Should the father be at the birth?

[Pearls18]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21701683

Do you think the father should be obliged to be at the birth? What if the couple aren’t together anymore? How would you feel if your FOB didn’t want to be at the birth? Do you think we will go back to the times when men waited outside? Do you think the father has the right to ask to be there if the mother isn’t keen on it whatever their relationship status?.......Discuss!!

 

[Button#]

I know my OH would have been devestated to have missed it but I think like with everything else in a relationship it should be up to the couple. I imagine it would be difficult if they disagreed on the subject and there may have to be some compromise.

For parents who are not together then I'm going to have to say mums decision is priority. If she's stressed out by having the FOB in the room when she is in labour it could have a negative affect. I suppose I hope in that situation the mum and dad are able to work on being around each other comfortably before the birth for the sake of the baby, in that case the FOB may be able to attend with no additional stress to the mother.

 

[Tasha]

Oooh good topic.

I think the Dad should be able to be there if he wishes, however if the mother really doesnt want him there then her wishes should be followed, the same as if the Dad really doesnt want to be there then his should be followed too, regardless of their relationship status.

If we start making someone be in the room when either party doesnt want them to, then we will just be adding a whole heap of extra emotions into the labour room which probably isnt good for the mother, baby, father or labour process in general.

 

[Tiff]

I dunno. Personally I would feel that if I wanted him in the delivery room and he didn't want to, he'd better suck it up.

Which is unfair of course, but if I'M the one who's dealing with all the symptoms of pregnancy (morning sickness, bloating, hormones, labour etc) then the least he can do is be there for me if I want him to be.

But if I didn't want him there, then personally I feel that those wishes should be abided by too. Which is probably a double standard and unfair, but if I'm honest I feel that pregnancy itself is one sided and not very fair at all.

I might have a different viewpoint had I had a smooth pregnancy though. My pregnancy was awful and while it was completely worth it to get my kiddo out of the deal... I still have no desire to go through it again.

 

[CMarie]

I definitely think the father should be at the birth regardless of if he is in a relationship with the mother. To be honest, I think it's just as much the father's right to be there as the mother's . . yes, she is the one giving birth, but that is HIS child as well. Of course there will be circumstances where it would be in the best interest of the mother (and ultimately the baby) for him to not be there (if he's abusive, etc), but if they just don't get along then I think they need to set their differences aside for the birth of their child.

 

[Tasha]

CMarie I understand what you are saying but if they dont get on it isnt always as simple as just putting differences aside. If a man makes a woman feel stressed then that can have an impact on labour for example slow it down and therefore that can cause more interventions which could ulimately have a bad outcome for the baby, surely that should be the primary concern not who gets to view the labour. I mean a man could come in immediately afterwards.

 

[CMarie]

CMarie I understand what you are saying but if they dont get on it isnt always as simple as just putting differences aside. If a man makes a woman feel stressed then that can have an impact on labour for example slow it down and therefore that can cause more interventions which could ulimately have a bad outcome for the baby, surely that should be the primary concern not who gets to view the labour. I mean a man could come in immediately afterwards.

For me I guess it comes down to why she gets stressed out around him. I completely understand that the birth is primarily about the mother, but I can't stand this notion that the father is just "a man" and can see the baby any time. I understand (like I said before) that there are going to be circumstances where it's in the best interest of the mother and the baby for the father to not be in the room, but I think majority of the time, even when the couple is no longer together, there's no reason for the father to miss his child's birth. And to be honest, I find it unfair that the mother always gets the say as to if the father is allowed in the room. I'm not saying that the father being in the room should be mandatory by any means, but I don't think it's fair (and I know a few women who have done this) for a woman to just not like the father of her child and therefore not allow him in the room during the birth. That's just my opinion though.

 

[socitycourty]

If a woman felt strongly that she did not want the father there, i would consider it a violation of her rights that the man would be there against her will. Yes, he is a "father" but not all men are "fathers" of the same regard, if he was abusive or didn't want the child or is stalking/controlling what right in the world does he have to be there? i was incredibly vulnerable during my labor which went on for a long time, I didn't want anyone there I was not comfortable with and was even uncomfortable with so many hospital staff looking at me, talking about me, etc.

 

[Sarahkka]

I think I agree with those who say that this is extrememly circumstantial. In most circumstances it is hard to comprehend a father who would not want to be involved and supporting his partner through the whole process, but there are men who can't handle the blood and gore of it, or even the stress of a partner in pain where they can't "fix" it. That should be respected, but hopefully not sprung on the labouring parnter in the process.
When it comes to estranged partners, it gets tricky. How DO you reconcile a caring dad who wants to witness their child being born with a mother who wants nothing to do with that man anymore and certainly does not want him present in circumstances as vulnerable and personal as birth? Very tricky territory. I think you can just hope that everyone keeps talking and tries to be as generous as possible for the baby's sake. But hugely difficult territory, I imagine.

 

[steph.]

