Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?

[garden_mom]

Not sure how to start this. Basically we need advice about our 15 year old daughter, and when it's appropriate to let her boyfriend sleep over, and how much freedom we should give them. And if we can go on another short trip and leave them alone.

For background, they have been having sex for some time, but we are okay with it. They've been together for more than 8 months, and it's serious. Her boyfriend who is 17 is a great guy, he treats her like a princess, and we like him a lot.

Their relationship was very emotionally intense from the beginning, they were inseparable and obsessed with each other. So eventually we realized sex was probably inevitable. It was hard to absorb at first but we are okay with it. We put her on the pill a couple years ago for cramps, and never took her off it. They don't use condoms, which she admitted to me, but she takes her pill religiously and makes a point of it. In general we feel they're being safe, and we know they will do it, and we feel safer if she's at home.

So in early June we decided to go on a weekend trip and leave her home, and we allowed him to stay over. We are considering doing this one or two more times this summer, but we wonder if we're giving them too much freedom.

For the record the chance of them having a party is very slim. He doesn't use drugs or smoke or even drink, which my daughter asked him when they were just friends, because she's not interested in them either. We are enormously grateful for that. And we trust her with him. It seems rare to find a 17 year old guy who's not interested in drinking, but frankly he seems more interested in her than anything else.

When we did this in June, it went fine. When we got back, they had done all the chores we asked, the house was so clean, they both seemed grateful. My daughter was beaming for days. I know she wants us to do it again and I sense her getting antsy about it although she's too shy to ask. What's confusing is that we want to, but we always thought we would be more protective of her than this.

We also have a feeling that if this becomes a thing, when the school year starts she will want more sleepovers. And what happens if we go down that road? He already spends a lot of time at our house, if he stays overnight regularly I don't know if that's appropriate.

Are we being smart about this? Should we let them have a couple more weekends this summer? I also wonder if this is something we should keep private from family or friends, or if there's no shame in it. It's hard to see this from the outside.

Sorry for the long post. It's a little overwhelming because they're already planning their future, like going to the same college together (his idea). We want to support their relationship, that's honestly our instinct, but are we being good parents too?

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I don't have teenagers yet so I can only say what I would do. Personally I wouldn't allow them to share a room or have him sleep over. Your situation sounds very similar to what happened with me at that age. I was on birth control and my parents let him sleep over to. At 16 I became pregnant, I feel they were too laid back with the entire thing and even though I was on the pill I still became pregnant. I get that if they are going to have sex they will do it regardless of your feeling but I feel letting him sleep over is a step to far. x

 

[Natasha2605]

I think it's great that they both seem sensible and you are open with your daughter enough to allow him to sleep over. As long as she understands the implications of NOT taking the pill and they are not abusing your trust I think it's fine. I wouldn't allow sleepovers on school nights or frequently once back at school. Don't really see the need.

I don't think it's a case of not being protective enough. Like you say, you'd rather they were at home rather than out and about.

 

[Pearls18]

I think it's great how open she is with you, you know she's having sex so if it wasn't at your house it would be somewhere else. My mum was always very relaxed with me and although I was a bit older at 17 I was always allowed my boyfriend (now husband!) over. The irony is I don't think I would be comfortable if it was my house, I am a self confessed prude when it comes to other people's sex lives and the thought of someone having sex in the room next to me makes me feel sick (I blame university dorm PTSD!) but if you're comfortable I don't think you should change what you're doing just because you're not sure if it's right or not, if you're all comfortable with the situation I don't see the need to change it. However, she is only 15 so I would treat it the same as friends sleeping over, school comes first, you wouldn't have friends over every weekend so just limit it that way perhaps? School vacations, so long as keeping up with school, not letting the relationship become her sole focus etc?

I think the key is good communication, which it sounds like you have! I would be tempted to get her a second form of birth control though, whether that's encouraging condoms or getting something like the implant instead?

