Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?

[lau86]

I've held off replying to this one as I don't have a teenage daughter and am not sure I'm qualified to comment. In a way it think it's a bit of a pointless question as there are sooooo many factors that has led the op to her decision, we have never met her, her daughter or boyfriend so cannot really say what she should do.
What I will say is I was older when my boyfriend was allowed to stay, (around 17), he stayed in my room so it was pretty much an unspoken thing that we were having sex, apart from a 'I hope you're being careful' from my mum. I was/ am really sensible and got the pill from the GP without my mum knowing. I just didn't have that sort of relationship with my parents.
The op has allowed her daughter to do this under her roof so it is going to be really difficult to back track now. Op I would have another talk with her about condoms and try to persuade her of the benefits.
As for her boyfriend sleeping over I would let him stay maybe once or twice a month and only if her school work is good/ she behaves herself otherwise.
I find it really icky to think of a 15 yr old having sex, but i would rather they be able to come to me and be open with me. my main concern would be that she doesn't get herself into any situations that would adversely affect her future.
Eta, her boyfriend presumably has parents, what do they think of it?

 

[sue_88]

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

 

[Mintastic]

Not all sex is created equal.

I started when I was 14(almost 15), with parental knowledge/support with a very nice boy I was with for two years and am still friends with today. We are both happily married (to other people). I have been with my husband for almost 9 years.
I have plenty of friends who waited until 18 only to lose it to a random drunk frat guy they never saw again. Is that better?

The OP isn't simply supporting underage sex - something many seem to find grotesque - she is supporting a stable, healthy, long-term relationship - something many teens don't get to experience.

This sets an excellent foundation for future relationships even if the girl doesn't marry her high school sweetheart. When you know what a good relationship is like you are a lot less likely to put up with d-bags and one night stands.

 

[Natasha2605]

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?

 

[housewifey]

Seems to be lots of varied opinions on this one!

OP I congratulate you on having such an open and trusting relationship with your daughter. I can only hope I have the same with my daughter when she is older. I think you are doing a great job although I do have to agree with a few of the previous posters, the pill is not 100% effective and I would be pushing for use of condoms or a different method? Although it's impossible to keep track of this obviously!

Those saying they would not allow it under any circumstance because it is illegal? Her daughter is 15 so 1 year or less below the legal age of consent? Have you never sped on a highway? Dropped litter? Stole something (Small)? I'm not saying breaking the law is okay in every sense but the OP is encouraging a healthy relationship rather than meaningless one night stands which could put her daughter at more risk of sti etc.

 

[sue_88]

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?

Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.

yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.

I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.

 

[sue_88]

Seems to be lots of varied opinions on this one!

OP I congratulate you on having such an open and trusting relationship with your daughter. I can only hope I have the same with my daughter when she is older. I think you are doing a great job although I do have to agree with a few of the previous posters, the pill is not 100% effective and I would be pushing for use of condoms or a different method? Although it's impossible to keep track of this obviously!

Those saying they would not allow it under any circumstance because it is illegal? Her daughter is 15 so 1 year or less below the legal age of consent? Have you never sped on a highway? Dropped litter? Stole something (Small)? I'm not saying breaking the law is okay in every sense but the OP is encouraging a healthy relationship rather than meaningless one night stands which could put her daughter at more risk of sti etc.

Nope, nope & no! (Well maybe I've done 32 in a 30...shoot me).

And we're not talking about dropping a sweet wrapper here, we're talking about statutory rape. You can make the guy out like he poops rainbows but in the UK, this is statutory rape.

 

[Pearls18]

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?

Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.

yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.

I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.

You see the funny thing is I had a different up bringing to you, yes my parents were stricter than most of my friends in most respects, I couldn't "hang out" in town and was hard getting them to let me out under 16, BUT my mum had a very open relationship with me she always told me to ask her about that stuff from around the age of 13, she used to let me drink responsibly at home from 13 all of this was because she wanted me to feel comfortable talking to her and getting used to the adult world but all the while I was very much a child, she had a very strict upbringing of not being allowed boys home etc (military upbringing her dad was an officer) and she will tell you now her parents wouldn't have been happy with what she got up to not that they knew, and put herself in vulnerable situations. My mum didn't lay down massive ground rules with me, I know that if I had of wanted sex at 15 I could have discussed it with her and she would have put me on the pill (I genuinely don't know if she would have tried to talk me out of it) but you know what? I grew up to not be the girl that slept around, I could count on one hand how many boys I've kissed, I was never a big drinker and I married the guy I lost my virginity to after being with him for 8 months (the sex bit, I didn't marry him after 8 months lol). She let him sleep over in my bed even when we had only been together a few months. My point is there isn't one way to parent to get the same outcome, there is no saying that your daughter will absolutely respect you and do exactly as you wish just because you say you will raise her that way, if it was that easy no one would complain about teenagers! I don't know how I will bring up my boys I guess it's very different with boys but I know I can't be too hard on myself saying "they will be like this, this and this because I will do it this way" respect is the absolute key, I respected my mum, but you gain that in many different ways. You respected the boundaries your parents set for you, I respected my parents' and basically we got the same outcome, stress free girls to raise

