SAHM with mental health illness desperate for support

[Sonnenshein_]

Hi I absolutely hate talking about this topic because I'm so ashamed and a lot of the mums on here seem to be supermums! but I'm at a point where I just need to vent and, hopefully get some advice and help along the way. I'll try my best to keep it short. I'm a SAHM to a 1 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, engaged for three years, and diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar type 2 and mixed personality disorder (dependent and avoidant). For three years my fiance hasn't been able to work as he's been my carer. My PTSD is so severe that I can't be left on my own as my anxiety just goes wild, and even when someone is around my anxiety can't be controlled. I can't leave the house on my own, make phone calls, answer the door, talk to anyone besides the people I know very well which is a grand total of 3 people. A month ago, I felt ready - and a week ago, OH started a new job. It went surprisingly well. I coped better than I thought with being on my own with the two diddie ones, I answered doors for deliveries and even had chats with the people making their deliveries, I've made a few phone calls... but I just feel like a terrible, terrible mum. This week I just feel depressed. DH starting this new job is the start of a little life plan we have for the next 18 months. Save up, move into a new house, and begin TTC #3 once we're settled in and happy in a new routine in our new house. It's the start of my recovery and me beating my demons and becoming the person I want to be.

Sadly I've lost all hope and regret ever agreeing to this. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mum. OH tries to tell me I'm doing good, I'm actually doing this... and the kids are happy, fed, bathed, clothed... but that shouldn't be an achievement, that's just normal! I feel like I'm ruining their childhood which are the most important days in their development because we just sit around the house all day for a whole week. I can't even take my own children to the park and I'm so utterly ashamed of myself for that. Ok - we live in the middle of nowhere and it's a long walk to get to anything, but if I wasn't so scared I wouldn't mind it. I just feel like they're so bored, they're not going to learn, and they're going to hate me for it. I'd like to think that in a year's time it'll be different. I am making small steps by being able to answer the door, make a call here and there... generally manage being on my own without OH around all day every day. I've just lost all hope and faith at this point though, and only a week in aswell... I feel like a huge disappointment and a selfish mother.

I'd love to hear some suggestions of what sorts of things I can get up to with the LO's around the house. I feel terrible even though we spend all day playing, as if they're not getting enough out of the day.

 

[jd83]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you are struggling so much internally with this. As others, including your fiancé, have told you though, you ARE being a great mom to your kids. You spend the day playing with them! That's awesome! It's not always about taking kids to different places, its about making sure you bond with them, spend time with them, interact with them. That's what they will remember and appreciate about their relationship with you. Believe me, there are moms who don't do that with their kids, so keep up what you are doing!

As for suggestions on some indoors things to do:
Play doh
Finger Painting
Board games
Bath paints (you can make this with shaving cream and drops of food coloring, and then it rinses right off bath tub when you are done)
Bubbles in the bath tub
Water color paints
coloring
craft projects (get a bunch of cheap craft supplies and let them go to town with it, like googly eyes, foam pieces, etc)
Puzzles
make a blanket fort
dress up play

 

[Sonnenshein_]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you are struggling so much internally with this. As others, including your fiancé, have told you though, you ARE being a great mom to your kids. You spend the day playing with them! That's awesome! It's not always about taking kids to different places, its about making sure you bond with them, spend time with them, interact with them. That's what they will remember and appreciate about their relationship with you. Believe me, there are moms who don't do that with their kids, so keep up what you are doing!

As for suggestions on some indoors things to do:
Play doh
Finger Painting
Board games
Bath paints (you can make this with shaving cream and drops of food coloring, and then it rinses right off bath tub when you are done)
Bubbles in the bath tub
Water color paints
coloring
craft projects (get a bunch of cheap craft supplies and let them go to town with it, like googly eyes, foam pieces, etc)
Puzzles
make a blanket fort
dress up play

Thank you so much. It just seems like all the 'good' mums are taking their LO's to groups and classes, generally out and about plenty... so I feel like mine are missing out a lot. Eventually, we'll get there. It's only temporary. Thank you again x

 

[AngelofTroy]

OH tries to tell me I'm doing good, I'm actually doing this... and the kids are happy, fed, bathed, clothed... but that shouldn't be an achievement, that's just normal!.

