PAL after Recurrent Losses - come join us!

[hopeful23456]

dairy - too bad they don't have home ultrasound machines hope you get in soon so you don't have to worry about it and everything is good

mrsr - I'm good just like to stalk and see everyone progressing, hoping everyone gets their rainbows.

 

[dairymomma]

Yeah, I have an update. The waiting is over. Unfortunately for me, so is this pregnancy. I can't believe I'm saying this but it's miscarriage #9 for sure. I cancelled my u/s orders after talking to the dr's nurse just now because there's no way I'm still pregnant. The bleeding has steadily increased over the day, the cramping is amping up as I type and the mule kick to the gut was finding 4 clots ranging from dime sized to quarter sized in the toilet about an hour ago.

It's over.

I want to break some dishes or kick a bully in the balls or something. This hurts SO much because as much as I was expecting this to happen, I was still hoping some teeny little bit.

 

[Ummi2boyz]

Dairy: I am so so sorry to hear this. You are really brave. Lots of hugs. You are allowed to be angry and express you anger hun. I'm still hoping you are wrong though, but it wouldn't be fair to try and keep your hopes up if it's not meant to be.

 

[dairymomma]

And in slightly better news, I am already formulating my plans. First, once this is over and I can start doing normal activity again, I'm going to work on my health and losing weight. (I bought P90X just before Christmas and I'm determined to start it.) At the same time, I am going to request an hsg or a scope of my uterus in 3 months. (The dr recommended 3 months after a loss or pg in order for things to heal properly.) This is, I suspect, another blighted ovum based on how this is happening and if so, it's the 2nd one I know I've had after ovulating on the left side. Even if it isn't, I've miscarried the last 3 pregnancies I've conceived after o-ing on the left and my girls were both def right side ovulation. I'm starting to wonder if there's not something wrong with my left ovary or tube and it's damaging my eggs. Doesn't hurt to get it checked out right?

Hopefully I'll be back on here with my rainbow bfp after that.

 

[Ummi2boyz]

Great plans!
However, what is a. P90x?
Your bfp might just be around the corner... xx

 

[Starry Night]

dairy - I am so sorry. It really is not fair. Your plan for the next little while sounds really good and I hope it gives you something to focus on as you heal.

I have often wondered if I have a bad ovary too. I don't know what side I ovulated on with my first two pregnancies (m/c then my son) but I know my daughter was the opposite ovary from my two previous miscarriages. And I did miscarry a fraternal twin with my son so I guess it's possible.

My other theory has been that since my cycles are long (40 days) that my successful pregnancies were the cycles I had a double ovulation and the second, newer egg was the one to conceive and implant. I've never had a blighted ovum but the issue seemed to be egg quality as the growth was always slow and there were things like misshapen sacs, etc.

afm - not TTC. We're most likely done but I'm seriously starting to rethink that. DH isn't happy about that but it's so hard to leave this world behind. We probably should be done due to finances and just my own mental health, but I keep thinking and hoping and even took a damn pregnancy test today even though we've been using condoms.

 

[Tasha]

I'm so sorry diary. Life sucks sometimes.

It sounds like a good plan xx

 

[dairymomma]

P90X is an exercise program that you can do at home. It's pretty intense and a bit more hardcore than I've ever done before but if you stick to the plan as written (no cheating allowed), exercise and eat when/what they say to, you'll go from flabby to ripped in 90 days. Or at least see a massive improvement. We have Power 90, the precursor to P90X, so I have some idea of what I'm getting myself into but Power 90 only has 2 main dvds (4 workouts total, 2 beginner, 2 master) and one extra workout so I was pretty bored with it. P90X has 8 or 9 workouts and you do a different one every day of the week. So instead of alternating cardio and weights 6 days a week, I'm doing something different. One is yoga-based, another is plyometric (and a killer on your legs!), another is back and arms, another is martial arts inspired cardio, etc. I like the variety it offers. The only thing is it is STRICT. You have to eat this many times a day, this much food, and it's all based off of your current body weight. I've got ALOT of meal planning and food figuring to do before I start P90X...

 

[Squig34]

So so sorry Dairy interesting what you've noticed about eggs from your left ovary. Absolutely doesn't hurt to get that theory checked out, it makes sense to me. I hope you aren't in too much pain.

 

[dairymomma]

Starry-(sorry, I'm cross-posting all over the place here...) I don't know if all of my blighted ovums were due to ovulating on the left because I didn't start making note of that kind stuff until some of my later losses. And the few where there's been a hb within days of the loss, I wasn't on the meds so I'm convinced those would possibly have continued if I'd known about my progesterone issues. If nothing else the dr having a look around inside can't hurt as it'll rule out what else ISN'T wrong so I'm not left wondering. Really, I'd be happy being done now if I knew I wouldn't have anything but losses from here on out. But the thought of not having that one last rainbow scares me so bad. I do feel like our family could be complete but I also don't see a future with just 3 kids either. So I don't know. Either way, on that subject, I'm not making any decisions until after the dr does the hsg and I've had some time to think. I know I want at least one more but DH and I have talked adoption too so even if more babies aren't in my future, I know we'll have options for adding to our family.

 

[dancareoi]

Dairy I am so sorry. Hopefully you can get some answers, follow your plan and see what happens xxxx

Hope, congratulations. I followed your story last year, so really hope this is your rainbow. It sounds like you will be getting excellent care.

