Really struggling tonight :(

[collie_crazy]

Having a hard time tonight girls I let myself get excited about this pregnancy today and then tonight ive been gripped by this intense fear that something bad is going to happen. I let my first baby die so why do I deserve this one? I don't I have such an intense love for Emily and did pretty much from the start of my pregnancy with her... And I just don't feel that with this one. In some ways I know I am just trying to protect myself but I feel like such a bad person. How can I not love my baby? Don't get me wrong I have an intense sense of needing to protect him / her but it's just not the same as before.

Will it always be like this? Will I bond with my baby? Will this cause post natal depression? If I tell my doctors will they take my baby away? Will I forever look at my rainbow and wish I could see Emily instead?*

I feel as though I am constantly waiting for something to go wrong, for someone to say those horrible words to me again 'I'm sorry but your baby is not going to make it'

So many thoughts racing through my head tonight. It's nearly 12am and there is no way I'm getting to sleep anytime soon.

I'm sorry for going on... I sound like such a pity party I even annoy myself

 

[collie_crazy]

I just posted this in 2nd tri by accodent instead of in here I'm an idiot!

 

[SabrinaKat]

I understand how you feel -- I'm in the countdown to baby in 4-5wks (c-section) and only now, am starting to buy a few things for baby and starting to get hopeful....part of me feels disloyal to the baby I lost (at 7-8wks in August 2009), and in the beginning of this pregnancy, felt very detached and so incredibly anxious. Hopefully, you will start to feel baby moving soon and that does help (altho, it gave me something else to worry about!).

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON -- it's just very hard to open up to a new pregnancy as we know the cost of our love. People ask me if I am excited and I smile and just say 'hopeful' or 'I can't wait to meet this little fellow', but how you feel is normal, so don't worry that you won't bond or you're a bad person -- having lost a baby is horrible and self-preservation in future pregnancies is normal. It won't ever be the same, but that's okay....

We went private in this pregnancy due to terrible public hospital mc experience, and every appointment, I always say that I am worried, anxious, etc., and my ob/gyn says that every mother feels that way for years, so again, how you feel is normal. If you have PND, they WILL NOT take your baby away! Can you speak to a specialist MW or your GP because I think you are being so hard on yourself and perhaps just talking to somebody might help? I saw a cognitive behavioural therapist for awhile after the mc, and only stopped in the last few months, but it was really helpful allowing me to work through the grief and the other NORMAL worries of this pregnancy.

I always wonder if people mind me posting here (or even in the mc section) as I pregnant again, but being pregnant again, I hope shows to other ladies that it is possible to recover -- I will never forget my lost little one, but am grateful for another chance --

please take care of yourself and try to relax/take it one day (or hour) at a time....

best wishes

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so sorry hunny you are feeling like this. I'm sorry I can't answer whether you will always feel this way or not as I've not had experience of this part yet. I can only imagine but I think it sounds like the fear has just got a grip of you. As for the bonding part, I know it will be fine once you have your baby - this is just a self-protection mechanism, I've read lots of ladies saying similar things. You are not bad and you absolutely deserve your rainbow, so, so much.

I'm sure there will be times when you will look at your rainbow and think " I wonder if Emily would have done this/looked this way?" etc etc but I think your wee baby will quickly exert it's own wee personality and you'll be in no doubt that he/she is unique and her/his own self.

You did not let your baby die, it was nothing to do with you hon, you know you would have saved that wee girl if there was any way you could.

It's not a pity-party, these are your fears and they need to be expressed. that is what we are here for, not just the fun parts, that wouldn't be real.

I hope you do get a little sleep and I hope you feel a bit better once you do. I think you've been under enormous stress worrying about your Mum as well so you are hopefully just having a bit of a blip and will feel better soon. If not though, and the feelings continue, keep expressing them, don't bury them hon. We're here for you no matter what. xxxx

 

[jennijunni]

I am so sorry. I think it is normal for us to feel this way about subsequent pregnancies. We have lost our innocence, and it is sad. But it does not mean that you are a bad mommy, or that you wont feel that love for your new baby. It is normal and perfectly understandable to feel the day you do. I am sorry you are feeling this way. Lots and lots of hugs!

 

[Andypanda6570]

Oh Amanda you didn't let Emily die you did everything to save her, please don't think like that Your scared and that is perfectly normal, you will be and you are a great mommy, please believe that.
This fear will pass once you feel more confident, it takes time, Amanda.


Amanda try to relax and just think positive and think about how wonderful this experience will be, Emily is watching over you and protecting you, she would never want you to talk like this or feel like this. Emily as well as my Ava know we did everything we could for them. I am here Amanda if you ever need to talk anytime. Just relax and stay focused and know we are all cheering you on..
Thinking of you..XOXOXOXOOXOX

 

[collie_crazy]

Thank you girls . I dunno some days I feel ok about it, then I feel myself relaxing into the pregnancy and then when I realise that I'm doing so its like I run 10 steps backwards and the fear can be overwhelming.