First of all, i consider this an achievement and I only have one child!

Secondly, when I take my 2 year old to groups they all still only play alongside their peers at this age, in my opinion they're not in need of much social time at this age especially not your 1 year old and especially not with having a sibling so close in age. They will be learning so much about sharing and interacting from each other. My son probably mixes with peers twice a week whereas yours have each other 24 7 so they are certainly not missing out.

As for activities you can do in the house (which Micah much prefers to any well planned outing I ever suggest) check out The Imagination Tree blog, it's by an trained early years teacher who is now SAHM to 3 young children and she has some fantastic ideas for activities, play dough recipes, themed sensory play, 'small world' imaginative play, art, craft etc etc.

I think you're doing fantastically, you will improve as time goes on but there will be times when you go backwards for a bit and those setbacks are completely normal and don't mean you aren't still on the 'road to recovery'.

You will be able to take your kids to the park someday, but honestly I think Micah's dream day is me and him at home playing, without me dragging him out to the shops or wherever! I am sure your kids are happy and loved and that is what counts.

 

[Sonnenshein_]

OH tries to tell me I'm doing good, I'm actually doing this... and the kids are happy, fed, bathed, clothed... but that shouldn't be an achievement, that's just normal!.

First of all, i consider this an achievement and I only have one child!

Secondly, when I take my 2 year old to groups they all still only play alongside their peers at this age, in my opinion they're not in need of much social time at this age especially not your 1 year old and especially not with having a sibling so close in age. They will be learning so much about sharing and interacting from each other. My son probably mixes with peers twice a week whereas yours have each other 24 7 so they are certainly not missing out.

As for activities you can do in the house (which Micah much prefers to any well planned outing I ever suggest) check out The Imagination Tree blog, it's by an trained early years teacher who is now SAHM to 3 young children and she has some fantastic ideas for activities, play dough recipes, themed sensory play, 'small world' imaginative play, art, craft etc etc.

I think you're doing fantastically, you will improve as time goes on but there will be times when you go backwards for a bit and those setbacks are completely normal and don't mean you aren't still on the 'road to recovery'.

You will be able to take your kids to the park someday, but honestly I think Micah's dream day is me and him at home playing, without me dragging him out to the shops or wherever! I am sure your kids are happy and loved and that is what counts.

Thank you! I will definitely be checking that blog out. It would just be so lovely to get out and about, I absolutely hate being stuck in the house and it's a shock to the system now. With OH around we went out all the time, especially since he can drive. My next challenge is to learn to drive! uh oh

 

[RaspberryK]

I always say to dh that as long we are both fed, watered and alive at the end of the day then it has been a successful day.
Saw someone post that not everyone is a "pinterest" mum the other day, she's right, and that's ok.
Xx

 

[jd83]

I always say to dh that as long we are both fed, watered and alive at the end of the day then it has been a successful day.
Saw someone post that not everyone is a "pinterest" mum the other day, she's right, and that's ok.
Xx

So true. I always pin all kinds of cute, crafty types of things I see on Pinterest. But reality is I rarely have time to do much of that stuff with them since I work full time, and am exhuasted when I get home. I do what I can with them, and they are none the wiser that other moms do tons of crafts with their kids, lol. They still love me

 

[MiniKiwi]

I think the first couple of weeks with your OH at a new job will be the toughest, and you're surviving! I felt utterly lost and filled with dread when my OH had to go back to work when we had a newborn. The first days I cried a bit and then got on with it and it went fine. It'll get easier as you get into a routine.

The others are right, you don't need to be out and about every day with your kids. Trips out at the weekend are fine. They've got you and eachother to play with, what more could they need? You sound like a great mum, playing away every day, that's what kids want. Having loved, clean, clothed, fed kids at the end of the day IS an achievement! It is for me, at least.

There have been lots of nice suggestions for indoor activities while you feel like you don't want to go out. Are you able to go out to the garden? Getting out and splashing around in puddles is fun, collecting sticks, rocks, leaves, finding worms and bugs - toddlers love these simple things. It might make you feel more confident too, getting out little by little.

Are you able to see a counselor at all? I experienced PTSD a few years back and it was dreadful, I didn't realise the hold it had on me until I was though it and feeling completely better. Speaking to a counselor is what helped me. It was fully funded by the govt too, I'm sure the UK is good like that as well?Home visits could also be arranged I'd imagine. I assume you take medicine too? Maybe you could speak to a doctor and experiment with something that might work better for you?

