the most hurtful thing someone's said to you while ttc?

[beebaby]

Hi ladies..I have been ttc for over 4 years now..it is hard and does get to you and hurt..I think one of the meanest,well to me anyway, is many of my family will just nonchalantly say.."Well if it hasn't happened yet..it isn't going to..."Maybe it's just me over reacting..idc...I get upset every time and just go sit alone and cry..my dbf is the only one who knows my tears behind ttc and all..It really is harder than people think =[ Good luck to everyone!

 

[Christi85]

Thank you ladies. Yes, it is the people closest to you who can sometimes say the most hurtful things. Well, once my MIL finds out about our struggles (which may be very soon), I'm sure she will start seeing things differently. People have very different attitudes when they don't think something is affecting them directly, but they can become much more lenient when it does. At least that's what I hope happens in our case.

Madtowngirl - your husband is my husband when it comes to IVF. At first he didn't even want to discuss it. Then he started discussing it more, but wanting to explore options within IVF treatment. He's slowly becoming more open to things. I think men sometimes need time to get used to an idea that they'd never thought of before as a possibility. When we first discussed adoption a while ago, he was also skeptical. He's become much more open and warm to the idea since then. Much more so than for IVF for example.

Beebaby - that's downright rude. How dare they? No, you're not over-reacting. These are very insensitive comments, to which I would respond 'yes, that's why we are considering alternatives'. And to be honest with you, I would cut contact with them if I could help it. You need to surround yourself with supportive people during tough times, the last thing you need is insensitive naysayers. That's what I've decided to do myself and cut out all toxic people. Sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, but if people can't be discreet and considerate, they have to stay away.

 

[beebaby]

Christi85: You were not at all harsh. I wish I could only make it that easy..which over the years I have cut a lot of people out of my life..And I am way better with out them.It just brings a person down,I mean they may have not meant anything by it in a negative way but the fact remains it got to me! The only one who knows the burden of the struggle is my dbf..My mother was diagnosed as having Endometriosis
and here I am along with five other sisters she had! So not all hope is lost within me..Although I have never been thoroughly checked out..When I did to to the doctor she never said anything was wrong..but never know!

 

[beebaby]

But since I am TTC..I don't want to have to take a bunch of things..Hopefully with God's good will and grace it will happen soon enough..I'm in college and getting my life together and would have LOT's of help from friends and family if I were to conceive..I am taking Fertilaid to try and regulate my periods and possibly conceive..I have a long road of school ahead of me and it will only be harder..plan on being in school for aprox. 4-8 years..so if I were to get lucky now it would be just a little easier before I get to the hard stuff!. Good luck to anyone who is trying!

 

[Diddy2013]

I want to disbelieve some of the things people have said but I know it's all true. People are so insensitive and think they are helping...when often they are doing the opposite.

I get the your young it'll happen all the time frequently. (I'm 26) have been trying for 1.5 years.

I've had someone ask me if I disliked children because I didn't have any yet.

I was asked if I had kids and I responded no...after ttc for about a year...and the man responded well the clock is ticking you might want to get on that.

For the first year my family didn't know about us trying to have a baby. I got pregnant with the help of clomid and at thanksgiving my sil kept telling me I should get pregnant soon. I didn't tell her I was...with in the next three weeks found out the baby had a low fetal heart rate which eventually stopped. We told our family because it was right at Christmas and I knew my sil would be asking about babies again. Even when I told her about what was happening she said I'm glad I knew because I probably would have been mentioning it at Christmas.

My mother feels the need to tell me about everyone's pregnancies. When I had the flu she tried to tell me I was pregnant because her coworkers daughter felt like that and was actually four months pregnant. (Her coworkers daughter does a lot of drugs...that's why she didn't know for four months) I assured her if I were pregnant if know. She today told me how my cousin who was just married was pregnant and they had trouble conceiving.....(they conceived within 5 months, hardly comparable)

 

[beebaby]

I want to disbelieve some of the things people have said but I know it's all true. People are so insensitive and think they are helping...when often they are doing the opposite.

I get the your young it'll happen all the time frequently. (I'm 26) have been trying for 1.5 years.

I've had someone ask me if I disliked children because I didn't have any yet.

I was asked if I had kids and I responded no...after ttc for about a year...and the man responded well the clock is ticking you might want to get on that.

For the first year my family didn't know about us trying to have a baby. I got pregnant with the help of clomid and at thanksgiving my sil kept telling me I should get pregnant soon. I didn't tell her I was...with in the next three weeks found out the baby had a low fetal heart rate which eventually stopped. We told our family because it was right at Christmas and I knew my sil would be asking about babies again. Even when I told her about what was happening she said I'm glad I knew because I probably would have been mentioning it at Christmas.

My mother feels the need to tell me about everyone's pregnancies. When I had the flu she tried to tell me I was pregnant because her coworkers daughter felt like that and was actually four months pregnant. (Her coworkers daughter does a lot of drugs...that's why she didn't know for four months) I assured her if I were pregnant if know. She today told me how my cousin who was just married was pregnant and they had trouble conceiving.....(they conceived within 5 months, hardly comparable)

Oh yes the infamous people like that...I have them in my family as well..My mom and grandmother are always speaking on it as to when will I ever have one..But they know I haven't been preventing it but they don't know how bad we have really been trying..My cousin as well who was recently married has been ttc with no luck and started clomid and still nothing..but they feel the need to bring it up..Idk..I just don't understand why some people feel the need to talk about others..sometimes it's people such as myself who get discouraged hearing about someone I know getting that BFP instead of me..But I keep telling myself there is a reason God hasn't blessed us with a baby yet..

