Personnel advice needed about my other half

[sammie13s]

Hi Ladies. I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas. I'm sorry to ask these questions but need to know I'm not over exaggerating this.
I'm nearly 19 weeks pregnant with a little girl. I'm a high risk pregnancy due to losing my daughter at 9 days old and my son was stillborn. This was from my previous partner.
Now my partner matthew who I am with is 28. I'm 32. We're engaged. We have had our ups and downs in this relationship and Iv forgave him for things I know I shouldn't have. But things became really good between us and our differences seem to have settled. I wasn't on any contraception and to be honest I thought I couldn't have anymore children. My periods had been weird for ages and I normally get caught pregnant within the first try. After being with matthew for 13 months I discovered I was pregnant. And I was shocked. Scared and unsure if I wanted the pregnancy. I have a daughter who is 12 and son who is 7 from my first relationship and the whole concept of knowing my baby could die later on in my pregnancy absolutley terrified me.
But matthew has no children. And I loved him. So I couldn't deny this of him right? So I continued with the pregnancy. I went under all the specialist and I'm treated with daily steroids, anti inflammatory drugs, auto immune suppressants and tons more medication. This cocktail of meds have completely changed me. I'm poorly every single day. I'm covered in spots. Iv gained nearly 3 stone. My moods are terrible. I cry all the time and feel I can't go out. This is torture. I'm scanned every two week and I'm thrilled my little girl is doing fine as of now. My problem here is matthew works full time. He comes home to a beautiful clean home. Has his tea made. A bath run and then goes off to meet friends for a gym session. I clean everything up and go to bed. From me waking in the morning to going to bed I don't stop in the house. I just clean and clean to keep my mind distracted. Otherwise I fear I'm going mad. Now on the weekends he wakes on a Saturday and meets his friends for food. Then goes for a gym session. Same on Sundays. I again get up clean all the house, feed the children and do what I can to occupy myself. I don't go out to see friends anymore because I just feel weird all the time. Spaced out. Iv lost contact with them. And nobody comes to see me. I feel like a recluse. Yesterday was Christmas day. I had my family here. I poured myself a little Bailey's as everyone was drinking. They was all happy, merry, laughing and joking and I'm sat there feeling spaced out and braving a smile like I was ok. He turned to me and said I wasn't to drink the Bailey's. To save argument I poured it away.
So iv got up today and he said he was nipping out for half an hour. Which turned into 3 hours. And I did all the cleaning, cooked dinner ECT. I wasn't happy. Then at 4pm he asked to go pub with friends. I agreed but made it clear I wasn't happy. I'm not bothered about him drinking. I'm bothered at the sacrifices I have made. How my life has changed so much these last 5 months. How I have no life. How I do everything. What I would give to go meet all my friends now in the pub for drinks and celebrations. But I choose my baby. I choose to take all these medications for her to be here. And for taking them I'm left like this. A young woman that tries to convince herself everyday she isn't going mad. That cries all the time. I need to know I'm not being selfish here. I just feel so hurt. I'm bored. I'm fed up. I want to feel well. I want the old me back. And he can just swan off out surrounded by laughter and celebrations and I'm sat here alone wiping my tears away. Im furious hes out enjoying himself. I made sacrifices shouldnt he? Why should he be out and im alone. I'm sorry for this long rant. I just need someone to say if I'm in the wrong here xx

 

[sammie13s]

Anyone

 

[Hickory]

First of all, you are never in the wrong for your feelings! They are real and undeniable.

Second, I think it's great you are seeking advice and hope that some ladies here are able to help.

Are you able to talk to Matthew about the way your feeling in a constructive way? Is he good at listening? If not, what is a good way to reach him? When I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings, I write my husband an email. Sounds weird, but it works SO well. We are usually able to have great two-way conversations after I've been able to communicate to him in a way he can understand. He is very black and white, I'm very emotion-driven and don't appear to think logically to him, but somehow I make total sense to him when I write. I can edit, move thoughts around, reread and reword.

