Question for SAHMs

[silverbelle]

My husband is a new SAHD. He takes excellent care of our fourth month old daughter. I went back to work when she was one month old.

My questions is- is it really expecting too much of him to take care of her and do the cleaning as well? I don't mean all of it, but I do mean keeping the house tidy. Bigger chores like dusting and vacuuming can wait until the weekend and I help with those.

But right now, during the day all he does is baby and laundry. I usually do grocery shopping, and everything else is shared between us at times when I am home.

I haven't said anything to him because I don't want to get into a big fight when he is doing a really good job with the baby and gives her his undivided attention. But I feel like if it was the other way around, people (maybe even him?) would expect me take care of her, cook and clean. And honestly, it seams like lots of SAHMs do all this. I would like to add some to his daytime responsibilities, but I wanted to get some perspective first. Thanks!

 

[dragonfly26]

I do everything household. With a toddler and infant I do all the cleaning, cooking , shopping, laundry, makes sure all bills are paid, etc. I do know that if it was my husband staying home it would not be like this, he has a hard time multitasking and it really is a lot of work. No one can tell you what works for your family he may feel like it's working the way it is. I know I would appreciate it if my husband did more household chores even though he leaves for work everyday.

 

[chezababy]

I would say that it depends a lot on how easy your lo is to look after. I do all housework, cooking etc but if I have a bad day it doesn't get done and there is nothing I can do about that. I think if your lo sleeps ok I would at least expect things like the washing up to be done. If they don't sleep well then I wouldn't expect anything to be done. When my lo doesn't nap the last thing I want to do is housework (or if she's had me up all night).

 

[Pielette]

I'm a sahm. My husband works full time and is out of the house from 7.30am until 7pm or thereabouts. As a result I don't expect him to do any cleaning. I do expect him to tidy up after himself so that it's easy for me to clean.

He does however help me out with things at the weekend if I need it and childcare is 50/50 when we're both home. He also tends to do most of the cooking and will sometimes also clear up afterwards. It's not a clear divide of I do everything and he does nothing.

 

[TMonster]

I am a WAHM so its a bit different but at 7 weeks it is already overwhelming to me to take care of the baby and clean. I will also say that DH is a total slob. I mean he will use a new cup each time he wants to drink and leave it half full all over the place, leave plates, take out containers etc. everywhere so it is difficult for me to keep up with his super mess and washing and sanitizing bottles and pumping supplies every day. My mother came by a couple of times to help me clean, I send out my laundry to be done and ever since Monday I have a housekeeper coming by once and possibly increasing it to twice a week.

I had all these dreams of being a super mom and taking my daughter for walks for an hour each day and reading to her every night etc. and between pumping and cleaning I can barely keep it together.

That said, I do all the cooking so I take care of the grocery shopping although I go to Costco once a month with DH and I place online grocery orders for other things I need and I only go to the store for little things like cravings or juice/milk that I run out of. I plan meals and I do marinate skirt steak and pork chops before throwing them into the freezer so DH can defrost and make them himself if I am not up to cooking sometimes. We also get food delivered sometimes.

BUT I also have to work. I have skype sessions with my team 3 days a week and long conference call every Saturday at 2pm to go over all the work that was done during the week and I spend at least 2 hours a day working other than the work sessions (I am just very fast) and the amount of work I will have to do will increase over time so I do that in addition to deal with the baby.

DH is also very helpful with the baby. He tries to get home earlier when he can, he will usually watch her for 3-4 hours in the evening after he gets home so I can cook/work/pump and he will take her on Saturdays for my conference call.

I was complaining that DH didn't help me enough and I was overwhelmed and his mother started telling me how every woman she knows did 95% of the childcare and the household stuff and that my generation is just "spoiled" and that even when she worked she still did 75% of the household and childcare stuff. I find that to be obnoxious.

