spunky84
TTC #4
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2012
- Messages
- 2,636
- Reaction score
- 2
I know this is just fear speaking, but I'm honestly terrified I won't be able to do this, and that I'll be a horrible with mother with having a second child in the mix.
I just started nursing school in September. I quit my job to do this, so we're only on 1 income. Apparently birth control failed, and holy crap bfp January 5th. The only things that gave me the idea that something was up was 1) started crying at lunch out of the blue (not normal) 2) Knew I was supposed to be starting within a few days only to realize that I was supposed to start that day (and my cycles were getting shorter, not longer), and 3) I did a cervical position check as it usually gets very low right before I'm supposed to start and it was up high and closed.
If I hadn't put those things together, I wouldn't have tested as soon as I did. DH freaked out at first, but accepted it and was happy about it within an hour.
Being in nursing school, I'm going to be 9 months pregnant in clinicals. I don't get a maternity leave. Unless I drop out which I'd have to re-enroll a year later (right as I'm supposed to graduation) which is unacceptable (unless absolutely necessary for health reasons) as we can't afford for me to do that. So I give birth, either VBAC or repeat section, and get right back to class and clinicals.
I feel horrible enough as it is because DD is in daycare during the day so I can study and do homework. I only get to really see her Friday evenings and weekends, and next month our time will be even more limited (as my Saturdays will be taken up in clinicals and the rest of my weekend will be doing homework and clinical assignments). My heart's already breaking at the thought of having to do this with our newborn, too (well after 6 weeks - we just have to work it out until then).
Not only do I feel like I'm abandoning DD, I already feel like I'm abandoning this baby. Like he or she isn't going to bond well with me because he/she is in daycare so much or I'm not home.
And what's just really dragging me down is that every time DH and I turn around, something else is wrong. Ever since the start of the year, everything has just been going horribly wrong, one right after another. We took the pregnancy as a positive thing, but then there was so much worry with all the spotting/clots/inconclusive scan. We had several issues with our insurance (you're termed, you're covered, no you're termed, no you're covered). Dealing with the insurance has been one giant headache.
Then there's been illnesses. And DH's job is an absolute nightmare (his aunt's the owner and she's a nightmare). He's been searching for a new job for a very long time without luck. The stress of his job is so bad that he's probably going to have a heart attack by 40 if he doesn't get out of there.
I just feel like we can't catch a break. Classes are getting harder, more stressful. Which I expect. I can handle the difficult classes and even the illnesses and stuff at home, but I just cannot handle it with everything else that's been dumped on us, that keeps getting dumped on us.
I just need a break from it all, and there's just no escaping it. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm scared of what the stress is doing to the baby, and if all this stress and crap just keep piling up, how are we going to do everything once the baby is born?
I'm terrified. I'm terrified I can't hold it together. If I can't hold it together now, how am I going to hold it together when the baby is born? Is this baby not going to bond with me because of my demanding schedule? Are they going to grow up and resent me or hate me even though I'm doing this so that my family can have a better life (besides it being something I've wanted to do for almost 20 years)?
I just started nursing school in September. I quit my job to do this, so we're only on 1 income. Apparently birth control failed, and holy crap bfp January 5th. The only things that gave me the idea that something was up was 1) started crying at lunch out of the blue (not normal) 2) Knew I was supposed to be starting within a few days only to realize that I was supposed to start that day (and my cycles were getting shorter, not longer), and 3) I did a cervical position check as it usually gets very low right before I'm supposed to start and it was up high and closed.
If I hadn't put those things together, I wouldn't have tested as soon as I did. DH freaked out at first, but accepted it and was happy about it within an hour.
Being in nursing school, I'm going to be 9 months pregnant in clinicals. I don't get a maternity leave. Unless I drop out which I'd have to re-enroll a year later (right as I'm supposed to graduation) which is unacceptable (unless absolutely necessary for health reasons) as we can't afford for me to do that. So I give birth, either VBAC or repeat section, and get right back to class and clinicals.
I feel horrible enough as it is because DD is in daycare during the day so I can study and do homework. I only get to really see her Friday evenings and weekends, and next month our time will be even more limited (as my Saturdays will be taken up in clinicals and the rest of my weekend will be doing homework and clinical assignments). My heart's already breaking at the thought of having to do this with our newborn, too (well after 6 weeks - we just have to work it out until then).
Not only do I feel like I'm abandoning DD, I already feel like I'm abandoning this baby. Like he or she isn't going to bond well with me because he/she is in daycare so much or I'm not home.
And what's just really dragging me down is that every time DH and I turn around, something else is wrong. Ever since the start of the year, everything has just been going horribly wrong, one right after another. We took the pregnancy as a positive thing, but then there was so much worry with all the spotting/clots/inconclusive scan. We had several issues with our insurance (you're termed, you're covered, no you're termed, no you're covered). Dealing with the insurance has been one giant headache.
Then there's been illnesses. And DH's job is an absolute nightmare (his aunt's the owner and she's a nightmare). He's been searching for a new job for a very long time without luck. The stress of his job is so bad that he's probably going to have a heart attack by 40 if he doesn't get out of there.
I just feel like we can't catch a break. Classes are getting harder, more stressful. Which I expect. I can handle the difficult classes and even the illnesses and stuff at home, but I just cannot handle it with everything else that's been dumped on us, that keeps getting dumped on us.
I just need a break from it all, and there's just no escaping it. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm scared of what the stress is doing to the baby, and if all this stress and crap just keep piling up, how are we going to do everything once the baby is born?
I'm terrified. I'm terrified I can't hold it together. If I can't hold it together now, how am I going to hold it together when the baby is born? Is this baby not going to bond with me because of my demanding schedule? Are they going to grow up and resent me or hate me even though I'm doing this so that my family can have a better life (besides it being something I've wanted to do for almost 20 years)?