don't want to "beg" for a baby or to push him in the fatherhood. i want our baby to be made because we both want them from our whole hearts. otherwise it's really no joy for me.

 

[Topanga053]

ghhhhhh OH is getting the cold feet again.

and i really really can't take it. on one hand, i understand it's been a lot we've been through and that he's tired and maybe even wants to get some stuff finished career-wise now (wasn't an option before but now the occasion is there and since we still don't have a baby on the way, he thinks why the heck not and i can't really blame him).

on one hand, i'd love to be supportive and understanding, i get the pressure takes its toll on people, and i also feel his urge to accomplish something work-wise, so at least he gets THAT satisfaction as there's no LO here yet, but...

...on the other hand it's killing me. every time we talk of postponing it again, i feel like am re-losing my angel again. like i have to say goodbye to the whole idea of motherhood again. i've been there already and it has taken a lot of emotional strength to open up to the idea and the hope again that one day i might have my baby.
saying goodbye to it would mean building that wall around me again and not wanting to get out to get hurt once more.

i am also afraid i'll become resentful to the OH and that it will damage our relationship. i also feel selfish for not being supportive of his new career goals. sure, it would do us good financially but i couldn't care less about that extra money now. sure, it would be great to have it when the baby is there. but it is his career not mine.

but i really feel as if as soon as i get anyhow close to this dream come true and to the arrival of my rainbow here, it just slips away just for those few damn steps so that i can still see it and smell it but i won't reach it.

what i also find damaging that also when we weren't NTNP, we weren't using contraception for the full length of my cycle, but only during ovulation week. for those months i always wondered what if, and secretly hoped for a miracle and wondered could i maybe, just maybe be pregnant.

i think i wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of semi-deal now. decide not to try for a while but still leave an option for it to happen by accident. i don't want my rainbow to be an accident.

does this sound selfish? it's just a bit too much to bear for me at the moment. i'd go nuts thinking what if and have we maybe conceived by accident just to lose hope every cycle that passes. and i'd be as well angry and pissed if i did get pregnant like this after all this time and waiting and longing and losses and pain.

sorry for the rant ladies but i really need to get it out somewhere.

What does he want to do career wise that he thinks he can't do when there's a baby here? I only ask because I know it can be difficult to juggle everything, but OH and I both have pretty demanding careers. As an example, it's not the norm, but I've worked 10-11 hour days (which means I'm gone from the house for 12-13 hours, since I have a 1.5-2 hour total commute each day) every day this week and will have to do that next week as well. It's meant that OH has to be home on time and has to take care of LO and put her to bed himself since I'm not home until after she's already asleep. Similarly, OH has plenty of days where he has to leave early/come home late and I have to care for LO. It's not always ideal, but you make it work.

And no, I don't think it's selfish of you at all. You want what you want and you're perfectly entitled to that!

i don't really think he understands my feelings but on the other hand, i don't want to "beg" for a baby or to push him in the fatherhood. i want our baby to be made because we both want them from our whole hearts. otherwise it's really no joy for me.

I can relate to this, since DH was often very lukewarm about the idea of having a baby. He got cold feet a lot and really only continued TTC because I would pretty much FREAK. THE. HELL. OUT. if he even mentioned stopping. It bothered me a little bit that I was "forcing" him to have a baby, but I needed a baby like the air I breathed and I truly thought he would like it once she was here. Part of me thought it took the romance/joy out of the experience, but I pushed anyway.

Now? I'm so glad I did. DH ADORES her. Just this morning, she was on her belly, trying to crawl (she kicks out her arms and legs, but can't move yet... so cute) and DH got on his hands and knees, and crawled around her, going, "Lauren, look at Daddy! This is how you do it! You can do it!" And this was the man two years ago who said he absolutely never wanted to have kids.

My point is, sometimes men just can't envision it. The idea of that extra responsibility and expense and work is scary/tiring, but once that baby is here, they fall in love. Hard. You might not get OH to want it with all of his heart now, but he might come to feel that way once your angel is here. And that might not be ideal, but in the end, that's all that matters.