The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[SoCal Mom]

I'm really sorry to read your story- it's so easy to be hard on ourselves when things don't work out the way we imagined them. Or when others cannot understand why it's so hard for you to do something that others find so easy.

I started feeling like a failure with my first daughter (now 2) before she was even born! I was diagnosed with IUGR (inter-uterine growth restriction), which went that she wasn't growing properly in me. I couldn't help but have feelings of failure since I couldn't even feed my baby properly during gestation. Since she was in distress, she then had to be born via c-section at 32 weeks weighing only 2lbs 1oz. Obviously, I couldn't breastfeed- she was too weak to attempt it and had to be fed through a tube. I pumped a lot.

When she came home from the hospital 6 weeks later, I tried to breastfeed, but without success. I saw a lactation consultant, used the various contraptions that would supposedly help her feed, but all to no avail. So I continued to pump, since at least I had a good supply (until it dried up at 7 months and I switched to formula). I felt frustrated by the whole experience, but refused to be hard on myself, since I was TRYING.

What I took away from it was that I needed to focus on the things I could do and not focus on those that I couldn't do. I realized it just wasn't useful to be hard on myself- it did nothing to help my daughter (this attitude helped when my daughter than needed surgery on her skull the next year due to craniosynotosis).

So now my first daughter is 2 and my second is almost 4 months old. The second has been able to breastfeed from the start (after a pretty typical pregnancy, just having to take blood-thinners everyday to avoid IUGR), which just makes me appreciate being able to do so much more. But I don't feel like I am "bonding" with her any more than I had with my first daughter.

Two of my friends who also had major problems BFing their first babies just had their second babies (both almost 1 month) and are both able to BF so far. They are also relieved that things are going smoothly, but would not beat themselves up if it wouldn't have worked out this time either. As long as the both the mom and the baby are happy, then they are doing what is best.

You are trying your hardest, so please stop thinking about being a failure!

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

 

[vintage67]

There is "nowhere to go" when you're a formula feeder. That's exactly how it feels. You can't even buy your formula in peace without a "breastfeeding is best" message written across it. What that is supposed to do other than make the person buying it feel like donkey poo, I have NO IDEA. If you're buying formula, it's likely a "done deal."

My experience left me so traumatized 7 years ago that I actually considered ending my life. Much of that depression was fueled by the internet. It was awful. The statement that pushed me over the edge wasn't even when I was told my child would likely get cancer from drinking formula. It was when a woman posted a "study" that said that women who make more of the hormone needed to make breastmilk are innately "better mothers." I can hardly type it to this day.

My drama started from having GD and having my son's blood sugars drop to 18 after birth. (a 15 will send a baby into a coma). He ended up needed glucose and formula to stabilize over a period of days of crashing into the 20's repeatedly. I had only tiny amounts of colostrum and he was too weak and shakey to latch. I took him home and pumped, and held him, and waited for milk. By day 7, there was a trickle. The next 6-8 weeks were hellish; three lactation consultants, hospital grade pump, pumping until the skin peeled on my aereolas, fenugreek, blessed thistle, oatmeal... Then the colic came. Crying jags that lasted for hours.

Women online said formula caused colic. Formula caused all my son's problems according to them. According to them, gestational diabetes is a "myth" designed to lead to c-sections and formulas. I was dumb and my doctor should lose his license. I was lazy and stupid also, in addition to lacking the hormones to be a truly good mother. Most of them admitted to the fact that they could never be friends with a "bottle feeder." (this was not baby n bump, by the way!)

I became too ashamed to leave the house. On the rare occasion when I did, I bottle fed in the bathroom.

I envisioned packing up my son and all his belongings and giving him to woman who was already breastfeedig another baby, to save him from a life with me. I knew if I gave him away, I couldn't live and wouldn't want to, but how could l keep a son that I was exposing to a life of illness and cancer?
That is when I contemplated taking my own life.

I sought therapy, and found out that a lot of women have to get therapy over breastfeeding grief. I refused pills, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.

I found out that my diabetes, thyroid condition and PCOS all contributed to poor supply. I found out from older ladies, in their 60's and 70's, that it wasn't a magical world where breastfeeding always worked before "evil" formula, like a serpent with an apple, spoiled paradise. Supply problems were and are real, and not always the result of lack of "support" or lack of knowledge.

When we began trying for another baby, (a four year journey with three miscarriages), it would occur to me in the back of my mind if the same thing would happen again. My husband did not want me to even attempt BF again, in light of what happened. Neither did my mother. Both of them had been suportive the first time but scared out of their minds after seeing me deteriorate into someone who cried all day and sat staring into space.

So, here I went this time with my hospital pump in place and looking forward to everything being different this time! Well, this baby's blood sugars were better, but still dropped. His latch was somewhat better, but not good. Lactation consultants and a social worker came to see me in the hospital. The old feelings started to come back. By day four in the hospital my son had lost over a pound and they weren't going to let him come home. I talked them into releasing us reluctantly.