 

[alicecooper]

Whilst I think it's nice that you're so supportive, I'm sorry I can't advise you, as I wouldn't be okay with my daughter (or indeed my sons) having sex at 15, so if it were my child there would be no sleepover privileges, and I would not be leaving her alone overnight with her boyfriend.

 

[garden_mom]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I don't think regular sleepovers are going to become a thing anytime soon. We are probably doing one or two more weekend trips this summer though. Since it worked out fine the first time, I don't think it's a problem.

To the point about limits, I think we do need to keep boundaries and a regular sleepover during the school year would be too much at this point. Not just in terms of "growing up too fast" but in terms of time. She did get behind on homework when they first got together, but that has been sorted out and she has a very responsible routine now.

Which also goes to why this is much more okay with us during the summer. If she's home alone especially over a weekend we almost feel more comfrotable with him being there. He has more than proven himself trustworthy at this point. Better she's with him than being persuaded by a friend into drinking or who knows what. She doesn't have bad friends but I know how it is.

I won't be sharing our situation with anyone else in life like family or friends, I think most people are more conservative about this issue. I won't let that cause any shame though because we know our values. It's hard to describe without living our lives and seeing them for 8 months. This is clearly a long term relationship and I sincerely believe they have a future together with the way things are going. We never thought our daughter would be in this situation at this age, but it has happened.

About birth control, I would like them to use condoms as well. However it would be impossible to enforce that, and honestly I don't see it happening especially since they are used to going without. We have thought about the implant. The problem is she likes the other benefits of the pill, it cooperates with her body and I've heard some fairly bad side effects of the implant. But we are still open to other possibilities.

 

[sue_88]

Whilst I think it's nice that you're so supportive, I'm sorry I can't advise you, as I wouldn't be okay with my daughter (or indeed my sons) having sex at 15, so if it were my child there would be no sleepover privileges, and I would not be leaving her alone overnight with her boyfriend.

I agree. Not ignoring the fact that what they're doing is illegal which would make me more determined to not have such act under my roof.

 

[cncem]

I would Never allow my 15 year old daughter to have sex, much less support and encourage it. I get it that my child might do it behind my back anyway, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to do so. You say you are aware that they don't use condoms? You may think this young man is well and good and faithful to your child, but he is only 17, still a child himself. How do you know he isn't going out and having sex with other girls and bringing diseases or god forbid hiv back to your child? There are other reasons for using condoms besides the prevention of pregnancy, and I'm surprised your ok with it. Birth control pills fail all the time, I've had so many friends and ladies I know that have fallen pregnant even when they are taking their pills religiously on time, every time. About going out of town and leaving your Child alone to play house with her boyfriend have you not thought what if there is a break-in and she gets killed or kidnapped? I would never leave my child at home alone while I went away for even a short trip. And lastly, your child may think you are a cool and hip parent, but when she is older she will resent you for not laying down rules and letting her do what she wants. Especially when she is 19 with a child on her hip, while her friends are away at college partying and enjoying being young and free. I keep saying child because no matter how mature and responsable you think she is, she is still a child.

[This post has been edited as per forum TOS]

 

[garden_mom]

They are less than 2 years apart, so no it is definitely not illegal in my state. The same goes for most states I think. It's not as if he's 20 years old, we would obviously not be okay with that. They are peers. He is not even remotely taking advantage of her, which would be obvious if you met them.

I understand many people are more conservative about these issues but suggesting CPS should be called on us is clearly a bit much. It is a safe neighborhood and my neighbor/friend would gladly help them out with something if needed. "I feel so bad for her"?... I don't know how else to defend myself except to say, she has grown up in a loving household and we do have rules, I don't think it's anything like you're imagining.

 

[cncem]

No, it's not abit much. Ask yourself why you don't ask your friends and family or tell anyone else in real life about the situation. Because you know you are wrong, period. No one said anything about your child being taken advantage of by this young man.

 

[Mintastic]

Don't listen to the haters. I am not a mom yet but I was the same as your daughter growing up and my parents were open and supportive and smart about it like you are being.
I am 33 now - happily married - never got accidentally pregnant or any STDs.
In my experience all my friends who got into bad situations in high school were the ones who had to sneak around.

