PAL after Recurrent Losses - come join us!

[Hope39]

Congrats Ginny, lovely news!

Glad everything went well with the op Hope!

Afm- Gracie was 7lb at birth and was weighed at 20 days old and is up to 8lb6. We have the GP on Monday as she has weird breathing and I'm a bit worried about it. My OH thinks I'm paranoid though!

How is her breathing weird hun x

 

[loeylo]

Congrats Ginny, lovely news!

Glad everything went well with the op Hope!

Afm- Gracie was 7lb at birth and was weighed at 20 days old and is up to 8lb6. We have the GP on Monday as she has weird breathing and I'm a bit worried about it. My OH thinks I'm paranoid though!

How is her breathing weird hun x

She pants really hard sometimes, her abdomen rises really hard and she breathes much faster than normal. She also sounds really mucous-y. I thought I was being paranoid but even all four of her grandparents, both her aunts and several of my friends have commented on it. My cousin had a lot of breathing problems which started when he was a few weeks old and her breathing is apparently the same as his. He was in hospital for a long time and had to wear a breathing monitor until he was older, so it worries me a bit.

 

[loeylo]

Just realised that she was born on pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. I normally light a candle for each of my angels that night but now I will be lighting birthday candles then too!

I think her being born on that day is a nice tribute to her older siblings!

 

[blueblue]

hope, glad the operation went well, hope Oscar recovers soon and feels much betterx

Madrid, congratulations x

Loeylo, hope everything is ok with Gracie re: the breathing. Glad her weight gain is good . I know it's worrying . Ellie had a heart murmur at birth and we have a hospital apt for it in a few weeks, they weren't that worried as they thought it was due to her small size and would correct itself, but I'm still really worried x

Thanks Hope and Dairy. I'm down to 4 pumps per day as I'm stopping and feeling much better, I even got to leave the house with her to socialise yesterday .

 

[petitpas]

Lo, weird breathing needs to be checked out but isn't always bad. A was making effort grunts when exhaling. She was kept in after birth and treated just in case she had a chest infection but finally she was diagnosed with laryngomalacia, a floppy larynx. She was an incredibly noisy sleeper and had me quite worried sometimes but all in all she was ok. We ended up putting her on her side to sleep as it made the breathing easier (health visitor agreed) and that was it pretty much. No follow ups and I think she has pretty much grown out of it now.

Hopefully, your little one's diagnosis is as mild as A's

 

[blueblue]

Loeylo, hope everything went ok with Gracie's doctors appointment on Monday x

 

[loeylo]

Blue - hope Ellie's appointment goes well. I recently found out I have a heart murmur, it has never caused me any problems and it was only discovered due to me having unrelated issues!

Petitpas - I did suspect the same actually, however I watched videos online and Gracie's breathing is different than the floppy larynx thing. Hers is more that she is struggling to breathe. It seems to be settling and my angelcare monitor is reassuring!

Gracie's appointment went fine, they listened and her chest and heart are clear but they have referred us to the paediatrician to get her checked - her appointment is the 23rd of December so hopefully I will get some reassurance.

I have my 6 week check up this week and I am going to mention the possibility of PND to the GP. I feel so ashamed to admit it!

 

[Tasha]

Congrats Madrid.

Ginny congrats to you, although I've already said that.

Loey don't feel ashamed. It is a chemical imbalance that you can't control.

 

[blueblue]

Thank you Loeylo. Glad Gracie's apt went well, hope everything is fine at her apt in December. You've been through a lot, I did read somewhere (I can't remember where) that having a history of rmc can raise the risk of pnd. Please don't feel ashamed, there's a huge hormone shift after you've had a baby. I hope the GP is really helpful. I started to feel really down due to the expressing and had to cut down. x

 

[petitpas]

Lo, I think the shame is a common feeling. I'm glad it's not stopping you from getting the help you need to feel better. Big hugs

 

[loeylo]

Thanks ladies. I think I was looking forward to the moment of birth since my first bfp (January 2011) and I had hyped it up so much that I just feel really deflated that it wasn't how I imagined - I craved the instant overwhelming love and was sure it would happen but instead I was so tired and spaced out from the drugs that I just felt numb and exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I love her and everything. I am just coping with the demands of motherhood far less well than I expected - and she is a brilliant baby! My oh has taken to it like a duck to water.