 

[keri 01]

We have been ttc for 4 years but only just told our families because we are getting married this year everyone was asking when we would try. When I told my sister how long I have been ttc she said maybe I need to just "practise" more. I wish it was that easy x

 

[Diddy2013]

Beebaby- when people around me end up pregnant I feel crushed, like I was more broken than before. For some reason I get really upset when people who were married after me get pregnant...(I get that I'm just emotional and jealous and illogical). I just hope if/when I get my bfp those feelings will melt away.

After seeing this thread it made me realize I know I'm trying to keep things private but since my family knows about my miscarriage, I called my mom and told her how it's made me feel. I told her she is free to ask what's going on with me, instead of asking my aunt or brothers. (In the youngest of five, and I had to explain how it's different because most of us were accidental and when you don't expect it, it feels easier). That's why people say things like don't try, quit trying it'll happen. Because they were not trying and it happened, they didn't have to monitor themselves, take medicine, temperature check every morning, bloodwork constantly, ultrasounds or have the tww! (The things we do)

She made the assumption that we just started trying and the mc was result of not trying so hard. I told her she does not need to make assumptions about if im pregnant or what's going on with me because 98% of the time I know. 2% is the tww. Lol

 

[Ariannda]

My exhusband told me I could "always adopt"when I found out I wasn't able to get pregnant. The reason this was especially crappy is because he spent 2 years making false accusations to CPS about me in order to gain custody of our 2 children (I eventually gave him custody to keep ALL my kids out of court and him from hurting any of the children further). However due to all the CPS investigations and the time I spent in court I wouldn't be approved as a foster or state adoption, so the thing he suggested i CANT do BECAUSE OF HIM !

A friend of mine who has one child and no interest in any more for quite awhile, told me "Well maybe you've used up all your kids and you should just give up"

When I found out last week I was pregnant with twins my mother said "oh, twins... well I wouldn't wish that on anyone, talk about a lot of work". She's totally aware of every test and procedure my husband and I have been through... thanks mom

 

[Morana]

Speaking of ex-husbands...
After asking my ex-husband about how his kid is doing and finding out the kid is almost ready to go to school, I got 'Oh, speaking about years passing... When are you going to have your own kids? You know, you're not getting any younger!'
Gee, thanks. If you haven't pointed it out, I would've never noticed....

 

[Trishg21]

This is meant to be a thread about hurtful comments while trying to conceive so people can support one another. But the comments about adoption are the truly hurtful ones. I know adoption isn't for everyone but for some, myself included, it is how families are formed. I find your comments ignorant, you don't know the circumstances around my daughters removal and the consequences had she have been kept in her birth family. It was to safeguard a baby girl, not about me or the birth family, about keeping an innocent child safe and nurtured and not to experience the horrific trauma experienced by her elder siblings. All the birth family were assessed to care for my daughter, all were deemed to not be able to parent. The case has been through court four times, we have met birth family and have indirect contact. My daughter will know her history and be proud we chose to be her forever family. She grew in my heart not my tummy, it changes nothing. You obviously have personal involvement but don't think it's all clear cut because it's not, there are so many steps before a child is removed and legally adopted, we're not quite there yet ourselves and she's been home 7 months. I am not one for conflict at all but I couldn't not respond as that comment really hurt.

I have to agree. Adoption is not for everyone, but for those of us who have chosen that route it is a huge blessing. The reason for my daughters adoption is her story alone and no one else has the right to pass judgement on the situation.

That being said she is my daughter. Just as much as if she had come from my body, I just wasn't lucky enough to spend the first 9 months of her existence with her but I am lucky enough to get to be with her every day for the rest of her life.

Adoption is not as black and white as people make it out to be. It is very complex and filled with unique circumstances.

 

[Lolly1985]

Beautiful post, thank you for sharing your story and I totally agree! Enjoy your family, adoption is wonderful

 

[ajksand]

We were going to adopt a while back and when we told my mil she was not happy about it, she just kept saying that we had no clue what the mother was doing while carrying the baby & that it won't be the same as when we had our dd & that the love won't be the same.... Wth??? Just because she has a hard time loving some children (my bil's daughter for example) doesn't mean that me or my husband are like that.... When the adoption failed she showed us absolutely no support or sympathy. She also has know that we have been ttc for a long time and she would say things like "I don't need or want anymore grandchildren" when she said that about not needing or wanting more grandchildren I was so sad. When I was pregnant last yr she knew I was not feeling well and pretty much forced me to watch my wild nephew & while he was with me I mc and ended up in the emergency room& she acted like it was no big deal at all, never checked on me once I got home or anything.

I just don't understand how some people can be so unsympathetic. To me the one of the hardest parts is that the most hurtful things are said by family when they should be the ones supporting us on our ttc journey

 

[Myshelsong]

Your MIL sounds horrid, I am sorry that you have such a heartless woman in your life.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss both physically with the mc and emotionally with the adoption, and my heart goes out to you.

Big hugs sister