 

[sue_88]

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?

Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.

yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.

I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.

You see the funny thing is I had a different up bringing to you, yes my parents were stricter than most of my friends in most respects, I couldn't "hang out" in town and was hard getting them to let me out under 16, BUT my mum had a very open relationship with me she always told me to ask her about that stuff from around the age of 13, she used to let me drink responsibly at home from 13 all of this was because she wanted me to feel comfortable talking to her and getting used to the adult world but all the while I was very much a child, she had a very strict upbringing of not being allowed boys home etc (military upbringing her dad was an officer) and she will tell you now her parents wouldn't have been happy with what she got up to not that they knew, and put herself in vulnerable situations. My mum didn't lay down massive ground rules with me, I know that if I had of wanted sex at 15 I could have discussed it with her and she would have put me on the pill (I genuinely don't know if she would have tried to talk me out of it) but you know what? I grew up to not be the girl that slept around, I could count on one hand how many boys I've kissed, I was never a big drinker and I married the guy I lost my virginity to after being with him for 8 months (the sex bit, I didn't marry him after 8 months lol). She let him sleep over in my bed even when we had only been together a few months. My point is there isn't one way to parent to get the same outcome, there is no saying that your daughter will absolutely respect you and do exactly as you wish just because you say you will raise her that way, if it was that easy no one would complain about teenagers! I don't know how I will bring up my boys I guess it's very different with boys but I know I can't be too hard on myself saying "they will be like this, this and this because I will do it this way" respect is the absolute key, I respected my mum, but you gain that in many different ways. You respected the boundaries your parents set for you, I respected my parents' and basically we got the same outcome, stress free girls to raise

Yeah I definitely agree, we could have teenagers from absolute hell, but knowing what my mum did with two different girl and raised them the same and produced myself and my sister then I'll take some of her teachings and mould them to my LO. Of course she's different, and we're years and years off but our parents do teach us. My folks weren't too different to what you described, I wasn't allowed out until I was 18 to go 'clubbing' but restaurants etc were fine. I was allowed to drink at home, I did have my boyfriend (who became fiancé and is still the only person I've ever kissed or had sex with, my LOs dad.) over but we wanted to all be together as a family anyway so never shut ourselves away in my room, and we we're open about everything considered private if we wanted to talk. I wouldn't have considered sex at 15 anyway, so that never needed to come up.

No ones got a crystal ball so we can't say how things will be, but I would hope that if I parent the way to my Mum & Dad did, my girl will be raised to be like me into her adult life. And if she's a tearaway, she'll get shipped straight to grandmas!

 

[Pearls18]

Absolutely of course we have to parent to the best of our ability we can't just say "teenagers will be teenagers" the character of the child will come into it also I was always an indoorsy, introverted and not interested in sex etc at a young age so my parents didn't have a fight on their hands with me. My brother got together with his girlfriend at 14 I remember sleep overs being a sticking point but I'm pretty sure they were allowed before 16 although not much before, I would be amazed if they hadn't of had sex, they are getting married this September after 9 years together having both been to uni

My point is that there are different methods of parenting, sleepovers at 15 might shock some people (myself included) but it doesn't sound like the OP has stood back and just thought I will leave her to it, she's just approaching it a different way, my parents went down the more liberal line but even they are surprised at how prudish we turned out haha.

I think I will be more conservative than my own parents but tbh that stems more from my personality than my upbringing, but I will ( and do ) uphold their values.

 

[cncem]

Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

 

[garden_mom]

This is a little overwhelming right now but I'll try to respond to some of it...

Since it has been brought up so many times now after I've said it's legal, in the state of Minnesota: "If the person under the age of consent is between 13 and 16 years old, they can legally consent to sex with someone that is less than 48 months (4 years) older than them." I have checked other sources too. I could see that being lowered to 3 years or 2 years difference, but even then this would still be legal. These laws are to protect teens being taken advantage of, not high schoolers who are peers.

