pre-IVF anxiety... Help!!

[Megan0625]

Update... My cyst is still there but bloodwork shows it is suppressed and is no longer producing estrogen, so my estradiol levels are less than 5 pg/mL (down from 152 pg/mL)! That means I'm all good to start Lupron injections to prep for my FET. Just finished my first shot of 10 units of Lupron, and will be doing these injections for a couple of weeks before I start the estrogen pills. Hopefully these shots go smoothly and we can plan on a 5/26 transfer.

 

[Bevziibubble]

That's great you can start Lupron
Best wishes

 

[Nima]

So happy for you Megan! Good luck!

 

[Megan0625]

So happy for you Megan! Good luck!

Thank you! Nervous but excited.

 

[WinterBub]

that's awesome news! Let us know how things are going. I'll have everything crossed that it goes well

 

[Megan0625]

that's awesome news! Let us know how things are going. I'll have everything crossed that it goes well

Thank you! It's going well so far, I'm not having any real side effects from the Lupron, but the birth control is giving me lots of mood swings. Luckily tonight is my last dose, I've been on BC for over a month consecutively now so I'm looking forward to stopping that. My next ultrasound and blood draw is Thursday, and I should be decreasing my Lupron dose and starting estrogen pills on Friday, assuming blood work looks good.

Also, since I've been doing fertility treatments for a couple of years now, I looked through my history and was shocked. In 2 years, I have visited the clinic 50 times, have had a very painful hyserosalpingogram, have gone in for 22 blood draws, have had 18 transvaginal ultrasounds, I have gone through 6 vials of sperm, 4 IUIs, 1 egg retrieval procedure, 1 embryo transfer, I have administered myself 45 injections at home, and have been on 8-9 different medications. It's just so crazy because when I finally decided I was ready to have kids, I was naive enough to think I would get pregnant right away, but this has been quite a journey. Anyway, with all that said, my fingers are crossed that this is my month.

And Nima, please let us know how your appointment goes tomorrow! You never know about cysts. My last cyst was gone a week after they found it, and this cyst is still here after 3 weeks, but is not producing estrogen. My fingers are crossed that yours is gone and you get the green light!

 

[Nima]

Wow Megan, this list of treatments and procedures is long.. I am glad you are feeling ok with the lupron, and hope bc stops messing with your mood. I hate mood swings, they make me feel so guilty...

Afm: My cyst is gone! Now waiting to bleed and will start gonal f on day 2. Very excited.

 

[Megan0625]

Wow Megan, this list of treatments and procedures is long.. I am glad you are feeling ok with the lupron, and hope bc stops messing with your mood. I hate mood swings, they make me feel so guilty...

Afm: My cyst is gone! Now waiting to bleed and will start gonal f on day 2. Very excited.

That's great! I'm so excited for you

 

[mimi4]

I am so happy to read news from you

 

[Anke82]

I just read all posts… I hope after all the struggles you all end up with your healthy babies!

I have been devastated, crying a lot, losing hopes. I had my IUI#4 and feel my period will come again. I am 40, never really took the pill, never prevented pregnancy, never got pregnant in my life… all exams are normal, doctors see no problems but obviously there is one… I don’t get pregnant. I am afraid I need to try IVF, but I do suffer from anxiety/hypochondria for over 10 years (maybe this is the problem… too much stress), I am terrified of injections, OHSS, surgeries… so you can imagine that IVF looks pretty scary to me. Plus, the financials which we don’t have! Sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be a mother at all! My partner has two kids who are at my place quite often, and recently I am getting so resentful because he has kids with his ex but now we don’t manage to have our own, so I am just the step-mother, unappreciated for my efforts… as the kids don’t really give a damn. They take over my apartment and I just feel like a ghost. I wish to have a family as well. Sorry for the bitter post, this whole TTC is making me sick. I wish to gain my hope back…. I have no courage for IVF right now but time is ticking and I am moving to 41.

Anyway… don’t want to bring negativity! Just felt like opening up my heart and saying things I cannot share with anyone I know, as they don’t understand my pain.

