Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?

[Wobbles]

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[Aidan's Mummy]

Have you thought about what you will do if she becomes pregnant? The pill alone is not 100% effective and at her age she's probably incredibly fertile. I think that 15 is too young to be having a relationship where she is staying alone for days in a house having sex with her boyfriend. They are important years for self development and I'd be afraid she'd miss out while spending so much time and energy on a boy.
I think that it's great that you both have such an open relationship I think that allowing what you have at 15 is a little much. Out of respect I wouldn't have brought my boyfriend to the house to have sex at that age.

Second this x

 

[seoj]

OP- Obviously you've gotten loads of opinions. But maybe hearing from someone who's parents DID let her B/F stay over might help?

I don't want to speak to whether I think she should or should not be having sex at her age (or with a boy 2yrs older). It's done. And you and your OH are Ok with it- so that is the most important thing (besides your daughters emotional and physical well being of course)- and you seem you have a very open relationship and a great line of communication. And no matter what- whether you initially agreed with her decision or not- that is very important and something I also have with my SD (who's now 17) and who's been my full time kid since she was 9yrs. I cherish how open we are with eachother- and intend on having the same with my LO. As that is what I had with my own mother.

I would say- you should at least discuss the risks of not using condoms. Although, I too stopped using them once I was on the pill (although I was 18 at the time). So I get it. I mean, there is NO guarantee no matter what form of BC you use. You can't wrap her in a bubble- although I've thought about with my oldest! She's not having sex yet- nor has she been in a serious relationship yet. I think 3mos was her longest?

I was 17 (almost 18) when my first serious b/f and I had sex-- and we were "in love" (as much as you can be at that age- although I honestly feel it's more passion and innocence than real love- just my two cents though lol). But my b/f was great to me- I knew he'd been with other girls- so he got blood work to rule anything out. I was a virgin. So I didn't. After we'd been dating several months- and my parents knew we were having sex, and I'd been put on the pill-- I did sleep over at his house often, and occasionally he'd sleep at mine. My mom's thought was- it was going to happen, I was 18 (legally an adult) and although I lived at home and had to respect that and check in still etc... she allowed me that freedom.

At 15- I would probably not do the same though tbh. Even at 17, the thought of my oldest having a boy stay over (well, it's not a good feeling). But- we'd for sure set clear boundaries and rules. She would need to respect them- period.

End of the day you need to do what you feel is best- like you've been doing. I'd love to say I wouldn't allow it- but being that they were going to have sex regardless, I do understand wanting her to feel safe and protected- not doing it in the back of his car or behind your back when your not home. My SD has friends that do that- and it breaks my heart to be frank. Cause their parents have NO clue- so who is there to be honest and open and supportive with them? And many of them started having sex by freshman/sophomore year (so 15-16yrs old). Most of my high school friends where the same. I was the exception- not the rule. So I do know the reality of how it works- not some ideal view I'd *prefer*. If only.

I will add- that my SD is a good voice of reason for her friends. She encourages them to talk to their parents (most of them feel she's nuts for being so honest with us and even give her a hard time about it- but that doesn't change how she is with us). So I'm very proud of the young woman she's become- I'm sure you are with your daughter as well.

 

[Seity]

Wow, that's tough. I don't think that I would personally allow the boyfriend to be over when we were away. It sounds like she's being as mature as a 15 year old can be about protection and that's a good start, but I think that when my children are older I would encourage abstinence until they are at least in college, while at the same time making sure that the lines of communication are open and they understand about all the various forms of protection, STD's, and the seriousness of being a parent when things go wrong. It's too late to put that metaphorical cat back in the bag in your case.
No, I don't think that I'm being at all naive to think that teenagers are capable of not having sex. My parents never once talked to me about sex or anything even vaguely related to it, like puberty. Luckily for them I was very smart and educated myself. By the age of 12, I knew exactly how a women gets pregnant and exactly how a woman's cycles work. I read about natural family planning. Even knowing all that, just the risk of getting pregnant was enough to prevent me from wanting to have even protected sex until after I graduated college just in case the protection failed. If I wasn't willing to be a parent, I wasn't willing to have sex. I'm sure that I'm not the norm. In fact, my parents complete lack of communication is why my youngest brother became a parent at 18. He wasn't ready, but him and his now wife really stepped up and did their best. They're still together now, but even he admits he was an idiot and wished he'd known better at such a young age.
I guess I just really feel that while you seem ok with the idea of her having sex, I don't think I'd 'encourage' it by allowing him over when you're away. My parents would call that 'playing house' and that phrase just seems to ring a bit too true if you're not there as well.