 

[blueblue]

My health visitor was a bit concerned and gave me a really helpful booklet about recovering from it. It has some really useful advice and splits it up into days (Sleep Day, Going Out Day, Reading Day etc).

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Enjoy-post...021507?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1448269667&sr=1-11

It's hard when you come round from a c-section (did you have a general anesthetic?), I think it's hard to prepare for looking after a baby too. I hope everything gets easier soon x

 

[loeylo]

Thanks, I will have a wee look at that tomorrow!

I didn't get a general anaesthetic but I went from a natural birth using hypnobirthing, to being induced, to taking pain relief, eventually ending up with meds to slow down contractions (to counteract the induction meds) , diamorphine (which I actually asked not to be offered) dihydrocodiene, gas and air, paracetamol and an anti sickness injection. Over an above the spinal which I got for c section, and another jag they gave me during my c section because I felt like I was going to pass out (not sure what that was)

My body responds poorly to medication, hence I wanted to use a pool but my contractions were non stop (literally) for about 10 hours, I was only getting about 20 seconds between contractions despite only being 2cm. I had 2 hours sleep the night before induction, and then went to surgery after 20 hours labour in total, so I was just exhausted. They showed me her and I didn't even feel the "aww look a baby" way that I get with strangers kids. I was just sort of like "cool I can sleep now?" Which I feel so bad for.

I'm also projecting my health anxiety onto her. We had her at the out of hours last night (at 3am) because I was so worried, luckily she is fine. I feel immense pressure to have the house clean and tidy, I'm barely eating (I'm below my pre pregnancy weight already) and I can't sit at peace.

Not really looking for advice I just needed a rant!

 

[ab75]

loeylo.
Try and go easy on yourself. Housework can wait. It's important for you to eat healthily to keep your strength up. It will get easier. I used to stress myself out when dd1 was born as I wanted to be Supermum and have a spotless house etc but it did pass as I realised It was only me putting those expectations on myself xx

 

[blueblue]

Rant away. That is a lot to go through, no wonder you are exhausted and not feeling on top of the world. The morphine makes you feel really ill too, despite the anti-sickness injections. Do you have supportive family and friends you can talk to?

Please don't be too hard on yourself, the housework can wait (I say this as someone who has driven herself a bit batty trying to keep on top of everything, expressing and trying to breastfeed when she either won't latch, or doesn't get a feed as I don't have enough milk and LO still has a full bottle afterwards as I've made myself feel it's something I have to do even when it isn't), don't set yourself impossible standards x

 

[wookie130]

Loeylo, I can completely understand and appreciate how you're feeling, and you're right to seek some help for it. You have to take care of YOU, before you can even think of taking care of someone else. Sometimes I think in the throes of depression or anxiety, we try to control ourselves through our environment...so we "need" to clean and keep things in order, to keep an element of external control over the fact that we feel that we're crumbling inside, or that we're somehow inadequate. But, that's only putting a band-aid over the situation, and I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need to talk to someone and get some help. You're certainly not alone, and it is so very, very common for post-partum women to experience.

There are all kinds of mothers. There are those who immediately fall head over heels with their newborn upon first glance (I fall into this category, for sure, and both of mine were born by c-section), and there are those who fall in love with their babies over time, through the moments they share, and the relationship they build through the days and nights of being with their babies. It's kind of like any love story...some love stories are a love-at-first-sight-destiny thing, and others are about a slower-paced friendship-turned-deeper-relationship-type-thing. Neither is the wrong or right way to love. What you experienced at your daughter's birth, and what you're experiencing now, is only one small piece of the love story that you're writing about yourself and your daughter. It's yours, and yours alone, and somewhere, down the road, you'll hit your stride, and know that what you're going through right now is not forever, but only one short chapter of the story. Your love will evolve and grow over time, and there will come a point where you will not remember how it was to live without her. My children are 2 1/2 years old, and 15 months old, and I can honestly say that I can't relate to the years that led up to my becoming a mom...the time before my children arrived seemed like an emptier, foreign time to me. Now that they're here, and I'm in the thick of it with them, I feel that my life has direction, and purpose, and I exist because they exist. Motherhood will transform you, and you will never be who you once were again. It doesn't always feel wonderful, and there are times when it is difficult, scary, sad, disappointing, and maddening...but I wouldn't change it for anything, nor would I ever go back to the time I had before they were born.

Hang in there. It's quite the ride.

