Question for SAHMs

[nevernormal]

Oh, also, he could totally take the baby grocery shopping! If you like doing it or want to do it because you do the cooking (do you?), that's fine, but I've done it a lot. It's SO much faster and nicer to go in the mornings, rather than on the weekends or in the evenings because less people are there. Menu planning & making a grocery list will help there!

If you're having/wanting to do most of the cooking, you could take one Saturday a month to put up some freezer meals. You don't have to do the whole month, but even if you did 1-2 per week, and he just has to throw them in the oven or something, that would be one less "busy" task for you those evenings =)

 

[Conundrum]

Oh I am sorry for the confusion but I did not mean ordering. Like the PP said his personality has a lot to play in it. My DH personally felt he was doing the majority by just working, but we have a very difficult baby. One day I was too sick to care for her, and he took off of work and changed his tune quickly. I am just saying if you have one like mine no matter how much you approach it, he still may feel he is doing his part by just being with her not matter how you see it. I was just mentioning it was personally easier coming at it as a team effort, since even when I did ask it rarely got done since he really did not understand.

Hopefully though you have a simpler DH, I could strangle mine at times but I do love him and he is coming around

 

[Lawgirl]

My LO is 5 months old and I barely do anything around the house, bar putting a few clothes in the wash. She only catnaps during the day and wants attention during the day (and I mean face to face, she doesn't like slings). So when she does sleep I take the opportunity to rest, not clean. It doesn't help that I don't like cleaning or cooking. When DH comes home I might make dinner or wash some bottles, but just as often he will do this. At the weekend we will share, but mostly he does the cleaning.

When he becomes a SAHD I expect that he will be much cleaner and tidier than I am, as that is in his nature, so I am likely to come home to a cleaner house than it is at the moment.

 

[Nela]

I'm a SAHM and must admit, I'm not getting much done these days! Not because I don't want to, but because it's just so hard for me to get used to juggling kiddo. Kiddo starts to scream the minute I put him down. Now, I was all like "Well, tough, kid! You're gonna learn that mummy needs to do stuff so you can cry all you want!" but that didn't help either of us. I have learnt to prioritize things and he is my priority so I just hold him and play with him. IF he naps, then I will rush around to try and do things but sometimes that might mean I don't get to eat! I did that a few times until my sugar dropped enough that I almost passed out. I've had to learn to put him first, me second, doggy third, and everything else after that. I get some done though but we mess the house way faster than I can clean it all. We really need to discipline ourselves to clean as we go as that would help us a lot but yeah, that's a challenge for us. When OH comes home, he gets baby time and I cook. I would have to clean after that but it's late and we just want some family time. This really leaves us the weekend and then I am happy to leave him with kiddo while I clean some. I do think I should do more of the cleaning, not because I don't think he should clean, or we should share it, it's my job etc. but because I have more time with kiddo in the week than he does and I greatly value his time with him. I'd rather he spend some of his weekend with kiddo rather than clean. I don't go mental with the cleaning though. Kiddo is only 3 months old, he's just learning to enjoy us and we're just learning to adapt to our new life. That's what works for us right now.

 

[BellaBoo0512]

I'm a SAHM and I do all of the house work, cooking, laundry, shopping, sorting bills out etc as well as looking after LO. Some days I get more done than others.

OH works mon-fri 9-5 and his jobs conclude of taking the rubbish out every couple of days, changing the cats litter and sterilising LO's bottles but he only does that a few times a week and I do it the other times.

Even on weekends everything is left upto me. I wouldn't mind if he actually tidied up after himself but I'm constantly cleaning up after him.

Sometimes it feels like I've got 2 kids!

I'm pretty sure if OH stayed at home with LO and I went to work that I would still be expected to do all the house stuff. I don't know why but he seems to think that house work is women's work. So annoying!

