the most hurtful thing someone's said to you while ttc?

[rainski]

Im pretty young, and my friend is even younger. She doesn't want kids (or so she says, it changes all the time). I have a lap scheduled for the 10th. I was talking about, "And yeah, when I get pregnant..." and she just interuppted me and laughs and says "you're never going to get pregnant." I still can't wrap my head around this.
That being said, what's the most hurtful thing that's been said to you? How did you respond to it?

 

[VGirl]

What your friend told you was both cruel and passive aggressive. It might forgivable if she's stupid but please don't take it close to your heart. She's obviously clueless!
My sister told me my miscarriage was caused by a haircut. It's a superstition where I'm from. Still struggling to wrap my head around that
Lots of baby dust to you!

 

[mariemongrain]

My husband and I have been TTC for 20 months now, I am 28 and he is 29. He got a varicocele surgery in his left testicles in January. One girl I know said, "well it must be less hard to process now because you know why you are not getting pregnant." That was so upsetting because it is even harder knowing there is a problem, and that the surgery may or may not work. We have been trying for almost 2 years and everybody I know is pregnant or just having their babies now, so especially knowing that I have to wait until his problem is fixed, kind of just makes it worst because I know a miracle won't happen until the sperm count is back up. So frustrating!

 

[Roobe18]

OMG! That is so horrible! I can't believe she said that to you. There really aren't even words...

I got in actual drawn out, long argument with one of my friends not that long ago. It started by her telling me that she *accidentally* told on of our co-workers that I was looking into IVF. She then went on to talk about all of the supposed horrible side effects of IVF and that we're both brave to go through it because she "never would do that" (keep in mind that she has one daughter and is currently preggo). I just told her that she really doesn't know that, given that it's a situation she'll never have to be in. She then went on to explain that she DOES know that because there's just so many other options. Ugh. Anyway, I just didn't say anything. So then she goes on to email me at work and says that she feels bad about saying what she did .... BUT... and then goes on to say the same crap over again and ends with "I guess it's just the catholic in me, but I just believe that if something's meant to be, it will be." Honestly, I think that's the most hurtful thing to say... and I told her so. I said, "ya know, this probably isn't something I should discuss at work because when you say stuff like that, what I hear is that God obviously doesn't think I should be a parent because if He did, He could just make my husbands 1% of good sperm magically match up with my egg. This is too emotional to of a subject for work" Needless to say, it degenerated from there. She just kept coming back at me. At one point she started saying that I should be apologizing to her? All I ever kept saying was this is hurtful, I don't want to discuss it and she just kept pushing and pushing.

My friendship with her did survive. A few days later she wanted to apologize and discuss further. I just said "Ya know, I think the best thing is that we never discuss it ever again. ...Like ever". And we haven't. My friendship with her has changed. I flat out will not discuss anything about my fertility journey with her anymore. I got some really bad news about a month ago (with DH sa) and she could tell I was upset. She just kept asking what was wrong, but I wouldn't tell her. It's just totally off the table now. It's hard, and part of me is still angry, but I wasn't prepared to totally give up my friendship.

 

[rainski]

V- a miscarriage by a haircut? Really?! How clueless can people be! Especially to blame someone for a miscarriage... like anyone would ever want to cause that..
marie-and knowing doesnt make it easier.. Without knowing, at least there's still a small hope in the back of your mind.. people really have no idea.
and roobe... I HATE when people say, if its mean to be it will be, or you'll get a child if/when you're meant to... that's the worst. there's people that DONT want kids and get them, people that abuse children, and even kill them. and you're telling me that person is meant to be a parent and im not?i could go on for hours about that.

 

[mariemongrain]

WHat you "friend" told you is unbelievable. The worst is that she kept trying to talk to you as if she knew what you were going trough. I find it too bad that some people hurt us more by trying to help and comforting, but it doesn't work. So many people tell me that it's going to happen when I stop trying. In my head, I can get my head around "Why would I stop trying or thinking about it?" Are you nuts?? I have been trying for almost 2 years, it would seem stupid to give up now. Anyway, we can only hope that it is the ignorance talking and not their actual feelings. Baby dust to all of you!

 

[Plex]

I think the worst thing I've ever been told, both when lttc #1 and now lttc#2 is that I should be thankful for what I've got.... I think it makes me so angry as it insinuates that Im not thankful everyday for what I have in my life (which I truly am) It just shows a complete ignorance of my situation. I think I have more understanding than them as I know they're only just trying to say what they think I want to hear they just don't think through what they want to say before they say it x

 

[Pinkys Brain]

Currently unemployed; searching heavily for work while living with parents due to financial troubles. Asked by my Job Centre Advisor if we had children and told them "not yet." My Advisor replied that she hopes I'm not planning to have children in my current situation as it would be a foolish thing to do and will make our situation worse.

Nevermind the fact that we've been trying for more than two years. We have no intention of stopping just because we are temporarily out of work. Damn ***** is meant advise me about finding a job not advising me about my personal life. Clue is in the title. Personal.

I bit my lip but grrrr!

 

[madtowngirl]

Hmm, I've had a few pretty hurtful things said to me while lttc.