 

[newlywedtzh]

There are all kinds of mothers. There are those who immediately fall head over heels with their newborn upon first glance (I fall into this category, for sure, and both of mine were born by c-section), and there are those who fall in love with their babies over time, through the moments they share, and the relationship they build through the days and nights of being with their babies. It's kind of like any love story...some love stories are a love-at-first-sight-destiny thing, and others are about a slower-paced friendship-turned-deeper-relationship-type-thing. Neither is the wrong or right way to love. What you experienced at your daughter's birth, and what you're experiencing now, is only one small piece of the love story that you're writing about yourself and your daughter. It's yours, and yours alone, and somewhere, down the road, you'll hit your stride, and know that what you're going through right now is not forever, but only one short chapter of the story. Your love will evolve and grow over time, and there will come a point where you will not remember how it was to live without her. My children are 2 1/2 years old, and 15 months old, and I can honestly say that I can't relate to the years that led up to my becoming a mom...the time before my children arrived seemed like an emptier, foreign time to me. Now that they're here, and I'm in the thick of it with them, I feel that my life has direction, and purpose, and I exist because they exist. Motherhood will transform you, and you will never be who you once were again. It doesn't always feel wonderful, and there are times when it is difficult, scary, sad, disappointing, and maddening...but I wouldn't change it for anything, nor would I ever go back to the time I had before they were born.

Hang in there. It's quite the ride.

Love this Wookie- Well said!!

I also love this quote when talking about the profound transition to motherhood:

"Becoming a mother prompts a transformation so profound that it entails a shape shifting into a new state of being. A radical change in the experience of life occurs and it is one that deserves to be talked about, embraced and celebrated."

Loeylo (and all the new mommys) find support and TALK TALK TALK about this new identity you now have. It is only in recent times where new mothers find themselves without a cohort of women made up of mothers aunts sisters, etc surrounding them during the post partum period. Maybe forums like this one are our modern day "cohort". It gets easier and you will always find support here, that I know

 

[blueblue]

Wookie, Newlywedtzh, wise words x

Ellie cried and strained for 3 hours last night with gas due to breastfeeding yesterday, I've made the really hard decision to finally give up trying and pumping for good after getting her to latch after 6 weeks, I can't bare to see her in so much pain and she's so upset this morning x

 

[wookie130]

Wookie, Newlywedtzh, wise words x

Ellie cried and strained for 3 hours last night with gas due to breastfeeding yesterday, I've made the really hard decision to finally give up trying and pumping for good after getting her to latch after 6 weeks, I can't bare to see her in so much pain and she's so upset this morning x

I'm confused blue, is she now latching after 6 weeks, or are you just giving up on breastfeeding in general? Either way, it's really just fine. There is a ton of pressure to breastfeed now, and as a woman who ended up being diagnosed with IGT (insufficient glandular tissue), and exclusively formula-fed both of her children, I can tell you that if you need to bottle feed formula, Ellie will be JUST FINE. She'll probably be better than fine...she'll be happy, and well-fed, and you can feel good knowing that you're being a good mom, and giving her a perfectly nutritious breastmilk substitute. I didn't even try to nurse my son (as I knew with my condition I'd be unable to produce hardly any milk anyway), and he had formula from the get-go. It was completely relaxing for both of us. He loved his bottles, and I'd give them to him while providing skin-to-skin, and just gaze into his eyes, and it was really just lovely...it was polar opposite to all of the pumping, crying, frustration, nipple shields, etc. that I went through trying to nurse my daughter, only to learn that she was getting next to nothing from me. I wish I could have breastfed my kids, but it's certainly something I've learned to not dwell on, because now that they're a bit older, they're healthy, happy, intelligent, and I'm more concerned about getting them to eat greens and veggies! LOL!

 

[Hope39]

Wookie, Newlywedtzh, wise words x

Ellie cried and strained for 3 hours last night with gas due to breastfeeding yesterday, I've made the really hard decision to finally give up trying and pumping for good after getting her to latch after 6 weeks, I can't bare to see her in so much pain and she's so upset this morning x

Breastfeeding is hard, you've done really well to try and persevere for so long

This was what Oscar was like, but he was 24 hours a day 7 days a week straining and grunting . It was awful to see him in so much pain . He never really cried but we could tell he was so uncomfortable.

We cut out dairy and gave him colief and it helped immensely, he still has lots of gas but we manage to massage it out of him

I hope Ellie is much happier with her bottle x