Problems with OH

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by jennie_78, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. jennie_78

    jennie_78 Mum to Caitlin, and TTC

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    Im not sure even how to word this, or how it will come across :nope:

    I thought that i had the perfect relationship with my OH, and Caitlin had made it complete.
    Yesterday i was having a really bad day as i was'nt feeling too good. When OH came home from work all he wanted to talk about was how busy HE had been at work.
    When i said well you should try looking after a baby, keeping 2 dogs happy and walked, doing the housework and laundry. He started saying all i cared about these days was LO, and i found him, the dogs and everything else just a hassle. He said whenever he's talking to me about anything i cut in with something about the baby. To be fair i do sometimes, but only important things that pop into my head and just want to tell him so i dont forget to.

    Well he was still in a mood this morning, and has txt me saying that he is looking into rehoming the dogs. But i did'nt mean i didnt want them, i just meant that they were part of my day and i also had to make sure they were happy.
    So now i will have FIL saying all sorts about me as he got us the dogs, and OH said in the txt that his dad said im just great moaning about them. Ive txt OH explaining what i meant, but he hasnt replied.

    Im so fed up, why cant he realise that its hard looking after LO and getting everything else done. Some days i dont get much done depending on how LO is. But, we enjoy our walk with the dogs, it breaks the day up and we get fresh air.

    On one hand i wonder if my OH is jealous of all my attention going to LO, but then he's really good with her and does her evening feeds, cuddles her, has mat time with her etc.

    I just cant work out what his problem is, but i dont want to lose him.
    Is anyone elses OH like this ? :nope:
     
  2. Cheesepuff

    Cheesepuff Well-Known Member

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    So sorry you're going through this, men can find it so hard to realise how hard it is to look after the Little ones.... I know my hubby thinks I sit here on the couch all day watching TV and doing nothing, but sure someone has to do the laundy, cook dinners, iron, hoover feed the baby etc etc, he just doesn't see it the same way I do.

    Your LO is still so young, try to enjoy this time as they grow up so fast.
    My only advice would be to sit down with your hubbu and have a good talk, explain how you feel and maybe get him to look after your LO for the day so he sees how hard it really is... Sorry I'm no helo, but I know what you're going through !!!
     
  3. history_girls

    history_girls Mummy to 2 Girlies

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    Things with my OH came to a head last night - not as bad as yours - but similar! I got really annoyed because since LO has been born his work load has shot through the roof and all he wanted to do was prove that his job was much much worse and more demanding than a day with the LO. On monday LO cried on and off for 6 hours! I had a good rant about all i do - cooking, cleaning, christmas bits, the dog, helping my sister and the LO. I know I shouldn't moan as in August we thought he was going to be made redundant but I just feel that he is ok saying no to me and the LO but not work.

    Well after a few hours of tears I said all of this and i think he was a little devestated by it. He isn't jealous of the LO but i think he sometimes wishes we were just the two of us. I think our row cleared the air and we will have to see how it goes!

    Hang in there!
     
  4. steph1505

    steph1505 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Cheesepuff...men really dont realise how much of a job it is to look after a baby! At least at their jobs, they get a lunch break and toilet breaks...I dont know how many times Ive had to eat my lunch with one hand...or let it go cold! Dont get me wrong, I love it but it is hard work. And I know if OH had the choice, he would rather be at home with us than at work but I still dont think he realises how difficult it is! Its like a juggling game...u have to do the dishes while the washing machine is on, in between feeds and nappy changes!!

    What I would do is, wait til he has a day off and then you go out for a few hours and he will soon realise that you dont just sit on the couch all day long!! x x x
     
  5. becstar

    becstar Sleep is for the weak

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    My husband comes home from work (sometimes only a 6 hour shift) and wants time to use the loo, have a wash, sit down and chill out etc before doing anything else... meanwhile I have had to have a poo with a baby watching me, need a shower badly and have had NO me time the whole day... He leaves the house early so he can get to work early and chill out a bit first, and has alone time on the bus journey, too (which is door to door so not exactly stressful).

    He is going to be a stay at home dad from Jan 4th and the shock is going to kill him!!!!!
     
  6. littlekitten8

    littlekitten8 Mummy of 1

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    I had this problem with my OH too. He accused me of not caring about him and only caring about myself and the baby. We had a massive argument about it and nearly ended up splitting up. Turns out he was jealous of the bond I had with James because he was scared of him cos he was so small. Now James is doing more he is alot better.
     
  7. bloodbinds

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    I'm probably not the best person to give advice as my OH left me! Lol. But i've found that writing a letter works. First write a letter yelling at him, swearing and shouting about how hard it is to do all that at home on your own. Then burn it or tear it up. Then write a letter explaining calmly how much you have to do in the day and explain how stressful it can be. Tell him you wish he would be more understanding and sensitive about it. Also apologise in the letter if it seems you're making everything about LO, and tell him you will make an effort not to do that. End the letter with telling him how much you love him. Then give him the letter :)

    For me and my friends this works. Make sure you write the angry letter first, so you can blow off any steam and it makes you feel better, and once its written down onve the annoyance and anger wont be transferred onto the second letter. And do remember to get rid of the first letter!! Lol.
     
