Rant of an Infertile Woman

[caline]

I am also sick to death of being asked if I've got kids, do I want kids, etc etc. I am a midwife and so get asked this on a daily basis. I wish there was an easy, simple answer to give.

It usually goes...

"Have you got children"?

"No"

"Would you like to have children"?

"Yes"

"But not at the moment"?

?!***!!?!?!*!*!!!?

What the f am I supposed to say to that?!?!?!?!?

 

[sarlar]

ive got a new statement to add to the rant. my good friend from college called to day and asked, "are you pregnant yet??" i said no not yet and she so oh i was hoping you were cause i am!!" ugh... they were not even ttc and in fact she told me she isnt really excited yet !!

 

[R&G2007]

I so know where you're coming from.

Sending you hugs

 

[Serene123]

Not sure if I'm allowed to post in this thread having a little girl, but it's my first miscarriages due date tomorrow and no one seems to remember. My mum came in to tell me a woman who had her baby girl a year after I had mine is due to have a boy in 4 weeks.

I am fed up of every single person (even those who know about my miscarriages) telling me I'm being cruel for not having another baby yet, asking when I'm having another or demanding Igive them a grandson / have a boy.

 

[Leilani]

I like this thread.

My rant is people who know/assume we are TTC, as we only got married 9 months ago (and we're not spring chickens), and they try and engage you in a conversation trying to determine if you are pregnant yet, and they think they are being subtle. Things like:

"What's news for you two?"
"Have you got any plans for Christmas?"
"So and so had a baby - that's good isn't it..."
"Anything else going on?"

To ask one of the questions would be normal, but they always ask them all.

I've had quite a social weekend this weekend - caught up with 3 sets of friends (seperately) that I've not seen in a couple of months - so I found myself going out of my way making sure they knew I wasn't ptregnant to avoid their questions and sympathetic looks. Drinking coffee, have runny poached eggs, talking about drinking (even though I hardly drink at the best of times)

One of my friends annoys me the most, twice she conceived the first month of trying, she's 4 years older than me, and she says "You'll fall soon". I'm not fallling anywhere, it's not like tripping over, it's not an accident!!!!!!!

Rant over.

Actually (and maybe this should be a whole new thread, maybe it already is), but do any of you have a good comeback you use when insensitives inquire about you being pregnant yet? - don't you just love the "yet" - it doesn't add anything to the question, other than emphasising it's taking longer than we'd like!

 

[FBbaby]

Leilani, I get the same questions. Many of my friends know that we were trying since I got a miscarriage last year. I get the subtle and the straight forward questions. For the first, I usually respond right away 'no, not much going on, still no pregnant' laughing, at the second, when asked if I am pregnant yet, I just reply 'I wish' still laughing. That usually ends the discussion!

 

[Lou32]

I'd like to add:
-Smug couples with kids who talk about the hardships they have to go through like getting up early/watching kids TV etc and then patronizing you by saying - at least you get to have a sleep in/it must be nice to have so much time on your hands. Do they honestly think this makes me feel better? Do they have no idea how lucky they are?

-Friends with children who organise social occasions around their children and don't invite me because I'm childless. THEN they moan about not being invited to things any more as they have babies...Total B****CKS and, like my earlier point, do they have any idea how lucky they are?!

-People you told about your problems TTC who now constantly ask when your next period is and when your next appointment is and how it's gone etc. I WILL TELL YOU WHEN I HAVE NEWS. STOP ASKING!! In fact one valuable lesson learned here, don't tell anyone you don't have to. I obviously didn't think it would take so long when I first alluded to the fact I wanted to start a family.

 

[Whitbit22]

Wish I had not been so open with some of my family- but I wanted to know what they did! Turns out my cousin went off bc and the same week was pregnant. Now all I hear is "you should wait, you're so young!"

its my life!!!!

I may be young, but I have been infertile for 3 years- about to graduate college and my heart is not in it at all. I want a family! I will be deciding when-- not anyone else!

Also, some people who want to party who have young children and tell me to wait. I started partying at 16-and at 23 I am over it. You chose to be a parent so be one! Im not saying I wont ever drink.. But Id have a priority if I had kids--them!

 

[jwelmel]

When my mum tells me all she had to do was f*** once and after her 8 abortions,2 still borns and 2 children, i tend to wonder where my genes are from....