Starry, I know how you feel. I have 4 children DS 13, DD 10, DS 4 and DD 1 and I am now 43 years of age. If it was up to me I would keep going. Although as I have got older things haven't been easy. My last 2 children are both rainbows.

You say you took a test even though you are using condoms, well what about this for wishful thinking, I took a test the other day and my DH had the 'snip' when my dd was only 2 months old!

 

[mowat]

So sorry to log on and see your news Dairy. Hope you get some answers. Sounds like you have a good plan at least---not that that makes it any easier.

COngrats Petitpas!

Hope! Amazing news.

Finally had another doctor's appointment today and I've lost another couple of pounds in 4 weeks. Docotr wasn't too concerned. She also wasn't too concerned about my shortness of breath. I mentioned how much trouble I'm starting to have with working and she said they don't consider pregnancy an illness so I can't be written off. Um, but can you give me a sick note because I feel like I might pass out all the time? Seems strange, yes? Ultrasound tomorrow. Everybody's moving like crazy so I'm hoping we're still good.

 

[DSemcho]

DSemcho, I'm so excited to get my doppler!! I can't wait to be able to hear my baby's HB!! I think it will help me to relax in between doctor's appointments.

Honestly MrsR it has helped me relax tremendously. I know you aren't supposed to do it everyday, so I'm happy I recorded it yesterday morning when I found it because I listened to it like seven times yesterday and once this morning just to make me feel good. So I think if I keep recording when I do them that it'll get me to only do the doppler once a week that way I have it to listen to through the week.

Yeah, I have an update. The waiting is over. Unfortunately for me, so is this pregnancy. I can't believe I'm saying this but it's miscarriage #9 for sure. I cancelled my u/s orders after talking to the dr's nurse just now because there's no way I'm still pregnant. The bleeding has steadily increased over the day, the cramping is amping up as I type and the mule kick to the gut was finding 4 clots ranging from dime sized to quarter sized in the toilet about an hour ago.

It's over.

I want to break some dishes or kick a bully in the balls or something. This hurts SO much because as much as I was expecting this to happen, I was still hoping some teeny little bit.

Dairy I'm so sorry hun

 

[ab75]

So sorry dairy xx

 

[floridamomma]

So sorry dairy. I posted in your journal but lots of prayer your way.

 

[floridamomma]

Thanks ummi and hopeful. That makes me feel like we may catch it. We have at least 5-6 all at least 12. It makes me wonder though if my eggs haven't been fully mature at ovulation and that caused the mc. With clomid I have many eggs but I keep being told they should be a little more developed. I have also been having right sided pain by my ovaries but I thought it was just constipation or something. No it's 5 eggs. Well the iui is Friday and on to the tww. I haven't been in the tww since Jan last year. Keep me in prayer ladies. We bd cd 6,8,9,10,12 iui cd 15 and hopefully bd cd 15,16,17.

 

[Tia30]

Have been doing more stalking then posting (as ever)

Dairy - so sorry to hear your news. Your plan sounds great and it will be good to have something positive to focus on.

Hope - I've said it already but I'll say it again, congrats and fingers for your rainbow. Congrats to all the other bfps on here.

AFM - I am nearly 21 weeks, found out we are team pink again which brought mixed emotions, mainly relating to guilt about Laurie.

They have signed me off work (doctors orders). Am pretty much housebound for the next few weeks when I will then be hospital bound. It's actually stressful because my main focus all day is how much she is moving. I am trying to stay sane but find myself having very irrational thoughts about things going wrong. I fear bedtime the most and think she is going to die in the night.

They are doing doppler scans every two weeks which is good.

Trying to stay positive. As I get further along the fear of anothet stillbirth is more stifling than ever. One day at a time, that's the only way you can exist in these circumstances.

 

[wookie130]

Dairy, I'm sorry to read this. Please take care!

Tia, I'm wishing you calming thoughts, and peace of mind.

 

[dairymomma]

Thanks ladies. One last update and then I'm through with sad m/c news...It was another blighted ovum. I passed what would have been the sac this morning and it was oddly shaped, covered in blood clots, a weird texture, and no baby. Even though I know now that the discharge I had on Saturday was probably my waters breaking and the sac would look funny due to that, this is still very malformed. So I'm going ahead with my plans and really I'm feeling okay. As okay as you can be in this situation but honestly, my BOs have been the easiest on me emotionally. I think it's because subconsciously I've known there's something wrong and the hormone rise isn't there. (I know my hCG was rising to start with but I bet if we had done one more lab, it would have already been slowing way down.) It's also healing in an odd way too because I have something to 'blame' unlike my other losses which are mostly unexplained. Does that make sense? And I do have hope for future babies too. All three of my kids were conceived within 6 months of a BO m/c without any other losses between. So maybe I really will be back sooner rather than later. And thanks again for all the kind words and thoughts. It helps SO much. You ladies are the BEST.

 

[Tasha]

Tia I wish I could give you a proper hug. I found Kaysie was a girl after Honey was stillborn and too had mixed emotions. I had convinced myself she would be a boy and that would be easier as it was different, the truth is it wouldn't be, it's just a reminder that they aren't out Angels. I'm not finding out this time (first pregnancy that's made it out of first tri since Riley Rae was stillborn) but I'm sure that would bring mixed emotions. The rest is normal too, though that doesn't help. I'm here if you want to talk.

Dairy just the hugest hugs xx