 

[monkee12]

I wouldn't condone it myself but that's just my opinion. I'm 30, married 7 years and I still wouldn't dream of having sex at my parents house.

However only you know your daughter, and although it's a very hard situation, only you can decide what is best. I'm glad to see that you have such an open relationship with your daughter. X

 

[Abigailly]

I was your daughter

When I was 15 I lost my virginity to a guy I had been seeing for 5 months. We carried on together for another almost 4 years. In the end we just grew apart.

However I lost my virginity in my parents house. And before that I'd spoken to my mum about the fact that I wanted to. I was already on the pill for cramps and then my mum went out and bought a pack of condoms and put them in my en suite.It wasn't her 'condoning' my actions. It was her accepting that I was going about it in a manner that I was comfortable with, so how could she argue with that. How do you tell a 15YO they're not ready when she feels so?

I think you've done the right thing. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be leaving a 15YO alone, however only you know your daughter. Each 15YO is very different, if you trust her and you believe that you're not in the wrong by doing so then I am in no place to judge.

One thing I would take issue with, and would be very concerned about is the lack of condoms. If they are mature enough to have sex I would buy a few boxes and sit them BOTH down, together and have a chat about it. I may well have been in a mature relationship when I lost my virginty. However I feel pregnant after sex roughly 5 times, with my now husband, while I was on the Depo jag (supposedly the most reliable female contraception).

It's pot luck. 1 in every 50 on the pill will fall pregnant. Those are fairly high odds. Not to mention the risk of other things. Even in the most mature of adult relationships 'accidents' happen. One slip up from him, just one night out and unprotected sex with someone else and your daughter could end up with a life long, potentially fertility damaging disease. I think, no matter what her age you have a responsibility there. Even now I would expect my mother to have a chat with me about it, if she knew I was having un protected sex. I'd also expect her to send me for and STD check every few months.

As for the sleep overs I would put a limit on 'only 1 school night' etc. I think if you give it free reign it could be potentially damaging to them. At 15 I remember how intense everything felt. I remember feeling so wrapped up in my BF that I could barely breathe. I couldn't focus else where and I lost a lot of touch with friends etc for a long time. I think you need to set limits so they have breathing space from each other.

 

[FAB mama]

Hmm… I am a parent of a toddler and was just glancing through this forum section, but here's my idea:

Have they had any formal sex ed at school? If I remember correctly they had us take tests on the awful disgusting diseases with photos and great detail. That was enough for me. If they haven't gotten it at school, can you go over all of that with them? I'm not saying it'd be easy but maybe it would get them using condoms at least.

I don't agree with what you're doing but since you're already in this situation then I would do what I can to help it. Have them use the right protection and don't GIVE them opportunities. I wouldn't be going away just for them to have time alone.

Borrow some babies and have them do some babysitting alone together too. Really, I'm not joking. Get a few hyperactive toddlers also.

I know that completely forbidding these things can also cause problems so I wouldn't take the extreme route in either direction.

 

[jd83]

My mom raised us this way, giving us this type of "freedom" to be with our boyfriends at home, as she felt it would deter other, less desirable partying, etc. The outcome?

My older sister got pregnant at 17, despite being on BCP, because she wasn't using condoms in addition to the pill, and then struggled so much with the pregnancy and having a baby that she had to drop out of school. She still hasn't managed to finish her GED 13 years later. I know she regrets dropping out of school more than anything, as its really held her back trying to further herself, but she feels like she's stuck in this endless loop now because its been so long that she has forgotten so much of the material to even be able to pass the GED.

