Our news is out but not by us....

[little moomin]

I would be furious, not even that she told everyone but she obviously looked through your private stuff. It isn't as though you told her she literally went looking for gossip. Hideous.

 

[lhancock90]

Oh I'd be really annoyed! At the snooping and the bloody unprofessionalism of keeping that secret!
Family or not when you work for someone there's a manner in which you have to act

 

[Rachie004]

I don't consider is sabotage when you'd be reporting actual behaviour. If you were going to make something up just because you didn't like her or because she stained the carpet or something equally insignificant then that in my opinion would be sabotage. I really don't think you'd be being malicious.

 

[Marcella]

looked at social security numbers of your toddlers-possibly hoping to steal identity.

Yes, this is probably what she was looking to do.

 

[wellsk]

I'm very sorry this happened to you, I would also be furious and devastated that someone had taken something very personal and used it in such a disrespectful manner.

I agree with mamaduke and creative (and another lady I can't remember the name of, sorry!). I would write a letter saying how angry and disappointed you are at her level of unprofessionalism, and how if this had been a official position, what a breach of trust it is.

However before you write her a bad reference, I would definitely take some time and seriously think about it. We all did stupid things as teenagers without thinking of the consequences... Would you really want those to come back and ruin your career?

I would take a week to calm down and make your decision with a logical (and less angry) mind. You may feel differently in a few days. However if you still feel the need to give the negative reference, then that is fine. And you're perfectly within your right to do so.

However whichever you chose (positive or negative reference), I would speak to her afterwards to explain why you chose to give the reference you did. And if it was a positive one, I would remind her that she WILL not be so lucky with her next employer. As there's no way a professional employer would let her get away with that.

 

[LittleAngel09]

Thank you ladies, you've all given me lots to consider. I'm going to try to calm down and if our scan goes well, I may feel its irrelevant. We'll have to see. I do know however that my trust in her has gone completely and I'm not sure if I can get past that complete disregard to our privacy. But that said she is 19 and I'm afraid to say, she's a very young and immature 19 year old too.

I have to also consider her future career. She has already been sacked from one nursery for an incident that resulted in a minor injury to a child. She's great with kids but her lack of life skills and knowledge is what let's her down. I just hope she obtains some important steps in her growing up in this new job. After all i was 19 once.

My husband and I feel it may be best he writes the reference if in a week I still feel this way towards her actions.

Xx

 

[Misscalais]

I'd be more upset at the fact she was snooping in your bedside drawers. What was she doing in your room?

 

[mayb_baby]

I would be furious, I wanted to wait until my scan but everyone here found out when I was 9 weeks due to being seen in the midwives office by a gossip xx

 

[LucyLake]

I really like the idea of your husband writing the reference and hope all goes well. I think I'd be honest, but don't make her look like a monster. Explain that you had a "minor incident with privacy not being respected and that the employer should know she's a very "young" 19."

I think I would have been easier on her, but your mentioning of the minor injury to a child on her watch have me pause.

This may simply not be the right career for her and you're actually doing her a huge favor by making that known to her early. Perhaps, she'll embark on a more suitable paralegal career, etc.

Best wishes and prayers for a great scan!

 

[LucyLake]

I really like the idea of your husband writing the reference and hope all goes well. I think I'd be honest, but don't make her look like a monster. Explain that you had a "minor incident with privacy not being respected and that the employer should know she's a very "young" 19."

I think I would have been easier on her, but your mentioning of the minor injury to a child on her watch have me pause.

This may simply not be the right career for her and you're actually doing her a huge favor by making that known to her early. Perhaps, she'll embark on a more suitable paralegal career, etc.

Best wishes and prayers for a great scan!

 

[x Zaly x]

I think thats absolutely out of order! I would be raging at her too. Snooping around im your personal space is the hight of rudeness. You are definitely not over reacting xx

 

[Larkspur]

Thanks ladies. I just want her to know how hurt we are and how bloody disrespectful she's been, especially since we helped her out and our own expense. But if I did it would cause so much hassle as that side have been brought up to think they're never in the wrong and the whole family would shut us off. This is understandably something my husband doesn't want to happen as his mum is terminally ill and doesn't need the added upset.

I'm just internally imploding with anger.

Thanks for the support.

Xx

I'd be pretty angry too.