I truly wish all your dreams come true, you are brave to go through this process, and I know it is worth it and I know you will have your babies! The hope and faith help!

 

[Nima]

@Anke82 I send you big big hugs. This sounds hard and discouraging. I know how it feels to want to become a mom and not knowing if it will ever happen, it is so difficult. Have you heard of "natural cycle ivf"? It is not as successful as regular ivf but you can collect eggs and make embryos for a few consecutive months and then you have good chances without having to stimulate. It doesn't solve the financial aspect, of course. Just an idea, sorry if it's not much help.

Afm: I started stimulation on Saturday, so far so good. Trying to trust my body and not worry about too little/too many/not good enough follicles.

 

[Anke82]

@Anke82 I send you big big hugs. This sounds hard and discouraging. I know how it feels to want to become a mom and not knowing if it will ever happen, it is so difficult. Have you heard of "natural cycle ivf"? It is not as successful as regular ivf but you can collect eggs and make embryos for a few consecutive months and then you have good chances without having to stimulate. It doesn't solve the financial aspect, of course. Just an idea, sorry if it's not much help.

Afm: I started stimulation on Saturday, so far so good. Trying to trust my body and not worry about too little/too many/not good enough follicles.

Thank you for your response Nima! Actually I tried to propose this to my doctor, as well as mini-IVF (when you take clomid instead of injections), the answer of my doctor was: you are too old, probably only 1 out of 10 eggs is good, so it does not make sense for you.. he just refused. Doctors don’t think so much of your feelings here in Germany.

I wish you good luck with your cycle!!! And that you both get your baby #2!

 

[WinterBub]

Wow Megan, that's a lot when you see it all written down like that! What a journey.... How are things going now? It's so easy with hindsight to wish we'd done things differently, but of course we didn't know then what we know now. I have everything crossed that you'll get your twins after this next transfer.

That's so exciting that you've started stims, Nima! Wishing you an easy go of it. How are you feeling a couple of days in?

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and all you've been through to date, Anke. Wishing you will find guidance for how to proceed.

 

[Megan0625]

I just read all posts… I hope after all the struggles you all end up with your healthy babies!

I have been devastated, crying a lot, losing hopes. I had my IUI#4 and feel my period will come again. I am 40, never really took the pill, never prevented pregnancy, never got pregnant in my life… all exams are normal, doctors see no problems but obviously there is one… I don’t get pregnant. I am afraid I need to try IVF, but I do suffer from anxiety/hypochondria for over 10 years (maybe this is the problem… too much stress), I am terrified of injections, OHSS, surgeries… so you can imagine that IVF looks pretty scary to me. Plus, the financials which we don’t have! Sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be a mother at all! My partner has two kids who are at my place quite often, and recently I am getting so resentful because he has kids with his ex but now we don’t manage to have our own, so I am just the step-mother, unappreciated for my efforts… as the kids don’t really give a damn. They take over my apartment and I just feel like a ghost. I wish to have a family as well. Sorry for the bitter post, this whole TTC is making me sick. I wish to gain my hope back…. I have no courage for IVF right now but time is ticking and I am moving to 41.

Anyway… don’t want to bring negativity! Just felt like opening up my heart and saying things I cannot share with anyone I know, as they don’t understand my pain.

I truly wish all your dreams come true, you are brave to go through this process, and I know it is worth it and I know you will have your babies! The hope and faith help!

I totally understand, TTC is such an isolating and difficult journey! Nobody really understands how hard it is unless they go through it themselves, unfortunately. I actually just had a mental breakdown a few nights ago about it because my 21-year-old cousin just got pregnant so easily, and neither she nor her boyfriend have jobs and are so unprepared. I'm struggling because I hate feeling jealous or resentful toward a family member or other pregnant women, but it's easier said than done, it just feels so unfair sometimes. For a moment, I had that fleeting thought that maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. Part of it is the meds I think, because they cause me to be extra emotional, but it's hard to maintain my positivity all the time. I'm feeling much better today and I know I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

And I also understand the fear of IVF, it is quite a daunting journey, and I think that was part of my mental breakdown. The injections are actually quite a bit easier than I expected, they are quite quick and usually don't hurt. I also understand the fear of OHSS, I have hypochondria and anxiety as well so I was terrified and assumed every symptom was a sign of OHSS. I took all the precautions - ate a high-protein diet, drank 60oz of water/electrolytes a day, and I ended up with some abdominal pain and bloating, but no signs of OHSS! Obviously the financials are tough, it still scares me because I'm afraid it won't work and I will have to find a way to pay for it again. But if you can find a way, I believe it is totally worth it!

