Pregnant at 41 with unsupportive partner

[bloomtastic]

I would love any advice or opinions on this as I'm feeling very lost and alone.
I had given up on ever having a child but recently found out I'm expecting my first child at 41. I was scared but relieved as I had been so sad that I would never be a mother. My boyfriend is adamant that he thinks it's a bad idea to go ahead with this. He says it will ruin his life and he never wanted children. He also thinks I'm being unrealistic because of various reasons: we have only lived together 4 months and our relationship is a work in progress, I don't do well on no sleep, we both have demanding jobs.

I feel like if I terminate it might be "sensible" but I would grieve the loss and feel like I'd lost my only chance. If I don't then he said he would have no choice but to be involved and responsible even though he wouldn't be happy. I feel emotionally sure I want this baby but practically, can I really have a child without a supportive partner? My family lives half way across the world in England so I wouldn't have much support.

 

[Livsmom]

My husband did not have any children and was 40 when I met him. He wanted to have a child. I already had two teenagers but he wanted to really bad. I said ok and we started trying. He was so excited to be trying and as soon as I got pregnant he became a complete asshole. He was so unsupportive and I was sure we would never make it. Fast forward and we now have a 20 month old DD and I am 13 weeks pregnant again. He is an amazing father but a shitty husband to a pregnant woman. LOL. I think he is jealous to be honest. I think you should keep the baby. It will love you forever with or without the daddy. I hope things get better for you and if you need someone to talk to you can message me. I understand rocky relationships for sure. Oh and I will be 40 in a few weeks. Congrats on your miracle baby! And they are miracles!!

 

[oldmamamia]

just wanted to send congrats and hugs to you xxxx
i was different in that we thought our family was complete hitting 40 with kids from 10 to 18 and finding out we were expecting was a huge shock and although as the pregnency went on and we got more excited there was always doubts there whether we were doing the right thing.
yes your life will change, totally! but when you hold that baby in your arms everything that used to be important and everything you worried about will fly out the window, i think he'll come round and that little babe will fit straight into your lives and you'll wonder what you ever did without them x it is hard work and there will be days when you think what are we doing? but thats going to happen whether you are 18 or 45! hope everything works out for you both, dont expect his opinions to change over night though, let him get over the shock and get used to the idea xxx

 

[Meamumomg]

Please keep this little baby, it may be your one and only chance of becoming a mother. You will regret terminating it every single day for the rest of your life.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I never thought I wanted children myself, but after a mc at 41, realised I did. Fortunately, my OH was very supportive and although we began IVF blood work, etc., I actually got pregnant again and my LO arrived safely when I was 44. My entire family are in the USA, my OH's family is small (and not around much), so we're doing it almost entirely on our own, but I do not regret for one minute my LO. It's time to let your heart out-rule your head and if you have to do it alone, so be it -- but you would regret a termination and would hate your partner forever.

best wishes

 

[chattyB]

My SIL fell pregnant unexpectedly after a contraception malfunction at the age of 39. She was in a new relationship which was going nowhere and decided to end things 2 weeks before she discovered she was 7 weeks pregnant. She struggled with her choice for a few weeks and decided to go for it, this could very well be her last chance at being a mother, albeit very different from the situation she'd wanted to be in.

She gave birth to an adorable, healthy baby boy in January and her life is transformed, she loves being a mum and does an amazing job with my gorgeous nephew.

Good luck huni, I know it's a bit of a shock just now but think everything through carefully before deciding anything. You CAN do this!

 

[Dezireey]

This is more or less the same situation I was in, I am 38, except my partner gave me an ultimatum when I told him I was pregnant as he did not want kids. He cried his eyes out when he finished with me and couldn't believe I would choose to be a single mother at 38.I told him I may never have the chance to have a child again and the baby was a little miracle (had endometriosis and told I couldnt have kids, so my baby boy was a nice surprise, well, for me anyway) So, he left me and I carried on on my own and now have a gorgeous baby boy, his father still hasnt seen him and does not acknowledge him or talk about him.

