Scared of people's reactions

[maryanne1987]

So today we decided to tell my grandmother she would be getting another great grandchild come march time. We moved her in with us due to her ill health and since I'm throwing up multiple times a day we figured it was best to tell her so she didn't worry what was wrong with me. Bad idea. Her response, 'oh dear, are you going to keep it'. I can't even explain how upset I am right now. We had two losses while ttc this baby and we are so happy about our family growing but now im going to be afraid to tell anyone. I thought my grandmother of all people would be happy for us but with the response of 'why would you want so many children? Silly girl' I'm kind of worrying if this will be what most people think.

 

[karoolia]

I'm sorry maryanne.

I'm not sure what your grandmother is like, but I have and had a lot of older relatives. My mother's extended family is all really close so lots of great aunts and my father was 56 when I was born so his whole family is older. My experience has been that for a lot of people as they age they don't always worry about what they are saying as much, especially if there is any dementia present. Did your grandmother have a lot of children? She might be remembering the challenge of raising a lot vs the joy of it. Maybe she is concerned about more bodies in the house if her health isn't the best. Maybe she is shocked that you are willing to try again after your losses. There could be many reasons, but at the end of the day I have no doubt that she will love that little baby when he/she arrives.

And all that aside, lots of people just say stupid things when they are surprised. Case in point, when my husband proposed the first words out of my mouth were "wow, that is the exact ring I was looking at". Way to sound completely materialistic. We had been together for 9 years, including 4 years of long distance and completely in love. I told him a hundred times I didn't even need a ring, but when the time actually came instead of something sweet something stupid popped out. It can happen.

 

[maryanne1987]

I guess so. I'm still in shock to be honest. She's refusing to speak to us at the moment. I asked her why she was so against it and she said that it's embarrassing? She also stated that she didn't want the noise of another newborn. I've tried to keep my calm as she is elderly but I had to politely remind her that is is our house, we have always made it clear we wanted a large family and that I made her fully aware of that when we invited her to live with us. Plus we always try to be very considerate with keeping things as quiet as possible. She's now said she wants to move out as she wants no part in it and she's washing her hands of me. So yea I'm feeling pretty deflated. Not what I expected at all. Especially as I've gone out of my way to look after her and stop her being made to go into a care home like social services wanted, (we built her a flat in our house, we pay for carers for her twice a day, I do all her cooking and cleaning) Dont think I'm going to bother telling anyone else.

 

[xkirstyx]

I'm dreading telling everyone. They only people who know is OH mum and dad! My grandad will ask the same was as your gran and I don't know how to deal with it yet so I'm holding it off for now!

 

[karoolia]

Hmm, well that reaction sounds very over the top. Does that fit with her personality? She really could be developing some form of dementia that is changing her personality and the way she thinks. I know that is a terrible thing to think about, but this sounds a lot like how my mother described my great grandmother early on. She was still teaching in her 80s and you would never know anything was up, but all of a sudden she started acting hateful about things that normally wouldn't bother her.

I really wouldn't base your decision about telling other people on her reaction. This is baby #4 right? I don't even think that is a big family really. And even if I did, who cares? Anyone who respects you will celebrate your news.

 

[maryanne1987]

To be honest karoolia I'm wondering if something might be wrong. She's normally a very friendly, kind woman. I've always idolised her. Think that why it's upset me so much.

Guess your right. I'm just hoping this won't be everyone's reaction. Not sure I could deal with it. People were rude enough over our age gap last time and it really spoilt announcing it.

 

[Gemini19156]

It's definitely very vulnerable telling people about such an exciting but delicate thing. I was terrified of telling my family as well.

I wonder if your grandmother is concerned about the logistics of it? Like your financial situation, what your plans are with work, where the added child will be situated in a house that already has six people in it, etc. I know that with my mom (the person I was most afraid of telling) it made it a lot easier for both of us when I walked her through my plans and was able to show her that everything had been considered and it would all be ok. Maybe if you sit her down and walk her through your plan it will ease her worries a bit?

Still no excuse for making you feel awful about something so exciting, though!

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm dreading telling everyone. They only people who know is OH mum and dad! My grandad will ask the same was as your gran and I don't know how to deal with it yet so I'm holding it off for now!

Glad it's not just me that's worried Kirsty! Do you know when your going to tell them?

 

[maryanne1987]

It's definitely very vulnerable telling people about such an exciting but delicate thing. I was terrified of telling my family as well.