I tidy up a bit when I can but I don't have a dishwasher and cooking and cleaning and washing dishes and taking care of the baby and weekly doctor appointments and meal planning/grocery shopping (even if done online still takes time) and playing/soothing/bathing and night feeds etc. It's a lot.

Some people may be able to handle it all and some can't. I think it depends on your baby and overall household situation.

I told DH that I don't want another kid until we can afford a full time nanny because some days are just too much for me and the cleaning really is a lot for me. I don't sleep as it is, I have black circles and bags under my eyes and some days I live off of juice and milk because I have no time to eat. I lost 47 of the 50 pounds I put on within the first 3 weeks of giving birth because I had no time to eat and I was pumping all day.

You can gently suggest it to him but if it becomes an expectation it might be a bit much. Some days if the baby is easier he might be able to manage things more easily but other days he cannot and if you will get into a fight because the house is a mess sometimes and he said he would clean or he is expected to it may cause problems.

Yes, some women do it and I am amazed at how they are able to but I know that I cannot.

 

[WelshOneEmma]

My husband is a new SAHD. He takes excellent care of our fourth month old daughter. I went back to work when she was one month old.

My questions is- is it really expecting too much of him to take care of her and do the cleaning as well? I don't mean all of it, but I do mean keeping the house tidy. Bigger chores like dusting and vacuuming can wait until the weekend and I help with those.

But right now, during the day all he does is baby and laundry. I usually do grocery shopping, and everything else is shared between us at times when I am home.

I haven't said anything to him because I don't want to get into a big fight when he is doing a really good job with the baby and gives her his undivided attention. But I feel like if it was the other way around, people (maybe even him?) would expect me take care of her, cook and clean. And honestly, it seams like lots of SAHMs do all this. I would like to add some to his daytime responsibilities, but I wanted to get some perspective first. Thanks!

Haha, I know I shouldn't laugh but I can help it! I went back to work when Emilia was 5 months old and my hubby took over my remaining maternity leave. He thought it wouldn't be too hard and he could get things done, plus play a little play station too.

After 6 months he's now back in work and finding work is a lot easier. He really struggled to keep the house tidy and look after Emilia - and I work from home as well so would sometimes take over for an hour. He got up with her at 5.30am, so would sleep when she did.

It frustrated us both but we eventually came to accept that during the day the house got trashed, then once she goes to bed we worked like buggary to get the house a little tidy and then blitz on the weekend.

I think men struggle a bit more with it, but then again I struggled with it too when I had her. We ended up getting a cleaner in occasionally.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I think it's all about your family dynamics. My husband doesn't expect me to do the majority of the cleaning (I do right now because he's gone). We agreed I would stay home to take care of our daughter, not become the maid. He has always helped with cleaning though, so I got lucky.

I clean up after Evelyn day-to-day and do other things as I feel like it, but he definitely helps when he is home. Now if she was in school/daycare that would be a different story, since watching a child would no longer be my main "job".

You should talk to him about it if it bothers you.

 

[Dream.dream]

I posted a similar thread to this a while back asking what is was like for other people

Go me if he's at home he should do the majority of the cleaning and such so you get some time with baby when you get home from work. To me it should be like a 90/10 split .

 

[Scout]

I would say it depends on the day your lo is having. I'm a SAHM, but I'm also single so I do everything, but there are days when she will not nap unless I'm holding her, so nothing but the necessities get done (like cleaning her bottles). If your lo goes down on her own for her naps, then I'd expect more household things to be done than just laundry.

