I suffer from PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was told that my chances of getting pregnant are slim to none. So I have made the decision to begin trying for a baby! I am supposedly 3dpo and haven't given it much thought, or at least I've been trying not to (lol!).
So I am sitting here at my computer watching a movie and I suddenly felt like I peed myself lol. My immediate reaction was disappointment. I felt like, strangely, I might've gotten my period. It felt exactly the same as when I start my period, if you know what I mean ladies.
With PCOS, your cycles are always irregular, which is why I am doubtful about if I truly ovulated (because some months, my ovary just won't even release an egg).
I of course checked my panties and there is no blood. Just this liquid so I touch just at the opening and I check my finger: milky white liquid.. it's completely odorless, it just looks like a very cloudy water but maybe a little thicker. I started Googling if maybe this was just the sperm coming back out. Everything screamed EARLY PREGNANCY SIGNS. I don't want to get my hopes up and I was honestly feeling like the first few months would just be passing time and trying, but I am so eager to see that positive test..
Everyone I went to high school with keeps getting pregnant and so many others are posting their "baby's first birthday!" and "I can't believe my baby started school this year!" and it bums me out. I'm genuinely happy for them, it just seems like EVERYONE is entering that time in their life where starting a family is just.. what to do. I have always wanted babies and I knew I would someday. But when I got the news about my condition, it completely changed everything. I realized that I, unfortunately, don't get the privilege that my peers do of just taking their time with it and just HOPING that they'll fall pregnant. I actually have to try..
Putting a timer on your fertility is completely life changing especially when you're in your prime years and you've spent your entire life thinking "I've got time, 35 is a lifetime away" but now you're being told you have the hormone levels of a 40 year old woman and "hahaha THAT'S why you have a mustache."
It doesn't help that I am the oldest female in a generation of boys, with 5 aunts, only a mother, and only a grandmother. That's right. All older, guy cousins and the only sibling I was blessed with is an older brother whose only love is virtual worlds and fictional characters. His only girlfriend was when he was like 14, and they kissed at Build-a-Bear before calling it quits.
So yes.. family gatherings consist of "How's your relationship coming along?" "Have you discussed having a baby?" and "I told you, you and that one boy from your senior year would've made the cutest little babies!" My mother's grandmama-itis is strong. She is ready for grandkids and I am the only one to be making any, any time soon lol. Add in the pressure of an aging granny and 5 aunts who can't wait to have another baby to spoil, and oh man.. the pressure is REAL.
But wait! Don't misinterpret this. I WANT a baby.. I just thought I had a comfortable amount of time to just not think about it and stress over when it would happen! But here I sit.. working and living life, and being told that if I'm gonna have a baby of my own, that it is time to start trying NOW.
So I tried. And tried. And ladies.. I am exhausted. And depressed lol. I cannot even put it into words the feeling of being created for one sole purpose and having this.. sense of.. that I just can't lol. I was made to make babies, and I can't even do it. I feel like a broken woman. I feel like a disappointment. And it breaks my heart because I always planned for many children! I waited my entire childhood (the baby fever as a teen and young woman is so intense, is anyone with me?) to grow up and be able to have a life and start a family and just progress and I finally got there, and it was taken from me.
I count myself blessed, because I almost died from blood loss from the cyst that grew to be larger than my uterus itself and ruptured, which led to the discovery of this PCOS. Not to mention, my aunt was told she could never have any babies of her own so at least I am still CAPABLE of making a baby. There are people out there who have it worse. I just never thought I would be one of them. One of those women who has issues with fertility..
So after countless positives that ended in "the egg must've not been able to implant well enough", I am still trying. And typing this, I've already cried a good 4 times and had to walk away to breathe for a moment. Because there is nothing worse than hoping, finally getting a yes, and then losing that opportunity. Everyone says it isn't healthy to hide from it and try to avoid all things "babies" and so after a VERY noticeable symptom, I decided to give in to curiosity and Google.
My mindset when typing into the search bar was that yes.. it was the sperm washing back out. No baby this month. So when every link that popped up once I hit that little magnifying glass was "early pregnancy symptoms", I'm not gonna lie.. I got excited. So after a bunch of reading, I decided to finally enter the TTC forum-sphere.
I am tired of being alone in this, because no man truly understands what it is like. And I know that I am not the only one who struggles with some sort of hormone imbalance or health condition that stands in the way of them and their future blessing(s). I need someone to talk to. I need female advice. And everyone I know, simply sneezes and gets pregnant lol. Nobody gets it so I stopped talking. And now I am ready to talk about this again.
I am scared to test again here in November.
So I am sitting here at my computer watching a movie and I suddenly felt like I peed myself lol. My immediate reaction was disappointment. I felt like, strangely, I might've gotten my period. It felt exactly the same as when I start my period, if you know what I mean ladies.
