Resenting/jealous of DH

[patooti]

My lo is 3.5 weeks old and refluxy so I am pretty tired. Feeling a bit hopeless like I will never sleep again or be able to do anything other than feed lo. I am bfing and also supplementing using a lact aid which is a lot of work.

Thing is I am feeling really frustrated with DH. Not for the first few weeks but now, I let him sleep though the night so for several days he is getting normal amount of night sleep. But I feel like he still moves so slow doing everything. I can rush around and do 5 times the stuff in same time plus he is clearly acting tired when I've had only a tiny fraction if the sleep he is getting. If I mention this at all he gets upset because I don't do appreciate his help but really I am so tired I hurt and I am worn down because I feel like baby is in my arms ALL DAY. Because he can't feed baby doesn't settle as well for DH. So I am emotional and we are fighting a lot which makes it all worse.

I do appreciate him just wish he could be a bit more positive, efficient and maybe show more effort to treat me a bit given i am up all night with lo while he sleeps and that I do 90% of changes , all feeds etc. if I say anything though he'll just say.... "I changed him this morning" yeah but I've gone 5 times since then!!!!!! I just want to stop being bitter but it is so hard I could cry at thought he is asleep in his cosy bed.

 

[robinator]

Have you told him specific things you need him to do, or is he just ambling around doing what he thinks he should, and then getting mad because you're "not appreciating his help".


Either way, it sucks to feel like you're the one doing it all!

 

[080509]

I'm bitter, mine goes where he wants when he wants yet i'm looking after my 2 and pregnant (all 3 will be almost under 3years) i think i'm just in a bad mood today though. He's good with our LO's but it just annoys me he can go away to festivals and crap whenever he likes.

 

[chrissbe17]

I felt this way with my DH until lo was about 8 weeks. I finally sat him down and told him how i was feeling and that i was starting to resent him. He got mad at first cuz he thinks he does help, but right after that he started doing more and always asks now what do i need for him to do. Communication is important. Its so difficult being a mom and especially exhausting. We need all the support we can get.

 

[missk1989]

I still feel this way sometimes. This morning I dressed lo then sat him in his bouncy chair whilst I had a shower, did the washing, cleaned the kitchen. Oh walked the dog and then points out lo had pooped. It has got better though. I got a bath one day and whilst oh was watching him lo started crying and he had no choice but to find a way to comfort him. Since then it has got better but I still run round like an idiot whilst he drinks his coffee but I get a bit of help occasionally with the baby.

 

[MLC20]

I am very lucky, my DH does a lot of tidying, dishes cooking etc when he is home but, I do find it difficult still that he can do things without having to think about lo eg. Having a shower, going out, playing sport etc. I have found it especially hard the last week as lo has been ill and contagious so I haven't been able to go anywhere (shopping and drs do not count as going out in my book. We have to eat.)

It does get better though when you explain how you feel and what you need. Get him to look after lo for 15 minutes and go for a walk it always makes me feel better.

 

[preggymammy]

I have a routine going with DH, we established it when LO was a few days old.

First thing in the morning - I change/feed LO, DH sterilises used bottles and makes them up again for the day. He makes breakfast whilst I play with LO.

He goes to work - I go about looking after LO. Whilst he's sleeping/occupied, i'll put a load of washing in, eat, dishes, sterilise bottles if I have time.

Tea time - DH gets home from work, has a shower. He then takes over looking after LO and baths him whilst I shower, make tea. Then DH does some housework.

Night time - I look after LO whilst DH sterilises used bottles/makes up feeds. He does bed time change and feed.

Next day repeat.

That way I know there's always a supply of bottles for LO and I get a rest in the afternoon. On saturdays DH takes over 'night shift' so I can get decent sleep.

Can you maybe work up a plan for you and your DH so some of the pressure is taken off? I understand you BF but he could entertain LO in between feeds in the evening, do some housework when he gets home from work. Change LOs nappy.

Hope you feel better soon hun

 

[tonibzac]

My DD has reflux and is exclusively BF and I've been through the same with my hubby. We have never argued like we have since our daughter arrived! It got really bad when she was 5 weeks old, I was really tired, it had snowed badly and I had to walk a 4 mile round trip to sort my horses out THEN walk the dogs alone because hubby was 'too cold' and the next day he went out at 9am and returned at 7pm without a text or call. I blew my flipping lid!! How dare he!!