 

[MumToEva]

I think it depends on your baby. If she is an easy or average baby, then yes, him doing the housework is probably realistic, but if she is a difficult baby then things are a bit different. I say that because my first was a difficult baby, and getting anything done except looking after her was difficult as she was justconstant, day and night, and i was constantly exhausted, whereas now that I have 2 my baby is an easier temperament and I have no problem doing the housework around the 2 of them. I personally prefer to get the housework done during the week as it means we both get the weekend free for family time.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I would expect my DH to do the majority of the housework if he was a SAHD. I'm a WAHM (I work 20 hours a week, it's quite a demanding job) and do most of the housework, cooking and things around the house. DH would do stuff if I asked him to though. It does depend on your individual circumstances and your LO though. My DS is a complete whirlwind and although I tidy a lot my house is not as tidy as I'd like it to be by any means. Every now and then I get fed up and DH will help me to do a big clean (or take the kids out so I can clean with both hands lol). You'll know your LO though and how do-able it is for your OH to get housework done. I'd probably draw up a list of housework that needs to be done and talk to your OH about setting up a schedule to make sure it gets done. Not telling him "you should be able to do this during the day" or whatever but just talk about who will do what and how you can schedule it so it gets done. That might make him think "oh hang on that's a lot of stuff that needs to be done, I'll take on x y z during the week".

 

[MommyGrim]

I definitely agree it depends on your baby. With DD1, there was NO way I could clean when I was alone with her. She was SUPER needy baby and refused to be put down (this was before I knew ANYTHING about babywearing) Now, with the twins, they are extremely content and I could actually get quite a bit done usually (they had a bad day yesterday so I got nothing done) so I know I'm definitely expected to do more since I have the availability to do more.

 

[amjon]

In the beginning that's probably about all he's able to do. I have to get almost everything done once they've gone to sleep.

 

[silverbelle]

I don't expect him to be the maid, I would just like things to be a little less "busy" when I get home. Small things like picking up the clean dishes would help so much! Even if he hand LO off to me and then does some housework, which he often does, it doesn't feel relaxing at all because we are both just getting stuff done. I guess that might be my new life! LOL

I have put off bringing it up because for two reasons- It is his first time taking care of such a young infant/baby, so I was accounting for a learning curve. And although LO is a very content/good baby, she takes lots of little 30 minute naps, but rarely sleeps for a long time, and when she is awake, she is very happy, but you pretty much have to be paying attention to her. Not carrying her all the time (although she is happy in a carrier, and he does wear her often) but at least talking to her/with her, so I get that it would require him to basically not take many breaks and take advantage of the naps to do things, rather than rest. *sigh* I just HATE coming home to a messy house! it stresses me out!

 

[Peggy O]

I quit my job to be a SAHM. I do the majority of household things, including cleaning, cooking, shoveling, plumbing, roof repair and other traditional man jobs (no one get all offended, that's just what I call them) OH does help, he needs specific instructions though, and has told me that. It works well for us. He works full time +, an hour away, till 11pm M-F. I am home when Lily is asleep and have free time from 7pm - 11. It makes more sense for me to deal with most things household. When he is here on weekends, he does pitch in more. I also tend to know more about repairs and whatnot, I had a DIY and bill the landlord apartment for 16 years before OH and I bought this house. He hasn't done any cleaning or Mr Fix It type things often. I have. Just easier for me to do it myself.

 

[whistle]

I would say at 4 months old with your first baby there would definitely be days where zero housework would get done. It takes a long time to adjust and get into a routine. I find it easier to cope with 2 this time round but still definitely have days when if we are all alive by 7pm then that's a job well done!

Unfortunately for my husband who works 9-5 both our lives are non stop. We never really get a break, it's just switching child care for house work and vice versa. I'm expecting this to get easier when baby is more independent.

Sounds like your hubby doesn't get much chance in the day to stop and have lunch or just relax for 10 mins - even most jobs out of the home give you chance for a tea break. He'll get the hang of it soon enough and naturally manage to balance things better.

 

[Trishg21]

I don't think it is unrealistic for you to expect him to do those things. I do all household stuff. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, the works. That is my job along with taking care of LO.

 

[Conundrum]

As most users have said it does come down to the difficulty of your baby. Honestly though things can still be done, but you can do them together if you find the time. It took a while since DH is gone 12hrs and day and sleeps 8 but we finally have a routine and we manage. Approaching the subject is also a big thing, since I find men tend to have their egos bruised when it comes to childcare. Approaching it as a team effort seriously helped us.