After getting home, I didn't have as much luck as I had hoped and something was terribly wrong. I had very bad chills and fevers. By the time I had been home four days, I was sicker than ever. My fever soared to 103.4. I had to go to the hospital, where I was admitted. I spent 11 days in the hospital with what turned out to be an internal staph infection. Eleven days seperated from my baby, extremely ill, in bed, on 4 different IV antibiotics. I also had 3 CT scans. I managed to pump some in the hospital and was advised to dump it. No wonder. What little milk I pumped was a flourescent green, likely from the CT scans and the MRI. I had dye injected several times and various other pills. I couldn't keep up a decent pumping schedule in the hospital as I was so sick with fevers and chills.

I was finally released with a drainage bag attached to me and I had a home health visitor for the next five days. I was too weak to get out of bed much.
My husband and mother had been taking care of the baby while I was in the hospital and feeding him formula. Once again, I started trying to pump and get him to latch.

I went back on my heart medication which I had not taken during this pregnancy or my last. I had to start taking it again around Christmas. It does pass into breastmilk.

Right around Christmas, I tried to come to terms with the fact that once again, through not fault of my own really, it just wasn't meant to be. I have cried and been angry, but can't truly come to acceptance with it. I know that once again, my "baby days" will be isolated and lonely, as I won't be accepted into very many playgroups or baby groups. Breastfeeding is chic and in style here, even more so than with my first son.

I really should avoid the internet, but I am lonely sometimes. And as I said, there really is no place for a formula feeder. Not even on forums set aside for formula feeding. Every formula feeding mom is compelled to defend herself and very often has her story ridiculed or disbelieved.

Here is the truth about "99% of women can breastfeed." Only about 1% of women, or a bit more, cannot produce even one drop of breastmilk. That is truly rare. That is what the 99% refers to; not 99% of women can be totally successful and overcome supply issues.

I won't type anymore, but could write a book.

 

[goddess25]

I know EXACTLY how you feel

I gave birth too my first child in Feb 2009, I was a bit ambivalent about BF while pregnant and was not sure if I would do it or not. No one I have ever known BF, no family members BF and too be honest I do not like my nipples being touched at all. So i decided to buy no feeding equipment give it a go at least and see what happens. Fast forward to after birth literally a few minutes... my son wriggles up from my tummy to breast and latches on perfectly well with no issues.

I was discharged from the hospital and for the first week we BF ok.. great latching and I was so in love with him and in love with the whole BF process and knew this is what I wanted to do so badly. After a week the MWs were starting to get worried about LO weight gain. It was starting to dip down below his birth weight. Move onto week 2 his weight starts to dip down some more and they tell me that I will have to start formula or he needs a referral to a pediatrician. He feeds every 30m-2 hours variable on demand. I am so concerned for my baby so I try some formula... he seems starved and drinks the lots down. I do combi feeding and after a few days I am 60% FF and 40% BF his weight starts to increase. After a few more days I start to notice that the milk that I did have is starting to go away... I start to pump every hours, i eat oatmeal, i take fenugreek and (other one I cant remember), i take domperidone a huge dose every 6 hours. I seek help and advice from Dr Jack Newman who tells me that he thinks I have insufficient glandular tissue from severe PCOS diagnosed as a teen and he thinks that nothing I will do will help. He is right and a few weeks later my milk is gone.

I spent the best part of his first year riddled with guilt that I could not perform this basic motherly function... who else cannot feed their own child. I cried and cried too many tears. I let other mothers intimidate me and make me feel worse.. I went to moms groups and when I pulled formula out for baby I got those looks and I also had a few comments.. I felt so low about it that it was awful and even now I am not fully over it.

I had another baby in Feb 2011, and my only aim was to be able to BF effectively. I wanted it so badly. Again I lucked out with a girl who could latch straight away and I fed her on demand. It went well at first. For the first 12 weeks she put on weight just great and I was so incredibly happy then it happened... my worst fear she stopped gaining weight. I knew it was my milk so I tried to supplement with formula she would not take it. I BF her for 8 months before she finally accepted formula. Everyone was very concerned about her and our pediatrician started testing her for cystic fibrosis and a bunch of other things.. but I knew it was my milk. I went to a BF clinic... they did a bunch of tests and basically I was only producing around 2oz of milk every 3 hours and I just could not meet her increasing demands. Finally at 8 months she started to accept formula and she has flourished since then putting on roughly a 1lb a month and she is now average weight for her age rather than severely underweight. The docs would not give me any meds this time because they wont work.. I have under supply due to PCOS and no matter what happens I simply cannot work properly. Around a week after I started formula I only had enough milk for 1 feed per day and I wish now that I had kept doing it but I decided for my mental health I just needed to quit.

Even though I know where my problem is... I am still hurt and even writing this I am very very close to crying. I miss my baby suckling from me and the feeling of providing for my child.

I am planning on a 3rd child and I know it will be the same. My husband thinks that I should just FF from D1 because he knows what an emotional journey it is for me but if I can at least give her the first 12 weeks I will know that I have done something.

