On the road again graduates

[Starry Night]

Skye - I'm with the other ladies. Your dreams and desires matter too. I don't think you'll find very many men who are 100% on board with the TTC train. Most men I know mainly went into it for the sake of their partners. Yet they are the most loving, doting fathers now that their children are here. I had to strong-arm my own DH into TTC and he had always claimed he wanted to have kids some day. But when it came down to it, he started pulling out the excuses of money, career, not the "time" yet, bla bla. I had to point out that kids are expensive--no way around it--and if we waited until we were rich enough, we'd NEVER have kids. There is no perfect time to have them. You work with what you have. We're not rich but we have a roof over our heads, enough to eat and clothes on our backs. I consider my family life very happy and our kids seem very happy. They know they're loved.

And, to put it bluntly, kids are not something you can put off forever. Biology dictates we need to have them by a certain time. And if there is fear that TTC might be a struggle then it doesn't make sense to put it off indefinitely.

I think some fear is a sign of being a GOOD parent. It means neither he or yourself will be taking the job lightly.

 

[Left wonderin]

I 100% agree with Topanga , its just not the same at all for men . The responsibility and finality of it scares them but once the baby is here they fall hopelessly in love . I find men need a shove in the right direction for alot of things !!!! But once they get there they make like it was their idea ! If you wait for him to want it as much as you do , you might be waiting FOREVER . He will never feel like you do , he can't , he is a man .

Be kind to yourself and tell oh EXACTLY how you feel and how much you want to fully try . You have a right to feel how you do and maybe you need to take a leaf out of Topanga s book and FREAK every now and again lol.....

Me this time I used tears ( they were real ) I'm still waiting for my answer but I know it will be yes

 

[skyesmom]

I can relate to this, since DH was often very lukewarm about the idea of having a baby. He got cold feet a lot and really only continued TTC because I would pretty much FREAK. THE. HELL. OUT. if he even mentioned stopping. It bothered me a little bit that I was "forcing" him to have a baby, but I needed a baby like the air I breathed and I truly thought he would like it once she was here. Part of me thought it took the romance/joy out of the experience, but I pushed anyway.

Now? I'm so glad I did. DH ADORES her. Just this morning, she was on her belly, trying to crawl (she kicks out her arms and legs, but can't move yet... so cute) and DH got on his hands and knees, and crawled around her, going, "Lauren, look at Daddy! This is how you do it! You can do it!" And this was the man two years ago who said he absolutely never wanted to have kids.

My point is, sometimes men just can't envision it. The idea of that extra responsibility and expense and work is scary/tiring, but once that baby is here, they fall in love. Hard. You might not get OH to want it with all of his heart now, but he might come to feel that way once your angel is here. And that might not be ideal, but in the end, that's all that matters.

Topanga, THANK YOU so much for these words. It really helped ease my mind and put things into perspective.

and THANK you Left & Starry for reminding me my wishes count as well.

we talked yesterday and it helped so much. the career thing would require him to travel away for some months and his employers really left a broad window and no time frame when they spoke about it (like, we need you here and there from two to six months some time in 2015. yeah right! and he just said it to me like that as well, as if it were totally ok for him, which really pissed me off.)

i told him i can't really deal with this sort of an impact on our relationship, and also without ANY time frame. sometimes in 2015 can as well mean a year from now and being absent for six months doesn't go with a pregnancy or newborn plans. 2 months fair enough, but half a year...

...and he agreed, it was actually a bit of a misunderstanding as he just got an offer and just said it very superficially to me, he said he still has to talk to them and will push them for a concrete time plan and time frame of it all, and remind them of our family planning situation as well. this changes the things so so much.

what really pissed me off was his attitude when he said it, it came through to me as if he was totally OK with this kind of "open" time frame which could easily impact a year and a half of our lives just like that; it looked like he was ready to just play it by ear as his employers say, and that i and our relationship would just need to tag along.

but it isn't so. he also doesn't want this kind of arrangement, turns out he just said it very very superficially and didn't get how it made me feel. i in turn didn't say much then as i was literally shocked by his apparent nonchalance.

so all good - and it was good that we talked clearly on the baby thing. he doesn't crave it the way i do, but he wants to be a father and this is great.

