OT - oh and porn!!

[20YR 1ST BABY]

so i have unlimited internet on my phone and my oh doesn't, I always let him use my phone whenever he wants. I usually fall asleep pretty early around 9/10pm whereas he is usually still up gone midnight. Well I woke last night about 12:30 dying for a wee. He was in the loo, I asked how long cos I was going to pee myself and he then said he hadn't started going yet and let me use and I went black to sleep. I then woke at half 3 for another wee. I then felt wide awake so had a browse through my phone. I noticed he had cleared the whole of my browser history! So I went to google and found he had typed in "young selfshot girls" which obviously I clicked obv! Loads of nude selfies and videos of them 😩 I feel so shit about myself right now anyway and that has just hit me where it hurts! Was he in the toilet with them photos?! After he told me earlier that evening that he aches to much for sex tonight anyway! There's more 😩😩😩

I sorta chilled out about it thought no point waking him and didn't wanna over react. Went onto Instagram.. To see he left himself logged in. By that point curious it has got me locked in. I checked the photos he had liked, 3 of a girl I have never heard of before! I then went on Facebook to look for her to see if there was a possibility of her being a family friend or something. THEY AINT EVEN FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK! So I checked his dm. They had clearly been msging, there was a reply from her saying "administrator xxx" bit all the previous where deleted. Am I wrong to think clearly they was deleted for a reason?? Haven't said anything to him before he went to work this morning. Don't quite know what to say or what I want to do about the situation. Any advice appreciated!

 

[lauraairving]

Usually I wouldn't have caused a fuss but I think the fact he's told you he's too achy for sex and gone and done that in the bathroom is out of order. I also think it's really cheeky he's used YOUR phone to do it. I'd be confronting him. Id say it came up on your phone when you were searching something!

 

[Kmx]

Yeah I agree with PP. If it was just the photos I wouldn't mind too much. The fact that he said he's too achey and the fact he seems to be messaging and liking a strangers photos - that would make me very unhappy.

I wouldn't freak out too much right now until you speak to him. I know my OH admits he doesn't like the whole bump and oregnancy when it comes to sex so although we do still have sex it wouldn't completely surprise me if I found he had looked at photos whilst I was pregnant as I know the baby in there freaks him out a bit.

 

[20YR 1ST BABY]

So I told him I'm not ok in the end. He's bombarded me with texts and phone calls. Insists he don't know what his done! I haven't said as I wanted to see if he came clean. The fact he hasn't admired any faults makes me think there's more to it! Like he don't know what to say incase he exposes himself more! I feel broken right now! Running on practically no sleep and still need to wait a good 4 hours before he is home so we can have a discussion. Don't think I can even get past this 😔 once trust is gone, it doesn't come back!! Today sucks big time 😢

 

[laila 44]

Every guy watches porn at some point. It's just the way it is. My DH too who is a saint of a man has admitted to watching porn now and then and it's ok... However the fact that he may be cyber messaging some chick isn't ok. I'm high risk so I can't have sex and if my DH watches porn then fine! But in your case he said he was too tired? Not cool. The only thing that would bother me are the messages, if he actually contacted someone and chatted thats un acceptable. I would confront him tonight very casually but definately bring it up to see wtf the deal is.

 

[vaniilla]

I agree with the previous poster that messages would upset me too, that's going beyond just looking at porn but actually interacting with someone and then deleting his tracks. You should have a talk with him and see what he has to say.

 

[JemmaLouise]

See I might be a bit of a drama queen but I don't think men should be looking at porn if they are in a relationship This is probably down to my insecurities in myself but I've had 3 fallouts with OH about watching porn, the 3rd and final argument he really saw what it did to me. His Gmail account is on my phone so when I look at history for me, I see his, well I seen him looking up specific porn women and I felt betrayed, hurt etc. It felt particularly horrid as I had literally just had our miscarriage last year and wasn't up for sex just yet.

IMO and I am not forcing this opinion on anyone else but to me watching that is like cheating. It really disgusts me. He knows this now and hasn't done it since... I know... I'm a tech whizz and he cannot hide anything from me

The fact that your fella has also seemingly gone as far as message someone... that would really rub salt into the wound... you need to lay it all out there and say you've found stuff and give him the rope and see if he hangs himself

 

[wish4baby]

I'm so sorry your are dealing with this! Bless you, I can't believe you haven't said anything yet!!! I think I would of flipped out the second I found it lol

We are pretty conservative, in that we share all our social media / email /cell phone accounts, and agree that having friends of the opposite gender is inappropriate, and absolutely no "secret" porn at all...at the beginning of our relationship, clear lines were drawn. We both would consider porn (not viewed together lol), messaging other women, etc as "cheating" & there would be hell to pay!

