PND Support Thread

[detterose]

Thought I would finally introduce myself to this thread... I had my LO 3 weeks ago. Everything was great, labour and birth went well apart from LO having cord wrapped around his neck three times and resulted in it snapping off the placenta still inside me. We were both fine though.

We attempted BFing straight away.. However the midwife placed LO on my chest to find the boob and he incorrectly latched and fed for an hour really damaging my nipple. I then expressed from this breast for a couple of days to rest it and fed him from the other side. We would top him up with the expressed milk, however mistakenly in bottles, which he eventually took to over me. He's an impatient baby and a fussy eater so the bottles were like heaven to him. We tried several times to get him back to the breast with no avail. I ended up exclusively pumping after this so he was still getting breast milk, as I was producing plenty to do so. I ended up getting severe mastitis though and my nipples were beyond cracked from multiple attempts of trying to feed so putting him back on was out of the question. So I pumped, every god damn two hours. I would set my alarm. But it got to the point where the ducts were so blocked and the pump just wasn't effective enough that nothing was coming out. I really thought my boobs were going to explode by this point.

I went to my work, as I work for a doctors surgery and she said it was the worst case she had seen. So I came in for daily injections and had a two week course of antibiotics. By this point, I was so depressed and exhausted from the ordeal I decided to give up my attempts of trying to BF. So not wanting to risk mastitis again and dry up my milk naturally, I asked for bromocriptine.

We then had bub having expressed breast milk I had refrigerated and frozen through the day and formula at night. But we went through the breast milk quicker then I had expected. By day 6 of being on the tablets, I felt withdrawn from my own baby. I didn't want to hold him, when he woke for a feed, I dreaded it.. I felt like giving up BFing, I had completely lost a bond with him. Being on formula, he was power spewing and still wanting to be fed every hour and a half to two hours.. When he spewed, I would scream and cry and want to run away and never come back. Eventually, I decided it was time to talk to someone.. I'm now on Prozac, this being day 4. I still don't feel the strong bond that everyone talks about... Of course when he's content and staring at me, I love him to bits but I never seem to miss him if I leave the house by myself, I look forward to it and it makes me feel like the worst person in the world

I really hope someone can tell me they went through this and eventually came out stronger because right now I feel hopeless

 

[Kelly M]

Thought I would finally introduce myself to this thread... I had my LO 3 weeks ago. Everything was great, labour and birth went well apart from LO having cord wrapped around his neck three times and resulted in it snapping off the placenta still inside me. We were both fine though.

We attempted BFing straight away.. However the midwife placed LO on my chest to find the boob and he incorrectly latched and fed for an hour really damaging my nipple. I then expressed from this breast for a couple of days to rest it and fed him from the other side. We would top him up with the expressed milk, however mistakenly in bottles, which he eventually took to over me. He's an impatient baby and a fussy eater so the bottles were like heaven to him. We tried several times to get him back to the breast with no avail. I ended up exclusively pumping after this so he was still getting breast milk, as I was producing plenty to do so. I ended up getting severe mastitis though and my nipples were beyond cracked from multiple attempts of trying to feed so putting him back on was out of the question. So I pumped, every god damn two hours. I would set my alarm. But it got to the point where the ducts were so blocked and the pump just wasn't effective enough that nothing was coming out. I really thought my boobs were going to explode by this point.

I went to my work, as I work for a doctors surgery and she said it was the worst case she had seen. So I came in for daily injections and had a two week course of antibiotics. By this point, I was so depressed and exhausted from the ordeal I decided to give up my attempts of trying to BF. So not wanting to risk mastitis again and dry up my milk naturally, I asked for bromocriptine.

