PND Support Thread

[Raggydoll]

I'm not really sure how this will turn out, I don't know what I'm doing, so here goes...
My son's 24 days old now. At first I thought I had the baby blues, but it's not going away, and it's taking over my life. I love Connor, but not in the 'right' way. I feel the same for him as I feel for my baby half sister, who's 9 weeks old but I've only met twice. I feel frustrated that FOB felt that strong bond that you're 'supposed' to feel, but I haven't.
I haven't got the will to do anything for Connor. I do it because I have to, but everytime he needs feeding or changing, or whatever I just think 'for God's sake'. I do do everything for him, but hate it. And I feel like such an evil bitch. Everytime he cries, I just want to die, I try to comfort him yet I'm crying myself, feeling such a stupid failure and knowing he deserves better.
But at the same time, I worry about him EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. I'm up checking him at night, making sure he's breathing, he's not too hot, that he's ok. I'm so scared of SIDS that I hardly sleep myself. It's irrational I know, but I can't help it.
Trying to breastfeed, it's so f*cking hard. I hate it. I sit there looking into his beautiful face, trying to feel a powerful bond, but there's nothing there. Lost my appetite, I'm sure that's why breastfeeding is becoming such a challenge, why he seems to feed constantly but is still hungry.
... I'm so lost. How did a straight A student who was on her way to becoming something in the medical profession (I wanted to BE a midwife, not get pregnant and SEE a midwife) get in this situation??? So I'm on benefits, living at home, single, wanting to go back to finish my education, but not sure how. Things got complicated before having Connor, I would have had to do some night classes anyway. But now I'm stuck. How can I finish it all? Get to uni? So scared about the future, all this stuff going on with higher education and the government. How am I going to afford uni, get a good job and get off benefits??? I want to be able to pay for Connor myself, not scrounge off the government and tax payers...
I've had depression in the past, and all those feelings are back, but 10 times worse, added to the fact that I'm exhausted looking after Connor. My doctor warned me that if I got pregnant, there was a good chance I'd suffer from perinatal or postnatal depression. So I got the implant, which FAILED
The enjoyment's gone from everything. I mean, it's cold snowy weather, and nearly Christmas. Normally, I'd be the happiest person about, going on walks in the snow, getting over excited about Christmas, making all the presents look amazing with bows and ribbons on, dancing around to Christmas music and annoying the hell out of everyone. But I can't even be bothered to get dressed.
I'm scared of getting help. I don't want people to think I'm a stupid pathetic teen parent. I don't want anyone to think I'm not caring for Connor, because I am, just not enjoying it. Also scared of being seen as an attention seeker, or of making a fuss over nothing.

Sorry, this has turned into a rather self centred, self pitying post... But it kind of feels better to have wrote it down...

Sweetie, please get help. I felt exactly the same with Macy. I was diagnosed with PND and was given antidepressants when she was just over 2 weeks old. I've now been on them almost 3 weeks and was feeling better but after poor sleep the past few days I'm a wreck and feeling back to square one again. I can barely function today and have a psychiatric nurse coming to see me on Tues.

The bond with your LO will come, I promise. I didn't bond with Macy straight away - I didn't want anything bad to happen to her and didn't have any feelings of hurting her but I didn't have the bond you're talking about. I fed her, I changed her, cuddled her etc. but I just felt nothing - the same way I'd feel about a friends baby. I dreaded her crying and would much rather my OH or someone else dealt with her. When she was 12days old I couldn't cope and my Mum took her overnight, in the morning I didn't want to go back for her!

But the past week I've been looking at her and just completely overwhelmed with love and when I cuddle her I can feel this amazing bond, it took a while as she's 5 weeks now but I really do love her so much.

It gets easier but you have to speak to someone and let them know how you feel. I'm on medication (Citalopram) that takes the edge off the moodiness, anxiety and hopelessness but I still have bad days. I can cope a bit better now though as I'm beginning to know Macy - it's easier for me to look after her and I also told a couple of friends what I was going through so they're always checking up on me and making sure I'm okay.

PM me if you want to talk anymore about what you're going through, I really hope you feel better soon xxx

Glad things are getting better for you Starsdust, you're doing a great job. x

 

[Raggydoll]

(MOST PEOPLE WILL BE USED TO ME MAKING POSTS LIKE THIS-SORRY)
I have been diagnosed with PND and being very anxious.
I get this feeling almost every month where I think OMG what am I doing, Why did I have all the feelings, emotions and thoughts that I did.
Its quite unexplainable but I was a bit like what is this why am I upset I just felt like I was going crazy. I had a sudden rush of adrenaline/Anxiety???