I think tonight's episode was partly due to hearing babies hb on the Doppler at my mw appointment today. The only time we heard Emily's was on that very last scan where she was clearly very sick and already in heart failure. It was one of the most traumatic things ever listening to my baby girls failing heart so today when babies hb was good and strong I got excited... And then paniced!

Sabrinacat I am seeing a clinical psychologist who specializes in pregnancy and neo-natal loss. She is fantastic and does reassure me that these feelings are very normal. I see her every 3 weeks but it's 2 weeks till my next session and I guess I just freaked out last night

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you girls . I dunno some days I feel ok about it, then I feel myself relaxing into the pregnancy and then when I realise that I'm doing so its like I run 10 steps backwards and the fear can be overwhelming.

I think tonight's episode was partly due to hearing babies hb on the Doppler at my mw appointment today. The only time we heard Emily's was on that very last scan where she was clearly very sick and already in heart failure. It was one of the most traumatic things ever listening to my baby girls failing heart so today when babies hb was good and strong I got excited... And then paniced!

Sabrinacat I am seeing a clinical psychologist who specializes in pregnancy and neo-natal loss. She is fantastic and does reassure me that these feelings are very normal. I see her every 3 weeks but it's 2 weeks till my next session and I guess I just freaked out last night

Amanda, it is very normal to feel this way. This is why I am also scared of getting pregnant, cause I know I will probably feel the same way
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. This is supposed to a special time and for us it is also a time of fear and it is really hard to be happy when you are petrified. The fear takes all the joy away. But I just know things will go your way and you will have your beautiful rainbow.

I am glad you are seeing someone and have someone to talk to, I was thinking of doing this myself. I have come a long way, but the pain is just always there . I find now that I cry very easily, I am better but it has taken so long.

Like I said try to relax and stay positive. Love You XOOXOXOXXO

 

[Hellylou]

Ah Amanda I hope you're feeling a bit better by the time you read this.

It's totally normal to feel the way you are feeling. I find myself detaching from my pregnancy (v early as it is) so much as a means of protection. It's nothing to do with not loving the baby, it's simple self preservation. I know that if I have a healthy little baby at the end of this I will love it with all my heart and be overjoyed, but now...at this point, it's just a careful cautious waiting game. It's a shame that we have to be here this way. And after the scares we have had too, it's not an easy ride on top of everything else.

Big hugs

 

[daopdesign]

I feel your worries and pain hun!!! I'm exactly the same; one minute I'm feeling OK and the next I start panicking something bad is/has happened

Although I'm halfway I really want these next few months to hurry up! I tell myself mother nature can't be that cruel to take another baby from me. Try to take your mind of those bad thoughts, it's hard but might help you.

And of course you'll bond with your little rainbow, it's just our natural defence to act cautiously xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I feel your worries and pain hun!!! I'm exactly the same; one minute I'm feeling OK and the next I start panicking something bad is/has happened

Although I'm halfway I really want these next few months to hurry up! I tell myself mother nature can't be that cruel to take another baby from me. Try to take your mind of those bad thoughts, it's hard but might help you.

And of course you'll bond with your little rainbow, it's just our natural defence to act cautiously xx

It is only natural your feelings. I am so scared to get a BFP , but the fear of not trying again I feel is worse.. XOXO Thinking of you XOXOOX

 

[Bride2b]

Amanda, I too hope you got some sleep & feel better today.

I think being scared is natural. You are probably too scared to love the baby and bond....but I am sure this fear is swamping the feelings that you do. If you didnt love the baby you wouldnt be so fearful xx

I remember posting when I was about 10 weeks or so (might have been after) that I felt i wasnt bonding with my baby & was scared I would never bond as I had never been maternal. The fear of not bonding made me really scared, especially when you hear/read that a mothers bond to her baby is the most natural & wonderful thing. Anyway, it never really felt 'real' that I was having a baby - I dont know if this was fear (I was terrified something would happen), but when I had my baby I felt nothing but love & got that whole unconditional love thing (which before hand I thought was a load of old bull!) When your baby arrives & its all safe in your arms you will love it....I'm sure at the moment its just a defense mechanism.

Hope your ok xxxxx

 

[jojo23]

hey amanda how are you feeling now?? i get days like this all the time... i totally understand what you mean about not bonding properly with baby but i think the further along we get the more we'll start bonding. for me i think once i get passed 22 weeks i'll be ok because thats the time i lost Lily. and i also know that im never 100% safe in pregnaqncy and its totally tainted it for me.

i think if i had never had lost Lily i would be blissfully ignorant and think this was all an amazing journey but im constantly worried and cant sleep and still i think theres something wrong! i feel i should have a bigger bump and it should be harder and i should be feeling kicks now but i know that at the end of the day i cant control anything and i just have to have faith that this is my rainbow baby and this little one is meant for keeps!!!

This is your rainbow baby and you will love him/her more than you ever dreamed of, being cautious is not a bad thing...your just being a mother

i hope your feeling ok again and know that your not alone hun xx