Pregnancy after adoption (sorry, long)

[CeliaM]

I'm having a bit of a hard time, and feeling somewhat alone in it as I haven't found anyone who can relate to this. I have one bio son, and one adopted daughter that came home just under 8 months ago, and now that I'm pregnant I'm getting remarks from people that are so hard to deal with.

The most common... "I knew you'd get pregnant right after you adopted! Thats the way it goes!"

The most bothersome... "See you didn't need to adopt... it sure would have saved you a lot of money if you had just waited!"

The most intrusive... "Did you think you couldn't have any more kids when you adopted?"

I'm sure the questions/comments are going to get more and more frequent as I show more

My daughter, although not my biological daughter, is still MY DAUGHTER. I love her with all a mothers love. All these things people say I find so demeaning at to the legitimacy of our relationship as such. I can't imagine our family not including her, and I hate that people can say anything that even insinuates that because we'll have another biological child, she becomes in the least way superfluous. Or an accidental means to a prefered method of building a family.

People's immediate belief is generally that I must be so happy to be able to have another biologically, when honestly, I would have preferred to adopt again. I generally get a stunned reaction to that. While I'm beginning to get excited about this pregnancy, I find it so hard to know that it may prevent me from adopting again (my hubby doesn't really want 4 kids, while I'm obviously hoping that changes!). I dream constantly about an incident that happened while I was in Ethiopia meeting my daughter's birthfamily...

We were in a very very poor area in the country. The grandmothers house was something like a row house made out of mud and straw. Her room that she lived in was about 8ft by 10ft, and this was the room my daughter was born in. The children around outside all looked quite malnourished, wearing rags for clothes. We talked with my daughters grandmother for about an hour, and as I was leaving I was walking on my own back up the trail to our van, a lady approached me holding a baby girl.

She looked my age, if not a few years younger, and had obviously spent a good part of the last hour trying to get her and her daughter looking her best. She looked at me pleadingly, and asked me if I would please take her daughter as well.

This memory has haunted me nearly nightly since I became pregnant. As has the memory of children who couldn't have been older than my 4 year old son begging for food.

The next person who happily remarks "oh! Now you don't have to adopt again" is going to get a kick in the shins!!

 

[Shri]

People say things without thinking or even knowing anything about the situation. It is clear that you have made choices for your family that are based on love and compassion and good things - so what does it matter to anyone else. YOU know your heart and mind and each of your children will too... and the world is a better place because of people like you who have this sort of commitment and courage for raising children, whether they are biologically theirs or not.

Please don't let the mediocrity in people get to you. When people make those sorts of comments just say something simple, clear, and non-confrontational, like
'we are very happy as a family and I feel blessed to have every single one of these children' .

peoples stupid comments are their own problem. I know it is hard and feels lonely, but take comfort in the fact that there ARE people out there that understand and appreciate your situation.

As for the haunting memories; if we had contact with ANY child that needed care and love, we would be haunted by them. There are millions of children that need better care and love, some may live right next door. What we can do, is give as much joy and love and care to the ones we have contact with and do what we can do and concentrate on what is meaningful to us. Don't waste your energy on the ignorance in the world - just keep focussed on the things you believe in as this will not only be more easeful for you but more infectious in terms of changes in humanity.

 

[PeanutBean]

That's really hard on you. I suppose people tend to assume that adoption only happens where natural conception has failed. It's very unfair of them to impose this on you though. Especially to say such hurtful things about your adopted daughter. I think I would tell them outright but maybe I'm just argumentative at the moment! It's so unfair, you are being more generous that most people and it's really horrid of them to assume that your love for your daughter would be second best.

 

[marley2580]

We are currently in the process of becoming foster parents, and people seem to expect us not to have any more kids. I plan on getting pregnant again next year, but I also plan to continue the fostering (assuming we get through the process ok).

 

[Becki77]

I think some people dont really think about what they are saying sometimes, which unfortunately causes alot of upset especially in situations like yours.
I think its fantastic that you have adopted a little girl that lived in situations like these, and from personal experience i dont think in years to come it will matter to her knowing that she is not your biological daughter but your other two children are. Im sure you'll love them all the same.
Just ignore peoples comments as hard as it maybe! Without you your daughter may not have made it to the age of 2/3- youve given her the best chance in life she could ask for.I admire you x

 

[cuddles314]

Although it must be hurtful and frustrating, please try not to let these comments get to you too much. Unfortunately there are many ignorant people out there, who cannot understand why you would wish to adopt, unless due to infertility. You obviously have a lot of love to give, and all your children are lucky to have such a wonderful Mother.
xxx

 

[ryder]

Its too bad people think like that.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I know lots of people who adopt and still have their own children. You dont have to go outside of our own country to find kids in need either, which is sad.

 

[Barneyboo]

I think people often make silly comments like that because they don't know what to say and will never understand what you have been through and the terrible things you have seen! Just wanted to say I think you are an inspiration, I wish you good luck with everything x x x

 

[Michelle100]

Hi Celia, I can relate to your story somewhat. I adopted my daughter 13 years ago, we were having some trouble ttc and our daughter needed loving parents and a good home.It worked beautifully for all concerned. Although we were having trouble ttc, the docs couldnt find anything medically wrong that would prevent us from becoming pregnant. Here I am nearly 5 months pregnant and very happy, my daughter is over the moon with the news as well. However, like you, I get those annoying and ignorant comments from people who clearly knew nothing about our situation...such as "OH..I didnt think you COULD get pregnant". I just try to grin and bear it, although its so difficult at times. Bless you for adopting your little girl and congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[CeliaM]

Thank you all so much for your support!!! It really does mean so much (and nice to hear of others in something of the same boat, even though it's a challanging place to be!), and you're all probably quite right in saying people don't generally realise they're being hurtful.

The dreams and memories.. I'll cope. Probably by making my DH nutty as I donate all his "fun money" to whatever causes! I think his eyes almost got stuck in the back of his head when he was having a beer with the neighbour in our yard, and I got after him saying the money he spent on what will end up in the toilet could have fed a child for couple days. Poor fellow! I never want to be insensitive to the needs of those less fortunate, but I think the pregnancy hormones are really kicking it up for me right now and I'll settle down some eventually!

Thanks again for all the understanding and good advice!

 

[Sarahkka]

I think what you've done is really inspiring.
My husband and I have been talking about adopting from East Africa for a couple of years now. My ideal family is a blend of biological and adopted, and certainly a blend of cultures.
All I can do is commend you for showing the rest of society what a beautiful thing your family is, and wish you lots and lots of patience as you deal with the dumb comments. Staying patient and explaining might help show others that what you've done is possible for them, as well. And that could be another way you help contribute to solving our global poverty issues. But you have my sympathy. I'd be pretty exasperated after hearing that, too.

 

[redberry3]

Thank you for sharing this. I find it very inspirational and amazingly courageous!!

Having been adopted myself I have always wanted to adopt to give back to what made me the woman I am today and was always worried because I come from a long line of fertility and thought I would be judged because I COULD have children. The truth is, children like me NEED people like you and my parents...and there really is not enough of you out there. Maybe it is money, or maybe it is something else holding them back but I think that if everyone could adopt just one child and had the heart you, and many other people do, this world would be an even more beautiful place. Thank you for doing what you have done. I commend you and can only look up to.

Next time someone says something to you, call me up (we are both from Canada ) and I will have your back and we can both kick them in the shins!