Posting on other forums and offending people.

[v2007]

Clearly this thread is made in reaction to the thread i made

I did already reply to your comment.

TBH you have been on the loss sections to gain info an help which is what they are there for, my point was about people who have requested access who have never posted and have been members less than a month and only want access to gawp not actually provide any emotional support to the member on there.

You have been a member on this forum for over a year so i am not sure why you thought i was having a go at you personally.

V xxx

 

[clownfish]

It's an odd thing isn't it. People write such personal stuff on here, almost like a private journal..

But they seem to forget it's an open forum with literally hundreds of thousands of members and guests.

People should remember that whatever they post on here is open to public consumption and comment.

My thoughts are with your colleague. X

 

[eviestar]

i lost a baby at 20+6 and i wish i had a friend who made the efforts youve made! i wouldnt worry about it
xx

 

[keeks1987]

I've read through the comments on both the threads. Right now my initial thought is that I just can't win.

The reason I started this thread on a different forum is because if people aren't happy about people lurking on a different thread, starting a new one asking if I was acting inappropriately would hardly be appropriate would it? I wasn’t taking the other post personally when I read it. I just wanted the opinion of others to see if I was acting incorrectly or not. For claficication as such. I didn’t feel I could ask for the clarification as whether it was intentional or not, the post came across to me as a “get lost if you’ve not suffered like we have”. I’ve not had the same suffering, but it doesn’t make it less so.

It makes me wonder what kinda things people think others will avoid or deliberately seek out. It’s not as if I thought “I know.. I’ll have a look just to see”. That would be horrific. Nor have I ever just left something without a comment, even if it’s a hug. I was able to comfort a friend through a horrendous time in her life which is all that matters to me. I also told her about the forum and where I learnt the information from, so she can look from now on if needed.

For me, the point of BNB is to provide support through an undoubtedly hard time in life. I never thought about looking on things which did not include me directly was in any way voyeuristic. Seems like your damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For the complete avoidance of this happening again, I know I personally will just not go on there. Whether it’s a public forum or not. I agree with another poster who said it’s easy on the internet to forget it’s a public forum and anyone can read things. Would it have been better if I hadn’t off asked? This isn’t meant as a massive go at people, I generally don’t understand.

This is just my personal opinion. I just don’t like feeling bad for something if I don’t understand what I did wrong, and when I tried to find out what I did, feel bad about doing that.

 

[clownfish]

Human interest in tragedy is part of human nature. Anyone who watched the japan tsunami unfold on tv or has seen the 9/11 footage is 'guilty' of the same thing.
If you ever read the paper or watch the news you are taking part in the consumption of someone else's misery/ grief/ tragedy.
Once the information is out there you lose the right/ability to have any say over how/who chooses to view it and what their intentions are.

I doubt many if any view these particular threads with anything less than deep compassion and heart-felt sadness, yet by choosing to post them ladies do leave themselves open to interpretation and subjective thought. It's inevitable.
It may be worth considering how they too have taken part in 'reading others tragedies' in their day to day life before continuing with these discussions.

All that said, the grief, horror and reality of these threads means that I would understand each and every feeling/ thought/ emotion being voiced. The horror of loss overwhelms everything else.

 

[AP]

Admitting to reading and running is a bit disrespectful imo thats all im saying

 

[AFatKindaThin]

I don't think that it would have been aimed at you but people that go onto that part of the forum just to look and read the stories. The ladies that use that part of the forum have been through things that a lot of us can never really understand. The grief they feel and what they post is a very personal thing. If you view the threads on there maybe offer a hug or leave a small comment acknowledging that you have read their story. I see a lot of losses in my job and even though I have never lost a baby after 12 weeks I understand how everyone deals with their loss differently. I don't think you did anything wrong but can understand how the ladies on the forum get offended by gawpers.

My friend lost a baby at 21 weeks and all you can do is be there for her when she needs you hun. To cry with her and live through her grief with her. X x x

 

[milf2be]

i look in the other forums too. im a student midwife and find it much better to learn from what people are actually doing etc then from a text book, so i go in and have a read and give advice when i can.

i also posted in the TTC forum because my friend had just been told she would more then likely be infertile or at best find it very difficult to conceive after her surgery to remove a fibroid, so i wanted some advice on how was best to go about talking to her about this and things i could do so not to rub my pregnancy in her face etc. I found that nobody replied at first, but after i bumped it up i got a few replies and everyone was lovely and helpful.

one thing that does really annoy me is when i see threads about cutting out pregnant friends and moaning about people who 'dont deserve' kids

 

[Gnomer]

I can see both sides of the story. I lost a bean last year at 16+5, but my experience was very different, i didn't feel so much 'grief'.

ANYWAY, yes, it is hard having everyone know your story, and not offer words of advice. I can completely understand feeling like your there for entertainment purposes.

But, this is public forum. And for every supportive person you get, you'll also get someone else reading without saying anything. You have to understand that people read and don't reply for many reasons. Sometimes they just don't know what to say, other times its because they have never and could never imagine something like this happening to them, and they come to read to understand. Or they come to find out all possible complications they COULD face. Or, they just see how sad your story is, and how strong you've been.

Personally, I read the loss forums every now and again. usually if I see the journal linked in a signature. I never post. I cannot express my thoughts too well, and worry about saying something wrong. I'm not yet ready to completely share my story just yet. Mainly because I feel selfish, and I feel like I got off very lightly with my story. I almost feel like i would be 'rubbing it in'. But reading these womens stories shows me how every other person deals with it so differently. And I have a huge amount of respect for each and every one of them.
I KNOW i should probably just leave a hug, but it feels very, erm, little? I feel like my hug is not enough.

