Polygamy/Polyandry

[Lightworker]

Hi..just got the idea from the other thread.

My grandfather had 3 wives, and in line with African tradition, they all lived in the same "compund", and they all worked well together. There don't appear to be any rifts. He has since died, but his 3 wives still live together in harmony (I think).

What do you think about polygamy or polyandry? Do you think it can work? How does it fit in with your idea of marriage?

Do you think that women that are in polygamous relationships are there due to society's perceptions (in this case African culture)..or perhaps they lack independence and are willing to marry and become a 2nd or third wife just so they are looked after?

Do you think a "confident, independent, happy" woman would happily share her husband? What about women marrying more than one? (I only know of one South African culture where it has happened).

 

[Eternal]

I cant imgaine how its works and I for one wouldnt like to be in one, I guess from a cultural norm here its not normal and therefore i see it as "out there", being a mormon though its a part of our past, i can see and understand why it was done and how ot worked ( in breif the men looked after the women as a lot of men died and there were lots of women that needed "looked after").

From a western perspcetive these days we as women are very independant and dont "need" a man to be part of soceity, we can very much be a person without the need of a man to define us. So I cant imagine the apeal.

I cant imagine sharing my husband with someone else, its just crazy, I enjoy just being me and my family.

although i can probably understand the coummunity factor in it, it would be nice to share the burden of home with others, juddling three babies is hard work and if there were other women to help with cooking, cleaning etc then it would be nice, although i would rather pay someone to do that than have my husband marrying someone else. ]

I think its very much how your raised if its right or wrong, i dont see it as wrong, but i do see it as abnormal, although i would find it very wrong if the man lived secret lives (saw an episode on private practice last night).

As for the other way round, would that even work? i know it maybe works with preistesess or high ranking women in some developing worlds, but does it work in any other setting?

 

[Nibblenic]

Ooooh I dont know.

On one hand I can see that it would be nice to share, income, help around the house, child rearing and the stresses that come from running a family. On the other hand I think it must be hard to not share things equally, ie one man 3 women. Not only for the woman but for the man. Can you imagine dealing with the emotional and physical needs of three women

I think though we concentrate a lot of the sex and jealous of sharing one man with many women, as the point we couldnt cope with. In a long standing Christian country we have been taught that relationships are between one man and one woman for centurys and anything else is or at one point has been illegal. Therefore is wrong or out there.
I dont know any polygamous relationships. I know some couple who have sex with other women in terms of a threesome regularly, but thats just sex. I know one foursome, who all live together 2 men and 2 women and am aware that they all have intercourse but its definitely all a relationship, there are no children, but they all help eachother, run a business etc.

I suppose what ever is normal/works for you. I have a huge live and let live attitude to relationships, as long as no one is being physically or emotionally damaged. I dont think its for me as Im from a very matriarchal family, the women are definitely in charge. The main problem I would have would be having a man in charge of the household and i couldnt be anything other than head wife

 

[smelly07]

ooooooooooooooooo, to me its not abnormal, my uncle who lives in Africa has 3 wifes and and about 10 children. So to me its something i grew up knowing happened in some cultures............however because of my experience with a culture where males are the 'higher' sex and the experience i have on that side of the family and that culture i am very much into equality amongst the sexes (but i also feel that both ways especially 'fathers rights'.) and i feel for me that goes against that iykwim. I personally would not live that way but like nibblenic if thats what people want to do and it isnt hurting anyone then what the hell x hope that makes sense x

 

[Sarahkka]

I am fairly "live and let live", as well, but I am cautious on this one only because I know of more than a few examples in which this situation is not always consensual.
There is a religious sect near where I grew up (I think they are called the Boundary Christians, or something like that) that has had its fair share of media over allegations of abuse and coercion - marrying little girls (12 years) to much older men. That sort of thing is not okay, but then it would not be okay for a non-polygamist to do either. I think that it can happen more where women's rights are pretty iffy, so I do associate that with some kinds of polygamy.
The flip side is a closeknit extended family, all adults, all partners there by choice. I can see where this would be great.

So I guess, in short, I don't treat it any differently than I do "regular" marriage - as long as its between adults and consensual, then it's okay by me.
Would I do it myself? Probably not. The nuclear family model works pretty well for us. We don't feel like there's a wife missing from the party or anything!

 

[Sarahkka]

Eternal - your question of polyandry is a good one. In the natural world, there are several bird species that do this. The female fights and defends territories and her mates, giving each of them a nest and a couple of eggs to raise.
The biological reasons behind polyandry for humans would be harder to explain, I think. Usually, we see social groupings occur because they give an advantage to the species' survival somehow. In terms of reproduction, you will get more numbers by several sources of eggs and one source of sperm. The other way around certainly limits reproductive rate, but it could increase protection for offspring?
Just sort of speculating out loud here....
Now I have to go look up more examples of polyandry!

 

[lesleyann]

It is not normal to me however I can see how it may work, but I'm just not into sharing my partner. But they must all be pretty close but I did not realise this still happened

 

[summer rain]

I agree with polygamy and know a few people (mainly Muslims but also those of other faiths or no faith at all) who are in polygamous marriages or committed relationships involving one man married to more than one woman. The women I know involved in polygamy are not 'doormat' types at all, they tend to be older women who are 'done' having kids and who want to be by themselves or with their kids most of the time and don't want a man around them 24/7. Many of them are white or black British. Another friend has severe disabilities but is fiercly independent as well, one of the reasons she wanted to marry a man who was already married was because she didn't want someone to feel they had to 'look after' her full time. I think as long as people do not actually marry in the legal sense so they are committing bigamy, then it is no-one elses business.