Anyway, never apologize for needing to vent, I totally understand everything and all of your fears! That's why I joined this forum, I couldn't talk about this with anyone except for my partner and I needed a support group.

 

[Megan0625]

Wow Megan, that's a lot when you see it all written down like that! What a journey.... How are things going now? It's so easy with hindsight to wish we'd done things differently, but of course we didn't know then what we know now. I have everything crossed that you'll get your twins after this next transfer.

That's so exciting that you've started stims, Nima! Wishing you an easy go of it. How are you feeling a couple of days in?

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and all you've been through to date, Anke. Wishing you will find guidance for how to proceed.

Things are going okay right now. Things are a little uncertain and stressful, but as far as I can tell, the IVF part is going okay. I started the estradiol pills last week and am still doing Lupron injections every morning and I assume I'll be starting PIO shots next week. I still have a cyst on my ovary but it is suppressed so they aren't worried. Going back in for another ultrasound on Thursday and then next Monday to make sure my lining is thickening. Thank you so much for all of your support! I know, I try to tell myself that there's no point in wishing I did things differently, but those thoughts do cross my mind sometimes. I do feel like we are going through this journey for some reason, and we will have a deep appreciation for our little ones when they come .

On another front, my partner's grandma just came down with a very quick and horrific infection and she was given only 3-5 weeks to live. Given the state of her health, it could be less than 3 weeks, so I am prepared to stop treatment if she passes suddenly and we go to her funeral. That's been the biggest source of our stress right now. We don't want to quit treatment now because we've already used up most of my Lupron and it expires in a few weeks anyway, but we are prepared to quit if we need to quickly leave to go out of state to a funeral. The nurse recommended we continue as planned and just take it day by day at this point. It is a very sad situation because it was very important to my partner for her grandma to meet our baby (or babies), but we didn't see this coming and we didn't expect it to take this long to get pregnant.

 

[Nima]

@Megan0625 I am praying that you can both complete the cycle and get to say goodbye to your partner's grandma. This is such an impossible and sad situation.

@Anke82 I am sorry you had such an experience with your doctor, what a shame. So many doctors forget they are also just people, not only in Germany.

@WinterBub thank you!

 

[Anke82]

@Megan0625
thank you for your message… I am happy to find this forum and to feel understood. I was already starting to think I was turning into the evil step-mother of the fairy tales, by feeling this anger and resentment for not having kids with my partner but seeing his kids (my failure reminder) every two weeks.

I pray for you for this cycle , I hope everything turns out well for you, and also for the grandma of your partner.

@Nima
Thank you too for your support. I will try to visit another fertility clinic to see if they are more reasonable.

@WinterBub
Thank you too for your kind message!




I wish you all a lot of success on this journey! (And very soon!)

 

[WinterBub]

Sorry to hear that, Megan I hope that you can finish out this cycle and complete the transfer. And im sorry for your partner and her family. Hoping everything is going as ok as they can at these times in life

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[Megan0625]

Sorry to hear that, Megan I hope that you can finish out this cycle and complete the transfer. And im sorry for your partner and her family. Hoping everything is going as ok as they can at these times in life

Thank you We are definitely hanging in there. I did have my appointment this morning and I think everything is still on track for a 5/26 embryo transfer. My cyst is officially gone (though it wasn't causing any problems anyway) and my uterine lining is 9mm thick, which I guess is pretty good for this stage. I increased my Estrace dose this morning and am just waiting for updated medication instructions (based on bloodwork results), which I will receive this afternoon. We are just taking it day by day at this point.