Anyway, a babble. Just my view I suppose.

 

[Rude_Reds]

U sound like a really sweet friend. U weren't wrong at all. Not a lot of friends would do what u did 2 understand what she's going thru

 

[prettymachine]

i'm confused, i have been told if you are not currently part of a current forum (like im stil in 2nd trimester, not third yet) you are not ALLOWED to post in the other forum. when i first joined bnb there was a post about it. so by not posting in there arent we just following the rules so we dont get kicked out? my understanding was you would be kicked out of the forum. that is why i have never posted.

when i read through the neonatal pictures i did leave a "all your babies are beautiful!" comment and felt like i got off lucky for not getting kicked, but couldnt resist.

i also would like to say i read through it because i think in the beginning of pregnancy you need to prepare yourself for anything. i had a very difficult time getting pregnant and i have miscarried before and knew it was a possibility for myself at any time in my pregnancy, and wanted to be prepared for what might come. and my heart ached for every one of those women. i dont think in any way we are "reading their stories for entertainment." thats just sick to even accuse us of.

 

[HappiestMom]

i'm confused, i have been told if you are not currently part of a current forum (like im stil in 2nd trimester, not third yet) you are not ALLOWED to post in the other forum. when i first joined bnb there was a post about it. so by not posting in there arent we just following the rules so we dont get kicked out? my understanding was you would be kicked out of the forum. that is why i have never posted.

when i read through the neonatal pictures i did leave a "all your babies are beautiful!" comment and felt like i got off lucky for not getting kicked, but couldnt resist.

i also would like to say i read through it because i think in the beginning of pregnancy you need to prepare yourself for anything. i had a very difficult time getting pregnant and i have miscarried before and knew it was a possibility for myself at any time in my pregnancy, and wanted to be prepared for what might come. and my heart ached for every one of those women. i dont think in any way we are "reading their stories for entertainment." thats just sick to even accuse us of.

Ive never seen that or heard any of the other girls on here say that..I post everywhere..Im not a mom yet but I post in the natural parenting one...Im not still in 1st tri put I post on there to help ladies out that have questions of what I have already been through..not in 3rd tri yet but I ask them questions...def not TTC or doing HPTs but I post there to encourage women trying to get their BFPs...if you werent allowed in a certain one they would have you actually blocked..which they technically can do...

 

[prettymachine]

when i first joined first trimester, someone from ttc had asked what our symptoms were, and about 15 different ladies ripped her head off, said she needed to stay in ttc and they were having her kicked off. and went on and on about the rules of bnb staying in your forum etc. and she literally had only asked for our symtoms before +. so that was enough to scare me off!

 

[HappiestMom]

when i first joined first trimester, someone from ttc had asked what our symptoms were, and about 15 different ladies ripped her head off, said she needed to stay in ttc and they were having her kicked off. and went on and on about the rules of bnb staying in your forum etc. and she literally had only asked for our symtoms before +. so that was enough to scare me off!

Hun..those are just mean selfish ladies who dont want to help others and have their own little cliques on here ...thats not how everyone is here lol...just ignore them..thats not what this site is for...its for support no matter what section/stage you are in...

 

[nickyXjayno]

when i first joined first trimester, someone from ttc had asked what our symptoms were, and about 15 different ladies ripped her head off, said she needed to stay in ttc and they were having her kicked off. and went on and on about the rules of bnb staying in your forum etc. and she literally had only asked for our symtoms before +. so that was enough to scare me off!

Weird never seen a reaction like that before.

Used to tick me and a lot of girls off when you'd get like 10 girls in one week if it was possible they were pregnant because they had been vomiting, fainting and god knows what else.
But we would never be nasty to them, just all think the same thing, take a test! lol

To the original poster I don't think bad of you for going in that section though am wincing a bit at you mentioning a rainbow baby to the woman whose just lost hers.
Only reason I say this is because I know someone who has lost and it used to really upset her when people would tell her to just try for another, ie rainbow baby like it was a bandaid and make everything better.

To cheer you up though, since I have been pregnant I am the most thoughtless and blunt cow imaginable, I don't stop to think before I speak/type and have upset people in the process.
For some unkown reason I can no longer not give my opinion, wanted or not lol.
Stupid hormones!

xx

 

[keeks1987]

yeah... i realised how that looked and sounded.

She had already told me they were thinking about trying again for another baby soon but had natural fears that they wouldn't be as excited or love the next one as much. Which is when i mentioned the concept of rainbow babies.

I'd never say just have another one, i hated it when people said it to me

 

[nickyXjayno]

Ah right cool keeks.
People never meant it to her in a nasty way just think when people don't know what to see we put our foot in mouths lol.
I understand now though and I'm glad you told her about what you've read about other people's experiences, so she knows she's not alone.
Think she'll be joining the forum?

 

[hot tea]

Tbh I see absolutely nothing wrong with just reading. It is to gain info. I understand why some women would be very sensitive to it... But this is a public forum.

As soon as I show my face in teen pregnancy and try and offer help I get my head bitten off. It is funny but kind of hurtful. There is very pointed hate pointed at me so I have chosen not to even enter that part of the forums anymore...

 

[PinkGlitter87]

I dont think you have done anyting wrong, infact i think you are being a great friend by going to the trouble of looking through forums to find things of comfort for her. I think its a lovely thing for you to do x x x

 

[syntaxerror]

Tbh I see absolutely nothing wrong with just reading. It is to gain info. I understand why some women would be very sensitive to it... But this is a public forum.

As soon as I show my face in teen pregnancy and try and offer help I get my head bitten off. It is funny but kind of hurtful. There is very pointed hate pointed at me so I have chosen not to even enter that part of the forums anymore...

I wondered why you're never over there anymore...