In no particular order:
#1- A friend who knew about my m/c as well as my hangups about ttc at my age, whining about how he needs to have kids soon because he's getting too old (he is younger than me).
#2- Brother-in-law telling his son that he needed to be nice to me so that we'd give him a cousin...as if that were what was holding us back
#3- Neighbor's mother informing me that since I'm childless, I should have to help her daughter take care of her twins. Because, you know, I wasn't hurt enough that she couldn't tell me she was pregnant except to my face, so just told me via a Facebook announcement.

But honestly, the worst thing that people tell me is "if God wants it to happen, it will." Excuse me, but not only am I not of your faith, but you are basically telling me that somehow my problems ttc are God's fault. As if what little faith I had left is not brittle enough.

 

[Pirate]

In the context of a conversation about the cost of infertility treatments and me lamenting that it isn't covered by insurance, someone told me "it's not like anyone has ever died from infertility." I think that's the most hurtful thing that anyone has said to me so far.

 

[Emmi]

Crikey - all these experiences are so awful!! What we have to put up with huh???

Mine is the - maybe it's just not meant to be and the - you will find other rewarding things in your life....I mean like what - pottery, knitting???? Like this is a substitute for being a mummy!!!

Or the other - why don't you adopt....Yep - like that's as easy as buying a chocolate bar from the local shop!!!!

Grrrrrr.

 

[Morana]

I guess I'm not the most sensitive person and I always assume that stuff like 'it'll happen when it's time' etc comes from ignorance and not knowing what to say so people reach for the easiest thing to say.
Sending over a kid to ask 'when will aunty have a baby', that's the meanest thing in my book. It's fine for you to ignorant but do you seriously think that your adorable baby asking these questions instead of you will get any answer?! That makes me mad.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

Geez reading some of the things people have said its unbelievable!

My hurtful comment came from my mother. While we were all sitting around the family dinner table (brother/his other half,sister/her other half, step father, my DH etc) we were laughing about something my niece said (she was being sassy) and we wee all saying to my mom that she is gonna have her hands full if all her grand kids turn out like my niece, my moms says "well I'm most likely to be blind and deaf by the time you two have kids (waving her fingers at me and DH)" She knows everything we've struggled with to conceive so it hurt that much more.

 

[ttcbaby5]

While TTC number 5 I was told 'try act like you did when you 1st met".. Really? We're 19 years happily married and both still deep in Love. I don't want to say who said it but it was a Close Family Member. Wish some people would Stop and think before they say something stupid espally when it's about kids or having kids etc.. and I dunno but it mostly seems to be women who are mostly bitchy so to speak although I have seen alot of bitchy men too lol!

 

[wannabemummyb]

Gosh so many to choose from but yhe majority of the really hurtful comments have come from my former best friend, who got pregnant whilst on the pill and spent weeks wanting yo talk to me about possibly aborting her baby because she's been with the guy a short time and wasn't ready. I got pregnant just adter she found out and lost the baby so she felt it right to say things like:
"Just go back on the pill it worked for me" (2weeks after i lost my baby)
"Don't ever get pregnant its awful"
"At least you can eat mayo again"

 

[krissie328]

I had a friend tell me having kids would be to rough on mybody and we should just adopt since there are so many needy kids, it would be selfish to have my own. She then went on to explain howfertility treatmen cost so much and aren't guaranteed, but aadoption would be. This coming from someon who has two (boy/girl) kids and struggled with multiple miscarriages.

 

[Molly123456]

I have had a bunch of people say the whole "it will happen when you least expect it" ummm no it won't. I am having fertility treatments. I will always be expecting it.

That and my best friend got pregnant her first month trying (I had been trying for 1.5 years before that) and since then all she does is complain about her pregnancy. I finally sent her an email with a bunch of links about infertility. It seems to help. She hasn't mentioned her pregnancy since (unless I ask...which I try to on a regular basis).

 

[uwa_amanda]

I had a friend tell me having kids would be to rough on mybody and we should just adopt since there are so many needy kids, it would be selfish to have my own. She then went on to explain howfertility treatmen cost so much and aren't guaranteed, but aadoption would be. This coming from someon who has two (boy/girl) kids and struggled with multiple miscarriages.

These type of comments hurt me more than any other. It's as if people are telling me that I should be obligated to adopt because my body won't do what it is supposed to do. And now that we are no longer trying, we are getting more of the "you should adopt" comments. It's very frustrating! I almost want to tell these people that maybe they should adopt especially since they are supposedly done having children. And adoption isn't a guarantee either. It's not like going to a shelter to pick out a puppy! I've actually said that too...

I hope each one of you get your forever baby!

 

[ajksand]

Some people are totally clueless & rude!!!

My aunt told me that I needed to just be happy with the child I have (I am & love her dearly). After my mc in august I also had a cousin tell me well think about it, that if I hadn't mc I wouldnt have been able to attend my grandpas funeral.... Wth where do they come up with some of these things??

 

[TTCabundle]

Some of these are awful

I hate the usual 'relax and it will happen'. No it bloody won't! We've been ttc for nearly 5 years, it doesn't work like that!

Im only early 20s so I regularly get 'you're young, you have loads of time'. That does not help! Its not happened yet, so its not likely to happen, wether I have loads of time or not! Just because im young doesn't mean it hurts any less, it hurts just as much as any other lady in my position!

Anddd I also hate the 'if its meant to be, its meant to be' comment. Why would it not be meant to be?! Are me and my DF not good enough tp be parents? Who chooses this?

Eugh!