Yes, teenagers are going to be teenagers, and she likely would have just had sex elsewhere if not at home. But I think letting them have sex at home makes it happen more often, rather than the teens having to find opportunities somewhere else. the more often it happens, the higher the risk of something going wrong IMO. I waited until I was 17, and in a committed relationship (with my now husband) before having sex, mainly due to seeing what had happened with my sister and wanting to be more careful. But even being more careful, I was still only 17, and we only used Depo, no condoms. I still could have gotten pregnant, too, as its not 100% effective. No birth control is.

I think the best approach is keeping the open relationship with your daughter, talking about any concerns, making sure she is using protection if she's going to continue this, etc, but I don't think allowing it to continue in your home is helping anything. Yes, it may be keeping them away from partying or whatnot, but every time they are given more opportunities to have sex, they are just increasing their odds of a teenage pregnancy. What they choose to do on their own is on them, but its on you to teach her to be smart, to use protection, to make wise choices in choosing a partner, to teach about STDs and pregnancy, and to not make it easier for them to have sex. You can't stop teenagers from doing things like this, but you can certainly let them know that you think its something to not be taken lightly.

 

[cookette]

Everyone is different, but I think back to myself at 15 and this makes me very sad. Like a typical teenager, I thought I had it figured out, thought when a boy said he loved me he meant it and forever meant forever.

I dont agree with how it appears you approve of your child having sex. Especially not of knowingly leaving them alone to play house while you are away for a weekend.

Im going to leave it at that, as I dont think the meat of my opinions would be welcome, but please please please dont treat your child as an adult and encourage her to follow some boy off to college or make any life based decisions of this one relationship at 15 years old. I dont care how mature she is or how great you think he is, they are kids. Encourage her to decide what SHE really wants in life and if it jives with the boyfriend's path, great. But dont let her get into the mindset of making decisions just to keep a man.

Good luck.

 

[lhancock90]

See i keep coming back to this thread and juggling with how id feel but, i met my OH at 16 and 7 years later we are together still, live together, with two kids, are engaged and have only slept together. Sometimes kids do have it all together, some times they dont.

 

[Pearls18]

See i keep coming back to this thread and juggling with how id feel but, i met my OH at 16 and 7 years later we are together still, live together, with two kids, are engaged and have only slept together. Sometimes kids do have it all together, some times they dont.

Same with my DH and I, and as I said earlier my brother who got with his girlfriend 9 years ago at 14 they're getting married this year. Also my best friend and her husband got together at 17 (small town ) I guess we're probably the exception to the rule but it shows you can't colour everyone with the same brush, and that different parenting methods will work for different types of teenagers.

 

[RachA]

It's not just the sex at such a young age that concerns me about this. I know a lot of people don't have an issue with 15yo's having sex but I feel it's too young and in actual fact the fact that they are doing it whilst relying solely on the pill goes to prove that they are too immature. A more mature couple would know that the pill isn't 100% effective and if they didn't want to have a baby then they would use other methods along side the pill. I hate condoms but during periods when I didn't want to become pregnant I used them to make sure we were as effective as possible.
Obviously though OP is ok with the sex so it would just be premiering more effective birth control that I'd be focusing on.

The other thing that I'd actually be concerned about the the fact that the OP said that they were obsessed with each other and just wanted to be together. If my child was 15 and had a bf/gf and they only really ever saw each other I wouldn't be overly happy and would be encouraging them to meet up with other friends either on their own or as a couple. It's not natural to be so focused in each other to the exclusion if other friends. I feel safe in saying that every relationship I've seen that's been as focused as that has ended badly and yet at the time everyone said what great couples they were. Ok I don't know exactly what went on in the relationships but from speaking to a few of them it all started to go downhill when they weren't as focused on each other and wanted to spend time with other friends as they assumed it meant that they no longer loved the other person as much as they did. Intensity doesn't always mean that the relationship is good.
The OP's daughter needs space and time to develop as a person in her own right and not just as part of a couple. I would be actively encouraging my child to be attending a college/university in a different area to their bf/gf so that they could utilise the period away for development.