 

[Louise88]

I do everything in my house, I remember housework was really hard to keep on top of at 4-6months though as this was the age my daughter wanted constant attention/stimulation and she relied on me to give it to her as she couldn't crawl or anything herself so she was pretty much relying on me to entertain her all the time so it remember a lot of housework didn't get done until my oh had a day off as it wasn't possible or my daughter would just get bored and cry/scream the place down. I don't know if your daughters similar at the moment and just demanding to much of daddy's attention so he's struggling to keep on top of everything?

If it was me working and my oh a SAHD I know I'd expect him to do cleaning and keep on top of things while I was at work but I'd help him on my days off. But in a real life situation I know he'd leave the kids to play, sit on the ps3 and do nothing and expect me to go to work and do all the house work

 

[HPmum2B]

I do everything household. With a toddler and infant I do all the cleaning, cooking , shopping, laundry, makes sure all bills are paid, etc. I do know that if it was my husband staying home it would not be like this, he has a hard time multitasking and it really is a lot of work. No one can tell you what works for your family he may feel like it's working the way it is. I know I would appreciate it if my husband did more household chores even though he leaves for work everyday.

I agree with this. I am pregnant and have a 14 month old, and I pretty much do it all. But I also know if my husband was at home not even half of what I do would get done... and what he did do would not be right!! ha ha. He can load and unload the dishwasher, that's about as far as it goes.

I would say that it depends a lot on how easy your lo is to look after. I do all housework, cooking etc but if I have a bad day it doesn't get done and there is nothing I can do about that. I think if your lo sleeps ok I would at least expect things like the washing up to be done. If they don't sleep well then I wouldn't expect anything to be done. When my lo doesn't nap the last thing I want to do is housework (or if she's had me up all night).

I agree with this too. There are days when I do literally nothing! If I have had a bad night, or a bad nap time, I just don't have the energy. Sometimes I have to sleep when LO is asleep. And the chores get left.

On a proactive day, I will clean the kitchen while LO is self feeding in her highchair. And I will clean the bathroom (not with bleach) when LO is in the bath. I will dust the living room while LO is playing with her toys. Etc etc. Then when she goes for her nap, I can either have a bit of me time, or I can get some bonus jobs done.

I found for the first year, I constantly had to change my cleaning methods to suit LO's needs. For the first 3 or 4 months I would clean/tidy with LO in a sleeping in a sling or baby carrier.

 

[DianaB]

I'm a SAHM and I really don't get much done other than laundry while looking after my two. I have an extremely high energy toddler who fights her nap and end up as an extremely tired cranky toddler as the day goes on and a 2 month old with severe reflux who never sleeps during the day. My husband is just happy to come home and find me not crying or curled in a ball somewhere lol. He's always been good at picking up the loose ends when I can't get things done though, the entirety of my second pregnancy he did everything in the house while also working 9 hours a day because I had HG and couldn't even look after myself. Also he does all the cooking because his stomach knows better then to let me do it.

 

[aliss]

Learning to balance a baby and all the household duties takes a bit of a learning curve. It was hard for me as the so-called intuitive mother (lol), I'm sure it's just as hard for him too. It's a learning curve, it's a new "career" for him, and I would recommend giving him plenty of time to learn to adjust to coping with all the duties.

I do EVERYTHING and I'm home with a baby and an autistic 3 year old. It is completely effortless now - but when that 3 year old was 4 months old, I was a wreck and couldn't figure out how to do it straight. It was much harder than now, even though I technically have an extra kid and a harder kid to deal with. It took me time. Give him time.

 

[cbass929]

I'm a SAHM, i have 3 children. MY oldest being almost 8 and my youngest 11 months. I have always been the one doing EVERYTHING around the house and for the kids. I wish like crazy my DH would help me do something!! It's actually really starting to take a toll on me here lately because i just have so much going on and he comes home and sits on his butt looking on his phone!
I do not think it would be bad for you to ask him do to a little more but in all honesty i just have my 11 month old at home with me because my older 2 kiddos are in school, there is a lot of days i hardly get anything done around the house. I'm lucky if i get the dishes done and maybe a load of clothes done, but i also take my kids to school and pick them up in the afternoon. I do all the shopping during the day when its just me and LO. Most the time since it is just me doing the cleaning around the house, i will do what i can and then after a couple weeks of be behind i just have to stay up real late one night and clean as much as i can to get caught up.
It's harder being a SAHM then most think, esp when there is no help.