We are wonderful mothers and I am so glad that you have created this thread, because too be honest I hate it when some of the BF mothers who have no problems flippantly don't believe that there are true supply issues (obviously not all). It equally upsets me when women decide to just FF when they could probably BF fine when I can't. We let other people get to us so much.

I am glad to have found someone who has experienced so much turmoil. My son is almost 3 and I still feel guilty... and I feel guilty that I BF his sibling till 8 months and I could have tried longer with him. I feel bad that I don't work properly. I feel bad that we are made to feel bad by other moms, and I feel bad that we feel that we should be punished because we could not BF our babies.

If you ever need to talk some more pop over to my journal or PM me. I know how you feel.

 

[BabyBoo36]

Hugs Mrs Pop.

My story is a little similar, but no-where near as traumatic as yours. My Mum had a total irrational fear of BF which she partially passed onto me. I always said "No way", I wasn't doing it. When I fell pregnant, after much soul searching, I decided I'd try. Decision made, and TBH, I got really enthusiastic about it. Freya was born by elective section after my induction failed, and was put straight on the breast. It became obvious fairly early that she couldn't latch properly. No-one looked in her mouth, despite DH asking if she had a tongue tie as he had one at birth. We just kept being told "It doesn't matter if she doesn't get much for the first few days." Freya fed like a shark. She would literally dive at the breast, but then pull of screaming. After a few sleepless nights, I gave in and gave her some formula while the lovely nurse on duty rushed off to get me a pump. I pumped off 5oz in 1 sitting.

We were discharged with a BF buddy who visited us at home.(very lucky to have them in our area!). I was expressing and still trying to latch her. She took one look at Freya and said "She has a tongue tie". By this time, I was dreading feeding - she would just scream and pull off, dive for me again, and scream.....it was a never ending cycle and I was beginning to doubt I could do it. Her tongue tie was sorted 2 weeks later (I was bottle feeding expressed milk by this stage as she still wouldn't latch) and we tried again. Same process - she would dive, scream, pull off, dive, scream, pull off.....by the end both of us were sobbing. I made the decision to express and bottle feed.

I did this for 7 weeks before it just got too much. My supply was dwindling, I had macerated 1 nipple with the pump, a blocked duct in the same breast, and as Freya's appetite was growing, I was barely getting enough for 2 feeds. I told DH and my BF buddy I wanted to stop. The initial guilt was over-whelming. Freya has spina bifida, and I was constantly being told my expressed milk would help her bowels. It took me a while to accept that if she has bowel issues, it isn't because I couldn't feed her (and that's on top of my guilt that I somehow "caused" her SB).

TBH, if we ever have any more, I'm not sure I would try again. Freya is thriving, and we're happy. Her neurosurgeon described her at 5 months as "the brightest 5 month old he'd ever treated" (she doesn't have hydro). She hasn't inherited her father's asthma, or my psoriasis, despite being told she would if I put her on "dried up cows substitute." FF wasn't the "easy" option people think though - we had to go through several changes of milk before finding what suits her, and DH doesn't do any feeds anyway!

I'm now at peace with my decision, but I rarely go onto the BF or FF forums, never go onto posts about either on babyclub, and still feel a little jealous that my friend was able to BF totally effortlessly as a first time mum xx

 

[fifi-folle]

Hugs, my son would not latch for the first 10 days and I gave in and put him on formula just so we could leave hospital, however I was extremely lucky and had a great community m/w who helped me immensely and got ds on boob with nipple shield. We continued to have problems for months though with poor weight gain etc, turns out the tt the m/w in post natal ward had deemed not bad enough to cause feeding problems was making it really difficult for him to get milk. I still get angry that our first 3 months were hell because they didn't have a clue about posterior tt.
like you I am hoping our next experience will be better both in the birth and feeding

 

[Eala]

My heart aches for every single person who has felt like a "failure" because of not breastfeeding. I include myself in that group, because I didn't breastfeed Roo. There is a thread on here somewhere (I think it's in the "Groups" section) which is about support through breastfeeding grief - and it *is* grief. For a lot of Mums, breastfeeding is planned. It's the way to go. It's drummed into us, over and over, when we are pregnant, that it's "best". The problem is, the Govt. spends all this money on "Breast is best" propaganda (and it is propaganda), rather than providing real, consistent post-natal support across all geographical areas. One-size-fits-all medicine is easy to push on people before they have the reality of a hungry baby who won't latch...

Sorry, I digress. In that thread I mentioned previously, someone posted a link to a wonderful blog by an amazing woman called The Fearless Formula Feeder. She did a blog piece on guilt. When I read it, it was as though someone had flicked a switch in me - proper epiphany moment. So I'm reposting it now, in the hopes that it may help someone else. I'm also very proud to say that my story has featured on the same blog, and I've posted that as a second link

Fearless Formula Feeder - On Letting Go of Guilt

My story

Massive, huge hugs to all. Remember - a mother's love comes from her heart, not her breasts. You are all wonderful Mummies, no matter whether your baby is breastfed, formula-fed, given expressed breast milk in a bottle, donor milk, combi-fed, you name it. You're *all* amazing and you are all doing a great job

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Just because I'm pro-bf doesn't mean I look down on ffers in any way, shape, or form. I'm happy babies get fed! I've seen so many abused children who don't get fed.