My relationship with my partner wasn't perfect and that is what helped me make the decision to keep my baby. I thought WTF?? this is a no brainer. If I had terminated my baby for this man, he could have then left me for someone else later on (always a possibility, you never know) found himself a younger woman and had a family with her, christ, he could father children well into his 70's or something if he changed his mind in the future. Well, I dont have that luxury and Im not talking about just not being able to get pregnant past 40, its lots of things like, holding out forever for that 'perfect partner' that just doesnt happen for everyone in this world. I had a dream when I was young of a perfect little family for myself but I never met a man who I really wanted to marry. This ex partner has issues and before I got pregnant I wasnt sure if I could handle a lifetime of that anyway. So, If you cant handle the fact of never being a Mother for the rest of your life, then keep the baby. I am so happy to have my little boy and he makes me totally complete now. I can always find another partner, even when I am 60+ but I may never have the chance after a certain age to have a baby. It was an easy choice for me. Its a gamble isnt it? You can decide to not have the baby and you can a) meet someone perfect and get married and settle down within maybe two years and have kids successfuly or b) meet someone suitable and willing to have kids (or not? perhaps) 4 years down the line and then find out at the Docs that after another two years of trying, you cant have kids anymore because you are just too old or maybe the lovely man you married / met has a low sperm count or something?

Don't want to burst anyones bubble and I am sure there are success stories everywhere but scenario (b) is the more likely one here, sorry.

 

[bloomtastic]

Thank you so much everyone. I've decided to keep the baby and I go for genetic testing on Tuesday. I so hope everything is fine and that something magical comes out of this mess. My boyfriend has now broken up with me and told me it wasn't working for a long time. He is very angry and says I'm on my own now. I'm grieving and in shock at the end of the relationship but also terrified at being a single mother at 41. My family are all in England so I won't have them to help. I'm trying to be understanding of him but I'm so hurt. I'm worried all this stress and crying is bad for the baby and they will end up with depression too.

 

[Bats11]

Firstly, Congratulations, but im so sorry you are going through this, falling pregnant is suppose to be a joyous moment not a sad or stressful one.

I think you've made the right choice, just know with time things will get easier.

All the very best xx

 

[Livsmom]

I am so sorry to hear about your break up. Pregnancy is hard enough without someone to support you. Just remember at the end of 9 months you will have a beautiful little miracle that loves you FOREVER and no matter what! Kids are so wonderful. Men come and go but your kids are always there for you. Keep us posted on your testing results and try not to be too depressed. He sounds like a total jackass...you are better off without him!!

 

[bloomtastic]

Thanks to all of you. I'm still really scared about being a single mom at 41 and doing the whole thing alone. Is there anyone out there who has done it and would give me the full, truthful picture?!

 

[SarahSausage]

I have been there and my son is now almost 20. I cant say there weren't some hard times but every one of them were worth it! I was single from he was 1 until 13 when i met my husband & we now have a beautiful daughter & another on the way. My relationship with my son is extremely close because it was just me and him.

 

[charlie15]

Just read this thread and wanted to say both sorry about your break up and this experience but congratulations on your pregnancy. pregnancy is tough anyway even without going through all of this. I'm not a single mother so cannot give any first hand experience but I have friends who are and it has amazing ups and downs, I think it's tough but it's something that all i know who are single parents always say so matter how tough it gets it's always worth it and they never regret their decision. They all have very close bonds with their children which is lovely to see. Keep us posted, is there a single parent section on here somewhere??

 

[ravenmel]

Keep the baby if it's what you want . He'll either come around or you'll both move on.Trust me we all think can I do this, is this the right time etc etc but some how when the baby comes all those fears go away and you work it out, with or without him.

Oh and FYI I'm single with a 20 month old LO and 38 weeks pregnant due to ex's issues long story. How I'm doing this I have no idea really I just take each day as it comes and try to thing positive I feel blessed to have my child and be pregnant again even thought the situation is far from ideal.

 

[Squiggy]

We can all give you our support, stories, and thoughts. But at the end of the day you will still be left with all the same questions about what to do.

As a student of psychology I'd like to tell you what I see.
I see someone who would otherwise be in ecstacy that she is getting her dream of being a parent.
I see someone who has been given a gift she's always wanted.
I see someone who joined a baby forum so she could find out everything there is to know.
And I see someone who is crushed by her partner's indifference to the fact that your dream has come true.

