PAL, Is it "normal" to feel this way?

[Nina83]

I got my positive last week (Yay!) and am waiting for my betas now, currently 17dpo, or 4+2.
Since I found out, I haven't really felt pregnant. I don't really feel a connection. I do try to talk to my little bean, but it kind of feels, not fake, but, like I'm trying to hard.
With my previous pregnancies it all came very naturally and I actually felt like I could see the little bean growing. With this...

On one hand I want an early reassurance scan, but on the other hand, I want to wait as long as possible to see more. But then, if there's something wrong, I'd want to know ASAP to deal with it (how horrible am I for thinking that?)
I don't feel like I can, or want connect to this bean so early on, if something does happen. But then, if something does happen, I know I'll feel horrible for not accepting, or loving it as much as I could. Even though, believe me, both DH and I love him/her so much already.

I just feel like an awful parent right now. DH said it will sink in slowly. I'm terrified of getting hurt again, of something going wrong.

Is this normal? Do others go through this? Will it pass and when?
I just want to see the little heartbeat and get past the dreaded 8 week mark (the latest I got with my previous)

 

[Kasey84]

Hi nina,
Congrats on your BFP. PAL is a scary thing no doubt and it comes with a lot of emotions!

I think what your feeling is completely normal. I felt exactly the same way earlier on in this pregnancy.

With My first pregnancy I was over the moon excited and felt an instant connection with the baby. Sadly that ended in mmc at 14 weeks. When I got pregnant this time, I had trouble feeling connected/bonded with the baby. I tried doing all the things I had done in my previous pregnancy like running my belly and talking to the baby, but it felt forced and not genuine. I also felt uncomfortable talking or thinking about the pregnancy. I had an early scan at 8 weeks and was very relieved to see a baby with a strong hb. I had hoped this would help, but I still felt no connection. I remember talking to my oh about it and thinking what a horrible mother I must be to not feel a connection. Thankfully, he was very supportive and I came to realize that I was feeling this way out of fear that something could still happen even after seeing a hb at 8 weeks.

With time it got a little easier, especially after I bought a home Doppler and was able to listen for the baby's hb whenever I needed reassurance.

For me though, I didn't really start to feel a true connection until I had my 20 week anatomy scan. Seeing a healthy little baby really helped me to believe that I could have this little one in my arms. After that the bond started to grow.

That's just my story of course and everyone is different. Just give it time and don't be hard in yourself. PAL is hard. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

 

[AnonymousCAT]

Hi Nina

I am feeling exactly the same way right now. I just got a bfp last week at 10 dpo but have had spotting since then... mostly light brown or beige and usually only when I wipe but sometimes it gets on the pad. Haven't really had any cramping. I did go to the hospital last week to see if things were okay and they didn't see that much blood, thought it was implantation bleeding. Got blood drawn and they will likely do a repeat draw next week. 13 dpo today and just took another test this morning. Test is getting darker so that's good news right? I don't feel pregnant. I am terrified something is going to go wrong this time, especially with the spotting. Glad to know I am not alone. I am actually afraid to go on the first tri boards for fear of reading scary posts. Just taking it one day at a time right now and trying not to get excited. DH wants to tell his parents, but I don't want anyone to know except my mom until things seem more certain. I can't take the roller coaster of getting excited and then having it all taken away again.

 

[Starry Night]

Totally normal. I was about 20 weeks before I started saying "when baby comes" rather than "if" and I've only just now started to get excited. I was still so nervous and couldn't bring myself to look ahead before now. Us PaL moms are just trying to preserve our hearts that have already been so beaten and bruised.

However, I have found that not letting myself getting attached doesn't take away the pain and devastation when things do go wrong. I get attached in spite of myself, I suppose. I still try to keep distance each time.

Congratulations on your bfp!! Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months to all the ladies here!

 

[Starry Night]

Hi Nina

I am feeling exactly the same way right now. I just got a bfp last week at 10 dpo but have had spotting since then... mostly light brown or beige and usually only when I wipe but sometimes it gets on the pad. Haven't really had any cramping. I did go to the hospital last week to see if things were okay and they didn't see that much blood, thought it was implantation bleeding. Got blood drawn and they will likely do a repeat draw next week. 13 dpo today and just took another test this morning. Test is getting darker so that's good news right? I don't feel pregnant. I am terrified something is going to go wrong this time, especially with the spotting. Glad to know I am not alone. I am actually afraid to go on the first tri boards for fear of reading scary posts. Just taking it one day at a time right now and trying not to get excited. DH wants to tell his parents, but I don't want anyone to know except my mom until things seem more certain. I can't take the roller coaster of getting excited and then having it all taken away again.

Spotting is pretty terrifying. I had bleeding with my son's pregnancy up until 14 weeks and had even more bleeding in the womb that never leaked out until about 25 weeks or so. But he's here now and he's a super happy and healthy toddler approaching his third birthday. Spotting can be a bad sign but sometimes our little ones are stronger than that and are not affected by it. Good luck with your blood draws.