Don't feel guilty. Please please please! You love your child so so much and that more than some children in this world get.

 

[bananabump]

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/

xxxxxx

 

[Kage76]

oh god ms pop you and i have so much in common.

Before i gave birth I was determined to breastfeed, i read i googled i talked to freinds. I knew that if i was to breastfeed that I would have issues and that pain at the begining would go hand in hand with the determination to breast feed- I was ready for the cracked nipples the mastitis, the cluster feeds.

I read and I you tubed every single breastfeeding video i could find. I looked up latching and flat nipples and the football hold. I had the breast pump ordered and i was so ready to breastfeed. I was so determined to be one of the few that had issues and got through.

Then she arrived perfect but a month early. I wasn't ready- neither was she. She has low blood sugar and suspected infection and had real difficulty maintaining her temperature. My lovely bonding time i fantasised about where she sat on my chest and found my nipple was in reality reduced down to 15 minutes while a MW tried to jam my gigantic nipple into a tiny little rosebud mouth. So much so that she actually brusied my breast blue.

I then spent the next hour looking at her from my bed. two metres away- It could have been in the next room. She was having too much difficulty maintaining her temperature and her blood sugar so the decision was made to send her to special care. So the rooming in I had was with 3 other women with babies while i sat in my cubicle baby-less.

I could of course go see sophie, but she was in an isolette. I tried to breastfeed- when i could but because she was prem she was sleepy and not super interested. She did latch a couple of times but im not sure if i was doing it right. all the nurses were looking after the other babies.

the mw then came in and started to help me express by hand... i have never felt so exposed in my life- how odd is it to have another woman- a complete stranger- come in and play with your breast- but if thats what I needed to do to make sure my daughter had a good start in life than my embarrassment was a small price to pay-

Sophie then started to get jandice. Everytime i went in there there were more lights.. they were only feeding her what i was expressing which was nothing- she was already such a hungry baby- i made the decision to feed her via teat not tube and give her a dummy- what was I to do? i couldn't be there to comfort her- the least I could do was allow her some comfort of the dummy.

I tried again to latch her - but because she couldn't be out of the isolet for more than 20 minutes- i would get her latched and then in no time she would have to be taken off me and put back in the isolette.

All i could do is look at my baby girl and cry because i couldn't comfort her, I couldn't feed her and I couldn't hold her.

I decided that because she needed further care there was no point in me not sleeping in hospital, it would be better for the both of us if i went home and got sleep, i was sent home with instructions on how to hand express colustrum, a bunch of phone numbers and pamplets on support groups for breast feeding. Still at this point I was super determined to BF. Nothing was going to stop me. This was a blip, a speedhump, I would breastfeed, we would be happy, i would have that lovely bonding experience i heard about and saw on every bloody breastfeeding poster.

I managed to express 3ml of colustrum into a syringe- I was exhausted- running on 2 hours of sleep and it was 1am- knowing that the one thing my girl needed was sustenance i drove back into the hospital to drop off what i had. Two lovely MW were on and they allowed me to spend as much time as I wanted trying to feed her- we did really well. It was just lovely- it was what i dreamed of, she latched she drank and after we finished she settled back into the isolette calm, satisfied and happy. I was just so pleased. There was hope- Thank god for those two women, who let a strung out mother do what she wanted to with her daugther- because that was the only positive BF experience i really had.

I got my pump, started the EBM, everyone was very supportive, i was only expressing 10mls at a time but everyone was happy and kept on saying thats good for a couple of days in- wait till your milks in- the next day it will double and you will be well on your way. I was STILL so very positive about breastfeeding. Yes sir ree i was going to be one of those women who would be a breastfeededer.

Sophie started to improve, so she was sent to another non critical hospital and on the way her IV got damaged. So rather than put her through the trauma of putting another line in the decision was made to stop the IV glucose and start her on formula- I didn't care - this was a blip- i would get her on breastmilk soon enough- no need to worry- meanwhile i was madly pumping but the problem was my milk really didn't come in. I was waiting for engorgement- the feeling of having footballs on my chest- but really i had nothing- a little tenderness- nothing at all like i had in first tri- and my supply didn't really go up- 20-30mls was all i could express- i tried to get into the hospital for her feeds. Two weeks of madly rushing to the hospital, Breastfeeding, expressing and then coming home to repeat the cycle again later that day. My whole life was running to the hospital and being attached to a pump- thats it.

My supply never really increased. Finally she came home- I had a tin of formula, a positive outlook and my baby girl in my arms. The next day a nurse from the hospital came to check on sophie- she was lovely- full of support and plans to get sophie on to the breast- as I wept over my pitiful supply, she was so confident that I could be a breastfeeder that I was still hopeful that I could make it work. So sophie and I started a pattern - I would breast feed, she would bellow because she was hungry and i didn't really have a letdown response as such (not that i could feel) i would then feed her my ebm topped up with formula and then i would spend the next 30 mins attached to the pump.

