Planned pregnancy but now regretting it. :(

[cmu_17]

I have 3 children. My youngest only about 1 1/2. I've only been with my present partner since june of 2013 but we both agreed to try to have another child. We have not been together long but have known each other for almost 9 years and are engaged to be married within the next month. I am only 5 weeks pregnant today. When I took the test we were both excited. Since then, we've begun to argue constantly. Now I'm starting to regret getting pregnant and even second guess the marriage. The father of my youngest child and I split up around the same time me and my fiancé got together. He just recently started a new relationship and I'm not sure now that my feelings for him are completely gone. I'm starting to feel guilty for not trying harder to keep my family together with him I'm not sure if it's just hormones but my mind is all over the place, as you can see. Can anyone relate to this situation at all? I can't even sleep I've had so much anxiety over this. I feel terrible for even trying to get pregnant now that I feel this way.

 

[squirrel.]

I wish I had some advice for you, it sounds like you're having a difficult time. All I can suggest is that hormones are so out of control right now and are probably making you feel extremes of everything you might normally feel. Pregnancy is an amazingly complex time for us emotionally.

With my first, we weren't trying, instead we conceived him when I was really ill on the pill and didn't use any back-up protection the next week when he was conceived. It was very tough to get my head round the fact that we were going to be having a baby. We were weeks from the end of term with our teaching jobs after we'd both handed in our notices to go travelling for a year in NZ (travelling around and then settling to work in Wellington). I couldn't believe our dream (we'd been planning it for four years) was over. Those first ten weeks were tough and I had very sombre, dark and lonely thoughts, but then I saw my baby jumping around on the screen at a 10-week ultrasound and instantly the darkness melted away. I still had to let myself adjust to our changed life, but I was filled with a love for my baby that only grew with every ultrasound we had. We still ended up going to NZ, but came back after 5 months in time for the birth.

I think it's understandable that you have mixed emotions; it sounds like it's been a rollercoaster for you since the summer. You say you feel guilt over not being with your previous partner, but if there were good reasons for breaking up with him at the time, then you need to try and remember what they were. I would suggest talking to your new partner about how you're feeling. Maybe he's feeling nervous too and that's what's causing friction between you.

I wish you the best of luck and sorry if I don't have much advice!! Be gentle on yourself.

x

ETA: I forgot to mention that when I was pregnant with my son, my emotions towards my ex changed considerably. We'd had a fractious five-year relationship, which had ended terribly. I had emotionally pulled away from him in the end because he was very emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I'd hated him for it and even when he sent me very apologetic messages in the years that followed I was still filled with hurt. However, when I was pregnant, I reread those messages and felt a warm feeling for him again. I can't explain why, but being pregnant made me forget the horrible times and made me remember how nice he could occasionally be. I didn't still feel for him, I never could after what he did and the love I feel for my husband could never be broken, especially not by fond memories of a previous partner. However, my feelings did change and it was pregnancy that caused it. Maybe something similar is happening with you?

 

[MummyJade]

Massive hugs....

I have only been with my partner since June too.. And when I found out I felt like you did.. Not so much regret but worry and hormones times that worry about 1000!

I worried that this relationship would end the same as my relationship with my daughters dad... And I would be alone again... Im 9 weeks now and since xmas day the worry went... And got better... I think nothing in life is certain and you gotta live it and try to enjoy it...

The bit where you said your ex is in a new relationship and you wasnt sure how you felt, that I think is normal... I have no feelings for my ex but you do sometimes wish you could of worked for the sake of the kids. cos you dont always want your kids having a broken home so to say... Hope that makes sense x

 

[Left wonderin]

Hang in there sounds like your feelings are all mixed up,with your hormones ! I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now !

 

[lala222]

I agree not to make any big decisions right now...I know with my hormones being crazy lately I've been arguing with my hubby over everything!! These hormones will make you weepy, sad, mad, then happy then repeat all over again! maybe think about it more later when your hormones have settled a bit (second trimester I guess they average out) and maybe you'll see things more clearly. HUGS!

