Some uncomfortable questions for anyone who has used donor eggs/embryos

[LadyLovenox]

Hi all!! I am 32 years old. Ttc #2. #1 took four fresh cycles of ivf , two miscarriages and LOTS of heartache, but hes finally here, and just turned one. Now, I feel ready to get pregnant w a second baby, but the thought of ttc gives me anxiety and I can feel my depression returning, at the mere thought. Our "diagnosis" is "borderline dor" my FSH has ranged from 5-10 and my amh has ranged from .9- 1.34 . In my ivf cycles, I made 8, 14, 17, and 15 embryos, which isnt usual for dor, but then again, each cycle only yielded 2-3 high quality blasts...so maybe overall quality was poor? I was also diagnosed with endometritis (different than endometriosis...this is just an infection/inflammation of the lining)...this was diagnosed as "chronic" and was treated with antibiotics before each and every embryo transfer, but it never went away. My re said she didn't think it would be a prob w implantation, so was never concerned. Finally, before my last transfer, she said she just read a study that found that inflammation of the lining absolutely DOES inhibit embryo implantation...so she recommended I go gluten free in a final effort to get rid of inflammation in my body. I went gluten free, and two moths later, my biopsy showed the inflammation was GONE!!! At last!! The very next ivf, 2 of my 3 embies implanted and I had twins growing!! I did lose one at 10 weeks but my beautiful baby boy is sleeping beside me and now, and I am so thankful.

We spent $33,000 out of pocket to get him here, and just cannot afford to shell out that type of money again for #2. Dh thinks maybe now that my inflammation is gone, we can get pregnant on our own. With my fsh and amh though, I'm not very confident. My afc has ranged from 11-22, if that matters. If we adopt a sonor embryo, it will be cheaper than going through ivf all over again.

My questions are:

When did you finally made the decision to go w donor eggs/embies? What made you realize you were ready for that?

If you have any biological children, do you love them differently then the donor embie baby?

I'm afraid I will feel unbonded with the baby because it isnt really "mine". Did you have those same worries?

Do you plan on telling your child that you used a donor?

Any input at all would be helpful

 

[Vonn]

Congrats on your son! I don't blame you for being wary of potential difficulty the second time around. If it would make you and DH feel like you gave it a shot, you could try a couple IUIs before moving on to IVF of some kind.

I am trying to do donor egg IVF, but haven't been able to get to a transfer yet. It was a hard decision, driven by very poor chances (5% with my eggs) combined with the financial burden. I am not sure that we will get more than one chance, if so, certainly not more than two.

I am at peace with our decision and my husband has been extremely supportive. I was able to get to this place of comfort in part from being on this site and meeting women going through this process. To a one, they said they completely feel the babies are "theirs" and wished only they hadn't waited so long to move ahead. I am also comforted by the fact that the baby will have the genetic connection to DH. There's also increasing research out there about how it may not have the birth mother's dna, but that the way the dna is expressed is in a good part determined by the environment of the birth mother. The baby will be mine in so many ways and I have no doubt about that.

https://lehmannhaupt.com/2016/01/06...-assisted-reproductive-technology-donor-eggs/

https://www.medicaldaily.com/infert...rnas-get-passed-her-egg-donation-child-355788

We do plan to tell our child(ren) the truth about their conception, when it is developmentally appropriate. Making a secret out of it only creates an environment of deception and shame. I'm not interested in having any of that stuff in my house. Plus, close family and friends already know as I would have lost my mind if I hadn't confided in people during this incredibly stressful infertility journey (which for me has been combined with/preceded by other stressful health issues).

The "Inconceivable and Beyond" thread here on "Assisted Conception" is full of women using donor eggs/donor embryos. Check it out if you like. GL to you!

 

[ps57002]

DH and I weren't able to have our own due to age, diminished reserve etc. We did try one IVF (failed) with my eggs. It was very difficult to reach the point of agreeing to donor eggs and it took some time. I am now pregnant with this DE IVF cycle and this little bubs growing in me makes me feel all what I can imagine I would have had it been my own DNA. We are already so in love and so there are no regrets. As Vonn stated, we will also tell our little one when developmentally appropriate. No one else will know before the little one does as that's his/her right, in my opinion to know first.

 

[Nolimitxox]

I dont want to read and run, but Im working and want to reply to this thread when I have time. Im sort of in the same boat as you considering donor eggs. Ill reply tonight more indepth!!!

 

[Turtle0630]

LadyLovenox, I'm sorry to hear of your difficult journey so far. I wanted to weigh in a little bit from our experience. We have male factor infertility and were told we have less than a 1% chance on our own. At the time, we decided not to do infertility treatments and instead to adopt. I wasn't interested in IVF and neither was DH, not to mention he's not great with doctors and treatments and with male factor infertility, there would definitely be some on him (to be clear, he was willing to do it, I just knew how hard it would be for him with anxiety). We started the adoption process, and right before we started the home study we learned about embryo adoption. Something about it just "clicked" with us and we started looking into it further.

While looking into it, we discovered a program called California Conceptions through California IVF. Their's is very similar to embryo adoption but not quite the same. The main difference is that what they offer is a shared double donor program. Instead of using "leftover" embryos from another IVF cycle, they use donor eggs and donor sperm to create embryos; each "profile" created with an egg/sperm combination is offered to a few different families, which is why it's a shared double donor program (and helps keep the costs down). Honestly, if I had realized it was essentially IVF before getting started (as far as meds, etc), I might not have gone through with it. But once I realized that, I was already in love with this option and we decided to move forward with it. At least I don't have to do egg retrieval! We've found that this program definitely isn't for everyone, but it's a great program for us and something we feel very comfortable with. The costs help a lot too...it's a flat fee of $12,500 for up to 3 tries, to sustain a pregnancy to 12 weeks. (of course there are additional expenses for some pre-testing, meds, etc) They also have a money-back guarantee if you qualify, which means if you do not sustain a pregnancy to 12 weeks out of those 3 tries, you can either choose to get your money back or go for another 3 tries. This was a feeling of comfort for us.