We then had bub having expressed breast milk I had refrigerated and frozen through the day and formula at night. But we went through the breast milk quicker then I had expected. By day 6 of being on the tablets, I felt withdrawn from my own baby. I didn't want to hold him, when he woke for a feed, I dreaded it.. I felt like giving up BFing, I had completely lost a bond with him. Being on formula, he was power spewing and still wanting to be fed every hour and a half to two hours.. When he spewed, I would scream and cry and want to run away and never come back. Eventually, I decided it was time to talk to someone.. I'm now on Prozac, this being day 4. I still don't feel the strong bond that everyone talks about... Of course when he's content and staring at me, I love him to bits but I never seem to miss him if I leave the house by myself, I look forward to it and it makes me feel like the worst person in the world

I really hope someone can tell me they went through this and eventually came out stronger because right now I feel hopeless

It takes a long time to really bond with your baby whether you breastfeed or not. My baby is exclusively breastfed and I am just now starting to feel really bonded and happy with him after being on sertraline for about three weeks now. Plus, getting good sleep is essential to me feeling happy and wanting to spend time with lo. When I'm tired, I'm a different person and when I'm severely sleep deprived like I was when lo was three weeks old, I was a mess and just wanted to not be mommy anymore so I could crawl in bed and never get up. It's tough, I'm still tired but getting better sleep now. Babies are so hard for the first couple months but then they usually chill out and things get easier, you find a routine or at least get comfortable. My son is starting to be much calmer and I can actually enjoy him. He smiles a lot now instead of crying every moment he is awake. I used to spend all day just trying to soothe him and now he's only fussy when he's tired. You are not a horrible mother, trust me! It's the depression that makes you feel that way and you must remember to separate yourself from that depression. Recognize that it's not you it's the depression talking. It's a real illness just like any other. You will love being a mommy when you start to get better from your ppd and start to sleep better. I promise!

 

[detterose]

Thought I would finally introduce myself to this thread... I had my LO 3 weeks ago. Everything was great, labour and birth went well apart from LO having cord wrapped around his neck three times and resulted in it snapping off the placenta still inside me. We were both fine though.

We attempted BFing straight away.. However the midwife placed LO on my chest to find the boob and he incorrectly latched and fed for an hour really damaging my nipple. I then expressed from this breast for a couple of days to rest it and fed him from the other side. We would top him up with the expressed milk, however mistakenly in bottles, which he eventually took to over me. He's an impatient baby and a fussy eater so the bottles were like heaven to him. We tried several times to get him back to the breast with no avail. I ended up exclusively pumping after this so he was still getting breast milk, as I was producing plenty to do so. I ended up getting severe mastitis though and my nipples were beyond cracked from multiple attempts of trying to feed so putting him back on was out of the question. So I pumped, every god damn two hours. I would set my alarm. But it got to the point where the ducts were so blocked and the pump just wasn't effective enough that nothing was coming out. I really thought my boobs were going to explode by this point.

I went to my work, as I work for a doctors surgery and she said it was the worst case she had seen. So I came in for daily injections and had a two week course of antibiotics. By this point, I was so depressed and exhausted from the ordeal I decided to give up my attempts of trying to BF. So not wanting to risk mastitis again and dry up my milk naturally, I asked for bromocriptine.

We then had bub having expressed breast milk I had refrigerated and frozen through the day and formula at night. But we went through the breast milk quicker then I had expected. By day 6 of being on the tablets, I felt withdrawn from my own baby. I didn't want to hold him, when he woke for a feed, I dreaded it.. I felt like giving up BFing, I had completely lost a bond with him. Being on formula, he was power spewing and still wanting to be fed every hour and a half to two hours.. When he spewed, I would scream and cry and want to run away and never come back. Eventually, I decided it was time to talk to someone.. I'm now on Prozac, this being day 4. I still don't feel the strong bond that everyone talks about... Of course when he's content and staring at me, I love him to bits but I never seem to miss him if I leave the house by myself, I look forward to it and it makes me feel like the worst person in the world

I really hope someone can tell me they went through this and eventually came out stronger because right now I feel hopeless

It takes a long time to really bond with your baby whether you breastfeed or not. My baby is exclusively breastfed and I am just now starting to feel really bonded and happy with him after being on sertraline for about three weeks now. Plus, getting good sleep is essential to me feeling happy and wanting to spend time with lo. When I'm tired, I'm a different person and when I'm severely sleep deprived like I was when lo was three weeks old, I was a mess and just wanted to not be mommy anymore so I could crawl in bed and never get up. It's tough, I'm still tired but getting better sleep now. Babies are so hard for the first couple months but then they usually chill out and things get easier, you find a routine or at least get comfortable. My son is starting to be much calmer and I can actually enjoy him. He smiles a lot now instead of crying every moment he is awake. I used to spend all day just trying to soothe him and now he's only fussy when he's tired. You are not a horrible mother, trust me! It's the depression that makes you feel that way and you must remember to separate yourself from that depression. Recognize that it's not you it's the depression talking. It's a real illness just like any other. You will love being a mommy when you start to get better from your ppd and start to sleep better. I promise!