I wonder if your grandmother is concerned about the logistics of it? Like your financial situation, what your plans are with work, where the added child will be situated in a house that already has six people in it, etc. I know that with my mom (the person I was most afraid of telling) it made it a lot easier for both of us when I walked her through my plans and was able to show her that everything had been considered and it would all be ok. Maybe if you sit her down and walk her through your plan it will ease her worries a bit?

Still no excuse for making you feel awful about something so exciting, though!

It's so unlike her, think that's what I'm finding the hardest. She lives with us so she knows we have room, and she knows we are comfortable financially. Every time I ask her why she's against it she says it's embarrassing which I don't understand at all. And she won't elaborate.

Didn't know you had gotten your bfp, congrats!

 

[Sweetkat]

Maryanne to be honest it sounds that she is acting out of character and that could be an early sign of Alzheimer's/ dementia. Because a person who can control their emotions would never say stuff like that to your face. And lose her home and support network too. So I wouldn't be upset

Also her comment doesn't actually make sense. Never heard anyone saying it's embarrassing to have children. It's embarrassing to run around naked, to have drunken rows in front of neighbours etc but doesn't apply at all to having children!

My grandmother started acting weird and saying stuff that was out of character years before she was diagnosed. I remember one comment about my other grandmother upset me so much I was in tears, but now I realise it was the illness and not her talking.

As for everyone else, stuff them. I don't care what anyone thinks and I don't need their approval. I have a cousin who thinks I am baby obsessed and she doesn't even know about my losses and trying for a second one, she doesn't want children. Well that's her problem, not mine.

Big hugs xxxxx

 

[maryanne1987]

Maryanne to be honest it sounds that she is acting out of character and that could be an early sign of Alzheimer's/ dementia. Because a person who can control their emotions would never say stuff like that to your face. And lose her home and support network too. So I wouldn't be upset

Also her comment doesn't actually make sense. Never heard anyone saying it's embarrassing to have children. It's embarrassing to run around naked, to have drunken rows in front of neighbours etc but doesn't apply at all to having children!

My grandmother started acting weird and saying stuff that was out of character years before she was diagnosed. I remember one comment about my other grandmother upset me so much I was in tears, but now I realise it was the illness and not her talking.

As for everyone else, stuff them. I don't care what anyone thinks and I don't need their approval. I have a cousin who thinks I am baby obsessed and she doesn't even know about my losses and trying for a second one, she doesn't want children. Well that's her problem, not mine.

Big hugs xxxxx

Thank you sweetkat. Really appreciate it. I think you may be right that there may be more to this. Hoping I can talk to her and calm things but she's so angry. May just keep an eye on things and see how things progress because it is odd.

 

[Sweetkat]

Her anger and weird responses and saying she will move out are signs of something being wrong. Ppl with dementia lose their empathy - in extreme cases they laugh at bereavement, react out of chararacter and inapropriately in social situations etc.

 

[xkirstyx]

I'm going to wait till after 12 week scan so I know everything is ok but I will probably tell my mum sooner. She's just found out she's more than likely got ms and is very down and can no longer drive so I really don't know when the best time to tell her will be x

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm going to wait till after 12 week scan so I know everything is ok but I will probably tell my mum sooner. She's just found out she's more than likely got ms and is very down and can no longer drive so I really don't know when the best time to tell her will be x

Im sorry to hear about your mum Kirsty. You never know your news might cheer her up x

 

[maryanne1987]

Her anger and weird responses and saying she will move out are signs of something being wrong. Ppl with dementia lose their empathy - in extreme cases they laugh at bereavement, react out of chararacter and inapropriately in social situations etc.

I think I might have a little chat with her social worker when she calls over this week. She needs care so she can't just leave and now I'm worried that there's more to this than meets the eye.

 

[karoolia]

I'm sorry you're worried maryanne, but like I was suggesting above, this also screams dementia to me as well. My family has lived through it several times. My grandfather was the kindest man you could ever meet. I remember him yelling at me when I was 12 because I took diving loops to their pool (just small waited hoops to help you practice diving down to get things from the bottom). They were designed for the pool and I had asked before bringing them. Then afterwards he yelled and yelled about how they would damage the pool. It made no sense at all. Shortly after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.

My grandmother has a different type of dementia. She doesn't lash out, but she sure speaks her mind. She was a very devout Catholic her whole life. Now we'll take her to church and she'll happily mock the priest on the way home. It's amusing a lot of the time, but definitely not "her". Same with neighbors and relatives. She has no problem talking about how someone has gained weight or made stupid life decisions. Things she would never have said before this started.