The major difference is that while I was on the pill in high school we also still used condoms. I would never trust a teenaged boy not to cheat. I know there are good boys out there but that is just not something I would leave to chance.
Obviously you can't know for sure if they are using them but if you really have a trusting relationship maybe you can say that condoms are the condition under which he can stay over and that you will be trusting her to do the right thing?

Edit: Also - I feel that like with your daughter my parents support allowed me to form long-term relationships that are still meaningful to me today rather than simply hooking up with random guys at parties as many of my peers were doing.

 

[Pearls18]

I think you're being way too harsh cncem, I completely agree I think 15 is too young to have sex, I was still a child then and as a parent I hope my children aren't in a rush to grow up. But I think it is SO easy to sit back and be judgemental especially while we are parents of babies not teenagers it's always so easy to have ideals, when I first read this I thought NO WAY, but reading it the one thing that stood out to me is that the daughter is probably a lot safer than daughters of parents who choose to brush it under the carpet, who just say "nope, you're too young to have sex" girls like these are the ones who become detached from their parents, will put more emphasis on their relationship and could be less safe about sex. I don't know what I would do, as I say I don't think I would be comfortable with sleep overs in my house end of and probably wouldn't allow it under 16 due to not wanting to condone underage sex, but the OP clearly cares for the safety of her daughter, maybe she is a bit too blasé about a 15 year old having sex, but at the end of the day most teenagers are so stubborn that if you said no they are going to do it anyway, maybe you would prefer to play dumb, let them try it elsewhere (maybe this is what I would do) but it sounds like the OP has the trust of her daughter and as I say I think that makes her a hell of a lot less vulnerable than a lot of other teenagers out there. As kids get older parenting gets more complex, I am dreading the teenage years but there really isn't a right or wrong answer, children are growing up so fast these days, society is as much to blame and there is only so much control we have over that. I know I'm glad not making these decisions yet.

 

[sue_88]

I thought the age of consent was 16-18 across America? Maybe I'm wrong but I know I wouldn't condone it in UK as it is illegal.

I also forgot to touch on the being left alone which is again something I wouldn't do. I was very trusted growing up in my household but still being left alone overnight wasn't acceptable, and I can't say I'd be doing that with my LO just to go off on holiday. I'd want her to be with me as a family.

If you're happy for her to continue this way then I do think you should seriously plead with her to use condoms. People can be very good liars and you've got no way of knowing if he's cheated, or will cheat (shit does happen!) so the disease protection is a must which at the minute they're wide open too. And give that the pill is not 100% effective it will add another pregnancy protection.

 

[Pearls18]

I agree about not leaving her at 15 either.

As for her not wanting to use condoms or you being worried about the implant, this is where you have to parent and not be her friend, she needs to know all the risks and a compromise has to be met, she can't have it all her way.

 

[~RedLily~]

I don't have a 15 year old so maybe my opinion will change when I do but for now I think if you know they will be having sex regardless of what you say then surely at home is better than her sneaking off and you not knowing where she is (not saying she would). I also think the way you have dealt with the situation will have made her more comfortable to talk to you about anything, contraception for example.
I personally don't think I would be ok about leaving a 15 year old for the weekend but if I ever did, having her boyfriend there would make me feel more comfortable I think.
What you say or do probably won't change their decision to have sex but at least you know they are in a safe environment.

 

[sbl]

For me its a big absolutely not, no way, not a hope!
While I know 15 year olds are having sex it wouldn't be happening under my roof. I was no angel at that age and in an intense relationship which ended terribly.
At 15 no matter how sensible you are your not sensible enough for that kind of freedom at home in my opinion.
Its great you guys have such a good relationship but I would never condone this. Its illegal in Ireland anyway.

 

[lhancock90]

It doesn't matter how many years apart they are its about whether shes under the age of constant and if hes over, he could be charged with statutory rape and ruin his life. If shes going to have sex, shes going to have sex and you can make sure she does it safely but i think you are be far to encouraging of it myself.
I would limit sleepovers, separate rooms when you are there?