When my neighbour did an abortion recently as she was not ready for her second,i wonder whether she was ready for her first child itself as the parents took the 7 year old to Vegas instead of Disney.

 

[Whitbit22]

Oh, have mercy!

I once had a friend who had an abortion and told the WHOLE town. When her sis found out I said something to our mutual friend about it she flipped on me. Now I proudly wear a LOVE LETS LIVE Tshirt I ordered from abort73.com.. Hope I see her next time I'm wearing it.

I get that under some circumstances, for SOME people, its the better option.. but when you're out floozing around all the time and partying it up and dont even care to use any kind of bc.. thats sad.

 

[LonelyLullaby]

I was at my sisters house a few years ago and she had a friend there who was visiting. I had never met the friend before (but she knew all about our family through my sister) and she was asking me if I was married, if I had children, I said "no, I havent got any children", are you trying ? "Yes, but it hasnt happened yet", and my sister (who makes everyones life difficult in the family) said, laughing, "Are you sure you're doing it the right way ??!!!!" - They both thought this was hilarious while I wanted the floor to swallow me up.
If people cant be nice why cant they just SHUT UP !!!!

There are close friends of mine and my husband and the wife is a career woman, never talked about wanting children, is very independant and always wants her own way - she got her own way by falling pregnant at 40 on their wedding night. (I am a carer for a family member in my home, so my home is my workplace). I said to this woman when she was pregnant whether she would be giving up work to care for her baby, and she said, while looking down her nose at me "Oh no, im not the type to stay at home with a baby". She made it sound like the worst thing in the world !!! They have quite a bit of money so they could have managed her not working, even if she only took a year off. The baby is just another thing ticked off on her to do list.
There is a joke I say to my husband when we talk about this woman, and it cheers me up when im feeling down and im in this TTC fog :
"......(womans name)........, creating jobs for childminders since 2010" !!! .... Its not a great joke, i know, but it makes me smile when I need it !!!

P.S. pleeease working mothers this was not a put down to you, so please dont take offence xx

 

[Starbright]

Oh, have mercy!

I once had a friend who had an abortion and told the WHOLE town.

A friend of mine had a miscarriage and the day that she came back to work after her d&c (hope I've got that right??) one of her colleagues was bragging about having an abortion the next day. I appreciate abortions can be the right decision for people, but she knew full well about my mate's m/c - show some f******g discretion!

I can't watch the news at the moment because there ALWAYS seems to be a story about child abuse, neglect, violence against kids.

Getting asked "are you sure you want one of these" really pees me off. Similarly, people who go "well you can have one of mine!" It's NOT funny! It just annoys me. Y'know what?? I would LOVE one of yours. I would give anything to have that and you don't know how lucky you are

And finally AAAAARRRRGH!!

Sorry - it's really getting to me today.

Massive hugs to those who need them

 

[Whitbit22]

Thats awful! Some people are just insensitive and care about no one but themselves!

Getting asked "are you sure you want one of these" really pees me off. Similarly, people who go "well you can have one of mine!" It's NOT funny! It just annoys me. Y'know what?? I would LOVE one of yours. I would give anything to have that and you don't know how lucky you are

I get those things all the time. They just don't get it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life! I guess you can never make someone understand infertility--they have to have gone through it. I wish theyd be more sensitive though..

 

[Catwoman83]

OMG Thank you to the creator of this thread. Ok my rant here goes...I hate that fact that I am well established, home, partner, financial stablity but friends and family that are not even employed are blessed to have babies very easy, some not even planned and either they are having them and struggling or having abortions, I have friends that have children almost teenagers and we are only 27, I haven't even endured an accident, at least with a possible, or chemical at least I would have known I could conceive, doctors are not properly diagonising me, I know I have pcos, I have tried everything in the book ( natural) and I am very apprehensive on trying medical assistance, I so want to conceive naturally. I get depressed and cry because I just dont know what the issue is. Why me!!!!! I get sort of jealous when I hear about people I know having babies, not because I am not happy for them, but because I havent conceived yet I want to be apart pf the team!!!

 

[lochbride]

Loving this thread.

My additions are being particularly annoyed by male colleagues who tell me 'not to leave it too late' - hmm, I'm quite sure that 18 months ttc is as close as trying not to leave anything too late as it gets so stick it. And other, entirely well meaning friends who I meet up with and tell me, 'ooh I hoped when I saw you, there might be a bump' - yeh? Really? That would be nice, I totally agree. Idiots.

