I think it's time I reach out for some support. It's lovely to see some ladies here that I actually went through my pregnancy with
This is going to be long, but I really need to get it all out.
Kaida was born on October 28th. A very very healthy 8lb 10 oz. From her first baby-led latch we knew something was wrong. Within 4 "feeds" she had mangled my right nipple and wouldn't/couldn't even touch my left as it is flat. Midwives kept trying to push her onto my breast. She would cry. I would cry. It was a mess.
A day and a half into her life I requested to see the LC and immediately asked her if my baby has a tongue tie as I have one and cannot poke my tongue out very far.
She looked into her mouth and basically handed the baby back saying "you can't breastfeed that baby with a tongue tie like that" and left, because "it was no use" trying to attach her. I was devastated beyond words - breastfeeding is something I literally dreamed about during my pregnancy. I knew it wouldn't be an easy journey but I never thought I would be told it would not happen. I spent the next 2 days expressing into a syringe and so begun my expressing journey.
The next day, we were discharged (much to my dismay, my husband was sick in hospital, but that's another story) and immediately went to the doctor they recommended to "deal" with her tongue tie. He looked into her mouth and told me her tongue had been anchored in her mouth during development and she cannot physically use it. She couldn't lift it, poke it out let alone curl it (which as you would all know, is required to BF).
He cut her anterior tie and handed her back, saying things would be fine by the next day.
They weren't.
We consulted an LC at the hospital. Again, she was handed back saying she can't latch. She called other LCs into the room to "check out" this tongue tie as it was the worst she'd ever seen (and yes, it'd already been cut once). Her tongue "doesn't work" and we started doing exercises. Meanwhile, I started pumping and resorted to the bottle as she had a VERY healthy appetite and ate in huge volumes (happily I have the supply currently). Also - he didn't cut the tie properly. She also had a posterior tie meaning she still couldn't poke her tongue out.
We went back to the doctor the following day. He wasn't pleased to see us. I asked the risks of the procedure and we were told "a little bleeding" and he cut the posterior tie. Once he came back in the room he told us "there's nothing else I can do, it's bad - here's a referral" and we've been referred to a surgeon. She can't have general anaesthetic and the full reconstructive surgery until 6 months old.
The following 2 days were hell. Kaida's tongue was swollen. She cried in pain. She puked. She could barely latch to the bottle. I was furious and devastated that I had agreed to get this done to my baby.
Yet we continued. We continued exercises. We continued pumping. We continued to see the LC.
I'm going to cut this short as so much still happened in the last 3 weeks but the overall result is - she is 3 week 2 days and I'm still expressing every 2-3 hours. I thought things would be fine after the first week as this is what everyone indicated. It's not. I cry every single day. I want to run away. I'm so sad all the time.
We feed her using the Medela calma teat hoping it will exercise her tongue and simulate the breast (rather than a bottle "dribbling" it into her mouth). Her tongue has improved immeasurably. She can poke it out and move it around.
Yet she still has trouble latching. She doesn't cry so much anymore but she tries to latch, sucks a couple of times and passes out. Or pushes my nipple out. Or simply doesn't latch properly and I can pull out my nipple. But the bottle - OMG does this child eat?!!? 100-150mL per feed. Thankfully I can keep up. She's gained LOTS of weight and is in the 97th percentile for weight and length. So no issues there.
I'm here reaching out for help because I'm at the end of my tether and I've had some awful thoughts. I want to give up so badly but I want to BF more than anything.
I need hope. Can I get her onto the breast? Are there others out there in a similar boat? I am sick of being alone. I am so sick of being in limbo - am I a breastfeeding mother? No. Am I a bottle-feeding mother? Well, yes, but most people interpret that as formula feeding. So I fit no where. I have to explain my life story to everyone who asks (only where it matters e.g. nurses etc.). I get looks when we're out and whip out the bottle. And this pump - I calculated yesterday I have been pumping for over 26 straight hours since I started. I've pumped over 26L of milk. I just want my baby girl on my breast. I hate this f*ing pump. It makes me angry and depressed every time I have to hook myself up like a cow. I am on a worse schedule than BF'ing because pumping isn't as efficient as the baby sucking and thus if I don't pump enough I'll lose my supply and then I've failed at everything.
Help me. Please. I'm struggling to go on. And not just with pumping...
DH thinks I am crazy to keep pumping, but I just want the best for him! I am considering starting formula in December when he is 3 months old (and I have a week off of work to allow my milk to dry up). How long has everyone else been able to pump exclusively?