 

[AnonymousCAT]

Thank you, Starry night. I am really hoping it's nothing but can't get out of my mind that it might be something. Your story is encouraging though.

 

[Starry Night]

I'm glad. We all know how spotting can go so it's good to focus on the positive outcomes. Bleeding is so much more common in pregnancy than we realize so I don't know why people don't talk about it more. And most PaL moms I know in real life have had bleeding in their rainbows pregnancies. I don't know why rainbow mommies seem to be the ones to deal with that extra stress.

 

[AnonymousCAT]

Good to know. It seems less today. Nothing when I'm wiping the last 2 times to the washroom. Hoping it stays that way.

 

[Nina83]

Thanks everyone, I hate this feeling, and am sorry others feel this way too.
I got my betas back, 263. It seems low compared to others and I'm too scared to do another one.
I'm starting to feel it, mainly because I think I'm so afraid I'm going to loose this one as well.
I need to stay away from google.

 

[Kimiw]

I have had 2 losses before my current pregnancy so of course I am a complete wreck thinking everything is going to go horribly wrong. I too am scared to bond with my baby, and I use the "if" baby arrives instead of "when" baby arrives. Recurrent losses has sure robbed me of the happiness a newly expectant mother should be feeling. I check often to see if I'm bleeding, when I go to wipe I hold my breath until I can see there is no blood on the toilet paper. It's awful and nobody understands
My worry. Everybody tells me to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, trust me, I would love to!! But I can't!!

 

[Starry Night]

263 doesn't sound horrible for 4+2. If your baby was a late implanter it takes time for the numbers to go higher. If you were 5 weeks with that number I'd be more concerned. It's how the numbers climb more than the exact level. I understand being nervous though. I have no idea what my betas were for my successful pregnancies at that point. The earliest I could ever get betas for was 5ish weeks so the numbers were naturally higher. My son's pregnancy started out as a twins yet this pregnancy was always a singleton and the betas were higher than my son's at the same point. So a single beta level reading is not everything. And yes, stay away from Google.

Kimiw - unless people have been pregnant after recurrent loss they cannot understand that loss of innocence. Our personal histories have taught us that the worst can happen and it can happen more than once. It's good to be as positive as possible but that anxiety is just going to be part of the experience.

 

[Kimiw]

Yeah I know people don't understand if they have not been through it but it is hard. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but I feel like I can't yet. I never got to see a heartbeat with my first two and I'm hoping that will be different this time.

 

[Nina83]

Hi Nina

I am feeling exactly the same way right now. I just got a bfp last week at 10 dpo but have had spotting since then... mostly light brown or beige and usually only when I wipe but sometimes it gets on the pad. Haven't really had any cramping. I did go to the hospital last week to see if things were okay and they didn't see that much blood, thought it was implantation bleeding. Got blood drawn and they will likely do a repeat draw next week. 13 dpo today and just took another test this morning. Test is getting darker so that's good news right? I don't feel pregnant. I am terrified something is going to go wrong this time, especially with the spotting. Glad to know I am not alone. I am actually afraid to go on the first tri boards for fear of reading scary posts. Just taking it one day at a time right now and trying not to get excited. DH wants to tell his parents, but I don't want anyone to know except my mom until things seem more certain. I can't take the roller coaster of getting excited and then having it all taken away again.

Congratulations Dear
Darker test is good, please let us know how your betas came back!
I've heard some women spot around when AF should arrive, if you're 10-13 dpo- that would be the time, no? Or implantation bleeding? Brown blood is old blood.
I know it's not 100% reassuring, but I hope it does reassure you a bit.

We talked about it last night, first time we wanted to wait as long as possible to tell our parents. We had to tell them we had a MMC. Second time we decided to tell them after the first US at 6 weeks. Again, we had to tell them we MC.
We decided to tell our parents this weekend, the thing we need most right now is support and to know our loved ones know and care and are rooting for us.

I don't think I'll be visiting the pregnancy boards. Maybe just join a thread here.

 

[celine]

Nina i never joined the preg threads either after my losses, i stayed and still am on the ttc after loss thread...

Btw HuGE congrats xxx

Im almost in third tri and i still dont quite beleive it, i have an a terior placenta and just last week i couldnt ignore the movements any more so slowly its dawning on me, becoming real that i may end up with a real baby again. With every week i would see how big is the baby and be afraid of losing and mc that size baby. PAL is no fun its a loss of innocence and your joy has been robbed.

 

[AnonymousCAT]

Congratulations Dear
Darker test is good, please let us know how your betas came back!
I've heard some women spot around when AF should arrive, if you're 10-13 dpo- that would be the time, no? Or implantation bleeding? Brown blood is old blood.
I know it's not 100% reassuring, but I hope it does reassure you a bit.