I think the father should only be there if the mother wants him to be. A woman is in extreme pain, with bits hanging out, legs wide open, pooing...the last thing you want is to be feeling self concious because someone who you dont trust or even like is there.

I do have a friend who didnt want her husband in the room while she was pushing, because she was too embarassed. I thought it was a shame because he really wanted to be there and he's a lovely guy who would have been a great support. But even though he was disspointed at not seeing his baby being born, it was a bigger deal for her to not have him there than for him not to be there. Hope that makes sense!

 

[freckleonear]

I don't usually say this, but I think that ultimately it should be the woman's choice. Emotional factors can have a huge impact on labour and therefore the baby's own wellbeing. It might not be fair to the man, but as a father he needs to put the safety of his unborn child first. I'm very much an advocate for fathers having an equal role in parenting, but birth is something that women have to do and therefore they should get to make the choices that make them feel safe.

 

[zanDark]

I think it depends on what makes the woman giving birth more comfortable

If she's not on good terms with FOB, I think she'd rather have someone close to her in the delivery room instead of having to deal with someone she doesn't want! Regardless of whether it's his baby too...ultimately birth doesn't really concern him since he's not the one pushing a baby out of his hoohah!

My brother wasn't in either of his boys births...the first time his ex freaked out about him looking and wouldn't concentrate on pushing so he was kicked out by the doctors, and the second time SIL had an emcs because the baby's heart rate dropped after she was given medicine to speed labor up. Men aren't allowed in the OR during csections here.

He feels bad that he got to see the babies when we all did (they bring them out to a tiny room so the family can see) but understands that sometimes it's not possible!

The only reason I expect Tom to be there when I give birth (god willing) is because I know he's calm and will help me through it! If he were freaked out by it I wouldn't want him with me

 

[Andypanda6570]

I don't know I am on the fence with this. I mean yes the mother is giving birth but the father also created this special little baby and he has rights also, IMO.

But the mother needs to be comfortable when giving birth not stressed out and the person who is there who she doesn't want there may cause her stress and that stress believe me can cause problems in a pregnancy and in birth.

So I guess I would side with the mother, unless she was just being vindictive and being spiteful to the father, but then again how would anyone know that?
I feel bad that fathers are put on the back burner and not considered, but I think in this situation where giving birth anything can go wrong, the mother should have the choice of who should be there .

 

[robinator]

I don't believe it's always as simple as "putting differences aside". Some differences can't be put aside, nor should they be. It's all circumstantial. If the man is controlling/emotionally abusive, absolutely he should not be there. The whole process of giving birth is stressful enough; if there is a person there who you are scared of as well, telling you what to do, how is that beneficial? Or, as soon as baby is born and you're trying to establish breastfeeding and he's hovering, telling you to do it this way or that, that you are doing it wrong, etc? Absolutely a father like that should not be allowed in; he is turning what should be a special time into an unenjoyable trial.

Usually I'm all for father's rights, but sometimes all the facts should be taken into consideration and if not having him there is best for mom and baby, then so be it. But if she is just being spiteful, that is not a good enough reason and completely unfair.

 

[lhancock90]

Ultimately it's a woman's decision who is around her at such a vulnerable time. Though I do support the father being there provided the circumstances are safe. If the relationship has ended because of drugs or violence. At the very least, provided he's no risk, the father should be allowed to wait in the waiting area.

 

[cat lover]

Up to the woman IMO, shes the one in agony, bits on show and probably scared. if she doesnt want fob there that should be her choice. if she does, he should be. i would have been devastated to give birth without OH

 

[Pearls18]

Interesting seeing everybody's responses. I do feel sorry for fathers not having a choice in terms of their body, women HAVE to give birth thus they are naturally side lined, but then I guess it's not like women can choose otherwise either. In an ideal world I would like to think the mother could get passed her own feelings to appreciate the father's but if it is so uncomfortable and could affect the labour then yes if course it isn't appropriate. I guess end of the day it has to be the mother's choice. The times I feel sad is when I have seen one born every minute episodes where the father is sidelined by the MIL in the room (I dont mean every MIL but just some episodes) or the MIL going into a c section instead of the father.

 

[sparkle_1979]

I didn't want hubby there but he insisted on it. As much as I love him he's shit at sympathy and wasn't that supportive. Made jokes and had the right hump when I had pain killers. I actually get angry when I think about it.

 

[Scottish mum]

It's up to the indavidual. I had my oh there and wouldn't have it any other way!

 

[Twister]

I'm all for equal rights, but I do think its ultimately the woman's choice in this situation. Childbirth is a scary and vulnerable time, how the mum feels can have an effect on the baby and the baby's welfare comes before everything else. Because of this I think it's only right that the mum feels as comfortable and as relaxed as possible, if that means not having the baby daddy in the room with her then so be it. Some men might not like it and I can see how they would be hurt if they weren't allowed to be there, but they should accept it for the sake of their unborn baby. It's not exactly fair but if life was fair then men would be able to carry babies and give birth too