Think about how he might be viewing the situation. Perhaps he's oblivious and thinks everything is fine? You don't feel well, so staying home makes sense, and he feels fine, so going out makes sense. Guys don't think much deeper than that. Instead of arguing that point with him, brainstorm things that you could do together to bond over your pregnancy. What do you like to do when you feel like crap? Do you read, watch movies, do puzzles? Think about some things you can do together and plan low-key activities. Give him an attractive reason to spend time with you. Update with baby milestones, like fruit comparisons, what baby can do this week, etc.

If you want more help around the house, think about how he best responds to requests. Does he like lists? Or being asked to do one thing at a time? Does he like advance notice, or something like, "Hey, can you unload the dishwasher real quick? I know it's not much, but it would mean a lot to me."

And one of the most important things you can do is ask how he is feeling about the pregnancy, upcoming baby, and your relationship. Maybe he is worried, resentful, excited, etc and doesn't know how to communicate it, or thinks you don't care.

I hate to say it, but now is the time to strengthen and prepare your relationship. You could be building resentment that you guys won't have time to fix once the baby comes.

Sorry for the babbling .... didn't mean to get so wordy!

 

[sammie13s]

Thankyou so much for your reply. I of course have sat down with matthew so many times and told him how I'm feeling or how I get no help around the house. He is fully aware of the situation. I'm very open when something is bugging me. He is extremely excited for his daughter to be born and he has no worries or concerns that anything will go wrong in this pregnancy. He's a very positive person. He knows I struggle everyday and I think he's probably sick of hearing it. But I have nobody else to confide in. I just feel alone and misunderstood. There's no point in me writing anything to him as I know he wouldn't even take the time to read it. I just feel so upset that he has left me. And I don't know if that sounds selfish of me. He gets to do/go where he wants. As I said meeting with friends every weekend for breakfast whilst I'm stuck indoors upset and scared at how I feel. He's out surrounded by fun, laughter, booze, music enjoying himself doing god knows what and I'm stuck here again. He should be here with me. Or offering to take me and the children out. It's so hard for me to write how I feel or explain without me sounding controlling. And I'm not. I just don't see why I have to make so many changes and sacrifice my life right now for our baby and he isn't xx

 

[sammie13s]

Thankyou so much for your reply. I of course have sat down with matthew so many times and told him how I'm feeling or how I get no help around the house. He is fully aware of the situation. I'm very open when something is bugging me. He is extremely excited for his daughter to be born and he has no worries or concerns that anything will go wrong in this pregnancy. He's a very positive person. He knows I struggle everyday and I think he's probably sick of hearing it. But I have nobody else to confide in. I just feel alone and misunderstood. There's no point in me writing anything to him as I know he wouldn't even take the time to read it. I just feel so upset that he has left me. And I don't know if that sounds selfish of me. He gets to do/go where he wants. As I said meeting with friends every weekend for breakfast whilst I'm stuck indoors upset and scared at how I feel. He's out surrounded by fun, laughter, booze, music enjoying himself doing god knows what and I'm stuck here again. He should be here with me. Or offering to take me and the children out. It's so hard for me to write how I feel or explain without me sounding controlling. And I'm not. I just don't see why I have to make so many changes and sacrifice my life right now for our baby and he isn't xx

 

[Chezzer]

First big hugs. And no your not selfish at all talk to Matthew tell him how u feel. You are very brave too. But I do agree about drinking alcohol during pregnancy it's not good. But just think of the little life inside you she's still there, wait for her kicks. It's good Matthew is excited about his daughter. How about planning date night in the house when the other kids see their dad for u and Matthew some nice food alcohol free wine for u and a movie. X

 

[sammie13s]

Chezza. It was a tiny Bailey's. Nothing major. At least 5 swigs worth may be. Anyway that doesn't matter. Matty knows how I feel everyday. He's fully aware of that. I can't force someone to think for themselves to want to take me on dates ECT. I already feel her move which is a lovely feeling. I'm just so upset x

