Should people who have never had a mc/D&C be able to say it's no big deal?

[Mellymel]

I am frustrated with people who have had healthy babies without any complications telling me that the mc was a good thing and telling me that getting rushed into a d&c without any opportunity to get a 2nd US was good.

Yes a mc happens normally when a baby is not healthy. Yes, in many cases a d&c can bring closure. But have "you" ever been through this? No. Does it make me feel better? No. It makes me angry.

A friend of mine who had a normal pregnancy keeps saying this to me. She said she didn't understand why I was angry. She thinks it was all good for me. She thinks I should be over it

I told her that I am 38 and don't have much time. She said she wants 3. She's about 33. she said that she might be 38 by the time she has her 2nd or 3rd. I told her that t least he has one now. She essentially said it was my fault for waiting so long. I told her I wanted to start at 36 but had to WAIT almost 2 years to get appointments and then clearance from my gastroenterologist, to ensure my Crohn's was in remission. It is not my fault...and why would she say this?

She asked me why I was still so upset. She said the d&c was good for closure, that the baby wasn't healthy. I told her it took me 2 years to get the okay to start and less than 24 hours to end it....even though I told the doctors I was not confident in the US technician. (Sorry I keep brining this up but it really angers me)

She said that at least I can get pregnant. (Reading all of your experiences and losses really breaks my heart btw)

Today I told my mom that a friend of mine was given a US immediately before the d&c, while in hospital. She gave me a look and said that've d&c was good. She still doesn't understand that I can't have closure until I talk on details about the results of the US and d&c.

I'm tired of explaining and justifying my feelings to people who haven't experienced this. Why do I feel this way? I just do. .

 

[Tina_TTC2]

They just don't get it. They can't. They can't relate. To them, it's as if you said you grew a 6th finger and it's getting in the way of your life. They'd come back with, "Yeah, but look at all the extra cool things you can do now!"

People who haven't experienced loss like this are just clueless. We can't expect them to fully understand.

Now. That Said. It doesn't excuse their lack of compassion for YOUR feelings. Even if they can't understand it, their behavior is unacceptable. They may not be able to EMPATHIZE, and understand how you feel, but they should respect that you are feeling the pain of losing a BABY, an unborn child, yes, but to you, a life, and a promise of what was to be.

Maybe if you relay that to them, that this is not about THEM, and how they feel, but about supporting YOU and RESPECTING how YOU feel, AND acknowledging that your hormones will be all over the place, very emotional and sad, have symptoms of Post Partum, because you WERE pregnant. Shame on THEM for not supporting you fully.

 

[Topanga053]

What Tina said!

Women who have never been through a MC (let alone been treated the horrible way you were by their doctors during that experience) have no business telling a woman who HAS been through one to "get over it" or "move on." (Well, actually, NO ONE has any business telling a woman to "move on" from a MC!)

I was really surprised the way that my MC affected my friendships. I grew a lot closer to some of my friends because they really understood my pain (even though they had never had a MC themselves!) and were wonderful about checking in on me and supporting me. At the same time, I grew apart from some of my other friends who tried to be helpful, but ended up saying some really hurtful things (like, "at least you lost it early on because you just get more attached as the pregnancy progresses" or "it's a good thing because it means something was wrong with it").

I would definitely talk to your friend how Tina suggested. If she STILL doesn't get it or rseponds insensitively, I would start to wonder whether the friendship is worth it. Even if I'd never been through a MC myself, I would COMPLETELY understand why your experience was so traumatic, especially given your age and how long you had to wait before being able to TTC. I don't think it should take someone experiencing a MC themselves to really understand why your experience was so difficult.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with insensitive friends on top of everything else. It's so unfair.

 

[Journey2Bump]

I completely agree! Those people have no say because they are incapable of knowing what the situation is really like. I miscarried in June, my first baby and I have received tons of insensitive remarks. They go about saying how I am so lucky that my life isn't ruined now and that I won't have to be a single mom, etc. I was more than ready to take up the responsibilities of raising my own child without any of their two sense needed. I just know their ignorance is because they are oblivious to the pain we feel.

 

[Kittycat155]

So agree. Or the you can make another. The comments are just unreal. to be honest I have hand raised kittens and got more sympathy from total strangers when one has died the a PART of me and my husband. I can take some comments from the people you know are trying but say the wrong thing, the ones that would do anything for you.

but I actually told neighbor and within few minutes shes like wanna go walk? Cant do THAT with kids...really? and a stroller is for what? I was pissed. I just said no then told husband and even he was pissed.