The next day a different nurse arrived. An old battle axe. I was open and expressed my desire to breastfeed and told her of my supply issues and that i was only getting 20-30mls in total every session- she looked at me with a look of shock and scorn and said oh my god thats terrible. At that moment, i felt my hopes and dreams of breastfeeding shatter and fall at my feet. I knew at that point I could not put myself through this anymore- She demanded i go see my doctor to get pills to help my supply but i was so down and defeated that i knew that it was just a matter of time before i cut out the BM completly. I got the pills, i prayed that my supply would miraculously go from a drought to a land of plenty - but all I got was another 10 mls.

I kept at it for a total of 6 weeks. I was tearing myself up, Sophie was doing fine on the formula, I was not ok on the breast. I made the heartbreaking decision to stop, it was far more important for Sophie to have a happy mum than any bloody antibodies in my milk.

The decision was hard at first- i would still cry at the drop of a hat at my failure, but the more she grew and thrived on formula the happier we both were. I envy those women who managed to get through the tough times , but Im happy where i am, it may not be the best choice but im so Ok with her being fed this way

For those women like me- who couldn't manage it - be kind to yourself- no antibodies are worth the cost to your health and bond with your baby. If you cant do it, its totally ok you did your best and that is good enough- I promise.

 

[Courtcourt]

I feel enormous guilt as well. I keep reliving that fateful day where I believe I messed it all up. I had major trouble getting a latch, even with the LC (my MIL is one by profession!) with me all the way! Finally this over bearing nurse told me if I didnt let them give her a bottle in NICU that she was going to be so dehydrated that it would do her harm. I gave in.

Never, even with 2 week in home LC was I ever able to get a latch again. We kept trying for weeks as I pumped, but she never could figure it out. I do feel a huge amount of guilt especially since my own mother in law teaches breast feeding to other women and I even feed my own dogs raw food. My baby on the other hand, I felt would be getting second best.

I will say finally accepting that she would need formula took a huge weight off of my shoulders, I was able to stop resenting my baby and enjoy her. My PND lifted very shortly thereafter.

My little one is beautiful, healthy, smart and thriving, even on formula. Even so, I will always feel like I let her down! I do need a lot of hugs!

 

[MummyinJune]

Thanks for this, i realised and i too am so upset about not BF, it gets to me sooo much!
My story: I was always usure weather to BF or FF, i really wanted to BF but everyone around me was saying no that FF is so much easyer bla bla bla, i had no support, MW did not even give much support, neither did HV.
One of the main reasons i was unsure was that i get bad exzema on my aerolas and everyone told me it would be 2 painful etc, so i decided to give at least the first feed after birth and see how i feel.
I ended up with a EMSEC and no MW spoke 2 me or asked how i was planning on feeding. When i came round and met my son (not until afternoon they would let me see him - he was also in neonatal straight after birth) They just started him on bottles They already put him in a routine of 40ml every 3 hours. When i got him upstairs in hosp with me i secretly BF him a few times, i asked for help but was only told 'thats it ur doing it' i didnt feel confident as he started screaming for more, and as i had no support or info given to me before that i was not aware this was normal. I tried again when i got home, once again he was suckling so much i thought he wasnt getting nothing, when i told HV she didnt even tell me it was normal. i gave up soon after, oh and parents telling me i didnt have enough milk etc.
A few weeks later i tried to relactate but again everyone told me i was being stupid and with all the hard work i soon gave up.
It kills me its bad to say but its wha ti look forward 2 most about having another baby is trying to BF, i think oh realises now how much it meant to me.

It hurts when everyone goes on about how BF is best, and the adverts that also state this loud and clear. makes me feel like a shite mum!

 

[Saphira]