I don't know. I just want to go into hospital until I'm me again I feel lost, crazy, mad, weird all sorts oh and everything looks and feels different and weird

Anybody ???

Hope you're ok hun. Sorry I've not looked at this thread for a while. Did you manage to get some help.

You're not going crazy. PM me if you need to talk. x

 

[phuzz82]

Hi all. This is the first time I've ever subscribed to a forum like this; my husband found this site and emailed me the link. I've been suffering with PND since having my boy in February this year. 10 months down the line I've failed to bond with him, I've been on 3 different types of ADs, had 4 months of councilling and was signed off work for nearly 3 months. Life has been extremely rough and rotten but it is reassuring reading some of these posts to realise that I'm not the only one. I spend most days just going through the motions of life; I feel like I'm living in a bubble. I've had many dark thoughts that often scare me. So that's me in a nutshell these days. I look forward to chatting to you all and hope that I may be able to offer support as well as hopefully get some in return!

 

[annawrigley]

It makes me really angry (with myself) when I see people say "it's all worth it". For me, its not. At all

Does anyone know if counsellors work on weekends? I really need to talk to somebody, I'm done doing this on my own, but I'm at college all week and by the time I finish and get home Noah is pretty much straight to bed so I don't have a spare moment in the week xx

 

[Raggydoll]

Hi all. This is the first time I've ever subscribed to a forum like this; my husband found this site and emailed me the link. I've been suffering with PND since having my boy in February this year. 10 months down the line I've failed to bond with him, I've been on 3 different types of ADs, had 4 months of councilling and was signed off work for nearly 3 months. Life has been extremely rough and rotten but it is reassuring reading some of these posts to realise that I'm not the only one. I spend most days just going through the motions of life; I feel like I'm living in a bubble. I've had many dark thoughts that often scare me. So that's me in a nutshell these days. I look forward to chatting to you all and hope that I may be able to offer support as well as hopefully get some in return!

Hey Hun. Welcome to BnB. Sorry you're having such a difficult time. My daughter was born in January and I was diagnosed with PND just over a week after she was born. I'm doing better now but it's been a long journey including time in hospital.
Feel free to PM me. There is great support here. Baby club/toddler club is lovely too. X

 

[Raggydoll]

It makes me really angry (with myself) when I see people say "it's all worth it". For me, its not. At all

Does anyone know if counsellors work on weekends? I really need to talk to somebody, I'm done doing this on my own, but I'm at college all week and by the time I finish and get home Noah is pretty much straight to bed so I don't have a spare moment in the week xx

Hi Anna. I know in my area the Crisis team are available out of hours. My GP referred me to them. They are available 24/7 but will only do short term support.

Is it possible to arrange to see your counsellor evenings/weekends. I've found it hard to make time to see my counsellor since I've been at work but it must be harder with college.

X

 

[annawrigley]

Thank you, I'll ask my GP about it. I just didnt want to make a doctors appointment only to be told they don't work weekends xx

 

[phuzz82]

Does anyone know if counsellors work on weekends? I really need to talk to somebody, I'm done doing this on my own, but I'm at college all week and by the time I finish and get home Noah is pretty much straight to bed so I don't have a spare moment in the week


my GP has mentioned a telephone councilling service called i-talk. It might be worth considering as it may be easier to fit in around your hectic life? xx

 

[~Mummy~]

Hi all, I'm just looking for some advice/opinions on anyone who has gone through the same I'm going through.

My baby had her 8 week check up yesterday and the HV told me to fill up the PND questionnaire, I scored 19/30 which she seemed to think was pretty bad.
Then she proceeded to ask me stuff about my questions, which is fair enough, but my OH was right next to me, so I'm there nearly crying and trying not to say too much as not to worry my OH and now he is really worried.
She also asked if I had been depressed before, and I said yes, and she just wouldn't drop it, so I had to tell her about when I was younger and tried to kill myself. My OH knew this, but we never really discussed it. And now he's really scared...