 

[momof2tobe]

I can't really relate to your situation but i just wanted to send you a big hug!
I would blame it all on pregnancy hormones. I love my husband very much and we usually dont fight, but whenever I'm pregnant we fight a lot and I'm just always mean to him.
Just know, that it all gets better.

 

[cmu_17]

Thank you all do much. I've been feeling a lot better since last night. I'm thinking it is the hormones! I'm hoping it wont be up and down like this because I eould love to be able to enjoy this pregnancy! I usually have terrible morning sickness and have to take Zofran but this time I haven't had it at all. I'm hoping everything will get a little easier as time goes on.

 

[tddunn]

Well I know this isn't a relationship advice forum but I think you have a lot to think about. At 5 weeks your hormones may be a little out of sorts, but I'm sure in all honesty they probably are not the reason for all of your anxiety. It seems like you have some personal issues that need to be worked out before this baby arrives. You may also need to answer a few questions for yourself such as, have you actually thought about the possibility of still having feelings for your ex before now, or is it just because he is with someone else? Do you feel as if you rushed into a relationship with your current partner, and are the issues you are having with him things that can be worked out? No matter what you have a baby on the way and you need to deal with these things now instead of letting things stress you out. It is best to deal with them now and as smoothly as possible. I wish you all the best and hope that it all works out for the best in everybody in this situation.

 

[Belle Shine]

I think it is very easy to start looking at what you think might be greener grass on the other side, especially when arguments and hormones collide.

Try to look back to what you were feeling and the reasons you had for wanting to try for this child and get married. If they were because of the love and good things in your relationship then try to see those things again.

But, if there was an element of rebound or something else that led to those decisions then I think you need to address those. And overcome them.

I think we can all start to question things when an ex moves on, it is a natural response but it doesn't necessarily mean you want that person back, it is often just a resentment that the other person can give someone else the things they never gave you.

I would say to throw everything into what you have right now, start to try and enjoy what you have. If it is right for you then it should become easier and more natural to enjoy it. If something isn't working out the the effort you put in will show that something still isn't where you want it to be and maybe you can work together to fix it.

I hope things feel a bit better now. I think we all have wobbles and it is good to get them out.

Xx

 

[Gib1919]

Hi there. I wanted to say that I completely understand what you are going thru. Women in "perfect marriages" have they're own set of problems so don't try to make yourself crazy with ur present situation. From what I have seen, perfect now isn't always later and vice versa. The only way to ever know is to give time, time.

I am feeling the same way and I have a husband who adores the ground I walk on. Although we have been trying, recently we have had problems and this pregnancy came as a total surprise. I'm sorry to say I don't agree with the lady who wrote the first reply. A lot is hormones and some is environmental. I'm not being negative but remember u can't know what will happen with him the future. You just need to know for yourself that if you put your current situation aside, and look at the whole picture with him. I think talking to someone to express how you feel and to realize that a lot of these emotions are normal may help. I know I feel awful for having these moments where I think I just can't have this child and it was too soon. But that's part if life. Change is hard and it's our first human reaction to fear change. Plus I think it would be a little abnormal to not question how this will change your life. It shows you are taking it seriously. I hope everything works out...

 

[Radiance]

I never regretted any of my pregnancies but with my second, I absolutely hated my husband. I had found out some things the night we actually conceived him. It destroyed not only how I felt about everything but it hurt are relationship deeply. We fought constantly and I couldn't stand him my whole pregnancy. For me, my hormones definitely heightened my feelings and everything. After delivery we were able to really start healing and targeting those areas. This is our eighth and we have had some little arguments a lot this week and we normally never fight... I know it's the pregnancy. And as far as perfect marriages or relationships, there is no such thing. I know a lot of our family and especially friends think we are absolutely amazing because we have no problems and this and that... not true!! We just don't go around sharing or showing them to others... it's between me and him.

*With one of our babies, I actually didn't feel physically attracted to him like I normally am. It was all pregnancy. I tend to find the guys that are not attractive to me, attractive during pregnancy. It's weird.

 

[smoore]

I notice this thread is really old.. I wonder how things turned out for the OP.