I told him he had to let me calm down then the next day we sat down with pen and paper and wrote down our exact expectations then shared them. He was finding it no different to before she was here because she slept most of the day and at night only woke to feed so in his eyes there was nothing he could do but it all left me feeling unappreciated and unsupported. He's been a lot better since our chat - it gets better I found when she started to smile at 6-7 weeks because then he felt more of a bond with her. We still have our discussions but you HAVE to talk it out and you have to do it when you're not angry.

In my mind, it will get easier because the more interactive she gets, the more he can build a connection with her. Not many men have the 'paternal instinct' right away like us mummies do

I've also found that I have to leave hubby to sort her when he is home. He doesn't spend all day with her like me and it is so tempting to swoop in and do things yourself but he is a parent too and he has to learn. I take myself upstairs if he is struggling to settle her so that he has to figure it out himself xxx

 

[KatieB]

I sometimes resent the sleep OH gets every night but he does do so much around the house when he's not at work and plays with Louis, takes him out, so I can feed Alex. We've had some cracking arguments recently, lack of sleep (esp. on my behalf) and no time to do anything much/no time for one another, with a toddler and newborn. Once he's asleep he doesn't hear anything (put monitor next to his ear once when Louis was screaming to test and nope, no reaction), I've just resigned myself to it for the next few months.

 

[BrandyBestPal]

That's tough
My dh helps when he can, but I do 95% of the work because dh has to go to his job to support us. If he wasn't working I would expect him to do more but what can I say really? I can't expect him to go to work zonked. It's hard sometimes though when I'm really tired and I want him to help in the night but I have to remember he is helping just as much but in a different way...
Good luck with your dh
X

 

[ElmaWG]

I relate completely. OH is helpful on many fronts, but at the end of the day, he gets sleep...and I don't so much. I've cried to myself while getting up at 3 am (for the 8th time in the night) at the thought of him cozy and sleeping. I know the resentment I feel isn't really justified, but I don't think rationally when I'm sleep deprived.

 

[aliss]

I think this is pretty typical of a relationship with a reflux baby. Our 1st had reflfux and it was the same- very resentful. Reflux causes extreme stress in families, especially on the mother (how can it not, your baby is always in pain?) and it's easier to take it out on each other (adults) because you cant' direct your anger towards the one "causing" it (the baby). If that makes sense... big hugs!

 

[Scottish mum]

Yes it is hard. I do resent my oh at times he goes out to work and I'm mummy all day!

We then haggle with each other about how tired, ill, in need of a bath we are lol!

He's hands on but at times he doesn't wake when it's his turn to feed! That's when we argue! X

 

[patooti]

Thank you so much to everyone that replied. Especially to those that can relate to the reflux it definitely adds an extra dimension of stress. I think I feel a bit better just having been able to express myself here. Will also try some honest communication with DH at a time when I am not upset.

 

[Sproglet]

Have you thought about using a carrier or wrap? They can really help with refluxey babies, because they're held upright and close to mum, but you get your hands back!

I was thinking along the same lines too though, earlier me and OH showered together while Robyn was napping. She woke as we got out. OH takes 2 secs to throw on his work clothes while I'm trying to find something that a) fits b) isn't already covered in baby puke (me and Robyn have been ill so housework has really suffered).

Of course, he goes downstairs and puts his ps3 on while I'm left upstairs trying to finish getting ready, soothe a fussy baby, and sort some washing so that tomorrow we'll have clean clothes!

 

[xdxxtx]

This happens a lot. You are not alone. I can list several things that both you and your partner are/may be doing wrong... One big one is this: It took me a while to really realize that my baby was so easily soothed by me because I'm what he was used to. It was different for him to be around someone else, to smell someone else, etc. It's something that my baby needed to learn - that it was okay for someone else to love and comfort them. It's important.

Your partner WILL learn to settle the baby, and your baby WILL learned to be settled by your partner. It's a bond that will take time, and your baby needs to learn to trust your partner. It might be frustrating for you to hear the baby cry, and you might want to just whisk the baby away into your arms and stop the crying... but why not, instead, take the opportunity to go get a shower? Go out for a walk? Get some time alone! Go outside or in another room and call a friend just to catch up...

I don't know best, but that's what was most important for me to learn and to start doing, so maybe my lesson will help you.

Also, it's important for your partner to realize that it isn't only YOUR job to take care of the kid. You're probably tired, your body is healing, you're going through a LOT of hormonal and physical changes again... You need to be taken care of sometimes, and you need to have a life away from that baby, too. Your partner should be doing whatever they can to help out, not act like it's your responsibility. Let it be known. Don't hide your feelings, or they'll just grow and flourish within you. Try not to blow up or be rude, but sit your partner down and have a conversation about how much pressure and resentment you're feeling.