 

[pandn]

Firstly you can’t help how you feel. No one can say you can’t feel the way you feel.
Next you have to work out why you feel this way.
From what you’ve said, it seems to me that you didn’t want this baby, it was for him. That’s where this stems from. Maybe by changing your mindset, that you want this baby. You are going through all the injections all this for the baby you want so badly.
Take care of yourself both mentally and physically. Go for walks instead of being in the house, fresh air does wonders when your in a crappy mood.
Your partner isn’t helping out right now and is off having fun while your at home. Is there anything stopping you from going out? Does he have to come with you? Or are you happy taking your 2 kids somewhere? If he isn’t listening to you, you can have fun without him. He isn’t the only person you can have fun with.
He is a grown man, it’s not your job to serve him like a maid. He can make his own bath, if your out he can make his own food.
Do you live near your family? Are you close with your family? If so, you can pop by and hang around other adults there.
Waiting around for someone who you resent right now is going to make you more upset and frustrated.
As for Family/date night, prebook book the movie or dinner. He will have to go. Maybe after while it will become a habit.

 

[sammie13s]

Firstly you can’t help how you feel. No one can say you can’t feel the way you feel.
Next you have to work out why you feel this way.
From what you’ve said, it seems to me that you didn’t want this baby, it was for him. That’s where this stems from. Maybe by changing your mindset, that you want this baby. You are going through all the injections all this for the baby you want so badly.
Take care of yourself both mentally and physically. Go for walks instead of being in the house, fresh air does wonders when your in a crappy mood.
Your partner isn’t helping out right now and is off having fun while your at home. Is there anything stopping you from going out? Does he have to come with you? Or are you happy taking your 2 kids somewhere? If he isn’t listening to you, you can have fun without him. He isn’t the only person you can have fun with.
He is a grown man, it’s not your job to serve him like a maid. He can make his own bath, if your out he can make his own food.
Do you live near your family? Are you close with your family? If so, you can pop by and hang around other adults there.
Waiting around for someone who you resent right now is going to make you more upset and frustrated.
As for Family/date night, prebook book the movie or dinner. He will have to go. Maybe after while it will become a habit.

Thankyou for your reply. I can't go out because how poorly I am everyday. Iv been on these steroids along time now and not only does it affect your mental health it ruins your bones and I'm in pain everyday and always spaced out. I do want this baby. I love her so much. I'm just angry at the sacrifices I have made. And that he's fully aware I'm a different person and need support but instead I'm doing everything. All my friends was out over Christmas celebrating the festivities. I couldn't go because of how I feel. And choose to take these meds so his daughter has a chance of life. It was my Christmas too and instead of him going out enjoying himself celebrating he could have done something with me to make me smile. It's how he says he's gone for a couple of hours. Which then turns into 10 hours. And i look the bad person for moaning about it. I do nothing. And i mean nothing. I dont steo foot out of my door. And i see nobody. I know ill be back to my old self when she is here but iv made sacrifices that have completly turned my world upside down. And as i said i did this for HIM. Iv had nasty messages off his friends last night. Calling me a stupid bitch. I don't deserve that at all. After all I'm here carrying his child. He shouted at me when he came in at 6am this morning saying he'd only been on a night out. But where's my nights out or time with friends. Again I don't get it because of how I feel everyday with taking all this medication for our child. I wish someone could just feel how I felt. For that split second. And they would see how hard it is for me. Christmas day I hid behind a smile all day whilst watching him down the booze and jump around and yes apart of me did feel jealous. He's so judgmental with what I can and can't do in this pregnancy. Yet it's ok for him. Because he feels great. He can swan off for hours at a time after work. After Iv sat alone all day with nobody to talk to. He can meet with friends on the weekend in the fancy restaurants having a slap up breakfast whilst I'm at home tooling into cornflakes. And he can go out boxing day getting absolutley shit faced, singing and dancing whilst I'm sat at home alone for 10hrs crying. It's not nice. I'm not controlling. I'm really not. I want understanding. I want him to understand where I'm coming from. And that my life has changed massively for his daughter. I want him to run me a hot bath. Give me a back rub. Take me somewhere nice. Clean the house. He knows I want all this because I tell him. But I get nowhere everytime. He's selfish. And iv told him when he's had a sleep he needs to go. Iv given him enough chances. 3 months ago he went out with friends. Again he was banging me up at 6am in the morning. Last Christmas he did a disappearing act on me and I never heard anything until the following evening. All his friends and family hate me. And it's because of the lies he tells about me. I can't live like this. If he was carrying our daughter and felt the way I did and had zero social life for months I'd spend it all with him making him feel good about him. But no it's Christmas. So I have to let him out. I'm sorry I don't see it that way xx

