Ready for another but hubby is a no-go

Discussion in 'Toddler & Pre-School' started by queenv77, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. queenv77

    queenv77 Active Member

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    I am 34 years old, and my son is 13 months. He was kind of a miracle baby (due to medical issues I didn't think I could have any) now that I know that it is possible, I want him to have a sibling, especially since we are a military family and will have to move every 3 years... if he has a sibling he will always have a playmate, someone who is a constant in his life besides his parents; plus I love children and had a blast with my siblings growing up.. anyway, my child bearing window is definitely closing, and I am really ready to try again. My husband says that he's not even sure that he wants another, and that if we do, it should be a few years down the road... years that I don't think I have! I don't even entirely get why he doesn't want another, because he so completely adores our son; but he is adamant. Not really sure how to handle it or what to do. This issue is really important to me, and time sensitive. It's so frustrating!!
     
  2. QTPie

    QTPie Well-Known Member

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    Can't really help, but know how you feel... :hugs:

    I am 37 (Feb birthday), DS is 16 months, DH is 38. DS took 12 months to conceive (including one early MC). I am an only child and do not want that for DS.... for so many reasons!

    DH LOVES DS (infatuated!), but it is hard work... Plus we had a few bleeds during pregnancy (which, after the MC, were stressful).

    At 16 months, things are pretty good: few disrupted nights, few "unknowns", some "me" time (both husband and I). Possibly too good: husband doesn't really want to get into that "pregnancy/newborn" thing again. I think it will be easier 2nd time in some ways (less unknowns), but harder in others (two children, even less personal time!). However, I think that longer term a second child would pay off: for all of us!

    The longer we wait, the harder it will be (to conceive, to carry to term, to have the energy to get through the newborn stage and to chase after two young children). At 37, my biological clock it ticking loudly! Husband doesn't get it either: the downsides of being an only child, plus that "time is running out" (and waiting will make things tougher).... :nope:

    So I feel for you :hugs:
     
  3. queenv77

    queenv77 Active Member

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    I had an early MC and then bleeding during my pregnancy with my son too! And I think a lot of the reasons you listed for your husband not wanting another are probably some of my husband's reasons too... wish there was some way to resolve it, and soon! Time will tell I guess; here's hoping it somehow ends up going how we want it to!
     
  4. Lena

    Lena Guest

    :hugs: I know how you feel although I don't have the biological clock ticking loudly in my ear (im nearly 27). DH isn't sure he wants another because the newborn stage was sooooooo hard but I dont want Nathan to be an only child and I love being a mother. If he were on board I'd be ready to try now. Im afraid, if he does finally decide he wants another Nathan and LO #2 will have a massive age gap and the whole 'having a sibling to play with' thing won't be realistic because there will be too big of an age gap.
     
  5. Lara+sam+bump

    Lara+sam+bump Well-Known Member

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    Im an only child and there was no way Noah was going to be. I have persuaded other half with persistant nagging and persuasion as I know once the baby is here he will love it as much as he does Noah. Also im a stay at home mum and he works long hours so he majoritivly isnt the one doing any of the child care anyway. But for me the desire to have another is so strong that had OH decided that he really didnt want another then I would have had to walk away as I know I would regret not having another for the rest of my life xxx
     
  6. queenv77

    queenv77 Active Member

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    I sometimes wonder if I would be willing to walk away if he doesn't come around as well... I just feel very strongly that my/our family is not complete; that there is someone missing, someone who is meant to be mine/ours and is just waiting for the chance to be born... probably sounds a little weird, but it's a feeling that I just can't shake because it's so strong! I also don't want him to be an only child, it seems to me a lonely way to grow up! Sometimes I consider engaging in a little sabotage, (like quitting the pill without telling him) but then I think that would be evil and a violation of his trust, so as of yet I haven't been able to go through with it. It's a frustrating position to be in, and that biological clock is just ticking away like a time bomb! I'm already reproductively challenged, I don't want to wait and have it get worse!
     
  7. QTPie

    QTPie Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear :hugs:

    I know how you feel and hope that your OH comes round. I THINK that I can bargain with mine - possibly try "all out" after our next ski trip (Jan 2012).... Using a mixture of bargaining and "gently breaking down objections" in the mean time... (without driving him mad! Not easy! :blush: ). My biological clock is ticking SOOOO loudly (I will be 38 in Feb 2012)...

    Men do not feel that same "biological clock" (or need for haste). One of my Waterbabies group has 5 children (all under about 8/9 I think). She said that, if it was up to her husband, they would have WAITED a couple of years before THINKING of trying again.... Men decide to "have a baby" rather than "get pregnant" (if that makes sense).... Whereas women think ahead - they think "I want to have this baby (here) in 10/12 months".

    Personally I would not split from my husband to have a 2nd child. Apart from us being soul mates (been together for almost 18 years and married for almost 14 years), my biggest worry would be "any new partner NOT treating" my current child as he deserves to be (if you have another child with another partner, it would be VERY difficult for him not to favour his own....).

    Have you asked your OH how he would feel if an "accident" happened? I asked mine and he said "I would feel stupid (that an accident occured), but I suppose it would be ok...". I am pretty sure that I can get him on-side eventually (hopefully not too late! I am beginning to feel old and having a baby sure makes you feel 10 years more ancient for a while! :nope: ), but it is important that he buys in. Partly because I don't think that I can conceive without (zinc tablets, LOTS of sex and me with my legs in the air a lot.... Not easy to do all of that "by accident" :dohh: ), but also because I don't want it to sour our relationship - he means the world to me.... :cloud9:

    I was chatting to a woman at the park a couple of months back. She said that she nagged her husband into having a second child (he really was not keen), but a month after the baby was born he left her :nope:

    It is a lot to think about.... I hope that you talk your OH round (as an only child, I really wouldn't wish it on my son....), but take care :hugs:

    QT
     
  8. queenv77

    queenv77 Active Member

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    Yeah, for the sake of my son I probably wouldn't leave.. I just get frustrated sometimes. I worry that a step parent wouldn't treat him fairly too, if it came to that. And despite the problems we've had I do love my husband very much. I just need to vent sometimes, because it sometimes seems like everything has to be on his terms and on his schedule. We had a "scare" about a month ago and he completely flipped, it got really ugly. After everything settled he agreed that we have one, but not for a few years, when Eli is more self sufficient and we are in a better financial place... but I don't have years! It's like he thinks that since he can have kids forever I can too! And if we do have another child, I want it to be close enough in age to Eli that they can play together and get along... anyway thanks for letting me vent, it helps to hear from people that are in the same boat! It seems like all my friend's husbands either have been, or are on board with having another child, mine is the only one being a jackass about it! So anyway, thanks again for the encouragement, advice and commiseration! It's nice to have someone who understands!
     

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