With PCOS, your cycles are always irregular, which is why I am doubtful about if I truly ovulated (because some months, my ovary just won't even release an egg).
I of course checked my panties and there is no blood. Just this liquid so I touch just at the opening and I check my finger: milky white liquid.. it's completely odorless, it just looks like a very cloudy water but maybe a little thicker. I started Googling if maybe this was just the sperm coming back out. Everything screamed EARLY PREGNANCY SIGNS. I don't want to get my hopes up and I was honestly feeling like the first few months would just be passing time and trying, but I am so eager to see that positive test..
Everyone I went to high school with keeps getting pregnant and so many others are posting their "baby's first birthday!" and "I can't believe my baby started school this year!" and it bums me out. I'm genuinely happy for them, it just seems like EVERYONE is entering that time in their life where starting a family is just.. what to do. I have always wanted babies and I knew I would someday. But when I got the news about my condition, it completely changed everything. I realized that I, unfortunately, don't get the privilege that my peers do of just taking their time with it and just HOPING that they'll fall pregnant. I actually have to try..
Putting a timer on your fertility is completely life changing especially when you're in your prime years and you've spent your entire life thinking "I've got time, 35 is a lifetime away" but now you're being told you have the hormone levels of a 40 year old woman and "hahaha THAT'S why you have a mustache."
It doesn't help that I am the oldest female in a generation of boys, with 5 aunts, only a mother, and only a grandmother. That's right. All older, guy cousins and the only sibling I was blessed with is an older brother whose only love is virtual worlds and fictional characters. His only girlfriend was when he was like 14, and they kissed at Build-a-Bear before calling it quits.
So yes.. family gatherings consist of "How's your relationship coming along?" "Have you discussed having a baby?" and "I told you, you and that one boy from your senior year would've made the cutest little babies!" My mother's grandmama-itis is strong. She is ready for grandkids and I am the only one to be making any, any time soon lol. Add in the pressure of an aging granny and 5 aunts who can't wait to have another baby to spoil, and oh man.. the pressure is REAL.
But wait! Don't misinterpret this. I WANT a baby.. I just thought I had a comfortable amount of time to just not think about it and stress over when it would happen! But here I sit.. working and living life, and being told that if I'm gonna have a baby of my own, that it is time to start trying NOW.
So I tried. And tried. And ladies.. I am exhausted. And depressed lol. I cannot even put it into words the feeling of being created for one sole purpose and having this.. sense of.. that I just can't lol. I was made to make babies, and I can't even do it. I feel like a broken woman. I feel like a disappointment. And it breaks my heart because I always planned for many children! I waited my entire childhood (the baby fever as a teen and young woman is so intense, is anyone with me?) to grow up and be able to have a life and start a family and just progress and I finally got there, and it was taken from me.
I count myself blessed, because I almost died from blood loss from the cyst that grew to be larger than my uterus itself and ruptured, which led to the discovery of this PCOS. Not to mention, my aunt was told she could never have any babies of her own so at least I am still CAPABLE of making a baby. There are people out there who have it worse. I just never thought I would be one of them. One of those women who has issues with fertility..
So after countless positives that ended in "the egg must've not been able to implant well enough", I am still trying. And typing this, I've already cried a good 4 times and had to walk away to breathe for a moment. Because there is nothing worse than hoping, finally getting a yes, and then losing that opportunity. Everyone says it isn't healthy to hide from it and try to avoid all things "babies" and so after a VERY noticeable symptom, I decided to give in to curiosity and Google.
My mindset when typing into the search bar was that yes.. it was the sperm washing back out. No baby this month. So when every link that popped up once I hit that little magnifying glass was "early pregnancy symptoms", I'm not gonna lie.. I got excited. So after a bunch of reading, I decided to finally enter the TTC forum-sphere.
I am tired of being alone in this, because no man truly understands what it is like. And I know that I am not the only one who struggles with some sort of hormone imbalance or health condition that stands in the way of them and their future blessing(s). I need someone to talk to. I need female advice. And everyone I know, simply sneezes and gets pregnant lol. Nobody gets it so I stopped talking. And now I am ready to talk about this again.
I am scared to test again here in November.
I know exactly how you feel having being diagnosed with PCOS in April! There is hope out there as I got my BFP in August after 13months off BC. I made a lot of changes from my diagnosis including cutting out cows dairy and sugar to try and help regulate my cycles. The month which led to our BFP we did OPKs, BBT and both took pre conception vitamins. Tried to DTD every other day and every day when I showed signs of ovulating and it worked! 
!!! Trying to keep a positive mind!
I send you positive thoughts!!! And tons of baby dust!!