It's the last one that will have the most impact of course.
Taking the route of psychology I am not allowed to tell you what to think or do, only to have you ask yourself what to think or do.
The fact that he used the term "ruin my life" raises some red flags to me on how he might treat the child. It's unhealthy and can be traumatic to be raised in a home where one parent resents your presence and can be devestating to realize or find out that that parent "never wanted you."
Your relationship, whether you terminate this baby or keep this baby, will work our or it will not work out. You have to ask yourself which is more important: your happiness or his.

What about you? How do you think you will feel if you terminate your baby? Do you think you will suffer a major depression? Perhaps require medications? Possibly lose your job because you would be so consumed by your loss. And how might your husband support your loss? Do you think he will be anymore supportive of you then?

As a person and not a student, I can have an opinion. My opinion as a 34-year old woman is that no man has ever returned what I've given.
I haven't allowed myself to become pregnant because we're struggling financially and I don't want to add "problems." I'm so afraid of not being able to give it "the life it deserves" that I'm depriving myself of the joy of motherhood waiting for our financial situation to magically get better. Year after year the cycle repeats and I become more miserable. But to be honest, if I became pregnant, I would be so happy to know that I was finally going to be a mom. I want it so badly. As a person and not a student I would say Don't take this away from yourself.
My mom ended up alone because her husband became abusive toward both of us because I wasn't a boy. I grew up without a father. My mother struggled terribly. She's my best friend. When one is cut, the other bleeds. It was always that way and will always be.
I believe that things are meant to be when they happen. There is always a light, no matter how small. You will get through. With or without his support or his presence. Things will be difficult sometimes. With or without his support or his presence.

Many wishes to you. You and your baby will succeed.

 

[julipet12]

jus want 2 let u know that all will be well with u! u are a strong woman and because u have decided io keep the lil angel.....greater things r ahead of u. the child is ours and will never abandon u. men cum and go and if he was really meant fo u en, hed never leave u just bcz uve fallen pregnant. instead he wld love u mo. maybe he is just scared abt e baby. anway, jst dont sress and focus on the gift of life God has besowed upon u. tok to yo family even if ey r far away from u. ey love u n sho u hev frenz who care 2. u r not alone n u will realise irs e best decision uve ever made. All e best n God bless u!!!!!!!!

 

[prickly]

Thanks to all of you. I'm still really scared about being a single mom at 41 and doing the whole thing alone. Is there anyone out there who has done it and would give me the full, truthful picture?!

I'm 41 and pregnant with my second child.
I brought up my 11 year old on my own (by choice) and although its been hard at times...financially and emotionally...she is my greatest achievement in life.

I have tried to conceive a sibling since 2003 for her, to no avail...lost one last year at nearly 9 weeks...and this hit me hard.

I feel I have been given a miracle...the chance to help in forming and shaping another human beings life....that is such a precious gift...I hope you follow your heart with this one. Start planning practically for the things you will both need...don't be scared...be EXCITED! This will be such as magical new experience for you and life is about LIVING!

Good luck.

 

[daisy72]

Thanks to all of you. I'm still really scared about being a single mom at 41 and doing the whole thing alone. Is there anyone out there who has done it and would give me the full, truthful picture?!

Hi, I am 40 and I brought up my first child by myself. He is 13 now, and he is an intelligent and sweet boy. It wasn't easy, as I worked full time and had no family around, just like you. My son had a mild form of ADHD (which is now almost gone), and it was another challenge for us. However, we survived . Now I am happily married, we also have a 15 months old daughter and another baby on the way. Please don't feel scared, in our 40-s we are more self-confident and more stable in every way... things will work out if you set your mind for it.
I would think about the alternative... imagine you terminated this pregnancy, but the relationship would still not work out in the end... that would be a real nightmare!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[AmesLouise]

I'm so glad that you decided to keep the baby. I know you are going through hard times now, but you and your baby are both better off without him in your life, if he chooses not to be a positive influence. Life would be worse having all that negative linger for years on end. It's easier to end it before baby arrives, then later. Big ((HUGS)) for you!