The hardest part of parenting

[lowblow1]

Is tantrums.

My daughter is 21m and she is smart and beautiful and hilarious. I am not a parent who believes that 'discussing emotions' works with an angry toddler. We use the simple and effective naughty chair and explanation but lately everything. And I mean everything - reduces her to a tantrum. A screaming thrashing choking tantrum. For example, an hour before dinner she asks for a biscuit. I say no and explain why and this erupted to her screaming in my face. I don't indulge this kind of crap and so I give her a warning that screaming in my face is not okay. She carried on and threw toys, which hit me, so I put her on the naughty chair for 30 seconds. In that time, she got louder and louder and louder and started whacking everything near her. All because she was told no. She got over it the moment she was off the chair but it's breaking me down to hear constant anger and crying and it's reducing me to tears myself. I am also third trimester but I can't do this :'(

Please help.

 

[missk1989]

Im sure its just a phase and it sounds like your handling it really well.

 

[Dragonfly]

Not what I would have done. Would have at least come to a compromise on biscuit after dinner. I dont do punishments. Maybe try some gentle discipline?
https://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/22_alternatives.html

 

[lowblow1]

I did tell her she could have the biscuit after she had dinner. I also said she could have any treat after dinner. Just not before. I didn't put her on the chair til she threw things at me and screamed in my face. I call it the 'calm down chair' when telling her where I'm putting her. I don't 'punish' her she's in te same room just in a quiet time out.

 

[lowblow1]

I also offered apple slices in case she was genuinely hungry. She wasn't she just wanted biscuits.

 

[Dragonfly]

Naughty chair for 30 seconds is punishment. Just saying. I added a link of alternatives in.

 

[missk1989]

I think your being a bit harsh on the OP. I have just looked at that link and it doesnt realy provide an alternative, just gives tips on how to prevent a meltdown or stay calm. She didnt give a harsh punishment, just demonstrated that actions have consequences.

 

[lowblow1]

Dragonfly, putting my daughter on a chair to cool down, about five feet from me where she can't reach things to throw at me, is not a punishment. The link of 'alternatives' are not alternative as OP said. I don't believe in most of that - purely because my child's 'unmet need' was that she was demanding a biscuit and freaked out when I explained it wasn't dinner time yet. I offered water based food just in case she had genuine hunger, and because it wasn't what she wanted she threw a fit. I'm not the type of parent to give into a not yet two year old because I am teaching her patience and that sometimes she cannot have what she demands when she demands it. She gets over it very quickly and said sorry for throwing her toys at me (not for feeling angry as she has no reason to apologise for her emotions) but as an adult, I would sit somewhere quietly to calm down if I was angry and that's exactly what my child did. I don't believe that as punishment

 

[Eleanor ace]

Tantrums are tough! Especially when you're heavily pregnant, tired and hormonal- not a good combination! . I don't have any good advice, just hang in there and eventually they will pass (or at least improve- I very rarely have tantrums nowadays ). We use time outs (similar to the naughty chair, we just use a step) and I find that removing DS from the situation and encouraging him to calm down helps (except when he's hurting his sister unfortunately) but it took a while to get here.

 

[Dragonfly]

ok was only trying to post a link, wasnt being harsh. Never mind. Shall unfollow now. Should not have bothered. :/

 

[leahtaba]

my LO has terrible tantrums as well. Offering her a biscuit after dinner would do nothing to deter her from headbutting things/ biting/ thrashing around. I put her in her travel cot until she calms down because nothing else works. I hate it when people with calmer toddlers try and advise me, and I feel like saying but you really don't understand haha! There's no reasoning with an angry toddler and I can't stand there and let her bite me/ hurt herself. Don't worry just remember it is just a phase and they will grow out of it (eventually)! Just keep doing what you think is best.

 

[lowblow1]

I'm glad it's not just me tbh. Toddlers are like small teenagers - want want want and no concept of not getting lol. Argh such a hard day!x

 

[lindseymw]

It's a phase unfortunately. Jacob was horrendous. He still has his moments now if I have said no to something (usually "No you can't have the bouncy castle out, it's 7pm.")

Be consistant with your method of "punishment," I have a 3 strike rule (unless it's violence), then on the step he goes to calm down.

 

[Natasha2605]

It does get better with time and consistency

 

[Blizzard]

We have issues with 'no' at the moment. I explain when he's calm but at the time I just sit him down an tell him he may move when calmer. No suggestions really. Xx

 

[Noodlebear]

We're struggling with this at the moment and Lucas just doesn't understand when you try to explain things to him. I'm mostly redirecting his attention but he gets a stern 'no!' when he gets violent (which seems to be getting more frequent). I just keep reminding myself it'll get easier when he's able to communicate with me better as for your situation I don't know what else you could've done without giving in to a tantruming toddler - I applaud you for not doing that.