I see you're in a difficult position with the rest of the family. That said, I think this is important enough that I would probably sit the niece down and say, "Look, we need to talk to you about this as you need to understand what you've done was unprofessional and disrespectful, and we're very disappointed." I'd tell her that you don't want to give her a negative reference, but that first you need to hear her say that she understands what she did was wrong, and why, and to give you an apology.

I'd also make very clear that you are speaking to her in a private capacity as an employer, not a family member, and that if she wants to demonstrate that she understands her error and is sincerely sorry, she won't go running off complaining to the rest of the family and causing unnecessary stress to her sick grandmother.

 

[meli1981]

How dare she blab your secret? Not her place, ide be mad as well

 

[Bellababy]

How inconsiderate of her. I'd be fuming! Big hugs Hun xxx

 

[baby25102011]

Completely understand, your not overreacting and it does sound as if she's been snooping!
Why do people feel the need to spread it like it's their own news?!

I've recently been in your position, I've fell out with 2 friends over them telling people.
I tried for 2 years so have waited a long time to tell people and they took that away from me! One of the messages where one of them tld someone else said "She's pregnant but I'm no meant to know lol" - Nice one, 'friend'.

 

[Electricat]

Oh god, how rude! I'd be livid

I'm a bea-tch so I would probably publicly shame her by telling everyone just how she found out - by snooping around. (I can't think of anything more disgusting than ppl who do things like that. I don't know if I'm overly sensitive to that stuff, but whenever I water my neighbour's plants I just rush thru the house because I don't want to see anything too private. For someone to actively snoop thru in the MOST private spot in anyone's house is beyond me and I would freak out if I found out - so NO, you are not overreacting in my book).
If she steals your thunder like that due to sneaking around like a thief, she should get a smack.
You know what? Tell everyone you saw her pick her nose and eat the booger too, that would teach her =D

I'm sorry - hearing this really upset me...

 

[Electricat]

I would write her a letter explaining professionally that what she has done has betrayed your trust. Explain that whilst working for someone, you may come across information of a private and personal nature and that it is a betrayal of trust and extremely unprofessional to speak to anyone about it and that it would be a sackable offence.
Explain to her that you are devastated that you were unable to share the happy news because it had been already spread. and that whilst you valued the time she spent looking after your children, that you are dissapointed by her behaviour.
It really does need pointing out to her in black and white.
What happens after she receives the letter is down to her, but a grovelling apology should be forthcoming. You will also equip her with the knowledge to know where she went wrong.

You are such a much better person than me lol
I think this would be an excellent respond - I let my thirst for vengeance get the best of me

 

[amaryllis]

My brother blabbed on Facebook and my whole family knew, and I wanted to keep it to myself till the first trimester was over at least. I would be ridiculously angry with him, but he blabbed because he was so excited. I was upset cause I couldn't tell my family myself. Hopefully I can tell more people at the October family party. Sometimes news misses people.

He hasn't told my *friends*, though, so I'll get to tell them all myself, thank goodness.

Anyway, you haven't overreacted, that is a horrible thing your niece did. I'm sorry she's ruined the moment for you.

 

[Creative]

I would write her a letter explaining professionally that what she has done has betrayed your trust. Explain that whilst working for someone, you may come across information of a private and personal nature and that it is a betrayal of trust and extremely unprofessional to speak to anyone about it and that it would be a sackable offence.
Explain to her that you are devastated that you were unable to share the happy news because it had been already spread. and that whilst you valued the time she spent looking after your children, that you are dissapointed by her behaviour.
It really does need pointing out to her in black and white.
What happens after she receives the letter is down to her, but a grovelling apology should be forthcoming. You will also equip her with the knowledge to know where she went wrong.

You are such a much better person than me lol
I think this would be an excellent respond - I let my thirst for vengeance get the best of me

The thing is that you are reproaching her for being unprofessional and therefore you either stoop to her level and "have a go" or you remain professional and deal with it in a professional manner. i think you get your point across much better this way and also keep the respect of the other family members etc. How she reacts is key to it all though.
I was a nanny at 18 -20 and I overheard my boss telling her husband that she was pregnant. I knew better than to say anything though and acted all surprised when eventually I was "told"!

 

[1eighty]

you can also explain to her that you now cannot, in all good conscience, give her a reference for her studies or work experience, as she has so severely breached your personal and professional privacy.

what a cow!