So now I have to see the HV every week next month and she said if it doesn't improve I'll have to see the doctor. I told her I don't want to take any kind of medication, but she said I might not have a choice.
I'm just feeling now that I should have lied about how I feel to avoid all this now, I really don't want to take anti depressants and I certainly don't want to be speaking about my feelings every week to someone who I don't even know if she's qualified or not...
The thing is, some days I feel really great, but others I just feel so lonely that I can't stop crying. And then I feel really guilty, because my baby is so good, she is so well behaved and I've got no right to feel like I can't cope because she is so easy going...

 

[Raggydoll]

Hi all, I'm just looking for some advice/opinions on anyone who has gone through the same I'm going through.

My baby had her 8 week check up yesterday and the HV told me to fill up the PND questionnaire, I scored 19/30 which she seemed to think was pretty bad.
Then she proceeded to ask me stuff about my questions, which is fair enough, but my OH was right next to me, so I'm there nearly crying and trying not to say too much as not to worry my OH and now he is really worried.
She also asked if I had been depressed before, and I said yes, and she just wouldn't drop it, so I had to tell her about when I was younger and tried to kill myself. My OH knew this, but we never really discussed it. And now he's really scared...

So now I have to see the HV every week next month and she said if it doesn't improve I'll have to see the doctor. I told her I don't want to take any kind of medication, but she said I might not have a choice.
I'm just feeling now that I should have lied about how I feel to avoid all this now, I really don't want to take anti depressants and I certainly don't want to be speaking about my feelings every week to someone who I don't even know if she's qualified or not...
The thing is, some days I feel really great, but others I just feel so lonely that I can't stop crying. And then I feel really guilty, because my baby is so good, she is so well behaved and I've got no right to feel like I can't cope because she is so easy going...

It's really hard but it's good you didn't lie hun.

Your HV seems to have been a bit abrupt. Nobody can force you to take anti depressants. There are plenty of other treatments available without using medication.

Although I have used anti depressants to treat my PND a lot of my improvment has come from counselling, CBT and occupational therapy.

It's hard to not feel guilty, I was the same, my little girl was so good but I would be in floods of tears because I just felt like I was doing a terrible job. Try and remember it's totally out of your control. You're doing a great job by talking about it.

Take care. x

 

[08marchbean]

Thank you, I'll ask my GP about it. I just didnt want to make a doctors appointment only to be told they don't work weekends xx

they do, but there is a longer waiting list. at least in my area anyway bu i would assume its the same most places.

 

[monets_garden]

I have been feeling detached from my baby recently, to the point where I was alone with her all day today, and I felt like I was babysitting someone else's baby. I felt guilty for feeling this way.

I am a SAHM, so it's hard to just be me and her 24/7... DH isn't much help b/c he's so wrapped up in work lately.

finally I got out of the house today after DH came home. I felt better when I got home, but I still feel distant.

does it get better?

**I already take antidepressants

 

[phuzz82]

I have been feeling detached from my baby recently, to the point where I was alone with her all day today, and I felt like I was babysitting someone else's baby. I felt guilty for feeling this way.

I am a SAHM, so it's hard to just be me and her 24/7... DH isn't much help b/c he's so wrapped up in work lately.

finally I got out of the house today after DH came home. I felt better when I got home, but I still feel distant.

does it get better?

**I already take antidepressants

i've never bonded with my boy. when i was on maternity leave i would make sure each day was fully packed with out doors activities and visits as i dreaded being home alone with him. i felt overwhelmed at the thought of being responsible for another human being; i was convinced something bad would happen. i continue to feel guilty for not loving him and each day is a struggle. like you, i always feel a little better when i've been out and had a break from him. i would love to tell you with confidence that it gets better but the truth is i have no idea! i sincerely hope that it does! i just wanted to reply to let you know that you're not the only one that feels this way. there are thousands of us out there but no one seems to talk to openly about it. stay strong xx

 

[phuzz82]

p.s do have any groups near you that you could go to? i live near several childrens centres where i have met some fab people that have given me lots of support.

 

[aliss]

I'm having a very low day today. LO put up a huge fight for his morning nap and it took 30 min before OH went in to settle him (instantly). I'm still feeling depressed over Alex's colic and the whole thing reminded me of a colic episode. Add to that, a friend (nurse) who texted me to complain she's "sooo sleep deprived" after working overnight on Christmas, I feel like punching her in the face (btw I worked the same shifts as a 911 dispatcher for 7 years so it's not like I don't know that type of shifts). Kidding me? I HAVEN'T SLEPT A FULL NIGHT OR EVEN 1-2 WAKINGS SINCE JULY 2009.