 

[lowblow1]

Thank you for being so supportive. Hearing a day of tantrums is like having my ears cheesegrated

She threw all the toys out earlier and said 'mummy I make a mess. Mummy tidy' I said how about we tidy the toys together. She had a fit because she wanted me to do it not her. That one I laughed at and le it burn out but jeeeeeez xx

 

[SerenityNow]

I also offered apple slices in case she was genuinely hungry. She wasn't she just wanted biscuits.

I wouldn't take that to mean she wasn't hungry. If she is already having a meltdown the window for redirection or offering an alternative had probably closed. She may very well have been hungry but was past the point of being able to recognize that because she was so upset.

TBH using expressions like "not indulge this kind of crap" sounds like you don't really understand what is developmentally appropriate for a 21 month old baby. They are pretty much constantly frustrated by their limitations and they are not capable of understanding why they can't have the things they want.

The best approach is to avoid tantrums as best you can. Did she just ask for a biscuit out of the blue or did she see the package and want one? Does she often want something before dinner? I give my kids vegetables to snack on before I start making dinner-- they eat more veg this way and I can make dinner in peace.

If you are getting caught up in a battle of wills, be the general not the infantry. Strategize. Don't get into the trenches with her.

I'd recommend a book like Happiest Toddler on the Block or Your Two Year Old: Tender or Terrible. It really helps to understand why toddlers (or kids of any age) behave the way they do. The fact is there will always be a worst part of parenting and it keeps changing. There is no form of discipline that will stop normal developmental behavior. You can only control your own reaction. The pregnancy hormones make this a lot more challenging. Is your OH available to take her off your hands for a while everyday? That can make a huge difference.

 

[lilmissdanni]

Well done you for standing your ground. I'm third tri too and it is difficult. You just do what you can to get by. Ds was the same today (he has limited speech so with him tantrums can be bore out of frustration) we had 25 mins of head butting, wall smacking, toy throwing for no apparent reason...he had a drink, some grapes so think it was a paddy for nothing but when he hit me he was packed off under my arm up the stairs and into his cot. I'm not proud of it but it worked.

No book in the world caters for every single toddler. Toddlers aren't subjects to be studied.

 

[lowblow1]

She asked for one out of the blue, I offered a rice cake or apple slices at first (light, not ruin dinner) and she kept repeating no. Biscuit. No apple. Biscuit. She wasn't hungry for her dinner just a sweet - usually she would say 'lunch' etc she's pretty vocal about her meals and they're on a schedule which she understands. She didn't start melting down until I trie distraction, tried offering a healthier alternative and explained that biscuits are for after dinner and not before. She literally blew because I said no to her.

When I say I don't give into this type of crap, I mean that when my gorgeous and strong willed toddler asks for something and doesn't get it, she tantrums. Which is as you say, because she doesn't understand why and rightly she expresses that. However. I have had a day of it. Every single 'hold on a moment' was a huge discomfort to her. Like when I was peeing and she asked me to put on tangled - hold on a moment caused a tantrum because it wasn't RIGHT NOW for her.

As I mentioned, the chair (or today it was a cushion cos her room was occupied) isn't used as a form of punishment for me. We use it as a 'calming down chair' and I call it this and she understands. When she started throwing toys at me and around her while screaming, I warned that she would need to sit in her calm down chair because throwing toys at mummy wasn't nice. She carried on, I got smacked in the head so she was removed from the toys and sat on the cushion. At this point, I sat about five feet away and closed my eyes as she continued to scream. I out loud counted up to 30 slowly, took a breath and just as I explained why she was there, she immediately said sorry, kissed me and wanted to play. She gets it. I get it.

I just am almost 29 weeks pregnant and hormonal and husband is on nights so today was a very very hard day. She may find it hard to understand why she can't have things immediately but even at her tender age I need to teach her patience and that I always say yes, just not always for the second she demands. Yes to a biscuit. AFTER dinner. Yes to tangled. AFTER I pee!
I have another baby coming, and Sophie needs to understand as much as I can teach in the time I have. It doesn't mean I 'punish' for her emotions it means I won't accept toddler terrorism

And I hope none of that comes off as rude. If we were talking face to face I'd say the same to you and you'd get that I am emotional, exhausted and finding it hard. Xx