Thank you. I've been on the Prozac since I posted and am feeling much better. I have been really bonding with LO now that OH is back at work and feeling better within myself. But I completely agree with the lack of sleep side of things, it is torture and can turn anyone into a completely different person!! Hoping he starts to sleep for longer stretches soon enough, he is a one to two hour sleeper, even on formula It takes me that long just to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. Ohhhh the days of getting eight hours sleep! And to think about how much I wanted pregnancy to be over with, now I wish I could go back and appreciate my sleep a bit more!!

 

[Kelly M]

Thank you. I've been on the Prozac since I posted and am feeling much better. I have been really bonding with LO now that OH is back at work and feeling better within myself. But I completely agree with the lack of sleep side of things, it is torture and can turn anyone into a completely different person!! Hoping he starts to sleep for longer stretches soon enough, he is a one to two hour sleeper, even on formula It takes me that long just to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. Ohhhh the days of getting eight hours sleep! And to think about how much I wanted pregnancy to be over with, now I wish I could go back and appreciate my sleep a bit more!!

Oh My gosh I know what you mean! My lo only started sleeping longer about two weeks ago. Before that it was every one or two hours like yours and I had insomnia for a long time. If I ever managed to get to sleep he'd be up five minutes later by the time I fell asleep. It's torture! Now, he has started going with only one night feed and that has been UH-MAY-ZIIINGGG. For a couple weeks, I was having dh or my parents take night duty and give him bottles so I could sleep eight hours (per orders of my doctor). Then about three weeks ago he started refusing bottles. So I have to get up and nurse him and no one else can help at night. I was starting to lose sleep again, and thus started feeling hopeless, weepy and anxious again. Then he magically started going with only one night waking thank goodness! I thought for sure I was doomed to suffer from sleep deprivation until he was weaned but I can handle once a night. It's every hour that kills me.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

I snapped at my baby daughter again.

She was crying and crying before bed, as usual, and I just lost it at her and started shouting "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP...!!!"

I am so plagued with guilt over my reactions to her. She is so high needs and was perfect for my husband all day,and then when he left all hell broke loose and she took an hr and half to settle for bed.

I have now lost it at her 3 times and come too close to hurting her that I can't stand to think about it.

I had a counselling session today and had a whole day away from her but tonight just put me right back to square1.

This is just shit. I just want to bond with her, to not get frustrated with her incessant crying, to not worry about her being totally without a routine. i want to look at her and think she's the cutest baby around, but all I think is "She's fat, she'd be cute without that double chin. When is she going to bed tonight." And then I'm guilty all day every day for thinking those awful thoughts and knowing she picks up on my anxiety and despair with her. She would be better off without me, I'm a terrible mother.

 

[detterose]

Thank you. I've been on the Prozac since I posted and am feeling much better. I have been really bonding with LO now that OH is back at work and feeling better within myself. But I completely agree with the lack of sleep side of things, it is torture and can turn anyone into a completely different person!! Hoping he starts to sleep for longer stretches soon enough, he is a one to two hour sleeper, even on formula It takes me that long just to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. Ohhhh the days of getting eight hours sleep! And to think about how much I wanted pregnancy to be over with, now I wish I could go back and appreciate my sleep a bit more!!

Oh My gosh I know what you mean! My lo only started sleeping longer about two weeks ago. Before that it was every one or two hours like yours and I had insomnia for a long time. If I ever managed to get to sleep he'd be up five minutes later by the time I fell asleep. It's torture! Now, he has started going with only one night feed and that has been UH-MAY-ZIIINGGG. For a couple weeks, I was having dh or my parents take night duty and give him bottles so I could sleep eight hours (per orders of my doctor). Then about three weeks ago he started refusing bottles. So I have to get up and nurse him and no one else can help at night. I was starting to lose sleep again, and thus started feeling hopeless, weepy and anxious again. Then he magically started going with only one night waking thank goodness! I thought for sure I was doomed to suffer from sleep deprivation until he was weaned but I can handle once a night. It's every hour that kills me.