To be clear, I would be horrified if she started having sex with multiple partners, or lost her virginity at a party, or with some asshole who didn't care about her. Those were my nightmares. The opposite of that has happened, and when I look at my daughter and her boyfriend it's hard not to be happy. I didn't expect her to be growing up this fast, but she has also dealt with it better than I could have expected and has shown a surprising amount of maturity.

No it's not perfect, and we have probably been too lax in some ways, and I honestly respect people's opinions on that. But I refuse to push her away. I value the openness and communication we have and always hoped I would have that kind of relationship with her as a teen. How confusing would it be to punish her for staying true to what we've taught her, including being against promiscuity and partying and such. No we did not say "you can't have sex before this age" and maybe we should have. But she has been such a great daughter and honestly lives up to our values.

 

[JASMAK]

My niece is 15 having sex and I am not okay with it at all. I also think it's disrespectful to have sex at parent's house. I mean you are okay with this already so it's a question for you alone to answer. We are all of varying opinions and some, like myself, do not have a child of that age. It would be nice if my child waited until, you know. ..30. Ha!

 

[pinklightbulb]

I would rather my kid do this under my roof and I knew it was going on than get the shock of "Hey, Mum? I got my GF pregnant.... WTF do I do?????" if they were going behind my back because I thought me "not allowing" my child to be sexually active would simply be enough to make it so....

 

[Natasha2605]

Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

That is an absolutely ridiculous comparison to make, how offensive Her daughter is in a LOVING relationship, it is not the same at all!

Maybe there was a mother somewhere who sold her daughter's virginity, that has absolutely no relevance to this thread at all

I don't see why OP needs to tell people in real life either, I don't go about telling people the ins and outs of my family dynamics.

OP has already stated that this is legal in her state if you'd read above so the comments about CPS or authorities are not relevant either.

Btw, your not allowed to call troll on the forum either. If you're really that concerned I hope you've reported to admin.

 

[Pearls18]

Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

Now who sounds like a troll?

 

[lhancock90]

Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

Sorry is it normal to go round notifying everyone you know when your kids decide to have sex?
Is it child prostitution for your daughter to be in a loving relationship?!


OP, i already answered once and i am genuinely glad you cleared up the legalities of the situation, i do think i would try create a healthier relationship for your daughter in that, when you said it started off very serious and intense, its probably still that way, that's being 15 i suppose. I would make clear sleepovers are not a common occurrence, they will be a rarity until she reaches a better age. Encourage safe sex etc. Keep tabs on them both. Its all you can do now really, x

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Some of these responses

OP I really hope my my son and I have a relationship like you and your daughter when he's that age! She sounds amazingly mature for her age and you must be very proud. The law here isn't as flexible but it's obvious you've all approached the situation with sense. I think it's very easy to comment on a scenario that you've never encountered in reality.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd let them have the overnights. They've been very sensible with it before. Because you've already given them that freedom you don't want a situation where you go away and they decide to sneak around because you've refused them this time. It'd be unfortunate when they've done so much to gain your trust,

 

[Noodlebear]

Sorry but cncem you need to learn how to speak to people, your comments are not only rude but also ridiculous and out of touch.

I don't really agree with the 'atleast they're doing it under my roof' mentality as a blanket rule, it depends on the individual. If you think that putting limits on it left right and center is going to stop them then you need a reality check, people have sex in the day aswell believe it or not. OP, your relationship with your daughter is fantastic. It's wonderful that she's so open and honest with you and you should be proud of the fact that you have made that happen. I do agree with MW about making sure she understands that she isn't protected from everything just because she's using the pill, though at 15 I'm sure she's more than aware of that fact anyway. At the end of the day she's very honest with you, you know where she is, you know and like her boyfriend - in your situation, yeah, I'd much rather have them both in my house where they're safe than being overly strict so they end up going god knows where after dark to have that time together. If they were both totally immature and unaware of how to behave responsibly then no way.

 

[hopeandpray]

Have you thought about what you will do if she becomes pregnant? The pill alone is not 100% effective and at her age she's probably incredibly fertile. I think that 15 is too young to be having a relationship where she is staying alone for days in a house having sex with her boyfriend. They are important years for self development and I'd be afraid she'd miss out while spending so much time and energy on a boy.
I think that it's great that you both have such an open relationship I think that allowing what you have at 15 is a little much. Out of respect I wouldn't have brought my boyfriend to the house to have sex at that age.