This whole thing set off some anger in me. Then I start getting upset over the labour. Ugh.

And another thing, why do women say they had 'traumatic labour' yet say they would do it all over again??? How on earth can that be traumatic? Are you kidding me? I'm sorry, no. You may have had complications, maybe serious ones, but you are not traumatized if you could easily go do another one. I couldn't post that anywhere but here, I'm sorry. I'm so angry today.

 

[phuzz82]

this last week has been awful for me. i don't know where to go from here. i've been on 3 different types of ad and each time i've changed meds i've kept the left overs of the old ones. i've contemplated many times taking them all. i feel desperate. my husband is very supportive but i can't be completely honest with him as i don't want him to worry about me. today when i was driving down a country lane i seriously considered driving my car off the road and into a tree; the only reason i didn't is because my baby was in the car too and he doesn't deserve that. wtf am i doing with my life? i hate being a 'mum', i hate not coping and i hate everything about me at the moment. my situation isn't as bad as others who post on here but i am desperate and only clinging on by a thread

 

[aliss]

this last week has been awful for me. i don't know where to go from here. i've been on 3 different types of ad and each time i've changed meds i've kept the left overs of the old ones. i've contemplated many times taking them all. i feel desperate. my husband is very supportive but i can't be completely honest with him as i don't want him to worry about me. today when i was driving down a country lane i seriously considered driving my car off the road and into a tree; the only reason i didn't is because my baby was in the car too and he doesn't deserve that. wtf am i doing with my life? i hate being a 'mum', i hate not coping and i hate everything about me at the moment. my situation isn't as bad as others who post on here but i am desperate and only clinging on by a thread

Yes it is hun if you are having suicidal thoughts. Nothing is worse than thinking of suicide. Have you been honest with your doctor about suicidal thoughts and keeping the old meds?

 

[phuzz82]

Yes it is hun if you are having suicidal thoughts. Nothing is worse than thinking of suicide. Have you been honest with your doctor about suicidal thoughts and keeping the old meds?

i told my gp that i felt like i wanted to go to bed and not wake up. i didn't tell him i had kept the old pills.

 

[aliss]

Yes it is hun if you are having suicidal thoughts. Nothing is worse than thinking of suicide. Have you been honest with your doctor about suicidal thoughts and keeping the old meds?

i told my gp that i felt like i wanted to go to bed and not wake up. i didn't tell him i had kept the old pills.

I would tell him or your counselor (whichever you have) the honest truth - about driving the car and having the pills Those are much more serious thoughts than just 'not waking up'.

 

[jamielou]

Hey all,

I've posted on here before but never really done anything but just wanted to update that i am finally going to get help. I have a doctors appt tuesday as i finally have realised that i haven't been myself since i had my child and it's taken me this long to realise it. Since he ws born my moods have been ever changeable. I started off by going completely off the rails and realising my husband wasn't the one for me, chucked him out and had a few months of being quite promiscuious then i met another man and he has since moved in who i am still with. All through these months i am constantly on edge, always have the feeling people are digging at me or hate me and i'm ashamed to say it but some days i have little patience with my son and have a couple of times had to take him to his dad as i've felt so worthless.

The last few weeks have defintely told me that something is wrong. I've felt low constantly and had no energy to do anything like keeping the flat clean (which i am always so hot on) and i've dropped from 10 stone to 8 stone nothing in very little time, i rarely eat as food doesn't appeal to me anymore. i'm constantly on edge about nothing, very hard to explain.

then i've suddenly become angry. I've never been an angry person in my life but when i argue now i have urges to hit people (NEVER my son thank god, he is the only one that i can turn to and hug and it makes everything better for a bit) but my partner for sure and that's not me. it's like i'm a differentperson. I've always been calm and the one that sorts things out so i've finally decided to take the step and talk...

i will update on this and hopefully if things get better for me i can be there to talk to others about it. All i can say is don't let it go on so long or fool yourself into thinking other people have caused you to changr or find something else to blame. if you ever feel the way i do talk and ask for help. depression isn't a sign of weakness, there is something wrong and don't try to be strong and bottle it up, it doesn't work and it gets more severe and you end up hating yourself.

x