  8. jennie_78

    jennie_78 Mum to Caitlin, and TTC

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    Thanks everyone.

    It's reasuring to know other couple's go through this as well. It just shocked me as we hardly ever fall out :nope:
    I know his job is stressful, and maybe i do get too caught up in my own day.
    I think he does know how hard it is, as he already has 2 older kids. Plus he always says to me on a saturday that he's doing the night feeds so i can have a full nights sleep etc.. So i am lucky with him.

    Thanks bloodbinds the letter is something im defo going to do. We always used to write each other letters, i even used to put little notes in his lunch. Somehow, we that stopped as i guess we started taking each other for granted. So i will write him a lovely letter.
     
  9. Pyrrhic

    Pyrrhic Well-Known Member

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    I'm going to offer a different perspective here.

    It's not that he doesn't care about your day, or you and the baby.

    However, when he comes home from work it's only natural that he will talk about what he's done during the day. It's his way of releasing any tension from work so he can settle into 'home' mode, but also a way of connecting with you after he hasn't seen you all day.

    I imagine if you are interrupting him, telling him off, etc then he will begin to feel shoved out of his relationship with you and start to feel like an outsider. Hence the comments about it being about you and the baby. He probably feels as though there is no longer any room for him, and his feelings are no longer important.

    By cutting him off, you are saying to him that he and his day is not important. By then telling him he doesn't care enough about you and the baby, he will see that as a personal attack and will become defensive and argumentative.

    In a partnership, you are both equal to each other. I'm sure he doesn't fully understand how hard it is to look after a LO (No man ever seems to!) but he shouldn't be punished for going to work all day. You should be able to listen to one another equally, and realise that although you both have very different days he wants to still come home and share his day with you and I'm sure when he's finished he'd want to know how you and LO have been. It isn't him being spiteful, mean, or uncaring. It's just a way to connect back to his home life, and a way to de-stress a bit.


    Honestly, I wouldn't write a letter. Just apologise, explain to him why you felt the way you did and just give him a cuddle.
     
  10. faille

    faille Mummy & WTT

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    I agree with Rafwife and littlekitten.

    I don't think it's about him not understanding how hard your day is, I think it's about him feeling pushed out and not part of your day.

    Like Rafwife said, by interupting him, you're basically saying that your day and what LO done is by far more important than anything he's got to say.

    It's hard, it's hard not talking about LO all the time, that's all I want to do! But when my OH comes home from work I always make an effort to ask how his day was and let him talk about him first. Then the rest of the evening is usually me jabbering on about LO lol! But I (hope) that by making an effort to talk about him first, he feels as if he isn't missing out or being pushed out iyswim? By talking about him first I hope that he feels just as important to me as ever.


    ETA: Reading that back, it sounded quite harsh!! I don't mean it harshly at all, I just mean that a lot of guys can end up feeling this way and it's so easy to fall into the situation. We do it without realising it and it's not until something happens that makes us realise it that we can change it. It's only natural for you to want to talk about LO all the time and feel that LO is more important than work and they are! But you've got to remember as well that work is the only thing that OH has got to talk about iygwim? It's a lot easier for us to bond with LOs when we look after them all day. It's not uncommon at all for the man to feel left out or even jealous of the baby. I'm just trying to say don't be too hard on him thinking he doesn't appreciate what you do x
     
  11. AP

    AP Well-Known Member
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    oooooh raf wife as just made me realise something, i mean, OH is great but i dint think of things like that - thanks hunny x
     
  12. jennie_78

    jennie_78 Mum to Caitlin, and TTC

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    Thanks rafwife and faille.

    I should have thought, and put myself in his position. No wonder he gets so upset, im going to have to stop interupting him, show more interest in his work life, and i suppose he doesnt need to know half of the things i tell him about LO, well not when hes just got in from work lol.
    Im just glad that he has 2 weeks off over xmas so he can relax, and we can spend some quality time together.
     
  13. Kit

    Kit Well-Known Member

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    It's tricky - when I have had a particularly difficult day I do want to whinge at OH and I do find myself thinking that he has it easier at work, but most of the time I can just about remember that while he is running about meeting deadlines and trying to get people to do what they should have done weeks ago, I am doing what he would love to be doing - spending time with the baby, watching him learn new things and have new experiences.
     
  14. faille

    faille Mummy & WTT

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    I'm sure that'll do you both the world of good :flower:
     
  15. jennie_78

    jennie_78 Mum to Caitlin, and TTC

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    Thanks faille, im sure it will. He missed out a bit when she was born as he had the 2 week stat paternity booked off, and work kept pestering him so he had to go back a week early. I had been in hospital 4 days so he only had a few days off with us once we were home.
     
  16. lyre

    lyre Well-Known Member

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    i agree with rafwife too, but i think a lovely letter telling him how much you care and appreciate him would go a long way to helping him understand that you havent changed the way you feel about him and as lo grows you will have more time/space to reconnect with each other more x
     
  17. Duffy

    Duffy Well-Known Member

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    HI ya, well having a baby is a HUGE adjustment on both ends, but putting that aside no one likes to be intrupted a bunch of times. My advice is hear him out on whatever he has to say it makes what he says hold value just as equal to what you say.

    Give it time the knots where kink themselves out your both making major adjustments to a new baby.
     

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