 

[pandn]

Wow it’s crazy how the meds make you feel... He’s really not being supportive at all. He sounds like a toxic person in your life. What person spreads lies about their significant other to their friends and family? You are the mother of his child, you guys are a couple. What benefit does he get from everyone hating on you? Birthdays, holidays, parties etc involves friends and family gathering together and now that he has made everyone hate you, how will these events be enjoyable for anyone?

I don’t know what suggestions I can give with a person like that. It sounds like no matter what you say it’s not going to get any better. What you decide to do with your relationship is up to you.

What you do need is a different support system, again do you have family nearby? Are you sure you have no friends to talk to? Your only 19 weeks so a few months of not talking your friends they aren’t going to forget you. I’m sure if you reach out and tell them your struggling emotionally with everything they might cheer you up. Or maybe your GP can recommend a place for some counselling.

Mentally you don’t sound like your in a good place. You need to worry about yourself, your kids and little bubs growing inside you.

Sorry that you are going through this

 

[LALSmith]

I completely understand everything you’ve said. I have 2 children already & am pregnant with my third (same father, been together 10 years) and it’s always been a gripe of mine that men want children & we change everything we do & our bodies go through huge changes too but for the male nothing changes. They continue as they always have done. I brought this up with my husband the other week actually & said don’t think your getting wrecked Christmas Day as I can’t. He said yes I can so I simply reminded him that he wanted this baby & he should have to make some changes too, why should it be all on me. To be fair to him he doesn’t go out like your OH, he works a lot & comes home to me & the kids every night. Doesn’t go gym or anything so it deff sounds like your putting up with a lot more. If I were you I’d remind him that if he’s so excited to be a dad he needs to be there more now, not just when she’s born. Personally I don’t think he should be going out that often anyway! He should want to spend more time with you. I’d speak to him & if he doesn’t seem bothered & continues as he is, give him an ultimatum. Is there anywhere you can stay for a few days to make him realise that your serious & your not going to grow his child & get absolutely no help or attention in return?

As for the baileys thing I think that’s totally out of order that he can tell you not to drink but he has no interest in meeting half way & not drinking himself. It’s almost like you being pregnant means he has more control. Many people believe it’s unsafe to drink during pregnancy but the odd small glass once in a while doesn’t hurt so I’m sure a few sips of baileys wouldn’t be a problem. Woman change A LOT to have children so I don’t think it hurts to have a small drink for your own enjoyment & sanity especially as he continues to most nights !

 

[Hoping4numbr3]

@sammie13s I am reading this all just shaking my head and feeling angry. No to all of this. I wouldn't put up with that and you do not need to either. I think you made the right call of telling him to go. If he is like this now there is a good chance it will get worse not better. When the baby is born it is a lot of work and it sounds like he isn't even willing to help now when there isn't a crying baby around who needs a lot of care. I am sorry that the meds are making you so sick and we do sacrifice a lot as moms. As for the baileys.. I doubt it would have done any harm but everyone views this differently. Red wine used to be fine when I had my kids back in 2009 and 2010
(a glass of course not a bottle lol). Oh how things change. Your OH seems like he is still immature and just wants to party. If he isn't listening to your feelings at all he doesn't care about you. I am really sorry you are going through all of this. I wish you could just go out as much as him to a friends or something so he can wonder what you are doing all day. Letting his friends call you the B word. NO NO NO. Omg... so many no's. BIG HUGS TO YOU!