 

[ItsJana]

I have several thoughts on this issue, and when I first read it I thought no way is this for real. This person has to be a troll, just saying these things to get stuff started on here. But, lets just say you are for real I would Never allow my 15 year old daughter to have sex, much less support and encourage it. I get it that my child might do it behind my back anyway, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to do so. You say you are aware that they don't use condoms? You may think this young man is well and good and faithful to your child, but he is only 17, still a child himself. How do you know he isn't going out and having sex with other girls and bringing diseases or god forbid hiv back to your child? There are other reasons for using condoms besides the prevention of pregnancy, and I'm surprised your ok with it. Birth control pills fail all the time, I've had so many friends and ladies I know that have fallen pregnant even when they are taking their pills religiously on time, every time. About going out of town and leaving your Child alone to play house with her boyfriend have you not thought what if there is a break-in and she gets killed or kidnapped? I would never leave my child at home alone while I went away for even a short trip. And lastly, your child may think you are a cool and hip parent, but when she is older she will resent you for not laying down rules and letting her do what she wants. Especially when she is 19 with a child on her hip, while her friends are away at college partying and enjoying being young and free. I keep saying child because no matter how mature and responsable you think she is, she is still a child. I feel so bad for her. I find this whole thing disgusting and appalling and child protective services should be called in to protect your child from you. If it seems I'm being judgy, well I am. You invited judgement when you wrote this and asked people their opinions.

Couldn't agree more. I'm not going to respond to op, because I have nothing nice or supportive to say about what she is allowing. The whole thing is shocking and I don't think I'm generally a "conservative" person, just a common sense parent.

 

[Sour_Skittle]

I didn't respond when I first read this... But my first instinct... I actually wanted to cry. Maybe being pregnant is the culprit... But to me 15 is still way too young to be allowed sex... It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking of it... But then I was thinking maybe I really don't know anything about teenagers because I was the type that grew up not wanting sex until marriage and never did drugs, never drank or smoked. Didn't drink until I was 20. And no sex until 19... I can only hope I can encourage my children to do the same... I don't want them to think it's ok at this age to do that. I'm just scared to death of being a parent to a teenager... More so afraid than being a parent to a newborn.

No judgement from me... Because being a parent to teenagers is no easy task and knowing what the right thing to do doesn't come as easily... We want them to be babies forever... Where we know they are safe and can't get hurt. :/

But I do agree.. Maybe 15 is still a bit too young to be left home alone over night or multiple nights... But I'm a worrisome person and would think the worst and would never be able to enjoy my vacation...

 

[Pearls18]

I totally get what everyone is saying, I don't really disagree with anyone (except the person who mentioned CPS...) I absolutely hope to bring my children up to not want to be having sex under 16, that is my main aim, what I will do if this is not looking like the case I don't know. I myself have only ever been with my husband so I was not a promiscuous person at all so by being sympathetic isn't to reflect any of my own morals. I totally understand banning sleepovers as a way of showing you don't condone it, buuuuuuut how do you "disallow" somebody from having sex? It's such a personal decision about your own body, it's not even like getting a tattoo I feel, I'm not sure you can tell someone off for that without fear of pushing your daughter away and leaving her vulnerable when right now she probably needs support not rebellion, I mean I suppose the OP should be doing more to encourage the girl to not have sex as it sounds like she hasn't done this at all but ignoring how they got to that point and just looking at it from now, how do you support your daughter, educate her, but let her have control of her own body? I don't have the answer I'm just thinking allowed, I mean I totally get the repulsion of an under 16 having sex I would be devastated to find out if my children had (I think that's why people are unsympathetic as the OP doesn't appear to be) but I think once it has happened if you haven't been able to stop it it's not as black and white as just being repulsed, and saying "nope, nadde, no way" teenagers scare me...I feel like it's going to be like treading on egg shells, trying to educate them, respect them, parent them but not controlling them.