You are going to get the idiots with something like this. The idiots just cant keep quiet.

 

[LorraineMM]

Urgh I know what you mean, for example: I realise it's common to MC, and I know it happens a lot more than sometimes we realise. But my god. I've had two MC's entangled with my work place as in I MC at work with my first. And two ladies were practically bullying me giving me the worst day at work ever and that day it triggered for my second mc (MMC) to start. I just feel that my MC's are so tightly linked with my job so it's hard for me to be there and it'd been 5/6 days after my D&C that I went back for my first day back to work. My boss comes out with you'd be surprised about how many women have had what you have been through in this office. I was thinking. 'YES, okay but I'm not them this is me and my mc, my babies, this is my life. I don't care about everyone else's story's right now' it doesn't mean I should be fine and get over it because the whole office might have experienced it. its soo annoying to feel like everyone thinks 'oh no big deal' it WAS and is a HUGE deal to me.

 

[Nina83]

My heart breaks for all of you
I think I'm "lucky" to have a boss who went through 2 miscarriages.
Yes, she told me I was lucky it happened early on, but she is understanding and the day I had the D&C I got a short and sweet SMS from her. And she really never talks to me.
I haven't really gotten any "move on" from anyone, mainly because we didn't tell many.
What surprised me most was a girl who had a MC, and a twin reduction, pretty much told me "you'll get over it" with a little laugh.
My excuse for them is that they just don't know how to deal with pain and bad news. But that's really no excuse.
It's not a baby that died, or my dreams, it was an actual PART of me that died. A chunk right of my heart. And no one can see it but me- that's why people are so ignorant. If my hand was chopped off I'd get a whole different reaction. But my pain is hidden inside.

 

[Ali33]

I don't think sometimes people realize how their words sound to other people. I don't think or would like to hope that she was just in her way trying to be positive for you but since she can't possibly understand it she doesn't know how it sounds to you. My baby boy was stillborn at 24 weeks in May and my mom never told me sorry for your loss or anything. I also have friends avoiding me like the plague which is equally as hard as some of the words people say. Unfortunately some people just aren't very tactful and most don't even realize it. I am sorry for your loss. xx

 

[sunflower82]

Someone who has never had a mc will never understand no matter how much you explain
Too them I'm with you I had a mc in march at 18 weeks I was devastated but for some it was no big deal I'm still not over it my due date would've been aug 4 th Sunday which makes it more depressing lots of hugs if you need to talk just pm me take care

 

[Literati_Love]

I'm very sorry for your loss and sorry that your friend(s) are not being the support you need. People who have never gone through it truly can never understand. I hope you can find the support you need on these forums at least. *hugs*

 

[Mellymel]

I know she was trying her best to be supportive (minus the age slam) but she just wasn't understanding that what she was saying wasn't helping. The comment about the mc being good was said when I told her I had bleeding initially and was concerned. The funny thing is she keeps telling me how sensitive she is. I remember when she was pregnant and was very emotional.

Thanks for all your support! I am grateful for being blue to share experiences

 

[FeLynn]

everyone will have their own opinion but unless they have been through it they can not even begin to understand. I have 3 kids and 3 miscarriages. My miscarriages happened after my kids and all back to back with no reason what so ever. Test came back okay for me, had my 3rd loss tested early 2nd trimester loss and she was normal baby girl. No reason why her heart stopped. I am much better now then I was last year. I am still hurt and angry I miss my princess. I had no idea how someone could miss someone who wasn't here in person. My baby died in my belly but It still hurts and the pain forever be the same. I think of her often and wish I could have changed things. I blame myself and those around me, that will never change.

People constantly say things to me and I honestly want to throat punch them. I hate that I went through this and feel so angry but since I have no answers as to why I have to choice but to come up with all the possible what ifs. I had to stop talking to my one friend b/c of the things that were coming out of her mouth. Keep your head up!

 

[AC1987]

An mc is heartbreaking even early on, I can't say I have much knowledge about them as I only had one when I was about 5 weeks, 2 years ago. It made my heart ache so bad, I was full of confusion, so yes for someone to just act like its not big deal, that's quite heartless