Oh I can't wait for LO to only wake for one night feed! That sounds like heaven!!! We've started using feed thickener in his bottles as he vomits a bit and this has helped stretch his sleeps to 2-3 hours. It's been really nice! But still waiting for the day when he sleeps 4-5 hours, I think I'll fall over the day that happens.

 

[detterose]

I snapped at my baby daughter again.

She was crying and crying before bed, as usual, and I just lost it at her and started shouting "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP...!!!"

I am so plagued with guilt over my reactions to her. She is so high needs and was perfect for my husband all day,and then when he left all hell broke loose and she took an hr and half to settle for bed.

I have now lost it at her 3 times and come too close to hurting her that I can't stand to think about it.

I had a counselling session today and had a whole day away from her but tonight just put me right back to square1.

This is just shit. I just want to bond with her, to not get frustrated with her incessant crying, to not worry about her being totally without a routine. i want to look at her and think she's the cutest baby around, but all I think is "She's fat, she'd be cute without that double chin. When is she going to bed tonight." And then I'm guilty all day every day for thinking those awful thoughts and knowing she picks up on my anxiety and despair with her. She would be better off without me, I'm a terrible mother.

 

[Kelly M]

I snapped at my baby daughter again.

She was crying and crying before bed, as usual, and I just lost it at her and started shouting "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP...!!!"

I am so plagued with guilt over my reactions to her. She is so high needs and was perfect for my husband all day,and then when he left all hell broke loose and she took an hr and half to settle for bed.

I have now lost it at her 3 times and come too close to hurting her that I can't stand to think about it.

I had a counselling session today and had a whole day away from her but tonight just put me right back to square1.

This is just shit. I just want to bond with her, to not get frustrated with her incessant crying, to not worry about her being totally without a routine. i want to look at her and think she's the cutest baby around, but all I think is "She's fat, she'd be cute without that double chin. When is she going to bed tonight." And then I'm guilty all day every day for thinking those awful thoughts and knowing she picks up on my anxiety and despair with her. She would be better off without me, I'm a terrible mother.

Those are called "intrusive thoughts". It helped me to know there was a name for these horrible thoughts I was having and that it wasn't how I really felt. Those kinds of bad thoughts will pop into your head but you know they are wrong and you feel guilty and sad for even thinking them. But, they are intrusive and you have to acknowledge it and just push it aside. Whenever I have an intrusive thought I tell myself that it's not my fault I thought that, it just popped into my head without warning but I don't really feel that way and then I cast the bad thought aside and try not to think about it again. I've accepted that it's normal to think these kinds of things but as long as I'm not acting on them and I'm getting better, they become less and less frequent. I'm glad you are getting therapy and recognizing that you need help. It won't always be this hard, I promise! You will get better! You will bond with your baby! You will be happy someday!

 

[Kelly M]

This website has been a great deal of help to me: https://www.postpartumprogress.com/

 

[hiladun]

This website has been a great deal of help to me: https://www.postpartumprogress.com/

Thank you so much for this link, I wish I had come across it a lot sooner.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Having more bad days again. She's just been so hard to settle, I felt like punching her. I didnt, but I had those bad thoughts. I get left alone so much with her and I have no support. No friends around to help, my Mum is useless most of the time- I certainly can't call her and tell her I'm not coping because she'd tell me to suck it up. DH is always either at work or at a football function. I just feel awful about all the trouble we have settling her.