 

[skyesmom]

You have a right to feel how you do and maybe you need to take a leaf out of Topanga s book and FREAK every now and again lol.....

haha Left i LMAO when i read this )))))

i'm having hard times realizing that it's a men's thing and that most men need to be strong-armed into it.
maybe because most of my exes wanted kids, two of them were strong-arming me (but i was way too young then, 22-23 so it was not in my furthest plans by then, i was still doing my post-grads and was TOTALLY freaked out) and the one i've lost my first angel with... well i am sure he must have been a girl in his past life. he was so much into babies, worse then the broody me. not the best partner in the world though, and the relationship turned into hell after the mc.

so not that i regret or anyhow miss any of my exes, it is just that i was used to something different and the OH was the first guy i had a serious relationship with who could have lived the life without kids as well.

(plus this all came as BIL & SIL announced they are trying now, and are all hype & excited about it... and i am happy for them but in this circumstance it made me feel so so alone).

ahh well, all way better now after the talk anyway. and thanks for reminding me men sometimes need some stronger guidance.

 

[Left wonderin]

Somethimes ??????? ALL THE TIME lol...... Im so glad you fell better about the situation I hated you being so sad xxxxxx remember we are all always here for you xxxxx

 

[skyesmom]

thanks Left! honestly, you girls here are my rock!

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi all well think its on to September for me ! Tested 11dpo and bfn ! Tbh I would have been completely SHOCKED if it was anything else !!! Got results of my smear back at last .. All clear so we are good to go

 

[Starry Night]

Skye - I'm glad you cleared up the misunderstandings with your OH.

Left - good luck with your next cycle. Hope you get that little sibling for your DS!

When I was waiting to start TTC#1 there were times I felt kind of bitter about the invention of the pill. It was supposed to be liberation for women but it suddenly felt like one more way for men to control our uteruses. They know there is a way to prevent pregnancies and it's not really good for the relationship to sneakily throw away your pills. I still remember my DH telling me I was "allowed" to get pregnant 2 times. Oh man, we had no idea what was waiting for us around the corner. I did eventually get him to agree to the third child I initially wanted because he finally realized how important it was to me. He's so relieved that I now want two but I honestly haven't 100% made up my mind. Only about 98% sure I'm done. lol That 2% makes him nervous but at least half of that 2% is hormonal broodiness. I would be very scared to see a bfp at this point.

 

[skyesmom]

oh Starry you put that so nicely. Another way to control our uteruses. Because it does feel like an extra slavery, just because it is an OPTION available for us so you kinda feel obliged to. and then it's also your responsibility if it fails. and it is also only our bodies that get affected. and the worst is when you have to take it against your strongest wishes, desires, urges, and dreams.

i was on the pill for a while when i was younger but it didn't do well to my body especially in the long run, too many crappy and demanding side effects, and OH knows it so..... relieved i don't have to think of other excuses not to take it!!!!

 

[Starry Night]

I had bad side effects from the pill too. That's why we're using condoms for now. After a year if we still feel like we're done then DH is getting a vasectomy.

 

[RedWylder]

Left! I didn't know you were officially trying. I remember discussing this awhile back but maybe I missed that you made it official. I'm so shocked. I can't even begin to think about wanting another baby. I still haven't recovered from this one. I know I will eventually but I only want Piper in my life.

 

[skyesmom]

oh LEFT!!!! congrats on your back to the TTC train!!! that's very very brave of you i agree!!! happy to hear all is clear from your doc, now let's see... maybe we'll have more than one rainbow on this thread again lol!

 

[Left wonderin]

I kinda shudder myself when I think of it lol..... But I definetly want a sibling for Sean if at all possible and time is not on my side unfortunately so I don't have a choice but to get going again lol.........