Most men who are married to more than one woman do support them all, or the women pay for themselves as it is common for them to have their own businesses that take up a great deal of their time (and thats another reason some women look for polygamous marriage). I know one family in Birmingham where there are 4 wives living in a house converted into flats, they live completely off the proceeds of their own business. Nor is polygamy expected by the Muslim community, most Muslim communities look down upon and ostracise anyone who engages in polygamy and I know quite a few Muslim ladies who have been left very lonely and friendless because their husband has another wife-which is sad. I know some Muslim women who want to be in a polygamous marriage but their family says no and they end up never getting married to anyone.

I don't actually think polyandry is natural for humans, I don't think most women are naturally that way inclined and when it comes to having children there are issues of paternity etc that would cause problems.

 

[Lightworker]

What about the notion that our souls are meant to experience a significant relationship with only one other soul? i.e. that we are all destined for one human being to be our mate? Or do you think thats just fantasy/romance that is not relevant to real life?

 

[smelly07]

What about the notion that our souls are meant to experience a significant relationship with only one other soul? i.e. that we are all destined for one human being to be our mate? Or do you think thats just fantasy/romance that is not relevant to real life?

I think that is just fantasy/romance.

We may have choosen to experience life with a soul mate but that may not be true for all in this time, we are all here to learn and experience situations with lots of different souls. x

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I probably wouldnt mind, less work for me although not thought about it properly.

 

[summer rain]

What about the notion that our souls are meant to experience a significant relationship with only one other soul? i.e. that we are all destined for one human being to be our mate? Or do you think thats just fantasy/romance that is not relevant to real life?

I think most people end up having a number of meaningful relationships in their life, I also don't think the notion of one man, one woman forever is something found in most human societies and historically it hasn't been a commonly held view either. xx

 

[Lina]

I think a move to this would be a mistress dream.

 

[TattiesMum]

I know quite a few Muslim ladies who have been left very lonely and friendless because their husband has another wife-which is sad. I know some Muslim women who want to be in a polygamous marriage but their family says no and they end up never getting married to anyone.

I don't actually think polyandry is natural for humans, I don't think most women are naturally that way inclined and when it comes to having children there are issues of paternity etc that would cause problems.

That's really interesting ... my understanding of Polygamy and Islam was that a man should only take another wife (or multiple other wives) if he could commit to treating them equally in all aspects (financial/time/emotionally etc).

I don't have strong opinions about Polygamy to be honest - part of me quite likes the idea of having 'Sister Wives' to share out all those irritating male traits

Polyandry? ... Why?, Why on earth would you want to have more than one overgrown child to pander to? Dear God! One is more than enough surely

 

[Lightworker]

I know quite a few Muslim ladies who have been left very lonely and friendless because their husband has another wife-which is sad. I know some Muslim women who want to be in a polygamous marriage but their family says no and they end up never getting married to anyone.

I don't actually think polyandry is natural for humans, I don't think most women are naturally that way inclined and when it comes to having children there are issues of paternity etc that would cause problems.

That's really interesting ... my understanding of Polygamy and Islam was that a man should only take another wife (or multiple other wives) if he could commit to treating them equally in all aspects (financial/time/emotionally etc).

I don't have strong opinions about Polygamy to be honest - part of me quite likes the idea of having 'Sister Wives' to share out all those irritating male traits

Polyandry? ... Why?, Why on earth would you want to have more than one overgrown child to pander to? Dear God! One is more than enough surely

yeah I also wonder...but if one husband is working, you can spend time with the other one..you won't be lonely..

The polyandry case I mentioned was this South African chief who had more than one husband. I am not sure if they were all "husbands" under law, but they were lovers. Imagine how big her ego is ..lol..

 

[TattiesMum]

yeah I also wonder...but if one husband is working, you can spend time with the other one..you won't be lonely..

The polyandry case I mentioned was this South African chief who had more than one husband. I am not sure if they were all "husbands" under law, but they were lovers. Imagine how big her ego is ..lol..

Hmmmm ... I suppose it might not be too bad if you were a Chief with absolute power over them - at least they would have to do what you said!

I quite like the idea of two 'husbands' going out to work to support me in the manner that I'd like to become acustomed to though (while I lounge around doing beggar all obviously )

Not so sure that I'd ever want that much male company to be honest ... and in Western terms (ie without the power to chop their heads off if they annoyed me ) it would surely just mean 24 hour football, farting, sulking and xbox - not to mention all that extra abandoned underwear needing to be picked up

 

[PitaKat]

There are certain aspects about this that I really value, the social aspect of having friends around you, the aspect of many hands making light work, of course the economic aspect of having more than 1 or 2 breadwinners while the children are all looked after at home instead of going to childcare outside the home. I really like the idea of having "sister wives" to help out with kids, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc. and whoever wanted to work outside the home could do so. These are the things I really like about communes as well, the support system, the community all working together to support one "household". I would think that a polygamous family would have to all be people of very mild, easy-going temperments, so that everyone could get along well.

However, the sexual part doesn't sit well with me. I'm not even really a jealous person, but I know I would become jealous, suspicious, and mean to the other women, which flies in the face of the social aspect.

 

[Lightworker]

ooh yeah I would be paranoid too..I'd be thinking does he touch her the way he touches me..lol..Id probably be listening outside the door haha

 

[TattiesMum]

Nah... I'd just enjoy having the bed to myself so I could scoff chocolate and read a good book in peace

Just imagine ... no more being pestered for sex after a long day or feeling guilty because you've said no or don't feel like it

 

[PrincessTaz]

I think each to their own. I don't know much about the subject apart from watching Sister Wives on Discovery Real Time.

If that is what other people believe in and are happy with then who I am to judge and how boring would the world be if everyone lived and acted the same way.