 

[Nela]

On a side note, I'm glad to read this thread as it makes me realize I am not the only one learning to juggle things and not getting as much accomplished as I would like...

 

[silverbelle]

I am glad I asked this question! I think that from what was said here, while many people do it all, it would be a lot to expect it from him, especially when he has never cared for a household by himself before. We really do split it when I get home, so I think I am just going to talk to him about taking over the grocery shopping. I usually just do it because I would have to make him a detailed list, but if he went on a weekday morning it would be so much nicer than me going on the weekend and would also give me more time with LO.

 

[susan_1981]

I do as much as I can and my husband does help out a bit. When he gets home from work, he usually takes over with the boys so that I can get on with cooking dinner, cleaning up, etc. There's rarely enough hours in the day for me (I have two under 18 months) so any spare time I do get in the day, I ideally like to try and catch up on some sleep (my youngest is only 6 weeks old). On the weekends, my husband helps out much more because I don't get a day off so I feel that he should help. It's still not the 50/50 split we had when I worked but I don't mind.

I do think if you are working, then it's fair that the person at home does most of the chores, although I do sometimes wish it was me working and my husband at home!

 

[Laurakiaora]

I'm a single mother. I don't currently work for a couple reasons (I had to leave my job after my maternity leave ended... that's another story). I'm on my own with Anna and have had to do everything since day one.

I get an afternoon a week where she goes to nursery in which I blitz the house and clean everything. The rest of the week I try to clean as I go, or I have to do it all once she's in bed (I'm usually on the go until midnight doing laundry, dishes, prep for the next day etc, inbetween having dinner and a bit of time to myself if I can find it).

I'm not saying your husband should be expected to do everything, though it's certainly possible.

I'm sure you can come to an arrangement you're both happy with.

 

[nevernormal]

I am glad I asked this question! I think that from what was said here, while many people do it all, it would be a lot to expect it from him, especially when he has never cared for a household by himself before. We really do split it when I get home, so I think I am just going to talk to him about taking over the grocery shopping. I usually just do it because I would have to make him a detailed list, but if he went on a weekday morning it would be so much nicer than me going on the weekend and would also give me more time with LO.

I hear you on the detailed list! I sent DH out today for a few things, with a detailed list -- 3 items he returned with were wrong! Two were the wrong brand (which I specified) and the other was just wrong completely (he couldn't find what I asked for so got what we thought would be a suitable substitute -- it's not. Oops!). I'll have to run out tomorrow and get the third item as it's for a new recipe so I'd like to have it. You just have to be willing to be flexible. Our husbands don't do things the way we do, and it's much less stressful if we just go with the flow sometimes!

There have been times when my DH wasn't working but I was, and he was doing most of the work. I had to let go some of the control and "housework done imperfectly (aka not the way I would do it!) is still done" became my mantra. That might be the laundry (my DH doesn't sort much), cooking, grocery shopping, etc.

 

[babyhopes2010]

i think aslong as he is trying then that should be good enough.women are naturally multitaskers. men arent so much. they usually fret alot more. i know if my dh was a sahd(it would never happen ) he would get so worked up with making sure baby was ok he wouldnt get anything done.

have a nice chat but go easy on him


im a sahm yes i do pretty much everything but gah its v stressful

 

[dlj2]

In honesty I'm a sahm and my husband does work long hours but virtually does nothing round the house sometimes doesn't even take his own dirty plate from the table!!!
I'd expect a sahd to be doing washing up and cooking dinner if I was working, but I'd then come in and take over bath n bed routine so dad got a break, then all other jobs would be shared. But that's in a perfect world ;-)x

 

[sequeena]

I look after our son 99% of the time, do 99% of the cleaning, all the food shopping and all the cooking.