People are also quite crap at picking these things up. 'You'd look lovely with a bump', 'you'd make a lovely Mum' and other such wonderfully nice things to hear that I don't know how to repond to except laugh it off and say 'one day' - when you are at your wits end and would quite like them all to f. off.

Good luck everyone, don't let them grind you down xx

 

[Leilani]

Lochbride - you should just reply to these people "And you don't look so good with your foot in your mouth" and see if they get it! If not, shake your head and saying "unbeliveable"

 

[MarsMaiden]

I hate the fact that I have worked for everything in my life. I went to school and got a degree so I could get a good job, we saved hard and worked so that we could buy our own home. If we set our minds to anything, we have been able to plan for and achieve it. But now the one thing that should be the easiest and most natural thing of all is defeating us and there is absoutely nothing we can do about it. I can't work harder, study harder, be a better person etc etc to make me get pregnant, I feel so frustrated that its out of my control.

I also hate that my journey to a child is dictated by the whim of a FS who has seen me twice in a year and a half and refuses to listen to any of my concerns. And that they also dictate my treatment and I don't get to have any input at all. My life is in their hands and they just do not seem to realise or appreciate that fact.

 

[Leila Fae]

This thread is just what I needed to read today! I'm in a major grump for many reasons and it feels good to know that I'm not alone.

Right now I'm just so frustrated. 3 months ago I had to order my bridesmaids dress 2 sizes larger than I need because my sister is getting married in 3 months and I had to cover the possibility that I could be up to 6 months pregnant at the wedding. Of course I'm now dreading going for the dress fitting and having to have the thing taken in. I know that sounds so petty and at least I have the wedding to go to but its all these little things which are starting to get on top of me. That and waiting to hear if our referral to the FS has been accepted.

I know others have said it but I still can't get my head around how easy some people find it to get pregnant. My mother included! She tried twice and has 2 daughters. We're at the stage that people are on their second pregnancies while we're still working on our first. Right now it just makes me want to scream. No doubt I'll get over myself!

I make a conscious effort to count my blessings and to remind myself of all the things I have achieved in the last 2 years which I couldn't have done but even so I feel so weary with it all.

Oops, a bit of an essay! Moan over!

 

[TTC#1inMN]

This thread is just what I needed to read today! I'm in a major grump for many reasons and it feels good to know that I'm not alone.

Right now I'm just so frustrated. 3 months ago I had to order my bridesmaids dress 2 sizes larger than I need because my sister is getting married in 3 months and I had to cover the possibility that I could be up to 6 months pregnant at the wedding. Of course I'm now dreading going for the dress fitting and having to have the thing taken in. I know that sounds so petty and at least I have the wedding to go to but its all these little things which are starting to get on top of me. That and waiting to hear if our referral to the FS has been accepted.

I know others have said it but I still can't get my head around how easy some people find it to get pregnant. My mother included! She tried twice and has 2 daughters. We're at the stage that people are on their second pregnancies while we're still working on our first. Right now it just makes me want to scream. No doubt I'll get over myself!

I make a conscious effort to count my blessings and to remind myself of all the things I have achieved in the last 2 years which I couldn't have done but even so I feel so weary with it all.

Oops, a bit of an essay! Moan over!

It seriously sucks to get lapped! Yuck! I got lapped by my BIL and his wife quicky. They had baby and 8 wks after delivery found out they were pregnant with #2. SERIOUSLY!? Could it be an easier. AHHH! My DH has 8 nieces and nephews and ALL were conceived month #1. What the heck. Plus, 2 more are on the way. It's just makes you feel broken.

I think we deserve to vent on this forum, at least we get it. I love this thread!

 

[elsie2010]

my rant has two elements to it.

having an evil period after spotting for 9 days sucks. it feels like i never get time to catch my breath. AF for 6 days, trying to get over another failed cycle. BD for a week and a bit and feeling the hope and excitement that this might be the month. Then the 2WW symptoms spotting and trying to keep my emotions level, hoping, dreaming, praying, planning. then it all falls apart again so quickly, the moment that temp goes down I have to accept that it's over.

and lapping, oh i'm so glad i've found a word for it now, i know this is going to happen with my two closest friends. i got an email this week from a colleague to say she's pg, i don't know her story but does it make me a bad person to wish it was me announcing our pregnancy.