 

[babyhopes2010]

Having more bad days again. She's just been so hard to settle, I felt like punching her. I didnt, but I had those bad thoughts. I get left alone so much with her and I have no support. No friends around to help, my Mum is useless most of the time- I certainly can't call her and tell her I'm not coping because she'd tell me to suck it up. DH is always either at work or at a football function. I just feel awful about all the trouble we have settling her.

it does get better i promise. freya was awful. colic reflux lactose intolerent never slept.

still find things difficult now but certainly a whole lot easier and i have a bou due in august-i NEED a chilled out one this time lol

 

[BettyBoop152]

I had an awful time with my DD and now I'm expecting a DS it's definitely clouded with negative thoughts as oppose to excitement.. I have such a great bond with my little girl now and it took me till she was at least 8/9 months to get that.. I don't want it to be hard work again xx

 

[Raggydoll]

I had an awful time with my DD and now I'm expecting a DS it's definitely clouded with negative thoughts as oppose to excitement.. I have such a great bond with my little girl now and it took me till she was at least 8/9 months to get that.. I don't want it to be hard work again xx

This is a big worry of mine. With my recent pregnancy I spoke to my GP & MW about preparing for PND again. It was making me very anxious in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

As I've peviously had PND I'm already flagged as high risk. The action plan we've put in place is to start AD's during 2nd trimester and to have regular sessions with 2gether.

On a more positive note, my sister had PND with her first child, she had a much easier time with her 2nd. She said she felt far less anxious as she knew what she was doing, she felt more confident.

I would speak to your MW about your anxieties. I really hope everything works out well for you. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.

 

[BettyBoop152]

Thanks Raggydoll that makes a lot of sense.. youre right I will know what to expect in one sense I'm just very anxious and probably rightly so.. I'm due in less than 1 week and our little bean has stomach problems so I know I'm gonna be spending some extra time in hospital and thats another worry..thanks again for your reply means a lot to know I'm not alone xxx

 

[HopefulPony]

May I join you? I had my baby almost 3 weeks ago, had antenatal depression all the way through pregnancy and things are just getting worse... I had a spinal headache after birth so wasn't able to care for George in the hospital so my partner had to do it and I felt like a crap mum. By the time I could stand up I was terrified of looking after him and had started feeling like I regretted him. He's got terrible colic and screams so much. I'm on my own with him during the day and just feel so trapped. I've had to put him down whilst screaming and just walk away and cry.... I've been crying so much. I have friends who can help but I just don't want to see anyone

 

[Raggydoll]

May I join you? I had my baby almost 3 weeks ago, had antenatal depression all the way through pregnancy and things are just getting worse... I had a spinal headache after birth so wasn't able to care for George in the hospital so my partner had to do it and I felt like a crap mum. By the time I could stand up I was terrified of looking after him and had started feeling like I regretted him. He's got terrible colic and screams so much. I'm on my own with him during the day and just feel so trapped. I've had to put him down whilst screaming and just walk away and cry.... I've been crying so much. I have friends who can help but I just don't want to see anyone

I know it doesn't feel like it now but it does get better. Have you spoken to your GP/HV.

I found even though I dreaded going out, it really helped when I did. I know the groups can seem daunting but some of the more structured groups were great, especially for bonding.

If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. X

 

[BettyBoop152]

Hi HopefulPony.. That's how I was with my DD.. she had a milk intolerance that wasn't diagnosed until 6 weeks so that was hell for me.. I wasn't told I had PND or depression but I think looking back I was definitely not coping how I should.. the only advice I can give re: colic is to do exactly what you are doing.. as long as your baby is in a safe place you can step away from the situation for a moment to calm down.. and like Raggy says speaking to your MW will help I'm Def going to be doing this when I see her next Xxxx

 

[Scottish mum]

Hey girls I'm new to this thread. My lo is almost 6 months old and I think I'm suffering from anxiety!

I get panicky and just can't shake the feeling, I worry about stupid things I know will not happen like a lorry hitting us when out walking or me letting go of his buggy!

It's worse this week as I'm due my period the only time it was like this was when I first had lo then it mellowed!

I don't know how it's triggered! Does anybody else think they have this, it's weird I don't feel myself but don't feel depressed!! My lo is great he's very easy going so not sure if its that!! So confused!

 

[BettyBoop152]

Hi Scottish Mum
I know what you mean about anxiety.. most times I try to venture out I get panicky.. I had my DS2 nearly 3 weeks ago and I panic when I need to go anywhere incase DD1 tantrums and DS2 cries and I can't help him or feed him there an then etc..
I feel much better than I did the first time round so that's a bonus but I think it's because I don't have time to blink.. I think with help from the right people anything can be fixed so Def speak to somebody like your GP about your anxiety xx