You're definitely not alone! As I read your post I kept thinking I could have written a lot of it because I had very similar experiences and just recently "gave up" on breastfeeding/pumping altogether.
I'm also working my way through the sadness and guilt as I truly wanted to breastfeed. I spent 3 days in the hospital and got minimal help during my time there. My nipples were too inward for my daughter to latch correctly so I was given nipple shields, which kept falling off, frustrating my daughter and me more. Every time she was hungry I went into the breastfeeding room and tried to feed her. I remember some of the sessions went well over an hour and it was exhausting for both of us.
The first 2 days she was soothed after being "fed" but by day 3 she was very hungry and not at all happy after I'd tried to feed her. The lady sharing a room with me suggested I give her some formula as she's probably starving and after giving it some thought I decided that was the best way to go as I'd rather have a full, calm baby than a starving, frantic one. I hated seeing her screaming and knew it'd be selfish of me if I'd decided to keep trying breast only. So she got her first bottle and was very satisfied. For the feedings after I continued to try to breastfeed first, which led to a screaming baby, shaking her head left to right, red as can be.. I was absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained. Another bottle she got.. then we came home and I was so thankful I'd decided to get a couple bottles before she was born for the "in case it doesn't work" scenario. I remember that night the milk came in and my breasts were HUGE!! Huge is even an understatement but that's another matter. Well, they were so full I had no nipples whatsoever. They were just round as could be and my daughter had no chance in the world to latch at that state.
The midwife visited us the next day and was shocked when she saw my breasts. She told me I need to massage them and try to get some milk out or else it could lead to problems. Problem was I was in excruciating pain. I remember telling my husband I'd like to take an ax and chop them off they hurt so badly. So you can imagine, taking all this into consideration how virtually impossible breastfeeding became for us.
When I tried a recommended lying position from the midwife I was crying as my daughter latched for a couple minutes. I was in so much pain but I waited until she was no longer latched in hopes she'd get some milk. Once she was off it was another dramatic scene of screaming as I couldn't get her latched again so my husband made a bottle and we decided then and there it was enough. I ordered a Medela Swing pump and had success in the first couple of days. Problem was I had no time to pump as much needed to increase the supply. Every 2-3hrs., 45 mins. a session my midwife said. I mean, how am I supposed to find that kind of time with a newborn?! When I pumped both of my hands weren't free and I had to lean over in an awkward position to best get the milk out. I managed twice a day maximum of pumping and on good days maybe got 80ml maximum out, which was enough for one feeding. On top of it all I was barely eating anything because I was so busy taking care of my daughter and trying to sleep and get some basic housework done so I began to wonder how rich my milk even was and if it was all even worth it.
Well, I stopped pumping altogether two days ago and the pump's up for auction on ebay. I'm very much looking forward to getting it out of the apartment so I can close this chapter once and for all. I'm so sad about this "failure", well, what I feel to be failure on my part. My husband and mom told me, look at her, she's healthy and growing, you tried it and it didn't work, you're doing the best you can! I know that's all right but it still will take time to completely get over. I just had such high expectations during the pregnancy and knew it wouldn't necessarily be easy to breastfeed but never could have imagined it being that difficult. No mother wants to see her baby in so much distress and frustration when he or she is so hungry. For some it works out well and I'm happy for them! For others it unfortunately doesn't and we must resort to formula. It's not the end of the world though - both my husband and I were formula fed and we're healthy.
So I'm trying to keep my chin up about it and walk forward. Lingering in the past won't bring anything positive our way. Just know you're most certainly not alone. Give yourself time to heal and talk to those you trust about the pain you feel. Just remember it does no good for you or your daughter to be so sad. She's getting formula, yes, but she's a full, satisfied baby and that's what matters most. Sending big hugs your way.

 

[Feathers]

I know exactly how you feel. I hate that I feel like that as well, that people can make me feel so crap for something that really wasn't a choice.

When my LO was born she was poorly with breathing issues and was taken away to the SCBU. I didn't hold her for 3 days and then only for about a minute. During this time i pumped every 2 hours so she could have my expressed milk. She was fed with a NGT.

When she was well enough we started to try and breastfeed. It was some of the hardest times for me in the middle of the ward with a screen around me and my poorly baby hooked up to various things who was screaming her head off as various nurses and experts tried to get her onto the breast. She just couldn't drink and after a few days of this I felt terrible. The only times I held her was when someone was trying to force her onto the breast and she was screaming her little head off.

After investigation it turned out she has a floppy larynx that was making her have issues with breathing whilst feeding. We also found out her throat was burnt with terrible reflux. To conquer her feeding aversion we had to use sugar syrup and bottle feed with thickener in to try and keeping food down. She never one managed to latch on despite beat efforts, and if she had we would have still had to bottle feed with the prescription thickener.

I was very upset because I had bought in to the breastfeeding no matter what syndrome. My Mum told me I had quit on my daughter and was letting her down (despite this decision being made for medical reasons). Everyone else I know BFs and I feel they look down on her when I feed her with a bottle. Just the other day one of them said on FB I'd never formula feed my baby. She isn't a cow so why would you give her cows milk? Not aimed at me, but yeah it hurt that I AM FF my baby and no she isn't a cow. People are just thoughtless sometimes.

For the record I now believe there is nothing wrong with FF a baby. LO is doing well on it, but I hate bein judged as if I am making the 'easy' choice or I just didn't tough it out. Not everyone had that choice.

 

[ChocolateKate]

Just wanted to send you a huge hug. I could have written this myself and have felt all of the same emotions. My daughter was severely tongue tied and wouldn't latch so I started exclusively pumping. To cut a long story short, in week 4 I was hospitalised with a breast abscess and told to stop expressing straight away as I was on the verge of septicaemia (I couldn't even get my nipple in the pump). Despite this I haven't ever really forgiven myself for not being able to breast feed my daughter and it didn't help that my family wanted me to go against the surgeon's advice and to keep going from one breast alone.