Iro the staying over without the parents there-that would be a big no from me up until they were 18 and even then if they weren't able to prove themselves trustworthy then I wouldn't do it.
I don't know what insurance companies are like in the US but in the UK you actually need to be very careful and read your small print because certain things aren't covered (usually fire/water damage) if you leave a minor overnight in the house alone.
At 15 we still went in family holidays together and my parents rarely went away on their own except for things like weddings. As my siblings were all older than me there was always an adult present. Until my eldest brother was 18 if my parents had to go away then we stayed at friends or relatives.

 

[Pearls18]

I have to say although I was the one who originally mentioned getting her to use a second form of contraception (although I wasn't having sex at 15) I have always only relied on one form of contraception which was the pill for 5 years from 17 and now the coil, I don't think it is that unusual for people to do so? But I agree at 15 I would be wanting my daughter to be extra safe which is why I did point it out, but I think it's a bit unfair to say it's immature to rely on one form? But I do agree with everything else you say RachA.

 

[Rósa]

I would not like to see my 15 year old daughter having sex , it would make me feel very sad,...

 

[lhancock90]

I've always relied on one form aswell.

 

[Rainbow2103]

A lot of people have got into a "is underage sex acceptable or not" debate which is obviously very controversial and people are going to have massively differing views.

However, I don't think the OP wanted people's opinions on that and more so how much freedom to allow them.

I would say this, if you give her an inch and she takes a mile then reign it in. If she continues to act like a responsible young adult then treat her as such.

15 is an age where you can get VASTLY differing levels of maturity.

It sounds like they are quite intense for so young though - I'd say you need to impress upon her the importance of maintaining a healthy balance life. She needs to balance school, her boyfriend and her friends and I think that's the most important lesson you can teach her.

 

[meli1981]

Def agree with above...while it horrifies me to think of my daughters having sex at 15...whats scarrier is the intensity of their relationship. I think op used the word "obsessive"...i would honestly be more concerned about that...

 

[minties]

I would be totally fine with it myself. I was 15 and my boyfriend was almost 15 when we first had sex. We'd been together for a year, we're very much in love etc etc. We used condoms. I was open with my mum about what was happening.

Mum knew it wasn't a passing relationship and was cool with him staying the night. His parents were fine with it too but for some reason never let me stay there.

We had way more sex during the day than on any of the sleepovers anyway!

We did get engaged but broke up when I had just turned 19 as things didn't work out.

I think it's normal to be totally wrapped up in your significant other during the first year of a relationship. Teenager or not.

The idea that teenagers only have sex in beds at home is laughable. We had sex on the beach, in the park, in his parents garage, swimming pool and spa pool, even once in the toilets at school! Anywhere was fine as long as it was secluded.

 

[leahtaba]

In my group of six best girlfriends in school. The one with the strictest parents slept with the most guys. Just saying!

OP I personally think that trips away are a bit much until she's slightly older and I would also be encouraging the use of condoms, other than that you and your daughter seem to have a lovely relationship and it's refreshing that she is so open and in turn you are so supportive. Some of these replies have been a bit silly.

 

[Missnurse]

Just my opinion but I won't be letting boys stay here when my DD grows up. I had the up most respect for my parents and even now I wouldn't have sex under my parents roof of my OH parents roof. My parents were not overly strict but I occasionally asked permission for a boyfriend to stay over and my dad always said no in the nicest way possible and I always respected that and it felt kind of nice as if my dad was looking out for me, his little girl I suppose.

Strangely I had my strongest relationship with my dad, it was him I went to at 16 when I felt ready to go on the pill (I didn't actually lose my virginity until 17/18) but at the time I thought I should out of being sensible. My dad told my mum and I opted for the implant instead (absolutely brilliant at that young age, I was likely to forget the pill!) I also doubled up with condoms.

Even when I moved back home at 21/22 in a long term relationship he didn't stay over I just felt disrespectful.

I hope to have a very open relationship with my DD and be able to discuss why she should wait till she is 16( or 30 if OH had his way haha) and that she should come to me of she needs BC and try to explain In the nicest way possible why it's a no to boys staying over same goes for DS.

On a side note I wasn't allowed to be left home alone until I was 18! I always had to go on holiday with my parents even when I didn't want to and even at 18 my granny was down every day checking on me haha 😏