 

[Prayforaboy]

you cannot make yourself miserable constantly worrying about what hes doing that is upsetting. Choose you. Instead of letting his decisions dictate your feelings let him do as he pleases and do the same for yourself. Plan things with your kids even if it has to be at home just a board game here and there. Find happiness in them. I myself like to pick a day to stock up on pampering supplies run a hot bath and just doll myself up. even if its for nothing but to make myself feel good. As for housework that is hard for everyone. My S.O. doesn't do much around the house either he calls it women's work but instead of wasting my breath begging i found out how satisfying it is to accomplish things yourself. You sound like a super strong women that is way more independent than you think. Embrace that. Men do not see things that we do. They do not understand appreciation over expectation. They way too easily just get used to us taking care of them and they do not think anything else of it. But if there is one thing i have learned its to not let your happiness be decided by the actions of another person. Stay strong momma

 

[wifeybby]

Hi Sammie I feel like I don’t have much to say that would be helpful; I just agree that I would feel the same way you do. I think he needs to wake up and realize this is happening, you’re not happy with how things are going, and that now there is a baby involved. All the time he’s out fucking off could be at least be partly spent bonding with baby, you and the kids. It’s not right IMO. I had a friend who’s bf was very distant, always out in the garage with his friends and going out constantly while she was home cleaning, cooking, parenting, sober. It hurt and angered me to see her like this, and I just see similarities between you and her situation wise.

I know and heard you that he wouldn’t read what you wrote, and as crummy as that is, I would try a text. DH and I can really talk better via text than in real life when things get too hard. Sounds stupid and millennial, but it works.

All in all, just wanted to lend some support and say that your feelings aren’t wrong, you’re not selfish, and I don’t know much that one could do to deserve this.

 

[Bella1185]

Haven’t read the replies but I’m sure the ladies who replied have given you lots of good advice! Personally I couldn’t put up with any of that or anyone telling me what to do/eat/drink etc but it sounds as if you’re willing to work through that so Here’s my two cents :


-You can’t depend on him to make you happy, and you can’t expect him to read your mind. You should expect him to respect you and be reasonable and you can kindly and firmly tell him so. Lead by example, tell him and show him what you expect.


In my experience, men do well if you’re just direct and calm with them. Gotta really s p e l l i t o u t for them (like dealing with a child or small animal ).


First before you speak with him, decide what you want from him, what behaviors you can tolerate and what you can’t. Then decide what you can do to make yourself happy and when you’d like to do those things. I’d try speaking with him sometime when you’re feeling calm and say it all simply. Something like (this is just an example). “Matthew, I love you and I am excited for our future together. Im glad you’re my partner and I want to be able to count on you for helping with things. I could really use help with the dishes/laundry/XYZ. Also, I have arranged to get my nails done on Thursday and am having my friends over to play some board games afterward. I’d like to do something as a couple too sometime. Is there anything you’d like for us to do together?” (You’d obviously phrase it your own way but you get the idea).



Couples Counseling can really help open up the lines of communication. Most churches offer it for free as do a lot of non profit pregnancy centers. Usually it’s not judgey or anything like that it just teaches you each how to really tune in to one another.



Andddddd then if he just can’t or won’t change then I’d be done with him sorry to say it as nobody wants to hear that, but if he’s not willing to meet you in the middle with those simple things then it won’t get better when the baby is here.


Either way you’re a strong woman and you can do this!


ETA : regarding the Baileys - there is zero evidence that one drink or even several spread throughout pregnancy will harm a baby. I was just speaking with my doctor about this today and some providers even suggest a glass of wine for blood pressure reasons or muscle tension. Clearly nobody says go chug bottles or vodka but this whole “no drinking at all! your baby will be ruined if you have a sip” is a newer concept and has gotten out of hand.




Best of luck to you!