Opinions Please

[WackyMumof2]

I don't really know where to put this but here seems as good a place as any. All advice, good, bad or just unsure is greatly appreciated. I take constructive criticism pretty well.

The kids and their father are back at home. We still aren't together as I'm still sorting my own issues but I have seriously thought about a 5th child in a few years and would like to go ahead with the father of my 4 children. I just don't feel 'done'. I didn't ever want anymore than 4 but when we found out #4 was a boy, he just asked if I would ever consider one more baby and I never flat out said no. I've spoken to him about it and although he said we aren't together and we may never be again, if I'm going to have a 5th and last I want it to be with him. I know if I had a baby in a new relationship he'd be happy for me but he's always wanted a daughter and I don't want to feel like a slap in the face if that's what baby would be if I were with someone else. And, for me, while mixed families work really well for the majority of people, it's not for me even though I grew up in one. I've told him together or not, if I'm having a 5th I want it to be with him. My issues aside, we have always gotten on amazingly well. He's my best friend and the one person I know will always have my back and tell me what I need to hear regardless of me liking it or not. He's thought about the bigger picture and he seems at the moment, keen. But he wants me to give the ol' body a break which is fine. I want an 18 month gap between DS4 and a potential 5th pregnancy anyhow. I just hurt last pregnancy like you wouldn't believe because DS3 was only 6 months when we decided to have DS4. In that time I'd like to get into full-time employment in either Property Rental (I'm half way though my Real Estate papers) or anything in Sales and Commission so if I do decide to peruse Real Estate I have that Sales and Commission behind me. Also, we need to move into something bigger but there is just nothing available in the rental market in my budget and I don't want to leave the area. My other option I have been considering is buying our current home and making it into a double level, 5 bedroom home. God knows the space is here as is the potential for it which also means selling or renting it out could earn some serious money as we are only a 5 minute walk from the city center. I need a bigger car but I'm going to wait until my loan is paid in a couple of years so I don't spread myself too thin even though I could do it now if I wanted to - I like to play it safe and I can't bear to part with my little '91 Ford Laser just yet. If he decides later on that he's happy with the 4 boys then my baby making days are over - I'll go ahead with my tubal regret free. Has anyone else had a baby with their children's father when you have separated?? Did it work? Did you regret it? We may end up back together but I'm just keeping my options open. And DS1 has always wanted a sister.

 

[jessmke]

I guess my only concern is what if you end up with someone else who doesn't have any children of his own and wants to have another baby. Would you be willing to have a fifth with your current partner, and then have maybe another one down the road with someone new? If 5 is your limit, I would personally wait to see what happens with you and your partner. If you end up back together then you can go ahead with your fifth child, but if you end up breaking up then maybe you'd want to save the possibility of your final child to be with someone new if that person ever comes along. I know you said you don't want a "mixed" family, but you might feel differently if you fall in love with someone new.

 

[WackyMumof2]

I guess my only concern is what if you end up with someone else who doesn't have any children of his own and wants to have another baby. Would you be willing to have a fifth with your current partner, and then have maybe another one down the road with someone new? If 5 is your limit, I would personally wait to see what happens with you and your partner. If you end up back together then you can go ahead with your fifth child, but if you end up breaking up then maybe you'd want to save the possibility of your final child to be with someone new if that person ever comes along. I know you said you don't want a "mixed" family, but you might feel differently if you fall in love with someone new.

Honestly, I don't think I would feel any different. I completly understand where you are coming from though. Maybe that's because me and my 2 younger siblings were treated differently to the baby of the family. My stepdad walked into a ready made family and had no clue so he always struggled with us. He loved us but didn't know how to connect with us so I always felt a little jealous when him and Mum had my baby sister. Kids don't understand the bigger picture - I certainly didn't. But I guess as I've gotten older and he and Mum have explained it to me, I understand and I actually feel sorry for the old bugger. I don't want that to happen to my children or to a new partner. If we don't get back together and he decided ultimately he doesn't want to peruse one more baby then Jackson will be our last. It doesn't feel quite right but it would be the best choice for our family. And I'm sure that if I was to have a new relationship that my new partner would love my children like his own regardless.

 

[noon_child]

My stepdad walked into a ready made family and had no clue so he always struggled with us. He loved us but didn't know how to connect with us so I always felt a little jealous when him and Mum had my baby sister. Kids don't understand the bigger picture - I certainly didn't.

That seems like more of an issue with how a step parent relates to existing children, and how children feel when their mum and dad aren't together, rather than the new baby causing resentment. Yes a baby would act as a focus for all those difficult feelings but I reckon those feelings are potentially already there (if you got a new partner) and need to be managed whether or not a baby comes in to the picture.