Sonnenshein_
instagram-elevenjuneseven
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2011
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Hi I absolutely hate talking about this topic because I'm so ashamed and a lot of the mums on here seem to be supermums! but I'm at a point where I just need to vent and, hopefully get some advice and help along the way. I'll try my best to keep it short. I'm a SAHM to a 1 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, engaged for three years, and diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar type 2 and mixed personality disorder (dependent and avoidant). For three years my fiance hasn't been able to work as he's been my carer. My PTSD is so severe that I can't be left on my own as my anxiety just goes wild, and even when someone is around my anxiety can't be controlled. I can't leave the house on my own, make phone calls, answer the door, talk to anyone besides the people I know very well which is a grand total of 3 people. A month ago, I felt ready - and a week ago, OH started a new job. It went surprisingly well. I coped better than I thought with being on my own with the two diddie ones, I answered doors for deliveries and even had chats with the people making their deliveries, I've made a few phone calls... but I just feel like a terrible, terrible mum. This week I just feel depressed. DH starting this new job is the start of a little life plan we have for the next 18 months. Save up, move into a new house, and begin TTC #3 once we're settled in and happy in a new routine in our new house. It's the start of my recovery and me beating my demons and becoming the person I want to be.
Sadly I've lost all hope and regret ever agreeing to this. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mum. OH tries to tell me I'm doing good, I'm actually doing this... and the kids are happy, fed, bathed, clothed... but that shouldn't be an achievement, that's just normal! I feel like I'm ruining their childhood which are the most important days in their development because we just sit around the house all day for a whole week. I can't even take my own children to the park and I'm so utterly ashamed of myself for that. Ok - we live in the middle of nowhere and it's a long walk to get to anything, but if I wasn't so scared I wouldn't mind it. I just feel like they're so bored, they're not going to learn, and they're going to hate me for it. I'd like to think that in a year's time it'll be different. I am making small steps by being able to answer the door, make a call here and there... generally manage being on my own without OH around all day every day. I've just lost all hope and faith at this point though, and only a week in aswell... I feel like a huge disappointment and a selfish mother.
I'd love to hear some suggestions of what sorts of things I can get up to with the LO's around the house. I feel terrible even though we spend all day playing, as if they're not getting enough out of the day.
Sadly I've lost all hope and regret ever agreeing to this. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mum. OH tries to tell me I'm doing good, I'm actually doing this... and the kids are happy, fed, bathed, clothed... but that shouldn't be an achievement, that's just normal! I feel like I'm ruining their childhood which are the most important days in their development because we just sit around the house all day for a whole week. I can't even take my own children to the park and I'm so utterly ashamed of myself for that. Ok - we live in the middle of nowhere and it's a long walk to get to anything, but if I wasn't so scared I wouldn't mind it. I just feel like they're so bored, they're not going to learn, and they're going to hate me for it. I'd like to think that in a year's time it'll be different. I am making small steps by being able to answer the door, make a call here and there... generally manage being on my own without OH around all day every day. I've just lost all hope and faith at this point though, and only a week in aswell... I feel like a huge disappointment and a selfish mother.
I'd love to hear some suggestions of what sorts of things I can get up to with the LO's around the house. I feel terrible even though we spend all day playing, as if they're not getting enough out of the day.