I felt very alone and couldn't find many real-life stories of women with abscesses. I have lost half of the milk ducts in one breast and know that if I ever have any more children, I can't even risk breast feeding due to the risk of reinfection. This makes me even more sad. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story and I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you're not alone. X

 

[queenlavera]

I feel the guilt also, and it is hard riding the middle road as well, I am working on bf but I express and supplement with formula. My boy falls asleep a few minutes into bf and then gets so frustrated sometimes he can not latch. By the time he is screaming his head off and thrashing I just give him a bottle of EBM or formula if I am out of EBM. I asked for help on the bf board and all they said is stop giving formula and keep offering breast but if he isn't taking it, I just let my baby cry and scream?? So I am still working on what works for us.

 

[sequeena]

Thank you thank you thank you for this thread. I am glad I am not alone in how I feel. Everyone has told me as long as baby is fed it doesn't matter - but it does. My OH especially does not understand how I feel.

I wanted so much to BF. Some of you may know that I had a truly awful pregnancy but gave birth to an amazingly healthy baby boy. His first feed he was like a pro. Latched on for 40 minutes. After that it got harder. I spent time in our local birthing centre getting BF support. I was woken every 3 hours, had my boobs manhandled, pumped etc. in the end Thomas would need formula or he would get nothing, not even colostrum. The midwives expressed their concern about me not being able to BF but I was determined to. I'd managed to keep my son in the womb until 40+3 I wasn't going to fail at something so natural.

The next 2 weeks were a blur. I remember there being a lot of tears from me and Thomas. He would latch for a few seconds, unlatch and scream. This went on for 45-1 hour before I gave in and allowed my OH to feed him.

When Thomas was weeks old he was hospitalised. We thought he'd been exposed to chicken pox. Doctors warned us that it could possibly be meningtitis. In the end we found out it was a bacterial infection that had turned into a blood infection. He went from drinking 3oz to having to be forced to take 1oz.

The doctors wanted me to pump milk for him so they could monitor his intake, except I couldn't do that. They provided formula and a pump. My OH fed him and I pumped to try and keep up my supply. We came home about a week later and my milk had gone.

I've tried relactating and nothing. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I do it?

I feel awful for not being able to give him the milk that he needs. He's thrived on formula, and I'm happy he's healthy don't get me wrong... but it wasn't meant to be like this

My SIL managed to continue BFing when her son had reflux. She just sat him upright at the breast. So if she could do it with that then why couldn't I do it?

I hate it. I hate when we're out and I have to take a bottle out of the pram bag to give to him. I feel like an absolute failure.

 

[JackiePed]

My heart is breaking reading this thread.
Mothers should not have to feel like this. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I realize that there isn't. I just hope that this makes people think twice before touting insensitive assumptions about those who don't breastfeed, and at the same time...those of you experiencing this guilt... you MUST see this in perspective! It is a food choice. Your baby will not remember nor care where the food came from... your baby WILL know that you are the one who tends to their hunger, who provides them a warm bottle and a snuggly pair of arms to eat their meal in.

I have a close friend who is experiencing this right now, and she noticed how "What should be a rational, logical decision has turned into a heartwrenching choice", because of what a hyper-focus this receives in forums and certain mommy groups.

Just the word 'fail' is breaking my heart... as if it is a skill that you must master, and if it was unsuccessful, then you just didn't do it right... rather than the simple recognition that it wasn't a good fit for you and your LO. For any NUMBER of reasons!

We have so much coming our way that will give us plenty to beat ourselves up about as mommies... we cannot begin our journey this way. We must recognize our strength, our tenderness, our gift as a mother. Do not focus on how your breasts functioned, or how your baby took to a specific style of feeding. Focus on the things that you know you do with love and utter passion for your new role as a mother, remember how lucky your LO is to have been given to you. I thank my lucky stars every single day that Thor and Lauren and Trevor were all given to me, and not someone else... because I know damn well that I will always give them what they need, I will always make them feel loved, and I will always take care of them. I am so grateful they weren't given to someone evil, someone innately selfish, or someone who's just rather indifferent. They were given to ME...and I will love them actively for my entire life.
You will, too, and your LO will never know nor care whether their food came from a breast or a bottle. If you like, you can share your story with them, so that they know how hard you have and will always work to give them what you believe is best for them... but leave it at that.
This is my story, LO, of how I was so dedicated to giving you what I believed was best for you. And even though it turned out to not be best for you and me in the end, I gave it everything, and then I saw enough to recognize when to stop fighting, and just let it be...and enjoy being your mommy. And just focus on loving you. And I'd never take back a single moment.

Sorry... I'm in tears writing this. No mother should ever have to feel this way.

 

[05mummy07]

I am SO glad to see that I am not alone on this!

I have suffered from sever PND with both of my boys, who are now 4 and 6. All because of no help with BFing from the right people, they were so quick to jump on me to FF, so I gave in without perservering because my boys were hungry, only to find conflicting judgement.
One minute the HV was moaning at me that my babies were hungry and to give bottles, the next they were talking down to me because I hadn't 'tried' hard enough.