I personally would say that if these things haven't been put out there before & a clear agreement made, then that's probably your next step. Maybe he thinks it's all in harmless fun and didn't realize it would hurt you....(hopefully) but if y'all agree these things have no place in your marriage, next time there won't be an excuse.

 

[smileyfaces]

Porn and stuff like that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But messaging another person would really bother me. You need to speak to him.

 

[xxxLeoxxx]

I personally wouldn't care about the porn (I think all men watch it in secret lol!!) but messaging another woman is a completely separate issue and would be much more serious to me.

Plus he must be crazy doing any of these on YOUR phone! Get it out in the open and nip it in the bud xx

 

[psychochick]

Yeah others have said it, but messaging people != porn. DH and I watch porn all the time, usually when the other person's asleep. And we're open about it. I would consider it a huge leap to go from just watching something for fun to messaging a real person.

 

[fairycat]

I agree with the others.. the messaging gets me. That would piss me off something awful!!

 

[medic76097]

Porn is just that. Porn. Who cares if one is looking at it? There's no personal connection or interaction with the women in the movies. Finding a chat to a real live person is more concerning. And for those who think that porn is cheating.... It's a form of sexual pleasure that doesn't involve anyone but the one watching. So???

 

[AP]

Porn is a subject that differs between couples. Does he know before this that you didn't like porn?

It's not fair to assume that there's "nothing's wrong" with porn in a relationship or that it's something that guys just do. Everyone has their boundaries, and why would someone do something that hurts the person they love? Is it really worth it? Some people are cool with it - great - but some people aren't and that needs to be respected.

It is a personal thing and I don't believe anyone's opinions on porn should shadow the fact that you ARE upset about it, and your feelings are valid!

 

[lauraairving]

I think the issue is that he's told the poster he didn't want sex as was too achy and then purposely took himself to the bathroom to watch someone else. In my opinion that's completely unacceptable, as is messaging a random person online!

 

[JemmaLouise]

Porn is just that. Porn. Who cares if one is looking at it? There's no personal connection or interaction with the women in the movies. Finding a chat to a real live person is more concerning. And for those who think that porn is cheating.... It's a form of sexual pleasure that doesn't involve anyone but the one watching. So???

That may well be the case with you but for someone, like me, who is extremely low in body confidence, almost to the point of self loathing, it's exceptionally upsetting to know that my boyfriend is sitting there getting his kicks by looking at other women, who are, by far, more attractive and body confident than I.

I would love to just accept that it's a man thing like some people but when I saw his history and it was there, I cried for hours thinking I wasn't good enough. In his mind, it might be harmless and isn't attached to these women but to me it's a violation of my understanding of a relationship. I don't look or think of other people much to many people's disbelief, but it's true, I don't see myself with anyone but my OH. To me it's like cheating but that's my issues and my opinion for my relationship.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

Porn is NOT" a man thing". I find it disgusting in its crude portrayal of women as objects, a clear lack of disrespect for our sex and creates a materialistic view of sex as conquership, etc. Like PP said the men watching it aren't attached to these women, so what they are now these objects of instant sexual gratification?? I don't think it's harmless at all, neither does my DH.
Or maybe we feel secure enough in our sexual relationship that it just doesn't seem necessary to watch?
**Just my opinion**
Not going to go into it though that's not what this is about.

I think the bigger issue is the messages that were deleted. I always say if one is deleting messages to hide from a significant other, that's a bad sign. Personally I would try to confront him about it if you think you can do so without over-reacting. I agree with PP though that it's horrible he said he's too achey for sex but goes to look at and talk to other women?

Massive I can just imagine how you are feeling.

 

[medic76097]

While I respect the fact that everyone has different opinions on porn..... This issue isn't him watching it or catering to your feelings. The issue is your self esteem and how you feel. Working on yourself instead of forcing everyone to conform to make you comfortable would be a better long term solution. I say that as someone who's gone through it. My ex used to watch all sorts of ethnic porn while I was a chubby white girl. It made me feel unworthy and horrible. And then I realized it wasn't his problem to fix. It was mine. With my image and confidence. The whole idea of objectification of women in porn is silly. When you have sex and your hubby is talking dirty or touching you intimately, it's not objectifing. It's sex. Maybe I'm a lot more progressive when it comes to sexual things. I just honestly think that the type of porn he's looking at is less a problem then the way you perceive yourself. And if your OH intentionally pushes you to feel rotten or unworthy then maybe it's a bid situation to be in.

 

[LisaL79]

Benefit of the doubt... maybe he really was too achy for sex, but looked at porn to get a quick nut off to relax and get to sleep?

The messaging thing is a whole other issue though and definitely not cool.

 

[JemmaLouise]

I'm not going to get into the argument about porn because we obviously have different views on whats we feel is acceptable in a relationship.

I really hope that the OP is alright and has managed to have a chat and get answers I'm thinking of you hun as it's a shitty time for these things to come up