Stepparenting/blended family woes

[Tristansmom]

Hi guys! This will be a bit of a whirlwind introduction, because otherwise it'd be a novel.

I'm 32, my wife is 40, and she's transgender. She publicly transitioned a couple of years ago. She has 2 kids (13yo girl and 10yo boy) from her previous marriage, I have one (5yo boy), and we are expecting our first together. My son lives with us full-time, but her kids only visit a couple of days a month - if that. Therein lies the problem.

Up until last year, her kids were with us nearly half the time. Starting last year, out of nowhere, her son was suddenly "embarrassed to be seen with her in public," among other things. We have since learned that her ex-wife has been refusing to use the correct pronouns when talking about her to the kids, regularly has conversations in front of them about how being trans is a choice, and a damned selfish one at that, and planting ideas in their heads about how they're being robbed of a proper father-child relationship. It goes on and on. This has obviously completely destroyed our relationship with the kids, my wife is devastated (and unfortunately puts way more blame on the kids than she ought to, and not nearly enough blame on their cow of a mother). The heartbreaking side effect of all of this is that my son has lost his brother and sister.

I don't know what to tell him. He's absolutely heartbroken, confused, devastated, sad, and miserable that they never come over anymore. He idolized my stepdaughter. My stepson was always kind of mean to him (he's actually just not a nice child) but up until the ex-wife poisoned her, my stepdaughter was very sweet. I just don't know how to help my son get over this heartbreak.

Anyone?

 

[wannabemama24]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't understand why people are so hateful and use their children as a means to get back at the other parent. I don't have much experience or advice. I guess maybe I would let your son know that not all people are accepting of things that are different. It could be a teaching moment for him to understand tolerance I suppose and that some people don't have it. It kills me that your wife's ex is poisoning the children's minds about transgendered individuals. It makes me mad for you two!
But, congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[Topanga053]

Hi,

I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. I don't have any advice; I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Also, while I don't condone what your wife's ex is doing, I wonder when and how their relationship ended. She sounds heartbroken, tbh. I'm in a heterosexual marriage and I really can't imagine how I would feel if my husband and I had two kids together and then he transitioned to a woman and married a woman. I think that's a lot to take in. At the same time, I can't imagine what your wife has gone through and since she transitioned late, I wonder if she'd been fighting Her real feelings for awhile. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is I can imagine it is not th easiest path for anyone, including her ex-wife. So again, while I don't condone what she's doing, I can imagine the heartbreak she might be feeling and I feel empathetic for her. Again, we don't have the whole history from your post, but perhaps with some more time things will improve?

 

[Tristansmom]

Topanga - you raise a good point, and if the situation were different I'd probably agree with you. Their marriage ended because the ex asked for a divorce, citing a desire to explore her own non-hetero feelings. That lasted all of a few weeks before she started a series of flings with men.

Further back in their history, my wife was never secretive about her own gender non-conforming identity. Prior to their marriage, the ex expressed support and tolerance (at that time my wife identified as a cross-dresser). Once they were married, though, the ex made it very clear that "that behaviour" was never to happen in her house or in public where any of her friends could see it. My wife lived through over a decade in misery, ruthlessly repressing her identity until the ex informed her that they were getting divorced.

I don't have much use for that woman, to be honest.

 

[Topanga053]

Oh, then yeah, she sounds totally horrid.

 

[FFandJZ]

Wow, Tristansmom - that SUCKS!!!

I work in the child protection area and it upsets me when I hear about parents (mothers, fathers, others) behaving like this around their children because I have seen the damage it can do.

I can understand your wife's feelings as well - I imagine I'd be distraught if my children suddenly decided they didn't want to see me. But it is really important that she doesn't take it out on them, as that'll only end up making it worse in the long run.

My immediate reaction is "can you go on the offensive?". You've got them for a couple of days month, right? So what can you do with that couple of days? Can you have book specifically aimed at kids of the trans* community? Any other similar resources? Are there any support groups in your area that might have informal meet ups/socials that you could all go along to?

Any movies you could have available on the topic of transitioning? That might help the kids understand the process a bit more (Have you heard of 52 Tuesdays? It's a new(isn) Australian film).

Think of it as subtle warfare. Trying to fight fire (her bad mouthing) with fire (your wife getting in on the bad mouthing in reverse) will not work, and will cause terrible damage to her kids.

Are there any legal routes you might be able to take to get more contact (difficult with slightly older kids as they can really "vote with their feet" and not attend contact). I don't know where in the world you're based, but that might be an option worth considering (and given circumstances you might be able to get some pro bono assistance as it's really almost discrimination/harassment by her ex wife).

As for your son..... I feel really so very sorry for him! Could you see if you could organise for him to have some phone contact with the other kids (particularly the daughter if they got on well).

If you're struggling to find any resources I can ask around at work for you - let me know.

Your wife's ex wife sounds like a right a$$..... you want me to come and punch her, you just let me know!

 

[Tristansmom]

Thanks, FFandJZ. I might just take you up on that....

We actually work very hard not to discuss our respective exes in front of the kids, and if the kids bring up the subject we strive for neutrality. My dad used to work in a similar field as you appear to, and he always emphasized the importance of staying neutral.

I'm in Alberta, Canada, by the way.

Thus far my wife has been loath to pursue legal action; she's super non-confrontational about certain things. But we're pretty sure that the kids will want to spend more time with us when they learn that we're expecting and especially after the baby comes, so we're kind of planning for that.

 

[FFandJZ]

If I spot any useful resources I'll let you know. Sing out if you need something faster and I'll make some calls...

I'm a lawyer, so not so much front line child protection, but obviously work closely with those guys and see what happens when it ends up in court!

Being neutral is wonderful, but don't forget that you're both human too!!