Fast forward to my little girl, I managed to get her to latch right away but then she refused to feed for 12 hours, I was at my wits end and gave in with a bottle whilst still trying to get her onto the breast.

We've managed to combi feed for almost 4 weeks, but my milk just was not satisfying her and we've now switched to FF only, I don't feel as guilty this time around, but still have moments where I feel like I've failed.

At the end of the day we need to do what is best for our LO's, and sometimes BFing isn't the best option for some people.

I've since found out from family members that the women on my dads side all suffer with low milk supply issues... Why the hell didn't they tell me this 6 years ago when I was suffering badly and refusing to deal with my son as I felt he deserved a better mum??

I'm glad I managed to get colostrum into Millie, but FFing is best for us.

Here if you need to talk, proud survivor of PND, I look back now and can't believe the lack of support when I was having my darkest moments, it was all thanks to my now OH who made me see that self harming and suicidal thoughts were not the answer to a problem that wasn't even my fault

 

[MissSazra]

Thank you so much for this thread.

I have felt like a total failure for the past 5 weeks and felt like I was in limbo with combination feeding.

I have no qualms with anyone's choice of how they want to feed, whether they choose to formula feed or breastfeed, it's personal choice. But when your choice gets taken away from you it's the most devastating thing to deal with.

Here's my story (it's pretty long though!)

We had a horrible time with the hospital's aftercare, it was shocking. The midwives didn't help me with breastfeeding, everytime throughout our stay that I asked for help with feeding I was made to feel like a nuisance. They would come in to 'help' me feed, but just take a hold of my breast a force it into her mouth, they didn't even bother to try and show me what to do, and there was no support offered either. Eventually I just tried it alone, and when we were discharged I didn't think there was an issue.

2 days later we had to phone our local birthing centre as Poppy was distressed and wouldn't settle. They weighed her and she had lost 13% of her weight. They told us we should have had a midwife visit at home as well, which we hadn't had, so it may have been picked up on sooner had we had that.

We were immediately readmitted to the hospital (which I was dreading from our previous experience). Poppy was dehydrated and nearly ended up on the NICU, but thankfully she was able to stay with us.

They got me to express to see how much milk I was producing, and I got 2ml after 10 minutes on each side. She got put on a feeding routine of going on each breast until she took herself off, then she would have whatever I had managed to express and then be topped up with 3oz of formula.

Obviously we wanted what was best for our daughter, but not once did they really push to help us with the breastfeeding. They never advocated putting her back on when she came off, just to resort to the formula. I can understand making sure she got the formula straight away to make sure she didn't get worse and could make a start at getting better and putting on weight, but there was no discussion about trying to increase the breastfeeding.

We are still on this routine 5 weeks down the line as Poppy can sometimes get a good latch but even after what should be a good feed she is still hungry and my confidence with feeding is shot to pieces so I have to give the formula as I'm so scared of starving her in the same way that happened after we were discharged. Other times she just doesn't want to latch on, and we'll try for ages but she knows that she can have the bottle and I think that plays a big part in it.

I have tried putting her back on each time she comes off the breast, and sometimes we spend ages trying to feed, but it's the issue with confidence in myself that hinders us and I always go back to my safety net of the formula. I never want to see my child that distressed ever again.

I still persevere with the breastfeeding, even though I know she gets very little from me, because I know it's the best thing for her even if she only gets a bit and selfishly I'm so scared of losing my bond with her if I stop. Deep down I know that wouldn't happen but it's how I feel. I also feel so incredibly guilty at the thought of stopping completely.

Thankfully Poppy is now putting on weight and is completely back on track, but that's all due to the formula, she would never be where she is now just through breastfeeding.

I've wrestled with guilty feelings these past few weeks, and I think without the support of my husband I wouldn't have been able to cope at all.

I totally empathise with anyone who has had similar experiences, and understand the feelings that go with this.

 

[daddiesgift]

so sorry to all of you ladies who felt guilt about stopping or not being able to breast feed. I felt HORRIBLE guilt and felt like a horrible mom for stopping. Mostly because of what I read online, in books and what other bfing mothers I knew would tell me how horrible formula was for babies. I went my whole pregnancy saying no matter what I was bfing. Well it just didnt turn out that way. I did for a month and LOATHED breast feeding. I was hospitalized with mastitis in both breasts twice to the point I had blood poisoning and MANY infections caused by not going to the doctor right away. I dreaded him even waking up cause I knew id have to feed again. It made me ball my eyes out even when it didnt hurt at all. I became scared of my son, I feel it hurt our bond more than anything. Long story short FF was and is AMAZING for the both of us! My son is healthy, smart, handsome, not over weight, or too small or too big. Im no longer in pain constantly, feeling uncomfortable in public and feeling stuck at home. Ive already decided that the next child will get formula from the start. Of course I will give baby breast milk if I have some but I dont plan on ever giving only breast milk or breast feeding ever again.

I felt horrible at first but now I couldnt feel any better about my decision!! Its best for me and him. We are happy so who cares what other people have to say!