For instance if meals are a big thing, buy a slow cooker, it is a life saver. Prepare all your meals on the weekend put them in bags with seasonings included and have him put it on in the morning. Same as in the oven if you would rather.

Our big thing are toys, DD is not occupied by just one for long so our house fills quickly. Make an area hers and keep them there. You can put it in her bedroom in a corner and let her have a blast. No pick up for you and your house is instantly a bit cleaner.

Dishes he can do during the day, and you can put them away at night. It is less nosier so if he would rather do them during her naps it makes the task simpler.

Simply put make it easier for him to do the house work and he most likely will pick it up faster and in a better mood. I did not handle being a SAHM well in the beginning. DH was only off for a week and I had a baby with reflux and colic and one who needed to feed every hour on the hour(was bffing at the time), so I became overwhelmed quickly. It ended up with us not talking for a week so handling the situation correctly is important. Just make sure to think well on it and if you need and if you need tips feel free to pm.

 

[silverbelle]

I wanted to clarify that when I said "add to his daytime responsibilities" it would be a co-operative conversation, not me ordering him.

Since neither of us has been a stay at home parent before, I didn't really know what to expect, and I want to approach it fairly and nicely. I do think his primary job is raising our daughter, hence stay at home DAD. But I also think that working and doing 50% around the house, along with pumping and breastfeeding at night, means that right now I end up with a bigger share.

Sounds like
-he could probably do more eventually
-there will be days it's not possible
-first baby might be harder to multi-task with (and I will even admit he's not the best multi-tasker )

 

[nevernormal]

I'm a SAHM with a baby who catnaps.

It depends on your baby, but I think it also depends on your husband. Yes, theoretically he should be able to do it all. But personally, I'm not NATURALLY a neat person. It simply doesn't occur to me sometimes to clean things up, even though I like them clean, and I have to put a lot of effort into being intentional about it! I would've found it much more helpful when my hubby was working if he helped me maintain a neat house rather than just expecting it from me and leaving me to get overwhelmed from a bad day, as then things just started to pile up and it's hard to dig myself out. My daily goals are baby, laundry (from start to finish, not just letting it sit at one stage or another!), and dishes/the kitchen.

Sounds like you guys aren't there, since you do help out, but I would probably do what a pp suggested and make up a list of weekly duties and see if he's willing to split them up or something. Tell him you'd like to be able to have more of the evenings & weekends free to just enjoy each other and your daughter.

It is hard with a catnapper who also likes attention while awake (like my son), but there are ways to do things. You said your DH wears your daughter. He can wear her while vacuuming, for example, and get that done during the week.

Time will help too, of course, but sometimes we fall into habits and have to be intentional about changing them. So even when he starts getting more free time and your daughter becomes more independent it might not occur to him to do more. My son started taking longer naps just after he turned 6 months, so that's helpful. Also, once he was strong enough for back carries it's been even easier to do chores while wearing him as I don't have to reach around him. Sometimes it will even put him to sleep so he just naps while I make the bed, or fold laundry and put it away, etc. I've danced in place while washing dishes to put him to sleep before .

If your DH is anything like me, he probably feels like his job is neverending! You said he hands the baby off to you in the evenings so he can do other stuff. I would do that while my DH was working, but honestly I felt like I needed a break too, but my work just increased when he got home! It would be nice to all relax together =)

Maybe ask him what things you can do to help the day go smoother. For example, with washing dishes, part of where I get behind is not having space to put clean ones to dry. For a while, our agreement was that I would wash all dishes as long as my DH put them away for me in a timely manner. This made the dishes seem like less of a big task since I didn't have to put everything away before I washed again. There might be certain steps of different tasks that are stopping him from ever starting, if that makes sense!