I know somethimes I think I need my head examined !

 

[Topanga053]

Left- so glad to hear that everything came out ok and you have the go ahead!!

I'm not charting or using OPKs, but if my cycle is still the same as before LO, then yesterday was O. We've DTD a couple of times, so we'll see what happens. No pressure either way, so that's nice.

Starry- we're the same. We've talked very seriously that if we decide we don't want #2 or it doesn't happen for awhile, then DH will probably get a vasectomy. We don't want to make any rash decisions though (and we're still kind of NTNP/TTC now), so it's just something that's on the back of our minds. I'm sure one way we'll probably do it. SOOOOO much easier than taking birth control for the next 20 years!!! I just don't think taking hormones for that long is good for your body. (Just my opinion.)

 

[skyesmom]

i second topanga on the long term hormonal birth control, especially hormonal ones. unless is strictly necessary i'd avoid it at all costs!

and if i'm not wrong, vasectomy is somewhat reversible isn't it?

 

[Starry Night]

I do think they're reversible but I think it may affect fertility. Not sure about though. I know tube reversals do but that is way too intrusive so I'm not doing that. In Canada, I believe our universal health care will cover the vasectomy but to reverse it you have to pay for it yourself as it's not a need. A friend told me she knew someone who got it and it cost about $10 000. Yikes.

Topanga - I agree about the long-term effects of hormone birth control. I was on it for about a year and I felt terrible. Some people use it just fine but it's just not for me. Coming "down" off the drug was actually the worst part for me. It triggered my anxiety and made my PMS signs truly horrible for a few months.

Red - that's how I felt for awhile after DS. It was actually my DH who talked me into TTC#2 and even when I was pregnant the first time after him I was scared I wouldn't love the second baby as much. It's amazing that the love does come and you do love them the same. But for now just enjoy your time alone with Piper. No one says you have to have another baby anytime soon (or ever). Everyone has different ideas about what the ideal age gap is.

afm - PPD is such a roller-coaster ride. It's been miserable again with many tears and explosive outbursts (not at the kids, thankfully) and sulking. I'm counting down the days to my next doctor's visit. I'm starting to seriously consider the medication route now even though it scares me a little with the side effects. I just feel a little desperate. Though I don't really want to be on them long-term so I don't know what my options would be for that.

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry my sister had ppd quite badly , she was really reluctant to go on medication at first but after getting to the point of talking about how she could understand why people when they killed themselves took their children with then as life was just so hard and it would save them suffering she got scared and went to the GP. She was on medication for 6 months and was transformed after about 4-6 weeks she had her life back . She also did some therapy for a couple of months . I can't remember her having any major side effects , she did feel nauceous for a few weeks but that settled down.

 

[Left wonderin]

As for ttc I'm very relaxed about it , as much as I would really love another I am of the view if it happens it happens if it is not ment to be well so be it . I will be forever thankful for being given the joy of motherhood and pregnancy . It is not something I will ever take for granted . And if I only ever have Sean it will be more than I ever dreamed of x

 

[Starry Night]

I could handle 6 months. I just don't want to be on them for years. Thanks for that. Needed to hear a positive story.

 

[Topanga053]

As for ttc I'm very relaxed about it , as much as I would really love another I am of the view if it happens it happens if it is not ment to be well so be it . I will be forever thankful for being given the joy of motherhood and pregnancy . It is not something I will ever take for granted . And if I only ever have Sean it will be more than I ever dreamed of x

Yes!! this is exactly how we feel too, Left. We're so grateful to have Lauren and she completes our lives so much that if we don't have another, we can accept that. We're doing the same thing. We figured we'd NTNP/TTC and see where life takes us. If nothing happens, then it's just LO and we're so happy with that. And if we end up being blessed with another one, then we'll be happy with that too! It's really liberating to not be too invested in the outcome! I hope can maintain this calmness!