We talked about it last night, first time we wanted to wait as long as possible to tell our parents. We had to tell them we had a MMC. Second time we decided to tell them after the first US at 6 weeks. Again, we had to tell them we MC.
We decided to tell our parents this weekend, the thing we need most right now is support and to know our loved ones know and care and are rooting for us.

I don't think I'll be visiting the pregnancy boards. Maybe just join a thread here.

Thank you. I started having some cramping last night and was still spotting so decided to go to emerge just in case. Betas actually were good! I was 165 at 11 dpo, then 370 at 13 dpo. They said everything was on track that way, but to come back if I get intense cramping or increased bleeding. I see my GP tomorrow. Still spotting lightly. I know some women get implantation bleeding or bleeding around the time AF would arrive (which is right on cue). But you think it would stop by now? I need to stop obsessing though and just see what happens.

Can low progesterone cause spotting? I wonder if taking progesterone supplements would stop it?

I'd like to wait until 6 week scan to tell our families. Maybe I'll change my mind later, who knows. I feel like I need to control something right now, and that's the only thing I can. Yes, I think I'll stay off the first tri boards.

 

[Nina83]

Nina i never joined the preg threads either after my losses, i stayed and still am on the ttc after loss thread...

Btw HuGE congrats xxx

Im almost in third tri and i still dont quite beleive it, i have an a terior placenta and just last week i couldnt ignore the movements any more so slowly its dawning on me, becoming real that i may end up with a real baby again. With every week i would see how big is the baby and be afraid of losing and mc that size baby. PAL is no fun its a loss of innocence and your joy has been robbed.

Thank you Celine, I remember you from a long time ago
I'm just a nervous wreck, although it doesn't help to worry. I just think of what I went through and how sad I was, and don't think I could go through that again.

 

[Stella43]

Hi Nina,

That's so great that you are pregnant.

I think it's normal to feel a bit detached after all that you've been through. I'm sure you will not feel that way if this one sticks, as I've come to say. Once your'e passed the typical miscarriage window, I'm sure you'll start to feel very pregnant whether you want to or not Just be positive, pray if you're inclined to do so;-), and eat healthfully! I think proper eating keeps hormones in check-that's just like my opinion though (smile).

I don't like to bring the subject over to myself, but I was hoping you could check a post you responded to a couple of months back. I posted it about pain after miscarriage. I was hoping you could help me know more about your pain, especially since yours has gotten better. I'm wondering if I have the same thing you did-hoping I'll get better too. If and when you have time...

Thanks & Congratulation Again! Stella43

 

[mummy2b2014]

This probably sounds so stupid to most people but I don't seem to be able to enjoy my pregnancy as I am always worrying about my partner!

When me and my partner first got together 3years ago he was always drinking and taking drugs, he cheated on me very early into it and used to tell a few lies which I always found out in the end.
I thought I had got over that situation and horrible feeling but now i'm starting to re-think this....

We found out I was pregnant at the Beginning of Jan 2014 and since then he has had a few drunken weekends (which l worry about incase he goes back to his old ways plus we have to buy a new car and get a deposit for our flat so money is not good atm and it seems like im the one paying the bills plus trying to save).

He used to tell me everything and now I barely know a thing, he comes home from work and it seems like he'd rather be with his mates always texting them evan though he spends all day at work with them!

Ive started noticing a few little lies come out again.. ie - he told me that every Friday (his payday) him and a friend spend £20 on scratch cards, when his mate came over the other day he slipped up saying £30 - I know this seems silly but is this the start of all the rubbish again?

He tells me during the week we are gonna spend sometime together then when he gets in from work on Saturday its either him having a drink or seeing his friend.

I am currently drained and knackered but have to work as I don't feel I can ask him for anything anymore.. I pay his phone bill and am currently paying of his £2000 debt and yet he borrowed £80 out of our saving account saying he'd pay it back and guess who paid it - me, and also racked up a phone bill of £80 instead of the usual £15 - which I also paid for..

Am I looking into this more or am I right that something is going wrong? I know I am abit moany atm but only because I don't ever seem to get my point across and now im thinking im going mad!!

 

[Chameleon]

mummy2b2014, no you aren't going mad, something is def. wrong. It sounds like your BF is a chronic user; not spending time with you but spending your money is a huge red flag!!

 

[EarthMama]

I have not fully connected to this baby yet. Just as I was starting to tune in, I had 2 episodes of very minor spotting during my 20th week and I found myself getting distant again. Even though the spotting was tiny, I was so devestated and because of my previous losses assumed the worst. I've heard the baby's heartbeat twice since then and am feeling movements so I know baby is okay but I'm worried about premature labor now.

Honestly this pregnancy has been so so hard on me, and I don't know if I will ever do this again. I just want to be 40 weeks already.