Anyway, I know our situation is a little bit different than what you're talking about, and honestly a little bit different than the "norm". I've started the meds and my lining check is on the 8th of this month, with my first transfer on the 14th. I'm really hoping this first one will take!

As far as your questions:
-We made the decision to go with adoption first. Finding out about this option was great for us because we were already prepared to not have our child be genetically related to us, and this was a way we could still have some "control" over it and that I could still experience pregnancy.

-We do not already have children of our own. I'm a part of a great support group though and to a tee, every single one of them doing this that already has biological children said there was NO difference at all in their feelings toward their child(ren) conceived by these means.

-I did not have this worry, but it could be because I had kind of already done the "grieving" process when we decided to adopt.

-We absolutely plan on telling our child(ren) about their origin from the get go. Like Vonn stated, we believe not sharing facilitates an environment of shame and deception, and that's not something we want to do. Also like Vonn stated, epigentics is an amazing thing, how the baby's dna isn't the "adopting" mother's but the child actually starts to take on some characteristics of the woman carrying him/her. It's fascinating!

Good luck in your journey and in your decision...I know it's not an easy one to make! I wish you nothing but the best!

 

[Pinkie3]

I hope these responses are helping. I remember too well having similar questions when looking at the DE route. My advice is to research, research and ask questions. As mentioned above the Inconceivable and Beyond thread are all ladies who have used donors, they were a blessing to me when looking for information and advice. I hope my response helps.

When did you finally made the decision to go w donor eggs/embies? What made you realize you were ready for that?
I had 3 OE cycles and knew it was my eggs that were the problem, I have a high FSH and struggled to respond. After 2 cycles, we started discussing DE so I knew it was on the cards, I had to work out for myself if it was the route I wanted to take. DH was wonderful and supported me in whatever I decided. I also had some counselling and she made me realise that my end goal was to be a mother and she said I would make that happen in which ever way I choose, OE, DE, adoption or other means and that kept me focused. After a disastrous 3rd OE cycle I moved onto DE quickly but I had all the information I needed. It took about 6 months for me to accept this route, personally I found it a grieving process, I had to grieve for the biologically children I would never have.

If you have any biological children, do you love them differently then the donor embie baby?
I don't have any biological children so cant personally comment. However I know a few women on here who do and gone on to have donor babies and love them just as much. I think the donor part is a huge deal in the beginning but plays a very small part when they are finally here.

I'm afraid I will feel unbonded with the baby because it isnt really "mine". Did you have those same worries?
This terrified me and I had a lot of tears about this at the beginning but once we started the process and with each stage it got so much easier, then getting to the part of how many eggs they got and how many fertilized and what the grades they were each day felt exactly the same as my own cycles, I was desperate for them to do well. Plus now I am finally pregnant, feeling this little one move and kick about is amazing and I am so in love already, I cant wait for her/him to arrive, the DE part doesn't enter my head anymore, this baby is mine. It also helps me knowing that genetically they are linked to the one person I love more than anything in the world, my DH.

Do you plan on telling your child that you used a donor?
This is a very controversial subject. However I don't believe that anyone should push their views and opinions onto other people because what might be right for them might not be right for another and that goes for everything in life. We are undecided at the moment and for that reason we have not told anyone about the DE part. I don't think its anyones business and if we tell the child at an age appropriate time then it will be up to him/her if they want to share it with the family. If people have supportive and understanding families then good for them but not everyone has that. Everyones life, circumstances and situations are different and you should do what is best for you, your child and your family.

I hope that helps in some way. Whatever route you decide to take will be the right for you. Its only natural to have all these questions. Wishing you the best of luck x

 

[mimi4]

I also dont want to read and run. I want to wish all the best in yr decision making

 

[fififa]

I'm not really going to be much help with this, but I came across posts of ladies who have undergone their ivf with de at overseas clinics, cos of reasonable costs and high- quality treatment. There is more information on ivf de costs on this resource. You would also find some recommendations how and when to talk to children about their origin. I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey x

 

[Regin7]

Hi! Hardly have I ever thought we will face this one day. But no one seems to be ready emotionally for the treatments. Furthermore when you're told your eggs won't do. So you need another woman for the ivf procedure.
I remember that was heartbreak for all my family. This is our story in brief. Me - 40 yo, a teacher working with kids every single day of my life. Watching others growing and developing but not ours.. Started TTC in June 2012 with no luck. After 8 months of trying started doing investigation and got to know about my endo and PCOS. That very year tried 1 round clomid - BFN. 1 fresh ivf with 5-day 2 blasts the following year ended in early miscarriage.
Then devastated we all had to take a long break for emotional recovering. Though continued trying naturally. 2015 - another fresh ivf with OE - failure. DH's results came in healthy. Year 2016 started with waiting for the miracle with Ukrainian clinic where we applied for ivf with donor egg. Previously had our free consultation with the patient coordinator in London through eviternity.org....and so on.
Well every start is a rollercoaster as we don't know what to expect. All these attempts and waiting and trying again.. But one thing is for sure - it's definitely worth doing! And I'm so thankful we could take egg donation route which brought me to life!...
Good luck with your decision and further path X