Just remember, you're doing SO well, your babies are loved and they love you. There's nothing to feel guilty about, you're certainly not ruining their childhoods

 

[lau86]

You're doing great! You said you spend all day playing and your kids are happy? Well that's the main thing IMO. I do like to get out but that's because I'D be bored staying in all day!x

 

[Sonnenshein_]

I think the first couple of weeks with your OH at a new job will be the toughest, and you're surviving! I felt utterly lost and filled with dread when my OH had to go back to work when we had a newborn. The first days I cried a bit and then got on with it and it went fine. It'll get easier as you get into a routine.

The others are right, you don't need to be out and about every day with your kids. Trips out at the weekend are fine. They've got you and eachother to play with, what more could they need? You sound like a great mum, playing away every day, that's what kids want. Having loved, clean, clothed, fed kids at the end of the day IS an achievement! It is for me, at least.

There have been lots of nice suggestions for indoor activities while you feel like you don't want to go out. Are you able to go out to the garden? Getting out and splashing around in puddles is fun, collecting sticks, rocks, leaves, finding worms and bugs - toddlers love these simple things. It might make you feel more confident too, getting out little by little.

Are you able to see a counselor at all? I experienced PTSD a few years back and it was dreadful, I didn't realise the hold it had on me until I was though it and feeling completely better. Speaking to a counselor is what helped me. It was fully funded by the govt too, I'm sure the UK is good like that as well?Home visits could also be arranged I'd imagine. I assume you take medicine too? Maybe you could speak to a doctor and experiment with something that might work better for you?

Just remember, you're doing SO well, your babies are loved and they love you. There's nothing to feel guilty about, you're certainly not ruining their childhoods

Thank you. I don't take any medication, I was on citalopram for a while but the side affects are horrible and now I can't go back on them because for a week or two I'm really ill and out of it, I physically wouldn't be able to look after myself barely, let alone the two babies too. I also did have therapy to go to, but it was at a time where OH is working so I can't get there or get anyone to babysit even if I could, so I had to cancel that. It makes me every so slightly angry at him even thought I know it's obviously not his fault, but he knew before he even applied for jobs that I had CBT set up and was looking forward to seeing how it helped me... as for counselling, I asked my GP and they said no because it wont help... I couldn't even be bothered to sit and tell them how stupid that was to say.

Today has been a terrible day, I so regret ever starting this. I hope it gets better.

 

[Sonnenshein_]

You're doing great! You said you spend all day playing and your kids are happy? Well that's the main thing IMO. I do like to get out but that's because I'D be bored staying in all day!x

I do get SO bored. I know getting out would help me to feel better in general aswell so it's really frustrating. Me and the LO's are so indoorsy so sitting inside for a whole 5 days straight gets really irritating and that's when I start to get down too. If only I had to cahoonas to learn to drive! I think the scary part of going out and being around people isn't so bad for me anyone.. it still scares me but I'm prepared to fight it now so it makes a big difference, but I live SO far from anything like the park, the high street shops, or the lake that we all love. Maybe OH will let me learn to drive in his flashy new car that I keep sitting in the drivers seat of and pretending to drive!

 

[caz_hills]

Hi, firstly you're so brave writing your post and experience here. And your OH sounds really supportive which is wonderful.

You're doing a GREAT job! I suffer from anxiety a lot and find it hard sometimes too and I only have one child to deal with!

I get out of the house a lot as I get bored, but my son would happily play all day!

Things we do:

Puzzles
Playdoh
Baking together (rarely)
Fireman sam toys
Read books
Magazines have lots of puzzles, activities, colouring and craft in them and some aren't too expensive
Build dens
Watch movies
Play in the garden

I'm not the most creative I know but I hope this helps x

 

[babycrazy1706]

I've just had a nosey on your IG

Your kids look so happy and healthy, you have a lovely home, your OH looks so supportive. Try not to put yourself down. No one is a super mum. We all make mistakes. Hope you can feel better soon. Just because you haven't felt right this week doesn't mean you can't get to a good place eventually. Baby steps. Big big hugs xx